Hello there! Im new here, though Ive been following this particular forum for a few months now, ever since I discovered I had Pure-O OCD (Scrupulosity and a subset of ROCD, mostly). Ive learned a lot and have gotten great help from this site, but there are still a few questions that I have that no one seems to ask, so I finally decided to get an account myself. Ive been trying to get a handle on my OCD, and Im taking inositol, B vitamins, and fish oil to combat it, but its an uphill battle, and sometimes its just so hard to tell when something is OCD or a valid thought.
Take coincidences, for instance, or something that happens after you pray that youre not sure just WHAT went down or how to interpret it, or even if it was God answering me or it was just coincidence, or if He WAS talking to me and Im just hopelessly misconstruing it because of my illness.
See, I have a type of OCD that, the best I can figure, is a variety of ROCD, though its not about a specific PERSON, per se (though it has attacked my friendships in the past), but more of a hobby or subject that I immensely enjoy reading and writing about, and its actually the thing that the OCD attacks more than anything else, and the thing it targeted first, and it just keeps coming back to it. About half a year ago, I was talking with one of my friends about it (I did not know I had OCD at the time), and she suggested I just ask God straightforwardly what I should do, if I should get rid of it or not, and to open and close doors as He saw fit. I did so (and got a mental yes to the question of Should I get rid of this or not which freaked me the heck out, I can assure you, but Ive since figured that it was just the whole part and parcel of having OCD, since I heard voices regularly back then [almost never now], constantly telling me to get rid of stuff I liked and that God was displeased with me [and other certain things >_>], and extensive research about the subject of God speaking to people say that that is NOT how God speaks). About a week later, I suddenly lost my current job at the time with no warning, a weak, BS excuse for why they were letting me go, and no explanation when I tried to inquire further about if I had done anything displeasing in any way.
I was so incredibly scared and confused, trying desperately to puzzle out what this meant, DID it mean anything, did this mean God really was telling me to get rid of this thing, or was it about something totally unrelated? I was nearly in tears for the entire duration of the rest of the work day from nerves and confusion, and almost broke down on the bus ride home, but then the oddest thought spoke into my mind, saying something along the lines of This isnt about what you think it is, and peace flooded my aching, churning gut for a few moments, and I was able to hold back the tears til I got home.
After a long series of talks with multiple people who I trust, I came to the conclusion that no, this wasnt God telling me to get rid of the subject my prayer was about, but perhaps rather answering my prayer to just open and close the doors in my life as He saw fit, going for a different type of door than the one that was on my mind at the time (in fact, one person I talked to even called my angsting over this silly). But I still wonder sometimes (like now) about it, even if I dont think of that incident for weeks or even months on end and the OCD tries to think of another reason why I should get rid of that subject. And its weird, but a few months after that incident, I prayed the same prayer again, and BAM! suddenly it seems like my lifes overflowing with evidence that seems to say its okay for me to continue down that path, that Gods totally cool with it, that I didnt do anything wrong. Its just really inconsistent, is what Im saying.
Or other times, when unwanted thoughts used to pop into my mind when Im in pain from exercise, working, or menstrual cramps that If you want me to get rid of this, take away the pain and the pain subsides for a few moments, and I thoroughly freak out, since I didnt even want that thought in the first place. And then Id waste an hour or more trying it out on different inane subjects (i.e. If you want me to jump out the window, take away the pain. If you want me to never eat chicken again, take away the pain. If you want me to become an axe murderer take away the pain. etc), and then monitoring my bodys reaction to those thoughts, while interspersing the original thought among them, and then seeing what happens, and the reactions are all over the place for all thoughts, from no reaction, to decreased or no pain, to INTENSIFIED pain, and I just get more and more confused and frightened.
