New to forums, need major guidance.

[xeoneex]

I feel lost. Theres alot here and it's hard to convey my thoughts down so bare with me this might be a bit long:

I am, yet am not, new to the faith in Jesus. I've been off and on for many years now. It seems I do get a bit closer each time but I fall way short. I've said the salvation prayer countless times, yet I still have lack of faith. I've tried attending christian oriented churches in my area, but I feel out of place. I keep falling into sin, and I keep reading that I shouldn't have a desire to want to sin again, yet I do. I keep feeling like I'm unsaved yet I have guilt, sometimes worse than other times, when I commit these sins. I know the struggle is ongoing but I just feel a lack of God in my life. I'm so restless, always irritated, quick to get frustrated over things that I guess most people wouldn't?

This is in a nutshell my situation. I will elaborate more though so you will get a better picture.

I will kind of start at the beginning and quickly work my way through my life to give a better understanding of some of what was written above.

At the age of 3 I was diagnosed with ADHD, and not the typical "Oh your child is hyper he automatically has ADD" like most doctors like to diagnose children with. No I have the real ADHD, and the more severe form of it. It would make my life a nightmare. The inability to sit still, concentrate, and focus on most things would prove to be my downfall in many things. Fast foward a bit to my school life. It mostly consisted of me being in special education classes due to my ADHD, but even back then I was treated horribly. Teachers couldn't handle me and were extreme. I remember in elementary school a substitue special ed teacher pinning me on the ground when the "time out" room wouldn't work on me. It seems no one knew how to handle me really. On top of that I never had friends. I guess the only friend I had was a mongoloid friend *forgive if this is an offensive word I dont know the condition and this is what my family tells me* afterwards I never had friends growing up. So from around middle school to high school were the worst times for me. This is where being picked on was taken to new lows from people. Not to really get into it I will just give a few examples. One particular example in Junior High, I was in a lutheran school, I was sitting in a class waiting for it to start, minding my own business. A girl who was rather ruthless, came behind me swung a thick book at the back of my head. I just remember hearing laughter and not understanding why, i kept quiet. Numerous incidents like this left me alone and wondering. Fast forward to highschool. It was a 4 year nightmare. Between being picked on by students, and teachers sometimes siding against me, it was hell. There are COUNTLESS incidents here, there was this one incident I remember very clearly and I still don't understand. Again I was in special education classes, always with the special ed classes... Anyway so was in class and a few weeks prior there was a new student. Seemed like a quiet kid kept to himself was I guess liked by everyone but I never really knew why cause I never talked to him or anything. But, for some reason he didn't like me. It started out small he'd give me weird looks nothing major but I definatly sensed he didn't like me. I don't remember what else happened but obviously I knew he hated me I dont quite know why. One day it boiled to a head as one class was starting I was siting in my desk, it was one that was attached to your seat so sometimes getting up was hard, minding my own business. He walked past me whispered something in my ear, I honestly can't remember what it was but it set me off and I rarely lost my cool during classes, if it was it was a major incident but I honestly dont recall all of them. So anyway he whispered something in my ear I got absolutely mad to the point, I slammed my palms on the desk as I stood up, the desk/chair rolled off to the side, I then threw a pencil at him. Again I never resorted to throwing things at people, I rarely got violent like that angry most definatly frustrated sad and lonely yes but never violent like that. Immediatly after the pencil was thrown the ENTIRE class gets up gets between me and him and starts jumping on me "whoa why are you attacking him, he's a good kid." I tried to explain, eventually the teachers aid came and she even sided with him, why was I being voilent towards this nice good kid. I lost it, I was taken out of the room, I was kicking doors and so out of it that day. Being hit, shoved, kicked, punched, spit on, nasty rumors made about, no friends, an outcast. Hell I was even shunned by other outcasts. How the hell does that even happen? I'm an outcast of the OUTCASTS? Needless to say my school life was hell. There is far more but this would take way to long to write, and I honestly don't remember all of it. On top of all that, my family was always blaming me "oh it's your mouth you don't shut up yada yada blah blah". Yet the funny thing is, ya I was talkative and soemtimes I said dumb things, but when I was in school I kept to myself.

So, moving on we have college. I tried college, I failed. I tried electronics engineering at first, 2 semesters and i failed. After I switched my study to heating and air conditioning. Failed. Problem was I couldn't stay focused. I couldn't do the homework, I would even sit in the study cubicles in the library area's, I couldn't focus, the ADHD was just overwhelming. Finally my family said I couldn't do nothing so I needed to get a job. I had had jobs before but they never lasted long but this time being a college failure I had to do something, what would my life become if I coudln't. Heh little did I know back then I would become a huge flopping failure in life. Anyway so I tried one job after another, couldn't hold them. Finally my parents applied for disability for me since they knew something obvoiusly wasn't right. From the failing of college to lack of holding a job we needed to do something. Well I applied for disability and got it after about 2 years. This was around 2001, and by this time my father's health wasn't good. He had massive brain cancer. I didn't mention yet that my home life was as bad as my school life, I'll get into that a bit later. Finally in 2002 my father died and it just seemed like my life become dull grey. After highschool, failure of college, can't hold a job, now my father dead I started to blame God. I remember once in the wooded area by our neighborhood park I practically looked upward and screamed "why God WHY. Why are you allowing these bad things to continuuously happen to me. What have I done so wrong that you can't help me." of coures at the time I wasn't born-again. Still though I question that even now, why has my life been so poor. What purpose has this happened to me?

So fastforwarding nearly 15 years now, its now 2015, I'm going to be 35 this new year, I have nothing going for me really. I still don't realy have friends, the only 2 friends I have are going through a falling out over new years day because of a religous discussion that ended in my blind friend telling me to shut the F up or he'd start throwing fists my way and his wife telling me I'm racist simply because I dont have a desire to date someone of a different race. I sit in my room all day playing on my computer, be it watching movies, or anime, or gaming on my computer thats all I really have a desire to do. I've tried going to church like I mentioned earlier, I've tried reading the bible hell I got pretty far, most of the old testiment, nearly the same time as reading almost all of the new testament, over a the last 6 monthes. What have I gotten out of it though? Nothing really, I remember next to nothing of what I read, and i'm actually so burnt out on the bible that trying to read it just leaves me feeling empty. Am I truly saved if I feel burnt on reading the bible?? I simply don't know. I don't know anything i've lived in a bubble for the last 14 years. I've degradated to what I feel is over 20 years. I feel like I have mental capacity of a teenager, What I mean is I dont remember anything I learned in school, I don't know common things that I think people in their 30's should know. I've been sheltered my whole life, and it's taken a toll. I'm outright afraid of EVERYTHING now, afraid of germs, afraid of dying, afraid the airplanes flying above my head are going to fall apart in mid-air and crash down on my house. Hell I'm afraid of our oven/stove/heating system exploding. Or that I have this or I have that. I can't go to hospitals because if I hear a disease I feel I have it. I'm a complete mess. I've even tried looking for jobs again through voc rehab, I got one after like 6 monthes of looking and within 3 days I lost it due to my back issue and I couldn't handle it. Now we are looking for the lowest possible entry level position and since it was just New Years my advocate is on vacation so no job hunting right now.

