No Clue of What to do...Men's perspective appreciated

[Tigerchick224]

I find myself in a bit of a predicament. Before we got married and were engaged on two occasions, I found my now husband sending somewhat inappropriate messages to other women. Granted I snooped to find them, my intuition was telling me something was up and I was right. One time was when we first started dating and another time was when we were engaged. The second time it happened I told him if he ever did it again I was out.

Another thing that has bothered me is his close friendship with two females.
I know he doesn't talk much to them,
but he told me he talked to one of them around two in the morning for a few hours because her boyfriend had cheated on her and she thought she had cancer. I felt as if that was kind of inappropriate because we just had our first child and we have been having a rough spot and I know how easy it is to find even well intentioned folks in emotional affairs, especially in rough spots. We have discussed this and though he doesn't agree with me about having female friends (he is more okay with it and okay with having long conversations; I am okay with being cordial but think things can get dicey when they start to discuss personal issues) he did say he would respect my wishes bc I am his wife.

My husband was once engaged to another girl, and I had a dream a few weeks ago as well as my intuition going off again. I dreamed that he had his ex's phone number saved under a different contact name. I told him about the dream and I semi-jokingly asked if he still had her number and he told me no way! However, my insecurities got the best of me and I looked through his contacts. I found his ex's first name and a different last name from her real one. I still had a strong intuition about it so I blocked my number and called it...lo and behold it was his ex. I looked at our phone records and I can see his hasn't had recent contact with her, but the fact that he has her number hidden under a different name suggests something nefarious to me...if anything it suggests he may not be fully over her and that hurts.

I have forgiven him for his past incidents, but I've never really felt our relationship is secure because of his stances on close female friends, his past inappropriate comments, and now this. I know he would be furious that I snooped and that would probably cause him not to trust me...but now it's like I can't trust him even more bc he lied about having her number. Do I face the music and tell him I know? Or am I making a huge deal out of nothing?

 

[archer75]

Seems you might speak to a counselor first.

 

[tampasteve]

I have forgiven him for his past incidents,

But it does not sound like he was truly not sorry, or he has other issues, if he continues to repeat the mistakes behind your back.

I know he would be furious that I snooped and that would probably cause him not to trust me...but now it's like I can't trust him even more bc he lied about having her number. Do I face the music and tell him I know? Or am I making a huge deal out of nothing?

I think you have that backward, he has proven he cannot be trusted from his previous actions. You asked him, and he lied to you. He has absolutely no right to be mad at you. If he tries to turn it around on you do not let him, he is the one that lied about the number being in his phone and hid it under a different name. Yes, you should discuss this issue with him sooner than later. My experience is that issues left unsaid and unresolved tend to fester in one's mind and heart.

 

[Tigerchick224]

But it does not sound like he was truly not sorry, or he has other issues, if he continues to repeat the mistakes behind your back.



I think you have that backward, he has proven he cannot be trusted from his previous actions. You asked him, and he lied to you. He has absolutely no right to be mad at you. If he tries to turn it around on you do not let him, he is the one that lied about the number being in his phone and hid it under a different name. Yes, you should discuss this issue with him sooner than later. My experience is that issues left unsaid and unresolved tend to fester in one's mind and heart.

Thank you. I hate confrontation and when he gets angry with me. He tends to shut down and avoid me or belittle and degrade me. I need to find some courage and address it though.

 

[Tigerchick224]

Seems you might speak to a counselor first.

I've been going to one. I told her about my feelings about his female friends and she was in agreement that what he was doing was inappropriate. She actually went as far to say as to ask him to completely cut off that friendship.
I know him though and know that wouldn't go over well at all, so I just asked him to tone it down. I do know I need to work on my insecurities, but it is super hard to when I keep catching him in lies.

 

[archer75]

I've been going to one. I told her about my feelings about his female friends and she was in agreement that what he was doing was inappropriate. She actually went as far to say as to ask him to completely cut off that friendship.
I know him though and know that wouldn't go over well at all, so I just asked him to tone it down. I do know I need to work on my insecurities, but it is super hard to when I keep catching him in lies.

Of course it is hard.

I have and have always had female friends -mostly long-distance and no phone. When they're in town I make sure to do something with them and my wife. Friendship is great but you need to keep things sane and above-board.

 

[Darkhorse]

Maybe you two should see a counselor and you confront him with the information during the counseling session.

Of course, the problem is getting him there. Men tend to avoid third-party advice, even when they're doing nothing wrong.

Even if he's totally innocent of any impure motives, his lying to you about having his ex's phone number and his disregard for your feelings are red flags. Your relationship is not strong, but it may be savable if you two come clean with each other and he respects your feelings about these things, even if he doesn't agree. The danger is that he might verbally agree, but go "underground" with hiding these things.

