No More Excuses - You're Single for a Reason

G101> Sorry I didn't know it wasn't written by you. I was just saying sometimes you seem to lack diplomacy. Just relax I wasn't going on the attack.

deliciousBass said:

Haha, well, some people need to hear this. I'm not sure if these forums is really the ideal target audience though... a lot of the women here are looking for a Godly man who also meets their specific criteria and well, that can be hard to find since the Christian part alone disqualifies a lot of people.

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definitely a big part of my problem deliciousBass, especially 4 years in a country that's 1% Christian.

vangelicmonk said:

Although this is directed at Women mostly, I have been thinking this as well. I'm single for a reason. If God really wants me to eventually move to South Korea to go to school (in another 3 years) and then most likely move to North Korea when and if it opens or a ministry opportunity opens, then I am probably going to have some difficulty finding someone with the same focus at this time. I need to accept that and enjoy my single time and time with God (as always). There is a reason. I just lose sight of it in the context of my life now.

-Ted.

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Ted, it may seem impossible, but not always. I lived in Japan for 4 years. Organized a couple Christian retreats. Two guys became best friends. A year later a gal came and met one of those guys. They fell in love at other retreats and got married. But then again, here I am four years after, not traveling anymore and still single.

God bless you as you prepare for a move to South Korea. That would be neat if God does open the door for you to go to North Korea, last I heard it was closed to foreigners...but I don't keep up with it enough to know.

i am single because God wants me to be like that

While growing up, I never felt like I had much in common with my own age group, so most people in my social circle tended to be older... including the girls. I used to be attracted to those older girls... but they really wanted older men. These days, I'm more interested in younger women (within reason), especially the ones that don't feel like they have much in common with their own age group. Funny how that works.

I understand how we should not have lofty expectations, but is it really wrong to be concerned about finding a man who is committed to his faith? My faith is my life, and I don't want to jeopardize that faith by marrying a man who may not be compatible with me in that regard.

Also, like it or not, not everyone is beautiful in our eyes. In God's eyes, I guess you could say that everyone is, but heck, you could have the misfortune of simply not being a sexy individual. Yes I do try to look presentable to the average population but there is always a woman prettier. Look at the couples you see in the grocery store the next time, how many of them do you think are beautiful? Most seem average to me. And before you give me the "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" statement, I already know that. I still wonder how some clearly average (or below average) looking people still manage to attract someone else, if image is everything.

Frankly, I hate the modern dating scene, so I don't really like the idea of going on "dates." Yeah I know, it's today's way of finding a spouse, but I hate it. Not only that, it's not a sin to want to be attracted to a man who is attracted to YOU. There could be many men I like (although I can't say that for my own life), but if they don't like me back, what can one do? And for the ones who like me who I like back, how is it my fault if I just can't like the other man back? Should I just grab him and make babies with him simply because he is a man? Of course not. Yes, we women want to remain sexually attractive enough to men because they prefer women who they can be physically attracted to. Well, we women want the same things: we want to be physically attracted somehow, to the other man. Is that a crime? Of course not. I just think that it takes longer for women to become attracted to a man, than for a man to become attracted to a woman. It can take a woman months sometimes to start having feelings for a man. How can she tell from a first date if she feels that way? (don't get me wrong, I don't know jack about dating - this is all meaningless speculation)

I'm not saying that I disagree with all of the things in the original post. Some of it is visceral truth, but it can't apply to everyone who is single and involuntarily so. Yes, I'm 27, approaching 28, never had a date, never kissed, never had a boyfriend. The last man I liked was 35, in a dead-end-$10-an-hour job, working for people who don't appreciate him. He is nothing like who I expected from a man who I would have "liked." If I had discovered that he liked me back, I would have taken him in a heartbeat. Turns out, he doesn't like me back. You're going to remain chronically (right word?) single forever if you keep having the misfortune of unrequited love, or inability to reciprocate someone else's unrequited love. Sometimes, some people like me have egregious luck in finding a relationship in which both people click with each other. And hence I remain single still.

Man, how I long for the freakin day where my actual feelings for a decent man are mutual. But I don't feel like I have any other choice but to remain despairingly single until then. I keep hoping that by the grace of God, I am able to conceive at least have one child before I am 40. I would be so happy even for that. But I guess after 35 I am rendered worthless in that department, right?

Shazamataz said:

I've got a better idea... I'm single for a reason... and that reason is Jesus Christ. If it was His plan that I'm married by now, then I would be. He has a big plan for my life that I dont fully understand and never will cos I'm not God and at the moment that plan involves being single. And it doesnt matter if I'm 19, 39, 69!!! Instead of always being sure there's something wrong with you, wont dont you turn to God and seek Him for why. Perhaps the answer is far bigger than you ever expected... if more people stopped complaining that they're lonely and "why aren't I married yet" and started looking to the Father the world would be a better place. Face the facts. Your life does not take on greater meaning by simply being married. Marriage should never be your goal in life. God should be!!!

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good thoughts shazamataz

Gardener101 said:

And here are some responses to the agony aunt quoted in the OP:
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Some interesting thoughts, which I've heard before on the age thing, but the bible would speak contrarely to these ideas. They're very worldly. In fact the biological clock is ticking in women, but that wasn't God's plan for Sarah.