Then there are my sins. I'm a sinner, aren't we all you say. Perhaps but I feel mine are pretty bad, I know a sin is a sin, but some of mine haunt me. Yet I continue to commit sins and even though I feel guilt and remorse, I do it. God supposedly gives us a way out. I've read the bible, begged god on my hands and knee's tears streaming down my face, yet I fall into it. I have thoughts I can't control, sometimes I have dreams. I cannot say what these are because it's between me and God and though I have attempted to go to therapy, nothing has worked. Oh I forgot to mention I've been with therapists my whole life and they never work. I beg God, beg and beg and beg, help me Lord help me find you help me change my ways. I can't. I can't let go of things, I can't let go of my thoughts, of my past, It haunts me and it plagues me every day. I'm fighting back tears just writing this because this is so damn painful. People tell me all the time I need to let go and give in to Jesus. HOW. I've had so many ppl praying for me, entire churches, groups of people my own family, NOTHING WORKS. WHY CAN'T IT WORK WHY IS GOD WAITING WHAT DID I DO WRONG. Did I blaspheme the Holy Spirit with the Unpardonable Sin? If I'm beyond redemption why do I feel remorse, if I am not beyond redemption WHY CAN'T I FIND PEACE. JESUS TAKE OF OFF THIS DAMN PLANET I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE. No I'm not suicidal but I can't stand living either.

I'm so frustrated right now, theres so much more to my life but writing it would take way too long.

 

[AGTG]

God bless and don't fear. Jesus has seen and heard everything. He knows every hurt you've experienced and He was hurt by it, too. But the solution has to be His way, not ours.

My friend, like everyone who comes to Jesus, your house is in need of cleaning.

The first place that needs to be cleared is the throne of your heart, as Jesus is the only one worthy of sitting there. This means two things: That you trust the blood of Jesus to cleanse you of all your past sins, and that you will now submit to His Lordship in your life.

As you begin to walk out your life in Christ, you will no longer look back upon the pains and hurts of your past. You are a new creation in Christ, the old has passed away, behold, God is doing something new and wonderful in you.

He will show you how He will make all those hurtful things in your past for good so you will no longer look back in bitterness and hurt. He has a calling on your life, but you cannot be at the steering wheel. Let it go, give it to Jesus, take the passenger seat and watch what He will do in and through you!

Additionally, start speaking positively over yourself and your situation. Speak from faith, with God all things are possible! Say "ALL!" Go ahead, say it! ALL things are possible with God.

Since this is the truth, there is no reason to presume bad will come upon you. His plans for you are good, He wishes to bless you. The more you line up with His truth, the more you bask in His love, the more you walk out the way He taught to live, the more you will be delivered from negativity and the consequences of speaking such a way over your life.

It's time to take back the ground the enemy has been trodding upon all your life. Give it to Jesus, and He will drive out the enemy.

Finally, seek healing and restoration ministry. There are good ministries out there that can help you get set free from the curses every believer must deal with when they come to Jesus. Some of them are ancestral in our bloodlines, others are from our own foolishness opening doors to Satan in our lives through sin. Some of them are associated with our ungodly thinking. It's a process, but it's worth it.

There is one called "Restoring the Foundations" which have ministries all across the nation. Look them up and see who is near to you to receive ministry.

 

[xeoneex]

"trust the blood of Jesus to cleanse you of all your past sins"

HOW? I ask for forgiveness and then turn right around and sin the same, if not worse. If I was truly saved would I not want to sin right off? At one point I could attempt to resist it a little but now I give in without so much as a fight.

"start speaking positively over yourself and your situation. Speak from faith"

Again, I don't know how. This may sound stupid but whenever I start to have good things happen to me things immediatly go south rather fast, and I end up feeling worse than I began. Not even a week ago I may have to drop the only 2 "friends" I have. We were suppose to have a grand new years dinner lots of food, goodies, they were jumping all over me for my attempt at faith and trying to explain things from the bible, got told to shut the F up.

"Finally, seek healing and restoration ministry. There are good ministries out there that can help you get set free from the curses every believer must deal with when they come to Jesus. Some of them are ancestral in our bloodlines, others are from our own foolishness opening doors to Satan in our lives through sin. Some of them are associated with our ungodly thinking. It's a process, but it's worth it."

I've tried earnestly seeking ministry in my life. How do I put up with my being absolutely restless, uncomfortable to a ridiculous level, in order to move forward? There are things I am unwilling to give up in my life. I can't let go no matter what. How, HOW HOW HOW. I simply don't know.

The last church I went with was a suburban bible church. I grew close to one of the elders and we talked alot. I told him alot of my troubles same here, and things were great, but after awhile they kept pressuring me to attend their bible study group, while I would have it was way early in the morning and I am NOT a morning person. 6 am to me is around the time I actually go to bed. And the main problem is I have insomniac like issues where its hard to fall asleep, can wake up easily and if I don't get rest I'm a mess all day. Although Im practically tired and lethargic constantly either way its worse if i don't get at least 6 hours of sleep. On top of that if I wake up too early I'm not in any shape to retain information. Again though I don't retain information barely at all as it is. Aside from the bible study they wanted me to become physically baptised in their church and to me that felt off. Eventually they stopped messaging me asking how I am diong. I feel betrayed even by so called "christians". I seroiusly want to cry right now I'm so hurt and alone.

It seems every christian oriented church I go to I get very bad vibes from. I know it's not me because my older cousin who is a hardcore reader of the bible has cautioned me and avoid certain churches, one of them being a family christian center which there too I had very very bad vibes from. At one point I was literally asking in Jesus's name to remove any evil around me, but it was so constant it felt like it wasn't working. I literally got burnt out constantly asking for Jesus, and it just seems like no matter what I do anymore I fall into the same pit I have been in. I can never seem to finish what i start, and now adays i have little to no motivation to do anything.

 

[AGTG]

Repentance is hard because people don't do it God's way, they try to do it man's way.

God's order for repentance is found in 2 Chronicales 7:14 :

2Chr 7:14 if my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.


The original text is in the very same order that this translation is in. You will note the order of things:

1) humility
2) praying and seeking His face
3) repentance and turning from wicked ways

This order is important because if we do it this way, God is glorified and receives His due. Any other way will attempt to bring glory to man, or show that man has the strength to save himself, which he most certainly does not. This is why so many struggle with sin.

Humility - This is an inward attitude of submission to the One who is worthy of our worship. We stop focusing on ourselves, our situations, our problems, and we focus on Him. He is worthy, we are unworthy, but even in His greatness He still loves us! How precious an opportunity to humble oneself at His feet!

Praying and Seeking His Face - That inward attitude of submission will manifest in an outward expression of adoration and worship. This is why we get on our knees. This is why we make loud cries of praise. This is why we discipline ourselves to spend time with Him every day. No excuses! He is worthy! And, this is a battle. Christians all over the world battle their flesh and foul spiritual influence every day to carve out time to spend with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Consider yourself enlisted in God's army, and your morning and evening prayers are a call to arms. No excuses!

Repentance - Finally, through the relationship that's been established in humility and prayer, God extends to you whatever you ask in Jesus' name that lines up with His will. Is it God's will that you have the power to turn from your sins? Yes! If you ask, He will give you that strength.

Now allow me to share a testimony. When I first came under the conviction of the Holy Spirit for sins I was in, I became so fearful. It was the fear of the Lord that came upon me. Why was I fearful? Because the sins the Holy Spirit put His finger on I had spent years trying to turn from in my own strength and I failed and failed over and over again.

But this time, I was ready to humble myself. I recognized that I could not do this in my own strength. It was then that I began to seek His face in prayer daily. It didn't matter if I didn't feel anything. It didn't matter if it seemed like I was just talking to the air. Again and again I would go to my knees and cry out to God.

But this was a spiritual battle, and Satan doesn't like to go down without a fight. I knew I couldn't return to that sin, but I also knew I didn't have the strength to overcome it. I continued to seek His face in prayer. When the temptations came, I did the only thing I knew: I cried out and asked Jesus to deliver me from the temptation.