Unless he genuinely changes, you two are in for trouble.

 

[Root of Jesse]

Let me first say that I was that guy. Not to that extent, but I had inappropriate conversations on line with a couple other women, and my wife caught me. It changed our lives and our marriage for the good. I promised her to stop, and I did. I promised her to become a Catholic if I studied it and found it to be true, and I did all of that. I promised to never speak inappropriately to another woman, and I didn't.

I find myself in a bit of a predicament. Before we got married and were engaged on two occasions, I found my now husband sending somewhat inappropriate messages to other women. Granted I snooped to find them, my intuition was telling me something was up and I was right. One time was when we first started dating and another time was when we were engaged. The second time it happened I told him if he ever did it again I was out.

I think he has to see the damage this is causing your relationship, your marriage. If he doesn't see that of his own accord, then you're doomed with it. You will either have to quit your marriage or live with it. He needs to stop. His time is your time, any wasted on other people is time taken away from you. You don't have to demand, because he has to see it himself. Turn the tables and ask how he'd feel if you had a conversation at 2 am with your ex fiance...

Another thing that has bothered me is his close friendship with two females.
I know he doesn't talk much to them,
but he told me he talked to one of them around two in the morning for a few hours because her boyfriend had cheated on her and she thought she had cancer. I felt as if that was kind of inappropriate because we just had our first child and we have been having a rough spot and I know how easy it is to find even well intentioned folks in emotional affairs, especially in rough spots. We have discussed this and though he doesn't agree with me about having female friends (he is more okay with it and okay with having long conversations; I am okay with being cordial but think things can get dicey when they start to discuss personal issues) he did say he would respect my wishes bc I am his wife.

I think he needs to do it for more than that reason. It has to be from the heart. If he wants to help counsel a friend, you be a part of it.

My husband was once engaged to another girl, and I had a dream a few weeks ago as well as my intuition going off again. I dreamed that he had his ex's phone number saved under a different contact name. I told him about the dream and I semi-jokingly asked if he still had her number and he told me no way! However, my insecurities got the best of me and I looked through his contacts. I found his ex's first name and a different last name from her real one. I still had a strong intuition about it so I blocked my number and called it...lo and behold it was his ex. I looked at our phone records and I can see his hasn't had recent contact with her, but the fact that he has her number hidden under a different name suggests something nefarious to me...if anything it suggests he may not be fully over her and that hurts.

I think you have to let him know that you know, and that the lies need to stop. He didn't need to lie, and yet he did...

I have forgiven him for his past incidents, but I've never really felt our relationship is secure because of his stances on close female friends, his past inappropriate comments, and now this. I know he would be furious that I snooped and that would probably cause him not to trust me...but now it's like I can't trust him even more bc he lied about having her number. Do I face the music and tell him I know? Or am I making a huge deal out of nothing?

Yes, you should let him know. In my situation, my wife saw an email I had written. I was on my 60 mile commute (each way) and she called me and demanded I come home immediately. It's like curing a cancer, you have to get it all out, and soon.

 

[Root of Jesse]

Thank you. I hate confrontation and when he gets angry with me. He tends to shut down and avoid me or belittle and degrade me. I need to find some courage and address it though.

He needs to devote himself totally to his marriage-you and your child, and forsake all others.

 

[HereIStand]

Do talk with him about all of this. As far as married men having female friends, I would say it depends. Visiting seniors in nursing homes, yes. Long conversations with women that he could be interested in, no.

 

[Hidden In Him]

now it's like I can't trust him even more bc he lied about having her number. Do I face the music and tell him I know? Or am I making a huge deal out of nothing?

My guess is it is also possible he
A. either didn't want to worry you because he wasn't doing anything, or
B. was afraid you might get mad if he said yes, and since it was nothing why cause the fuss.

Not promising you nothing is going on, but I know in my case I can and will do this with my wife, and we are normally extremely honest with each other.

 

[tampasteve]

Reasonable enough....but the fact he changed the caller ID name is troublesome in that regard. If it were the correct name then that would be different....

We all say things to not hurt someone when it is needed, but this is a different matter - especially when he already has a history of improper contact with the other sex. I am not saying it is a forgone conclusion he is being improper, but the track record and current lie are definite red flags that need further clarification.

As others mentioned, counseling together with a family and marriage counselor would be highly advisable. I know many people feel they can open up more to someone that is an impartial third party. Also, they have ways of helping heal the pain, not just getting it out in the open. In my case my ex continued to contact her exes (and others) so it did not fix our issues, but it was worth every penny to go to the counselor....at lease she would not lie to him.

 

[Traveling teacher]

I have been married 33 years and have 2-3 accountability bros......
We all keep ourself in check with this attractiv woman stuff.....
No way do any of us talk to a woman wea re atracted to without our wife knowing or being there......
The 2 brothers that started out with the accountability program decided they would not follow the strict rules...

