New revelation

[Mayflower1]

Bless your heart. You are trying really hard. I will keep you in my prayers. Riding a bike is a good way to fight temptation. But besides that, I promise you that there is a way you can be NOT addicted. Philippians 4:13 is a very simple verse, but it says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Check out the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time. Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, taking as Jesus did, the sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will. So that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with you forever in the next. Amen."

my way out of self-injury, was to get addicted to God's Word. and every time a weak moment came up, I would say a scripture. I would cast down the worthless, addictive thought, and I would replace it with the sword of truth.

I really recommend Teen Challenge. Hopefully, this isn't counted as spam, because I have talked a lot about it since I got back on, but God changed my life through it. No more am I bound by my past. You are right, you have to work through your past issues, if you are to ever be free, but by God's grace and mercy, you can! You can have victory!

 

[TheMainException]

God has done a lot already...and I know he can help me through my past issues...thanks for reminding me...I need reminders...it's so easy for me to not remain present in His power and healing. The hardest part of dealing with my past is that I don't remember my past. It's gone, probably because it was pretty rough on me as a kid. It's weird, I remember flashes, just a few things...and I remember it over all being scary, like...that my parents fought a lot, but I don't really remember specific fights or things like that. I remember very little...and that makes it hard to work through the issues...I emailed my counselor, I'm thinking about getting back into therapy and seeing if that will help any.

 

[Christos Anesti]

I just realized something else...the more I've been clean...the more I've eaten. I don't know how much weight I've gained in the past few months, but I know it's going up...and quickly. The fewer drugs I do, the food I eat. I can't stop.

Unfortunately that is very common. People who suffer from addiction often transfer one addictive behavior for another. The problem isn't drugs it's addiction. The good thing with the 12 step programs is they can help you to start making the changes and the "reprogramming" of your life and thinking that can help you defeat addictive behavior of all kinds. It's not easy and doesn't all fall into place at once but if you put a little effort in it you can make slow and steady progress. As much as people would like it to get better overnight it usually doesn't work that way. It's a whole new way of life and you have to walk before you run.

When I stopped using street drugs I went on a Methadone program. I put on a lot of weight. I couldn't get a get a good buzz anymore so at least I can eat a lot of sugary or fried comfort food to make up for it right! The only thing is my weight and the way I ate was probably almost as harmful to my health and longevity as the drugs I used to use. Since I started going to NA I've been able to get off methadone , gain ground on my food addiction, and was motivated to take up regular excessive and martial arts. I've lost 70 pounds so far.

If you can make it to at least one NA or AA meeting just ask some of the people there if they might be able to drive you to a few future meetings. I'm sure someone would be happy to help.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[TheMainException]

Thanks Christos Anesti. I went to an AA meeting tonight, my first one ever...really nice people, it was basically what I expected...almost too much what I expected, but man, yea...awesome people. I don't know if I'll go back.

 

[madison1101]

Hey, yea...I struggled with SI too when I was in high school...still have the scars from those days.

I just realized something else...the more I've been clean...the more I've eaten. I don't know how much weight I've gained in the past few months, but I know it's going up...and quickly. The fewer drugs I do, the food I eat. I can't stop.

This has NOTHING to do with drugs...it is about control. The SI was about control, the drugs were about control, the food is about control. What's really funny about the whole issue of control...is that I actually lose control. I lost weight when I was in europe because I was drinking so much that I stopped spending money on food...I spent more money on alcohol than I did for food.

When my life was spinning out of control, when I had no control over my parents fighting, my house burning to the ground, my pets dying, my depression, anxiety, my father's drinking...I had control over my physical person. It carried through. I stopped being depressed and anxious, but I still had no control over the pain my mom dealt with or the way my dad treated her. So...what was a fun time turned into a control issue which ended up as a lack of control. And food...well, that's always been an issue. It was the first substance I could control.

That leaves one more thing...I can exercise til I sweat blood. Basically, if I'm not stuck on something, I'm not alive. Stopping drinking or doing drugs isn't going to help me. I've found it terribly difficult to pray while burning my skin or eating poptarts that pack 200 calories per individual tart. But praying while doing drugs or drinking...man, that's always been the easiest thing. But I imagine praying while riding my bike around the world would be just as easy...guilt free addiction. I'll feel good too. I'm going to empty my room of food and eat as many veggies as possible in the cafe.

You might see this as a cop out...but I really don't think I can ever be NOT addicted to something unless I find a way to resolve the issues of my past. There's really no anger or resentment towards my dad anymore...we are equal in our pathetic-ness. I saw him drunk one night and realized...gosh...that's what I look like...that's how pathetic I am.

It sounds like you are making progress in your self-awareness and behaviors. That is good. There are many people who do transfer addictions. I was always food addicted/eating disordered, and then developed my chemical addiction in high school. When I first went to AA, 20 years ago, I started to gain weight again, and by 3 years ago, I needed gastric bypass surgery.

I would not disagree with your thoughts about control. I just want to add that I would do anything to not feel my emotions, and if it took cutting, eating, drugs, alcohol, sex, you name it, I did it. Hence, my relapse back into alcohol after my gastric bypass.

I was not working on my relationship with God, which I realized through going back to AA.

Hang in there.

Trish

 

[TheMainException]

Yea...I'm really trying to work on my relationship with Christ right now, no matter what, even little things, like just thinking about God for a second. I know even the little-est thing is not much, but it is better than nothing, so I do it. I am praying more, reading the Bible more and praying more and it is helping a lot...I'm happier, more care free. But I still am struggling. I keep learning more, and I know God is helping me. He explains a lot to me at night during my times listening to Him. I'm trying hard not to get all skeptic and start to think that it's just me talking back to myself...but he is doing things. Two weeks is a good amount of time to not do any substances. Not five years like the guy who talked last night at the meeting, but still good for someone who used to go an half a day before toking up again.

I keep trying to feel my emotions, but sometimes I feel as though I am hiding my own emotions from myself. I've tried meditating before and it is very hard for me...but Buddhism is something I think belongs more to Christianity. Meditation and focusing on the NOW of life is important, and I try to do that, but not often enough. I am very much so a now person and even so, I still end up focusing outside myself...my friend NiN wants to take me to a healing group...it's during my class tho, that meets only once a week...I'm going to go as soon as possible tho. He wants to go for inner healing, not physical and I want to do the same.

Trish, I REALLY appreciate you sharing...it helps me more than you know. I seem resistant, but you help me a lot...you make me look around and in myself and see what's really going on. Thank you so much