The temptations would rise up like a raging storm about me, but every time I called upon Jesus' name He would calm the raging sea and storms. The temptation would subside.

This went on for almost two weeks. I continued steadfast in prayer, seeking His face and asking to be baptized in His Holy Spirit (which Jesus explained is like "power from on high). I continued to call upon Jesus to help me with the temptations, and He was always faithful to get me through them.

Around the 12th day something wonderful happened. I woke up and I knew something changed within me. No longer did that sin have the power it had over me. For so many years I was a slave to that sin, but no more. Jesus broke the power of that sin in my life and He set me free and He baptized me in His Holy Spirit! HALLELUJAH!

My friend, stop looking at yourself and your situation. Stop looking to people for the solution. Do it God's way and you will be set free!

 

[xeoneex]

I get that I'm supposed to leave it to God. But I mean I've gotten on my hands and knee's begging for God to help me. Asking for pure redmeption and it never lasts. Now adays it goes absolutely no where. I feel like pulling out my hair right now I'm so frustrated. How do I absolutely leave it in his hands, just say I give into you and wait? I've done that I dont know what I'm supposed to do.

 

[AGTG]

I get that I'm supposed to leave it to God. But I mean I've gotten on my hands and knee's begging for God to help me. Asking for pure redmeption and it never lasts. Now adays it goes absolutely no where. I feel like pulling out my hair right now I'm so frustrated. How do I absolutely leave it in his hands, just say I give into you and wait? I've done that I dont know what I'm supposed to do.

You don't need to beg Him, you need to give it to Him and trust Him. Trusting Him means you don't continue to dwell on it or let it eat you up. You lay it down, walk away.

One thing that must happen is that you need to start renewing your mind with God's truth. None of the things you're saying are God's thought, it's all your thoughts.

How do you get God's thoughts into your mind? Reading the Bible. If you don't like to read, go to Biblegateway.com and listen to the audio Bibles.

Whenever you hear a promise of God, pause it and thank Him for the promise knowing He will bring it to pass.

I listen to the Bible at least 30 minutes a day, sometimes more. Those words are powerful. REad them again and again.

Here... Take this scripture and read it every day at least once a day, more if you like, for the next thirty days:

Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

The "Him" is Jesus Christ, of course.

Read this scripture over and over again. Keep reading it. Memorize it. Speak it over yourself again and again all day long. Do that for the next 30 days.

I'm challenging you, bro, do it and keep doing it and watch how God changes your perspective on your situation.

Start today, mark it on your calendar, don't give up. Keep reading that over and over and you will see a change in how you look at your situations in life. I promise you. It works! God's Word is powerful!

 

[graceandpeace]

It seems I do get a bit closer each time but I fall way short. I've said the salvation prayer countless times, yet I still have lack of faith.

You don't need to say a "salvation prayer." There is no such thing in the Bible or in traditional Christian practice.

Do you profess faith in Christ? If so, then rest easy. The next step is Baptism. In Baptism, we are marked as Christ's own & visibly join His body, the Church. It is objective & tangible, a means of grace from God to us.

If you have not already received Baptism, then when ready you can approach a priest/minister of a local church. It will depend on the church as to what they will do, I.e. whether you will need to take classes first. (If you want church suggestions, I am willing to offer ideas).

I keep falling into sin, and I keep reading that I shouldn't have a desire to want to sin again, yet I do. I keep feeling like I'm unsaved yet I have guilt, sometimes worse than other times, when I commit these sins. I know the struggle is ongoing but I just feel a lack of God in my life. I'm so restless, always irritated, quick to get frustrated over things that I guess most people wouldn't?

We all sin & we all have things we struggle with. That is why we need to confess & seek forgiveness, knowing that God loves us & extends His grace to us.

In my church & others, there is a General Confession, where together as a body we confess our sins. The priest/minister gives absolution, assuring us that God forgives us. For me, this brings healing.

At the age of 3 I was diagnosed with ADHD, and not the typical "Oh your child is hyper he automatically has ADD" like most doctors like to diagnose children with.
<snip>

We can't give medical advice or analysis on the forums, but I'm sorry to hear of your struggles growing up with this & your struggles with college, jobs.

After highschool, failure of college, can't hold a job, now my father dead I started to blame God. I remember once in the wooded area by our neighborhood park I practically looked upward and screamed "why God WHY. Why are you allowing these bad things to continuuously happen to me. What have I done so wrong that you can't help me." of coures at the time I wasn't born-again. Still though I question that even now, why has my life been so poor. What purpose has this happened to me?

Things that happen in life can often be unfair. People hurt each other, people get sick, people destroy the earth, etc.

Our hope as Christians is that one day God will set all things right - no more tears, pain, or death. But right now we can participate in His kingdom, by loving others in word & deed, by doing anything to make things right in our world.

So fastforwarding nearly 15 years now, its now 2015, I'm going to be 35 this new year, I have nothing going for me really.
<snip>

Much of what follows in your post is concerning. With that much seclusion & fear, I really suggest you seek professional help. We can't give medical advice beyond that on the forums.

Then there are my sins. I'm a sinner, aren't we all you say. Perhaps but I feel mine are pretty bad, I know a sin is a sin, but some of mine haunt me. Yet I continue to commit sins and even though I feel guilt and remorse, I do it.
<snip>

Have you considered talking with a priest/minister?

I again suggest professional help - with a medical doctor.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Hi there; good to see you. A real priority is to have a regular Bible reading habit and a daily prayer life. Other things can then fall into place, maybe with or without medication as the case may be.

 

[ALEA40]

Sending prayers xeoneex!!! Your story could be my son's story too. While he's only 10, it's like you two are the exact same. My husband and i just pulled him out of public school due to the inappropriate treatment by teachers. He has a dx of PDD-NOS which is an autism spectrum disorder. I'm about half way through the book Healing ADD by Daniel Amen where he identifies 6+ very different forms of ADD. He even has very different treatment approaches to each one (supplements, medication, diet, excercise). I am now thinking that my son might have a more severe form of ADHD and not an ASD (or both). There is a survey to fill out that might help you identify which form of ADHD you might have and the treatment options that you might never have considered before. Just a thought since my heart was breaking when I read your post!!!

Regarding your health, I encourage you to pray about it. The Holy Spirit will give you the necessary guidance. As far as the 6 am bible study, there has to be other ones. I don't know too many groups that get together that early. I'm sure you can even request to start your own at the time that is better for you. Don't give up!!!

Blessings!!!

 

[Messy]

Sounds familiar.
I have repented again and again, thousands of prayers and nothing worked, I kept getting angry. I saw T.B. Joshua kicking a demon of anger out of someone on youtube and it started to react in me too and now finally I feel free and don't have to smoke anymore to try to suppress it, which only made it worse.

 

[xeoneex]

Well on top of everything, my grandma has been in the hospital since before dec 24 due to a heart attack, she got out less than a week ago and has been in a rehab center, but I'm not sure if she's going to make it. She's very weak so I've not been checking the thread lately. I'm torn though I feel selfish by doing this whiel she's in her current condition yet I can't ignore my own hurt. And I've been saying phillipians 4:13, we will seee if things start to change for me.

 

[xeoneex]

I spent an allnighter last night with my grandma, mostly uneventful but today I feel sad depressed and just horrible feelings. I had sinful thoughts and acted upon some things which I won't go into, but I don't know if this is why I feel depressed and sad but I don't like this feeling. I keep saying philippians 4:13 but I seem to still fall into sin too easily. Why can't I trust in HIM completely? Why do I have thoughts that are disturbing and that I don't want. I am plagued consstantly *sigh* oh well I'm still asking for help in prayer hopefully someday I'll be a better person through HIM.