From personal experience, I could choose to believe it, but the Lord has shown me otherwise.

Have you tried Eharmony?

Everyone should ask themselves that.

Before everyone gets all worked up, it's a joke

I don't want to be single though.

And I was fine being single when I was 17. I was fine being single when I was 21.

JM

ladybug> Your faith is not negotiable you should look for a guy who is a Christian without question.

But I've seen some crazy requirements from women that they have for a man before they will ever consider him.

Here is a good one "Must have stronger faith then me." First of all the strenghth of someone's faith is not something easily measured. But also why in the world do some women think they have the right to require a man to be better then they are in a lot of ways.

I've seen quite a few Christian women that want Jesus except for hot and rich. You want a good example. . . Listen to Shania Twain's song "Any man of mine" some lovely lyrics there.

"I can be late for a date that's fine but he'd better be on time."
"Anything I do or say will be ok when I have a bad hair day."
"I can change my mind a million times and I want to hear him say "Yeah I like it like that."

ladybug1980 said:

.............
.............. ............ You're going to remain chronically (right word?) single forever if you keep having the misfortune of unrequited love, or inability to reciprocate someone else's unrequited love. Sometimes, some people like me have egregious luck in finding a relationship in which both people click with each other. And hence I remain single still.

Man, how I long for the freakin day where my actual feelings for a decent man are mutual. .............

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No ladybug, God sees you as worthwhile, I could go on about the cross, but that's not the topic here.

Unrequited love, ahh yes, I know it well and it's a strange thing. It's been where the guy liked me at first, then I liked him when he didn't like me ....took too long or changes in circumstances, I don't know. There's also the case of a guy being interested in me, but me not him or vice versa. It's like a missing arrow, which I still don't understand.

Luther073082 said:

ladybug> Your faith is not negotiable you should look for a guy who is a Christian without question.

But I've seen some crazy requirements from women that they have for a man before they will ever consider him.

Here is a good one "Must have stronger faith then me." First of all the strenghth of someone's faith is not something easily measured. ............

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Luther, yes I might agree with this. I've learned over time that faith can't be measured, so mostly I'm looking for a man that's Christian and has an open heart to the Lords will.

I've seen too many marriages that started out as a strong Christian couple, ideal and everything, and 7-25 years later divorced. We change with age, and the one important factor I've picked out is the man's heart and if it seeks after the things of the Lord. I can't really measure it, but I can sort of get an idea.

Gardener101 said:

Why are people getting depressed about this thread?

Wanna know what's depressing? Having one hairy nipple due to a hormonal imbalance.

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TMI

I wasn't aware that the world had started evolving around this thread.

I'm not depressed by it. I think it makes some decent points very very bluntly.

Unfortunutly I really havn't seen the girls who really need to read it on this thread. (I'm trying to remember names but I don't thnk they are here). But I think its a good point to make that no girl is going to find a rich goodlooking Jesus to marry.

Gardener101 said:

Don't worry Luther, I am sure they are here somewhere

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 10 (6 members and 4 guests)

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I totally needed to read this thread. I can't find a good man for the life of me.

I agree with a lot of what was said.

Not all of it, and sure, it was harsh, but... its the truth.

I know exactly why I'm single. But I'm 20 - I'm a work in progress, and if I'm a bacheleorette for the next 6 or 7 years, I'm more than ok with that.

However, I also think women [and men, for that matter] looking for the brass ring or what have you when you are single is a bit much. Who says being single or unmarried has to equal social death? I do believe if people were less focused on it, well... maybe there would be happier marriages and less singlehood.

Desperation isn't sexy.

Quirk said:

I agree with a lot of what was said.

Not all of it, and sure, it was harsh, but... its the truth.

I know exactly why I'm single. But I'm 20 - I'm a work in progress, and if I'm a bacheleorette for the next 6 or 7 years, I'm more than ok with that.

However, I also think women [and men, for that matter] looking for the brass ring or what have you when you are single is a bit much. Who says being single or unmarried has to equal social death? I do believe if people were less focused on it, well... maybe there would be happier marriages and less singlehood.

Desperation isn't sexy.

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What you have is a vicious circle though. You don't quite understand this at your age but you will in 3 or 4 years if you are still single.

The vicious circle is, often enough in the Christian church that people get married young. Well the problem is that people start seeing all their friends get married and they soon become a little more deserpate to get married.

I'll tell you if none of my friends where married or only 2 of them rather then all of them being married right out of college. Then maybe I would be a lot less stressed by it. But I'll tell you when you are the only single person amoung all your friends, its easy to get scared and even easier to get desperate.

A few times comming out of college feeling like the odd man out because I was the only unmarried person of all my friends I really felt convinced that I was doomed to singleness for the rest of my life. I really belived that all the good women where married off and I missed out.

The nice thing that this thread has pointed out is that I have gotten to the point where I feel like I can date younger women. When you are a 20 year old guy you can not under any circumstances date a girl who's 5 years younger then you. But now that i'm 25 very few people would be bothered by me dating a 20 year old girl.