One bro continued to flurt with other women while he was married for years.....he is now divorced...
Fell into imorality....
And his life is a mess....

The other bro was single and continues to flirt with nonchristian girls......he is also in up and down pain as these women burn him once or twice a year......

JEsus said...in the Lords prayer...
Matthew 6:9-13
...lead us not into temptation.....
It is a temptation for any man to talk to a flirtatious attractive woman.......
Ex. joseph...David.....Judah....sampson......
90% of men will admit to be tempted by these women
The other 10%. Are lieing.........

 

[Root of Jesse]

I have been married 33 years and have 2-3 accountability bros......
We all keep ourself in check with this attractiv woman stuff.....
No way do any of us talk to a woman wea re atracted to without our wife knowing or being there......
The 2 brothers that started out with the accountability program decided they would not follow the strict rules...

One bro continued to flurt with other women while he was married for years.....he is now divorced...
Fell into imorality....
And his life is a mess....

The other bro was single and continues to flirt with nonchristian girls......he is also in up and down pain as these women burn him once or twice a year......

JEsus said...in the Lords prayer...
Matthew 6:9-13
...lead us not into temptation.....
It is a temptation for any man to talk to a flirtatious attractive woman.......
Ex. joseph...David.....Judah....sampson......
90% of men will admit to be tempted by these women
The other 10%. Are lieing.........

I don't need an accountability brother, though I understand the value of having one. I'm accountable to my wife. I love looking at beauty, both human and natural. But I will not speak to a woman on my own accord with out my wife's knowledge. In fact, I teach Confirmation with 5 women, and three of them are very attractive. I never ask them a probing question, anything about their lives, or offer any service other than taking the lead on lessons for the teens. In fact, sometimes my wife will ask me "How many children does she have? " or "What does she do for a living?" and I just have to admit that I don't know. My wife interacts with them, and she knows where I draw the line. (I think when she asks me those kinds of questions, she's testing me. Because of my past.) So if she wants to know those things, she can ask them. Every part of those 'relationships' is on top of the table. Also, I learned when I first started evangelizing, that when I want to participate in some program, she has to know about it and buy in on it. The time I give to Ministry takes away from her time, and she's entitled to it. Once, before I learned that lesson, I wanted to do something, and didn't tell her about it. She went ballistic and I had to quit doing that ministry. Lessons learned.

 

[Traveling teacher]

Sister do you go to a church??

At some point you will have to tell your husband no go....
On the 2am counseling session of the heart brocken single woman that needs your husbands input.....

Tough. Love has got to come in....
Counselors or too soft. IMO?.also he refuses to go.....

If your husband goes to church and is christian......
Tell him you dont want him talking to these women....

If he refuses tell him you are going to the pastors and the eldrers.........
If he doesnt go to church tell him to stop or you will go to his dad or brother or someone he will listen to......

This path your husband is on is going nowhere fast......
You are wise to intervene before it goes over the edge...

 

[381465]

I've been going to one. I told her about my feelings about his female friends and she was in agreement that what he was doing was inappropriate. She actually went as far to say as to ask him to completely cut off that friendship.
I know him though and know that wouldn't go over well at all, so I just asked him to tone it down. I do know I need to work on my insecurities, but it is super hard to when I keep catching him in lies.

Glad you're seeing someone and getting confirmation on the path to take.
I think he might be the cause of some of your insecurity not just compounding it.

I am a man married 25 years and I have not been a slave to a wandering eye.
The only female friends I have were my wife's friends first.
It's easy for me to avoid lusting after women.
I like to be alone a lot and my wife and kids are just about everything to me.

I wish I could be helpful, but I don't understand these guys. I always try to think "how would I feel if..."

I really hope you can get him to join you for some therapy. I would love to hear that he was broken and humble and dedicated to your family.

Praying for success.

 

[LinkH]

I'm responding to the OP.

Is it possible that your husband has the old friend under another name for a legitimate reason (e.g. she got married, etc., because he has a snooping wife and a legitimate reason to contact her) and forgot about it? Maybe it's not likely, but possible.

A lot of these 'rules' people have about not having friends of the opposite gender after marriage are just mechanisms to prevent temptaion, but one can get way too legalistic about it.

If an old friend, or even girlfriend, called depressed about her boyfriend breaking up with her and thinking she had cancer, of course a man with compassion would likely talk to her. It's possible her motives weren't pure if she had feelings with him. But he could handle that right by not encouraging those feelings and offering some comfort.