 

[aiki]

Finally in 2002 my father died and it just seemed like my life become dull grey. After highschool, failure of college, can't hold a job, now my father dead I started to blame God. I remember once in the wooded area by our neighborhood park I practically looked upward and screamed "why God WHY. Why are you allowing these bad things to continuuously happen to me. What have I done so wrong that you can't help me." of coures at the time I wasn't born-again. Still though I question that even now, why has my life been so poor. What purpose has this happened to me?

Friend, whether or not you're a saved man, bad things happen to us all. God is not picking on you. In fact, if you had a wider perspective on how people live in other parts of the world, you would realize that as hard as some things have been for you, others have problems that are much, much worse. Trouble and pain are the nature of life on a world cursed by sin. God did not initially create our world with such things. Sin and the pain it brings to all of us originates with us, not God. He offers to help us endure the difficulties of life with stability, hope and even joy, but He makes no promise of a problem-free life to any of us. In fact, the hardships of life God uses to show us ourselves and our desperate need of our Maker. God uses pain and tragedy to purify and strengthen us. It is not always welcome, but it is necessary.

I sit in my room all day playing on my computer, be it watching movies, or anime, or gaming on my computer thats all I really have a desire to do.

Only in the affluent west can 35-year-old men carry on like you are. It is not healthy for you or western culture.

I've tried going to church like I mentioned earlier, I've tried reading the bible hell I got pretty far, most of the old testiment, nearly the same time as reading almost all of the new testament, over a the last 6 monthes. What have I gotten out of it though? Nothing really, I remember next to nothing of what I read, and i'm actually so burnt out on the bible that trying to read it just leaves me feeling empty. Am I truly saved if I feel burnt on reading the bible?? I simply don't know.

God intends that you study His Word and attend church because you love Him. These things (prayer, Bible reading, church attendance) are the fruit of a love-relationship with God, not the source of it. You've got the cart before the horse here, I think.

I don't know anything i've lived in a bubble for the last 14 years. I've degradated to what I feel is over 20 years. I feel like I have mental capacity of a teenager, What I mean is I dont remember anything I learned in school, I don't know common things that I think people in their 30's should know. I've been sheltered my whole life, and it's taken a toll.

Realizing these things can be the beginning of healthy change and growth. What are you willing to do to have a different, better life?

I'm outright afraid of EVERYTHING now, afraid of germs, afraid of dying, afraid the airplanes flying above my head are going to fall apart in mid-air and crash down on my house. Hell I'm afraid of our oven/stove/heating system exploding. Or that I have this or I have that. I can't go to hospitals because if I hear a disease I feel I have it. I'm a complete mess.

I suspect the loss of your father has a lot to do with your fears. And the fact that you aren't living in accord with God's purpose in creating you. God made you to be in loving fellowship with Him. When you neglect this purpose for your existence, you end up pursuing lesser, ultimately unsatisfying things that waste you and bind you in darkness.

Then there are my sins. I'm a sinner, aren't we all you say. Perhaps but I feel mine are pretty bad, I know a sin is a sin, but some of mine haunt me. Yet I continue to commit sins and even though I feel guilt and remorse, I do it. God supposedly gives us a way out. I've read the bible, begged god on my hands and knee's tears streaming down my face, yet I fall into it.

Sorrow and frustration over your sin and confession of it is only the very beginning of how one gets victory over sin. If you are saved, begging God to help you is to beg Him to do what He has already done. He can give you no more help than to place His Spirit within you, which He did when you were saved. If the Spirit of the Almighty Creator of Everything is not sufficient to help you, you cannot be helped. But the Holy Spirit is able to bring you free of your sin. But he does so his way. Do you know what that way is? It doesn't sound like you do.

I have thoughts I can't control, sometimes I have dreams. I cannot say what these are because it's between me and God and though I have attempted to go to therapy, nothing has worked.

At some point, you need to share your struggles with a godly man who can hold you up in prayer to God.

James 5:16 (NKJV)
16 Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.

Therapy cannot help you with a spiritual problem. And your sin is the result of spiritual issues, ultimately. Oh, there may be some biochemical factors at play, but often, I believe, people are seeing therapists when they should be talking to God and taking His advice.

Oh I forgot to mention I've been with therapists my whole life and they never work. I beg God, beg and beg and beg, help me Lord help me find you help me change my ways. I can't. I can't let go of things, I can't let go of my thoughts, of my past, It haunts me and it plagues me every day.

Well, believe it or not, understanding your helplessness is vital to walking rightly with God. Jesus makes this pretty clear, I think. He said,

John 15:5 (NKJV)
5 I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.

Paul the apostle wrote,

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NKJV)
9 And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

God must bring us to our knees and show us just how totally bankrupt we are of the ability to live as He wants us to live. When we are fully convinced of our weakness, then it is we depend upon God as we should and submit to Him being strong for us.

I'm fighting back tears just writing this because this is so damn painful. People tell me all the time I need to let go and give in to Jesus. HOW.

You will never give in to Jesus if you don't know and love him. Only a fool would willingly yield himself to a stranger. What do you know of Jesus? Do you know how much he loves you?

I've had so many ppl praying for me, entire churches, groups of people my own family, NOTHING WORKS. WHY CAN'T IT WORK WHY IS GOD WAITING WHAT DID I DO WRONG.

It takes time to get sick enough of a life without God that we are willing to do whatever He tells us to do so that we may walk with Him. Really, I think you simply don't know the truth and are waiting on God to do things which, if you are saved, He has already done.

Did I blaspheme the Holy Spirit with the Unpardonable Sin? If I'm beyond redemption why do I feel remorse, if I am not beyond redemption WHY CAN'T I FIND PEACE. JESUS TAKE OF OFF THIS DAMN PLANET I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE. No I'm not suicidal but I can't stand living either.

Good. You sound ready to finally try things God's way. Is there anyone who can disciple you? Really, I think this is what you need.


Selah.

 

[xeoneex]

Friend, whether or not you're a saved man, bad things happen to us all. God is not picking on you. In fact, if you had a wider perspective on how people live in other parts of the world, you would realize that as hard as some things have been for you, others have problems that are much, much worse. Trouble and pain are the nature of life on a world cursed by sin. God did not initially create our world with such things. Sin and the pain it brings to all of us originates with us, not God. He offers to help us endure the difficulties of life with stability, hope and even joy, but He makes no promise of a problem-free life to any of us. In fact, the hardships of life God uses to show us ourselves and our desperate need of our Maker. God uses pain and tragedy to purify and strengthen us. It is not always welcome, but it is necessary.

Only in the affluent west can 35-year-old men carry on like you are. It is not healthy for you or western culture.

God intends that you study His Word and attend church because you love Him. These things (prayer, Bible reading, church attendance) are the fruit of a love-relationship with God, not the source of it. You've got the cart before the horse here, I think.

Realizing these things can be the beginning of healthy change and growth. What are you willing to do to have a different, better life?

I suspect the loss of your father has a lot to do with your fears. And the fact that you aren't living in accord with God's purpose in creating you. God made you to be in loving fellowship with Him. When you neglect this purpose for your existence, you end up pursuing lesser, ultimately unsatisfying things that waste you and bind you in darkness.

Sorrow and frustration over your sin and confession of it is only the very beginning of how one gets victory over sin. If you are saved, begging God to help you is to beg Him to do what He has already done. He can give you no more help than to place His Spirit within you, which He did when you were saved. If the Spirit of the Almighty Creator of Everything is not sufficient to help you, you cannot be helped. But the Holy Spirit is able to bring you free of your sin. But he does so his way. Do you know what that way is? It doesn't sound like you do.