So I guess all this to say, does anyone have a way to see whether something is a sign from God or just coincidence, or if it IS a sign, to not completely bungle the message because of OCD? Does anyone know how to tell the difference and to not get confused and start angsting and ruminating, or to be happy and joyful about it, but then start doubting because of other things that seemed to indicate the opposite, but also seemed to be signs? Any help someone can give on this subject would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance (and I hope I wasnt too long-winded or incoherent ).
Aster
Take coincidences, for instance, or something that happens after you pray that youre not sure just WHAT went down or how to interpret it, or even if it was God answering me or it was just coincidence, or if He WAS talking to me and Im just hopelessly misconstruing it because of my illness.
See, I have a type of OCD that, the best I can figure, is a variety of ROCD, though its not about a specific PERSON, per se (though it has attacked my friendships in the past), but more of a hobby or subject that I immensely enjoy reading and writing about, and its actually the thing that the OCD attacks more than anything else, and the thing it targeted first, and it just keeps coming back to it. About half a year ago, I was talking with one of my friends about it (I did not know I had OCD at the time), and she suggested I just ask God straightforwardly what I should do, if I should get rid of it or not, and to open and close doors as He saw fit. I did so (and got a mental yes to the question of Should I get rid of this or not which freaked me the heck out, I can assure you, but Ive since figured that it was just the whole part and parcel of having OCD, since I heard voices regularly back then [almost never now], constantly telling me to get rid of stuff I liked and that God was displeased with me [and other certain things >_>], and extensive research about the subject of God speaking to people say that that is NOT how God speaks). About a week later, I suddenly lost my current job at the time with no warning, a weak, BS excuse for why they were letting me go, and no explanation when I tried to inquire further about if I had done anything displeasing in any way.
I was so incredibly scared and confused, trying desperately to puzzle out what this meant, DID it mean anything, did this mean God really was telling me to get rid of this thing, or was it about something totally unrelated? I was nearly in tears for the entire duration of the rest of the work day from nerves and confusion, and almost broke down on the bus ride home, but then the oddest thought spoke into my mind, saying something along the lines of This isnt about what you think it is, and peace flooded my aching, churning gut for a few moments, and I was able to hold back the tears til I got home.
After a long series of talks with multiple people who I trust, I came to the conclusion that no, this wasnt God telling me to get rid of the subject my prayer was about, but perhaps rather answering my prayer to just open and close the doors in my life as He saw fit, going for a different type of door than the one that was on my mind at the time (in fact, one person I talked to even called my angsting over this silly). But I still wonder sometimes (like now) about it, even if I dont think of that incident for weeks or even months on end and the OCD tries to think of another reason why I should get rid of that subject. And its weird, but a few months after that incident, I prayed the same prayer again, and BAM! suddenly it seems like my lifes overflowing with evidence that seems to say its okay for me to continue down that path, that Gods totally cool with it, that I didnt do anything wrong. Its just really inconsistent, is what Im saying.
Or other times, when unwanted thoughts used to pop into my mind when Im in pain from exercise, working, or menstrual cramps that If you want me to get rid of this, take away the pain and the pain subsides for a few moments, and I thoroughly freak out, since I didnt even want that thought in the first place. And then Id waste an hour or more trying it out on different inane subjects (i.e. If you want me to jump out the window, take away the pain. If you want me to never eat chicken again, take away the pain. If you want me to become an axe murderer take away the pain. etc), and then monitoring my bodys reaction to those thoughts, while interspersing the original thought among them, and then seeing what happens, and the reactions are all over the place for all thoughts, from no reaction, to decreased or no pain, to INTENSIFIED pain, and I just get more and more confused and frightened.
So I guess all this to say, does anyone have a way to see whether something is a sign from God or just coincidence, or if it IS a sign, to not completely bungle the message because of OCD? Does anyone know how to tell the difference and to not get confused and start angsting and ruminating, or to be happy and joyful about it, but then start doubting because of other things that seemed to indicate the opposite, but also seemed to be signs? Any help someone can give on this subject would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance (and I hope I wasnt too long-winded or incoherent ).
Aster