If you have friends of the opposite gender and you get married, it makes sense to get the spouse involved in that friendship, not to have some friend of the opposite sex you go off with alone. That can be really dangerous.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

This is a VERY complex scenario for many reasons. More so to say who is right or wrong. I do tend to say "some" snooping can be done if one truly feels there is something up. But even a little snooping can back fire on you if the person finds out and even more so if they haven't done anything. So its a dangerous double edged sword.

As for female friends I have many, actually most of my friends are women. We don't meet up or anything like "friends" do. They are mainly online friends. And I have no interest in them at all aside form just being friends. If one were to hint at wanting to be more then friends I'd cut the ties with them. For me its about how I was growing up, I've never been a manly man. So I have no real interest when it comes to male friends. On the other hand I have more in common with a woman. I'm gentle, down to earth, more in touch with my emotions...etc. I am a good listener and comfrorter.

That aside my wife is fine with me having female friends just like I am fine with her having male friends. Assuming they don't hang out alone and assuming they arne't former BFs. That is off limits period. Former love interests can be an issue when marriages hit trials. People can go confiding in former love interests and turn them back into love interests.

I can understand your husband maybe comforting a female friend, but NOT a ex. Theres no real reason to keep an exs contact info (well unless he had a child with her for parental reasons of course). So I'd tell him he needs to cut contact with any exs. Even if it hasn't been for awhile. Its risky. And the fact he hid her last name under a fake one is kind of weird. Maybe he has some old feelings for her or maybe he just has a friendly friendship with her, which to be fair I do here some exs stay friends even after a divorce/split...etc. Still thats to awkward and dangerous for my likes.

My suggestion would be to nicely ask him why his exs number was on there. See what he says. He may get defensive because you looked on his phone, but you can do either one of two things... be blunt and say you snooped because you felt something. Or you could bend the truth and say something like you were looking for a friends number and lost it and thought maybe he had it on the phone. Or maybe somehow you accidently dialed that number..... then again we all knows this falls in the catatgorey of basically lying. Which is a sin.

But at least it may keep some tension down. I don't think we should lie but I do feel there are sometimes when we have to do so in order to do something right. Like if a wife asks a husband "Do I look fat in this?", hes never going to say the truth. lol. Not that there is anything wrong with weight.

Whatever you do it will be hard to tell if hes truthful or not since there will be some anger in the response. He should be able to honestly tell you why he has her number. Though its up to you to decide if the reason is reasonable or not.

Let me also add/ask something. Is here ever private about "his" stuff? Like his phone, computer...etc? You know like "I'd rather you not look at my phone, its private!". Because I always say when your married theres ZERO reason to have things like that hidden/partially hidden from your spouse unless your hiding secrets. In marriage there is no real privacy. Well unless it comes to bathroom issues, some people prefer being alone for such things.

 

[DZoolander]

My first thought is along the same lines as what Link asked.

Is it possible that the ex girlfriend got married, and you only know the maiden name but that's the new married name/etc?

How old are you two?

 

[Ana the Ist]

I find myself in a bit of a predicament. Before we got married and were engaged on two occasions, I found my now husband sending somewhat inappropriate messages to other women. Granted I snooped to find them, my intuition was telling me something was up and I was right. One time was when we first started dating and another time was when we were engaged. The second time it happened I told him if he ever did it again I was out.

Another thing that has bothered me is his close friendship with two females.
I know he doesn't talk much to them,
but he told me he talked to one of them around two in the morning for a few hours because her boyfriend had cheated on her and she thought she had cancer. I felt as if that was kind of inappropriate because we just had our first child and we have been having a rough spot and I know how easy it is to find even well intentioned folks in emotional affairs, especially in rough spots. We have discussed this and though he doesn't agree with me about having female friends (he is more okay with it and okay with having long conversations; I am okay with being cordial but think things can get dicey when they start to discuss personal issues) he did say he would respect my wishes bc I am his wife.

My husband was once engaged to another girl, and I had a dream a few weeks ago as well as my intuition going off again. I dreamed that he had his ex's phone number saved under a different contact name. I told him about the dream and I semi-jokingly asked if he still had her number and he told me no way! However, my insecurities got the best of me and I looked through his contacts. I found his ex's first name and a different last name from her real one. I still had a strong intuition about it so I blocked my number and called it...lo and behold it was his ex. I looked at our phone records and I can see his hasn't had recent contact with her, but the fact that he has her number hidden under a different name suggests something nefarious to me...if anything it suggests he may not be fully over her and that hurts.

I have forgiven him for his past incidents, but I've never really felt our relationship is secure because of his stances on close female friends, his past inappropriate comments, and now this. I know he would be furious that I snooped and that would probably cause him not to trust me...but now it's like I can't trust him even more bc he lied about having her number. Do I face the music and tell him I know? Or am I making a huge deal out of nothing?

Do you have any male friends, ex's or not, that you keep in contact with?