At some point, you need to share your struggles with a godly man who can hold you up in prayer to God.

James 5:16 (NKJV)
16 Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.

Therapy cannot help you with a spiritual problem. And your sin is the result of spiritual issues, ultimately. Oh, there may be some biochemical factors at play, but often, I believe, people are seeing therapists when they should be talking to God and taking His advice.

Well, believe it or not, understanding your helplessness is vital to walking rightly with God. Jesus makes this pretty clear, I think. He said,

John 15:5 (NKJV)
5 I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.

Paul the apostle wrote,

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NKJV)
9 And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

God must bring us to our knees and show us just how totally bankrupt we are of the ability to live as He wants us to live. When we are fully convinced of our weakness, then it is we depend upon God as we should and submit to Him being strong for us.

You will never give in to Jesus if you don't know and love him. Only a fool would willingly yield himself to a stranger. What do you know of Jesus? Do you know how much he loves you?

It takes time to get sick enough of a life without God that we are willing to do whatever He tells us to do so that we may walk with Him. Really, I think you simply don't know the truth and are waiting on God to do things which, if you are saved, He has already done.

Good. You sound ready to finally try things God's way. Is there anyone who can disciple you? Really, I think this is what you need.


Selah.

I've heard most of this before yet here I am the same as I was. I've heard too many different conflicting things. I've tried to do as I was advised, read the bible, pray get on my hands and knee's. Nothing seems to work. There are things i CANNOT talk about to just anyone. Sin is sin, but there are things best left unsaid. And i don't really have someone I can sit down with an unbiased opinion. I've been down this road with many other people, and it seems to fail. I just dont know anymore. I get that there are others with way more issues than I. However as much as I try to put it into perspective I simply cant. Iknow what I'm going through, no one else does, and I'm meaning anyone that can help me through my issues. So how am I suppose to get someone who can understand what I'm going through to help. I guess I have to resign myself that I'm going to have a horrible life, and I may burn for eternity because I just can't be sure I'm saved 100%.

It says in the bible, my brother pointed out one time to me, that God knows our frame, our way of thinking why we do what we do how we do it etc... If he knows how I am, he has to also know the difficulty i'm having accepting things. And if he knows how much I want to change and all that jazz, why is it so difficult, again. I simply can't buy that I'm not doing enough, when I try to read the bible honestly, can't get any of it, get tired of trying to read it. I try to listen to gospel music, christian music I can't stomach it. WHY. I don't understand. I beg him to help me accept him, and yet nothing. I don't get it, but whatever I have to accept my lack of God I guess. I'm frustrated, tired fully exhausted and just sick of this stupid world. I outright hate living on this cursed rock. Wish I could hurry up and go to where-ever I'm suppsoe to go, obvoiusly thats not gonna happen and I'm going to suffer I guess. Whatever thanks for the advice I guess prayer doesn't do anything it seems. I can have 5, 500 or 5000 ppl praying and it seems to make no difference.

 

[look4hope]

Hi....hey listen, please know that most if not all of us live life with a painful past. I don't have the answer to your questions or a perfect advice, but here is my sincere wish that things fall into place for you. Life can beat us down so low that it's hard to find the strength to pick ourlseved up with dignity. But nevertheless, sharing and opening up to us about your pain, is definitely a step up. Be strong please.

Prayers. Hugs.

 

[xeoneex]

I'm trying but between seeing my grandma in a state that reminds me of my father before he died, having trouble sleeping the past few days because I had to stay with her so long, and a kitten running around my house like a crazed kid on sugar, aren't helping right now -_-. I'm so exhausted, going to sleep now then I get to do this entire process all over again. I have a very bad feeling things aren't going to be so good with my grandma and theres alot of crap thats going to happen. It's going to get harder and harder on us and Im worried I'm at my limit with all of this.

 

[aiki]

I've heard most of this before yet here I am the same as I was.

Hearing the truth and understanding it are not one and the same thing.

I've heard too many different conflicting things. I've tried to do as I was advised, read the bible, pray get on my hands and knee's. Nothing seems to work.

You seem to think you can reduce your relationship with God to procedures, or steps, or rituals, but this isn't how personal relationships work - well, healthy ones, anyway. Imagine if a woman tried dating you this way. It would be a strange and unpleasant thing if she talked with you only to provoke you to do what she wanted you to do. Your conversations would be very...peculiar if you knew her motive for talking with you was solely about what she could get from you rather than that she had any genuine affection for you. In light of this, ask yourself why you read your Bible, and pray, and "get on your hands and knees"? It sounds like you simply want to be rid of the things that trouble you, not that you desire to know and love God. You want God's help but do you really want Him? God's help is Himself; when you ask God for help, you are asking for more of Him.

There are things i CANNOT talk about to just anyone.

Um, I didn't suggest you should talk to "just anyone."

Sin is sin, but there are things best left unsaid. And i don't really have someone I can sit down with an unbiased opinion. I've been down this road with many other people, and it seems to fail.

This doesn't negate the truth of Scripture. Regardless of your experience, the fervent, effectual prayer of a righteous man does avail much.

I just dont know anymore. I get that there are others with way more issues than I. However as much as I try to put it into perspective I simply cant. Iknow what I'm going through, no one else does, and I'm meaning anyone that can help me through my issues.

Yeah, this is the kind of thinking the devil loves to encourage us to embrace. It isolates us and makes us easy prey for him. Here's the truth about your sin-struggles:

1 Corinthians 10:13 (NKJV)
13 No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.

So how am I suppose to get someone who can understand what I'm going through to help. I guess I have to resign myself that I'm going to have a horrible life, and I may burn for eternity because I just can't be sure I'm saved 100%.

Ask God to bring to you a godly man who can disciple and pray for you.

Your "horrible life" is something for which you need to take appropriate responsibility. If it is horrible, it is so at least in part because of the thinking and choices you've made.

My grandfather used to say that the quickest way to being sure of your salvation was to obey God. He noted, too, that the quickest way to making yourself unsure of your salvation was to disobey God. From what you've written, it sounds like he was exactly right. Do you know what the "first and great commandment" is? It isn't "read your Bible" or "don't have impure thoughts" or "attend church once a week." No, the first and great commandment is as Jesus declares:

Matthew 22:35-38
35 Then one of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, and saying,
36 "Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?"
37 Jesus said to him, "'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.'
38 This is the first and great commandment.

When you are obeying this commandment, you will never doubt your salvation.

It says in the bible, my brother pointed out one time to me, that God knows our frame, our way of thinking why we do what we do how we do it etc... If he knows how I am, he has to also know the difficulty i'm having accepting things. And if he knows how much I want to change and all that jazz, why is it so difficult, again.

Why do you want to change? Is it to escape the misery of your life, or because you delight in obeying the God you love? Your motive for obedience makes an enormous difference to the value and power of your obedience.

I simply can't buy that I'm not doing enough, when I try to read the bible honestly, can't get any of it, get tired of trying to read it. I try to listen to gospel music, christian music I can't stomach it. WHY. I don't understand.

We never tire of that which we love. I have a friend who loves golf. He spends huge amounts of time, energy and money hitting a little, white ball all over creation. If you talk to him long enough, he always inevitably talks of what he loves: golf. It isn't a chore for him to play; although he must work at his game, it is not a labor. So, too, with God. When you love Him, reading His Word and listening to music that glorifies Him will not tire and repel you but give you joy.

I beg him to help me accept him, and yet nothing. I don't get it, but whatever I have to accept my lack of God I guess.

Why would you feel you must beg God to accept you? The only way you will ever get God to accept you is to accept by faith His Son as your Saviour and Lord. You don't, then, need to beg God to accept you. All you need to do is receive the gift of His Son. No begging necessary.

I'm frustrated, tired fully exhausted and just sick of this stupid world. I outright hate living on this cursed rock.

No surprise, really. You aren't living according to the purpose for which you were made, so you are bound to find life the exhausting, frustrating and stupid thing that you do. It doesn't have to be this way, however.

John 10:10
10 ... I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

Wish I could hurry up and go to where-ever I'm suppsoe to go, obvoiusly thats not gonna happen and I'm going to suffer I guess. Whatever thanks for the advice I guess prayer doesn't do anything it seems. I can have 5, 500 or 5000 ppl praying and it seems to make no difference.

No amount of prayer can force you to do what you are determined not to do. God will not make you love and obey Him. You must choose to do so. God has given you ample reason to love Him. All that remains is for you to know and understand the love He has for you and to take delight in it.

1 John 4:18-19
18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.
19 We love Him because He first loved us.

1 John 4:9-10
9 In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him.
10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

Selah.

 

[xeoneex]

Hearing the truth and understanding it are not one and the same thing.

I know hearing and understanding are 2 seperate things. I don't get HOW to understand. I've tried honestly to read it and absorb it. I read some things over and over when I space out while reading or listening. A single passage isn't that difficult to memorize, but absorbing it's meaning doesn't seem to sink in. I've repeated and honestly tried to understand Philippians 4:13. I've said it over and over and over and over. And yet It just doesn't feel like anything is working on me. And on top of it, it gets annoying to say things 100 times in a single day to try to absorb it.

You seem to think you can reduce your relationship with God to procedures, or steps, or rituals, but this isn't how personal relationships work - well, healthy ones, anyway. Imagine if a woman tried dating you this way. It would be a strange and unpleasant thing if she talked with you only to provoke you to do what she wanted you to do. Your conversations would be very...peculiar if you knew her motive for talking with you was solely about what she could get from you rather than that she had any genuine affection for you. In light of this, ask yourself why you read your Bible, and pray, and "get on your hands and knees"? It sounds like you simply want to be rid of the things that trouble you, not that you desire to know and love God. You want God's help but do you really want Him? God's help is Himself; when you ask God for help, you are asking for more of Him.

No I wasn't trying to make it sound like I'm about precedures and steps. What I meant was, that some of what you are saying is conflicting to other things I've been told by people. My cousin keeps cautioning me against things and churches. He's very knowledgeable about the bible hell he's been studying it for many years now. He constantly cautions me when I talk with him, stay away from this church, stay away from that church. Then my aunt tells me things that kind of don't coincide with what he says. They've even told me to don't listen to what he says, or what she says. Then outside influence confuses me more. Even some of what you say I feel cautious about. So it has nothign to do with "steps and procedures". If you have 5 different people teaching a child something, how is that child suppose to grasp what it is that's being taught if 5 different methods are applied?

Um, I didn't suggest you should talk to "just anyone.

What I mean is, there are things I can never tell a soul. I've told things to certain people and it's come to bite me in my ass. I've learned there are things you DO NOT say, under any circumstance.

"Yeah, this is the kind of thinking the devil loves to encourage us to embrace. It isolates us and makes us easy prey for him. Here's the truth about your sin-struggles:

1 Corinthians 10:13 (NKJV)
13 No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. "

And yet most times I try to honestly avoid sin, I pray, I say the lords prayer I try something, and the more I try the more I end up failing and falling into sin.

Ask God to bring to you a godly man who can disciple and pray for you.

Your "horrible life" is something for which you need to take appropriate responsibility. If it is horrible, it is so at least in part because of the thinking and choices you've made.

My grandfather used to say that the quickest way to being sure of your salvation was to obey God. He noted, too, that the quickest way to making yourself unsure of your salvation was to disobey God. From what you've written, it sounds like he was exactly right. Do you know what the "first and great commandment" is? It isn't "read your Bible" or "don't have impure thoughts" or "attend church once a week." No, the first and great commandment is as Jesus declares:

Matthew 22:35-38
35 Then one of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, and saying,
36 "Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?"
37 Jesus said to him, "'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.'
38 This is the first and great commandment.

When you are obeying this commandment, you will never doubt your salvation.

First, I HAVE prayed for God to show me someone to guide me. And they were more concerned about me doing what they wanted for their church, being baptized and proclaiming to their congregation that I accept Jesus etc... They kept pressuring me to join their bible study group, which was at 6 am, and I am not a morning person at all. Go to their fundraising things etc... I attended one of their baptism services at someone's farm. Things felt off. I felt I didn't quite fit in right. I couldn't place it. I kept asking God if this is what he had for me and I either got no answer or couldn't understand God. I tried another church before that years ago, and they are evil, they care more about money than anything. They are pray for lots of money to help organizations, but again my cousin says they don't teach the right things, spout random bible verses, but without any real context. I understood what my cousin was saying. I even asked him about the "vibes" I had, though he did say be careful of feelings they can be used by the devil. Yet despite that he actually said sometimes those do have certain merit. I don't quit get it yet but I sort of see what he was refering to. The man who I thought God brought to me stopped messaging me and I haven't spoken to him in a long time. He would message me constantly. He would ask how I was today, I'd tell him good or bad or whatever. But then there was a huge fight in my household, I was extremely depressed, I messaged him, though all he really said, if I remember correctly, was just pray on it and God would provide the answer. The thing is, thats normally what he would say. Yet when I did pray I found nothing. So I got a little heated and I told him it wasn't working and that I felt like i was being abandoned b God, I know that God doesnt' abandon people he just turn's his back if you are sinning. I dont remember much of what else was said but we haven't spoken since. He stopped messaging me every day asking how I was. My point is that I've been disappointed by people who I thought, as you say it, would disciple me. I'm too stubborn too, I know this, I have prayed constantly for God to take away this stubborness but it's still there. It won't go away with the thoughts I have. And unfortunatly it's that stubborness that causes me to think, feel, and behave the way I do. Yet I can't seem to change it or get rid of it when I need it to. It's easy for you to say I need to obey God, my question is HOW do I get myself to do what I need to do in ORDER to obey God without being stubborn or defensive? It's quite obvious prayer isn't cutting it. And another thing, I never asked to be picked on as a child. I never asked to have certain things happen when I was barely too young to remember. I get that NOW my choices affect things, but what about the times when I didn't even know of Jesus, or when I was too young to know much of anything? The statement "I need to take appropriate responsibility" doesn't equate to everything that has happened to me.

"

Why do you want to change? Is it to escape the misery of your life, or because you delight in obeying the God you love? Your motive for obedience makes an enormous difference to the value and power of your obedience

."

I want to change because I'm sick of the way I am. I'm sick of being stubborn, having thoughts that plague me that I want to get rid of and yet can't. I live every day with things that I can't stand anymore. You know I get that God wants me to obey Him and do His every bidding for Him, but when the biggest obstacle is how I am that directly prevents me from doing so. If the simple fact I'm not able to do this all for Him because I want to, then I'm destined to be without God for eternity. THIS is why I want to change. I want to earnestly seek God the way I see other people without feeling like I'm can't. This stubbornness is a curse for me and it's directly affecting me wanting to have a relationship with God. And no amount of prayer, or therapy or anything, will ever seem to change it.

We never tire of that which we love. I have a friend who loves golf. He spends huge amounts of time, energy and money hitting a little, white ball all over creation. If you talk to him long enough, he always inevitably talks of what he loves: golf. It isn't a chore for him to play; although he must work at his game, it is not a labor. So, too, with God. When you love Him, reading His Word and listening to music that glorifies Him will not tire and repel you but give you joy.

And yet I do get tired and burnt out of it. Meaning I apparently don't love God, in which case everything i'm attempting to do is in vane, and again I'll burn for all eternity. Actually ironically enough i've spoken to other christians, here we go again, that say maybe God wants me to take a break from the bible. I just don't soak up information like normal people. This is what ADHD is unfortunatly. We don't soak up and retain information the same way as non ADD. At least for me it's extremely difficult, tedious and the process is almost unworth it at times. Now I'm not saying it's not worth studying God's word no not at all, but it does mean that trying to read the bible and absorb ANY of it gets me annoyed, discouraged, frustrated and has me flocking to what I love doing = Gaming. Listening to the music, while nice and all, I just can't stand it. I can't stand listening to any music really. The only thing I listen to day in day out is chiptunes stuff, nintendo music stuff like that. Any other type of music and I can't stand it. Even gospel/christian music.

Why would you feel you must beg God to accept you? The only way you will ever get God to accept you is to accept by faith His Son as your Saviour and Lord. You don't, then, need to beg God to accept you. All you need to do is receive the gift of His Son. No begging necessary.

I had only 3 hours of sleep yesturday when I wrote this I think what I meant was, why can't God accept that i'm trying and failing. I actually dont remember what I meant now but it wasn't God accepting me in the way your thinking.

No surprise, really. You aren't living according to the purpose for which you were made, so you are bound to find life the exhausting, frustrating and stupid thing that you do. It doesn't have to be this way, however.

It started after my father died, now me and him didn't have a great relationship mind you. We never saw eye to eye and I hated the way he made me do things because HE wanted me to do them not because he wanted me to try different things. He liked sports so he wanted me to be into sports. I was a gamer and he hated it. But for whatever reason after he died life felt like it had no purpose. Colors became gray smells were dull and boring, everything became boring. I'm not sure its directly tied to his death, but I think it's death in general. I've witnessed many deathes in my life and each time it's like a part of me dies. Now my grandma is at deathes door and here we go again.

No amount of prayer can force you to do what you are determined not to do. God will not make you love and obey Him. You must choose to do so. God has given you ample reason to love Him. All that remains is for you to know and understand the love He has for you and to take delight in it.

Ok here we go AGAIN. If I can't find a way to convince myself, then I'm destined to be out of God's reach, burn in hell for eternity AND have a horrible life. And as a God who is perfect and loving and all that jazz, I fail to see this is the case. I can't believe for one damn minute that A God, who created the entire universe, this planet, every living creature, can see the future, knows everything, and yet can't help me find a way to overcome my problems, or simply doesn't want to because of what I'm thinking/feeling/doing? I don't buy not for one second, that simply obeying him is the answer because of I've tried and failed time and time again, that I simply have to without fail and love him, how do I love someone? And the real truth of the matter is, how do I get myself to love something i'm unsure of? I have been on and off this for many many years. I'm trying to convince myself that I need to trust in God, but with things happening the way they have been I'm only lying to myself. In which case again I say, I'm destined to burn in hell for eternity because I can't convince myself to obey God for God to God? This doesn't equate in my mind. And I'm already a lost cause by the simple logic you provided earlier. However that no amount of prayer has and apprently will ever change my way of thinking, and in all honesty this is like saying God himself can't change my mind. The sad irony of this apparently is that he won't and I must myself, yet if the biggest obstacle is my own stubborness that i can't break myself, I'm in a catch 22, and You guessed it, will continue to fall away from God further and further till I no longer have any trace of God in me, will burn in hell for eternity AND have a horrible life on this rock.

All that remains is for you to know and understand the love He has for you and to take delight in it.

HOW. I already know what you said earlier and it just doesn't compute in my head.

1 John 4:18-19
18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.
19 We love Him because He first loved us.

1 John 4:9-10
9 In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him.
10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

Yet I fear everything, including love. SO *sigh*, once again because I lack love, I'm obvoiusly not obeying God, therefore I'll burn in hell for eternity AND have a horrible life.

I honestly dont know what else to say. it's a catch 22 and I'm screwed either way it seems. But whatever.

 

[aiki]

I know hearing and understanding are 2 seperate things.

Yes, I was sure you did. I was merely trying to remind you.

I don't get HOW to understand. I've tried honestly to read it and absorb it. I read some things over and over when I space out while reading or listening. A single passage isn't that difficult to memorize, but absorbing it's meaning doesn't seem to sink in. I've repeated and honestly tried to understand Philippians 4:13. I've said it over and over and over and over. And yet It just doesn't feel like anything is working on me. And on top of it, it gets annoying to say things 100 times in a single day to try to absorb it.

God's Word is illuminated to us, it is made sense of to us, by God's Spirit, not by excessive repetition. Philippians 4:13 isn't a magic spell that must be repeated in order to take effect. It is a spiritual truth that should shape how you live and face the difficulties of life. To those who have walked with God a long time it is a well-known truth that God often only supplies what we need at the very moment we need it. He builds the bridge as we step out onto it. This is what is meant by "walking by faith, not by sight." So Philippians 4:13 isn't a promise that God will once-for-all make you able to overcome all temptation and trouble. No, the verse means that when we need help Jesus is present with us in the Person of the Holy Spirit to be strong for us. As a result, the situations that seem impossible for us to navigate he gives us the ability to steer through successfully.

Then outside influence confuses me more. Even some of what you say I feel cautious about. So it has nothign to do with "steps and procedures". If you have 5 different people teaching a child something, how is that child suppose to grasp what it is that's being taught if 5 different methods are applied?

Hebrews 4:12
12 For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

If you want to know the truth, if you want to be able to properly assess the things people are telling you about walking with God, you must use God's Word as the standard rule. Nothing I have written to you is in opposition to Scripture. Check the Word of God to see if what I'm telling you is off. I shall take pains from now on to anchor everything I say to you about walking with God to a specific Bible passage or verse. All right?

What I mean is, there are things I can never tell a soul. I've told things to certain people and it's come to bite me in my ass. I've learned there are things you DO NOT say, under any circumstance

I understand. You show good sense being very cautious about who it is you open up to about your sin-struggles. As I said, it takes a very spiritually mature believer to hear what you are fighting with and to pray well for you. Don't give up looking for such a man, however. You need - as we all do - his effectual, fervent prayer that avails much.

And yet most times I try to honestly avoid sin, I pray, I say the lords prayer I try something, and the more I try the more I end up failing and falling into sin.

But no where in Scripture are we told that repeating the Lord's Prayer will aid us in defeating temptation. Getting free of the grip of sin starts with knowing who you are as a saved person, as a born-again child of God. You might begin to inform yourself of who you really as God's child by looking at Romans 6. The apostle Paul says some remarkable things about a Christian's spiritual position relative to sin:

Romans 6:1-2
1 What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound?
2 Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it?

Romans 6:6-7
6 knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin.
7 For he who has died has been freed from sin.

Romans 6:11-12
11 Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts.

First, I HAVE prayed for God to show me someone to guide me. And they were more concerned about me doing what they wanted for their church, being baptized and proclaiming to their congregation that I accept Jesus etc... They kept pressuring me to join their bible study group, which was at 6 am, and I am not a morning person at all. Go to their fundraising things etc... I attended one of their baptism services at someone's farm. Things felt off. I felt I didn't quite fit in right.

Yeah, I'm not a morning person, either. Sounds like the church dropped the ball when it came to discipleship. I'm sorry things were rather [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]-eyed for you in this church you describe above. Not all churches are this way.

I couldn't place it. I kept asking God if this is what he had for me and I either got no answer or couldn't understand God.

Did you consult God's Word for wisdom on what was happening and on how to respond? Many Christians pray for guidance from God when He has already given it to them in His Word.

So I got a little heated and I told him it wasn't working and that I felt like i was being abandoned b God, I know that God doesnt' abandon people he just turn's his back if you are sinning.

Really? I don't see that in Scripture... Do you remember what the father of the Prodigal Son did while his son wasted his inheritance on wicked living?

Luke 15:18-20
18 I will arise and go to my father, and will say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you,
19 and I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants." '
20 And he arose and came to his father. But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him.

Does this sound like the father had turned his back on his son? No. He was looking for his son's return, and ran out to meet him when he saw him, and gladly embraced him. The only one who turned his back was the sinning son. This parable is a picture of how God the Father deals with us when we chase after sin. He does not turn his back on us when we sin, but waits and watches for us to return to Him in confession and repentance. And when we do, in love He eagerly embraces us and welcomes us home. How much He loves us!

I want to change because I'm sick of the way I am. I'm sick of being stubborn, having thoughts that plague me that I want to get rid of and yet can't. I live every day with things that I can't stand anymore.

Hating your life is not loving God. And it is your love for God that must be at the heart of walking with Him. About this the Bible is crystal clear.

Matthew 22:35-38
35 Then one of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, and saying,
36 "Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?"
37 Jesus said to him, "'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.'
38 This is the first and great commandment.

You know I get that God wants me to obey Him and do His every bidding for Him, but when the biggest obstacle is how I am that directly prevents me from doing so.

I don't mean to be rude, but you don't seem to understand your relationship with God much at all. Obeying God is the result of loving Him. He accepts from us no other motive for obedience.

1 Corinthians 13:1-3
1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal.
2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.

If the simple fact I'm not able to do this all for Him because I want to, then I'm destined to be without God for eternity.

Friend, on your own, you can do nothing for God. You must "work out your own salvation" only after God has worked into you the ability and desire to do so. (Phil. 2:12, 13) If you don't have a love for God, ask Him to work in you so that you do come to love Him.

THIS is why I want to change. I want to earnestly seek God the way I see other people without feeling like I'm can't. This stubbornness is a curse for me and it's directly affecting me wanting to have a relationship with God. And no amount of prayer, or therapy or anything, will ever seem to change it.

The fact that you have any interest whatever in knowing God and walking with Him is evidence that He is at work in you. Yield to Him doing more. He will - though not maybe in the way you expect.

And yet I do get tired and burnt out of it. Meaning I apparently don't love God, in which case everything i'm attempting to do is in vane, and again I'll burn for all eternity.

Well, there is something clearly awry in your relationship with God. But it is not necessary to throw up your hands and despair. That's a bit of an over-reaction, I think. God intends to do for you what you cannot do for yourself. Spiritual maturity amounts to ever-increasing dependence upon God. It is good, then, that you understand how totally unable you are to be the person only God can make you to be.

Actually ironically enough i've spoken to other christians, here we go again, that say maybe God wants me to take a break from the bible.

I don't care what Christians are telling you, actually. What is important is what God has to say about being in His Word.

2 Timothy 3:16-17
16 All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness,
17 that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.

1 Peter 2:2
2 as newborn babes, desire the pure milk of the word, that you may grow thereby,

I just don't soak up information like normal people. This is what ADHD is unfortunatly. We don't soak up and retain information the same way as non ADD. At least for me it's extremely difficult, tedious and the process is almost unworth it at times.

I'm going to be blunt: you're making excuses. Not being in God's Word is not an option for a child of God. Jesus said,

Matthew 4:4
4 But He answered and said, "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.' "

Now I'm not saying it's not worth studying God's word no not at all, but it does mean that trying to read the bible and absorb ANY of it gets me annoyed, discouraged, frustrated and has me flocking to what I love doing = Gaming.

I can tell you that almost all video games promote a type of thinking and experience that will make quiet, deep Bible study very difficult - especially if you spend many hours a week gaming. I know of no video game that isn't at some points directly at odds with what God calls you to as His child.

Selah.

 

[aiki]

It started after my father died, now me and him didn't have a great relationship mind you. We never saw eye to eye and I hated the way he made me do things because HE wanted me to do them not because he wanted me to try different things. He liked sports so he wanted me to be into sports. I was a gamer and he hated it. But for whatever reason after he died life felt like it had no purpose. Colors became gray smells were dull and boring, everything became boring. I'm not sure its directly tied to his death, but I think it's death in general. I've witnessed many deathes in my life and each time it's like a part of me dies. Now my grandma is at deathes door and here we go again.

I think your OCD-like descriptions of your thinking and behaviour are linked in some measure to how you have processed the death you've experienced. For the Christian, death is just a doorway to the life we were always meant for, but it can be easy to lose sight of this in the sorrow of the loss of a loved one. The devil is in the mix, too, trying to make the experience of death more bitter and destructive than it should be.

Ok here we go AGAIN. If I can't find a way to convince myself, then I'm destined to be out of God's reach, burn in hell for eternity AND have a horrible life. And as a God who is perfect and loving and all that jazz, I fail to see this is the case. I can't believe for one damn minute that A God, who created the entire universe, this planet, every living creature, can see the future, knows everything, and yet can't help me find a way to overcome my problems, or simply doesn't want to because of what I'm thinking/feeling/doing?

You aren't a puppet, or a robot. You bear full responsibility for your choices. God will not end-run around your free will and force you to love Him. Love that is forced is not really love, is it? God gives you every reason to love Him and He offers you the power of His Spirit to be the person He wants you to be, but, in the end, you must choose to respond to, and act upon what God has done and wants to do in you.

As I said, if you are born-again, God has already given you all you need in the Person of His Spirit to do all He requires of you to do. Your job is to believe it regardless of your experience and your feelings. This is what it means to "walk by faith, not by sight," which is what every believer must do.

I don't buy not for one second, that simply obeying him is the answer because of I've tried and failed time and time again, that I simply have to without fail and love him, how do I love someone?

You misunderstand what I wrote. I was trying to get you to see that obedience and love are directly related and that the highest form of obedience to God is to love Him. When you love God, all the other things He commands you to do are a joy, not a burden. You will obey happily when you love the One you are obeying. This is God's design for fellowship with Him.

How do you love God?

1 John 4:19
19 We love Him because He first loved us.

Have you given yourself time and space to carefully and at length ponder God's love for you? When was the last time you studied out what the Bible has to say about God's incredible love for you? Friend, you will be shaped by that upon which you set your mind. Companies spends billions every year on advertising because they know that this is so. And God knows it, too. If you want the love of God to take root in your heart, you must give His love room and time in your thinking and in your heart. Right now it seems your mind and heart are filled with gaming, and anime, and your dissatisfaction with life.

Colossians 3:1-3
1 If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God.
2 Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.
3 For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

Philippians 4:8
8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things.

Psalms 1:1-2
1 Blessed is the man Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, Nor stands in the path of sinners, Nor sits in the seat of the scornful;
2 But his delight is in the law of the Lord, And in His law he meditates day and night.

I know, I know: you don't want to spend time in the Bible studying it. That's the problem. How do you change your desire? You don't. That's God's job. Ask Him to make you sick of the things you now love that aren't of Him. Ask Him to make them sour and dark to your mind and heart. Ask Him to change you, to cause you to know His love. And as He does, take the steps He enables you to take in response.

Philippians 2:13
13 for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.

Only God can produce Himself in you. You are able only to reproduce more of you. So, ask Him to do what only He can do. He will.

I don't mean to be offensive, but do you know how and what it means to be saved?

Selah.