Hi there everyone.
This looks like a fairly slow moving forum, though I will post here and hope for some hellos from others like me. I am a twenty five year old wife and mother of two. My life has always been a bit of a challenge as I was born with vision problems. I didn't allow my disability to affect me directly whenever I could help it but my peers made life miserable for me up until I graduated high school because I was "different." I managed to cope with the pain of frequently feeling rejected with only some minor habits of self harm. I resolved myself to be kind to those who persecuted me, but never really learned how to stand up for myself and love myself up until only a year ago.
I met my future husband when I was fifteen and we married by age twenty. I did not know that the man I loved was sexually addicted and also suffered from bipolar until after I married him, though despite these trials we have seen eachother through a lot and are both trying really hard to be healthy. Unfortunately, trying to be really strong for those I love and not surrounding myself with more people who give back to me has really taken a lot out of me. I developed anorexia when I was twenty one and have really battled to keep myself from losing too much. I used to be really proud of my physical image but now I feel really embarassed by the way I look. Everyone notices and remarks about my weight. Still, the idea of gaining is really scary, the thought of losing is just as scary, and the need to carefully control my weight seems to rule supreme.
Up until several weeks ago, I was really proud to feel that I had almost half a year of sobriety and had even gotten to a point where I didn't HAVE to weigh myself every day. It is a lot harder for me to hang onto my sobriety when my husband is working really hard to be sober too and it is much harder for me to keep eating when he loses his sobriety. I also have a number of complicated food allergies which drastically limits the foods I am able to eat. This alone makes it hard to eat things with lots of carbs and I have to work really hard to prepare high fat, high protien, nutritional foods that I can actually eat. When I accidentally eat something that I am allergic to, I develop uncomfortable and sometimes life threatening reactions and I become frustrated by food, feeling like it's all poison! Lately I have really felt myself slipping in conjunction with hubby's lack of sobriety and accidentally eating a food I wasn't suppost to (gluten). I started to feel myself slip when I began replacing a balanced diet with lots of sugary, empty foods - without high protien it is impossible for me to hold my weight steady. Sometimes when I start really fixing on my weight I decide just not to replace the groceries I have already eaten, because having food easily available really helps to keep me sober. I really get frustrated with myself for setting myself up to fail by not buying enough food for me to eat.
Right now I feel that my weight is still acceptable but I worry about where my mind is going. The cupboards are getting bare and I feel a lot of resistance when I think about going to the store. I have been working really hard to stay clean because I usually experience a huge emotional crash around August and if that happens this year, I want to be as prepared to handle the second half of the year as best as possible and I'm not prepared right now. I'm trying to believe that the end of the summer and start of fall does not have to mean instability for me and that I have the power to surrender my need for control. Still I feel anxious about it.
I have been looking for anyone or any group who may be able to help me stay strong. I try to stay accountable to my therapist, but sometimes she is really busy. As far as I know, there are no groups for my issues in my area but I will continue looking. I am allergic to nearly every anti anxiety drug known to man so my options are really limited and the only ones I have found that work, also knock me out, which is not doable as I am the primary caregiver for two small children.
So there's my story. I think I just needed to type it out so that I could hear it and be honest with myself about where I am at. In so many ways, I feel that my life has gotten a lot better than what it once was and I am not often depressed - just anxious and lonely, but still the ED hangs around, waiting to pop up again. I feel a bit overwhelmed thinking this could be something I will have to fight for the rest of my life, though I sure hope not.
-Anna
This looks like a fairly slow moving forum, though I will post here and hope for some hellos from others like me. I am a twenty five year old wife and mother of two. My life has always been a bit of a challenge as I was born with vision problems. I didn't allow my disability to affect me directly whenever I could help it but my peers made life miserable for me up until I graduated high school because I was "different." I managed to cope with the pain of frequently feeling rejected with only some minor habits of self harm. I resolved myself to be kind to those who persecuted me, but never really learned how to stand up for myself and love myself up until only a year ago.
I met my future husband when I was fifteen and we married by age twenty. I did not know that the man I loved was sexually addicted and also suffered from bipolar until after I married him, though despite these trials we have seen eachother through a lot and are both trying really hard to be healthy. Unfortunately, trying to be really strong for those I love and not surrounding myself with more people who give back to me has really taken a lot out of me. I developed anorexia when I was twenty one and have really battled to keep myself from losing too much. I used to be really proud of my physical image but now I feel really embarassed by the way I look. Everyone notices and remarks about my weight. Still, the idea of gaining is really scary, the thought of losing is just as scary, and the need to carefully control my weight seems to rule supreme.
Up until several weeks ago, I was really proud to feel that I had almost half a year of sobriety and had even gotten to a point where I didn't HAVE to weigh myself every day. It is a lot harder for me to hang onto my sobriety when my husband is working really hard to be sober too and it is much harder for me to keep eating when he loses his sobriety. I also have a number of complicated food allergies which drastically limits the foods I am able to eat. This alone makes it hard to eat things with lots of carbs and I have to work really hard to prepare high fat, high protien, nutritional foods that I can actually eat. When I accidentally eat something that I am allergic to, I develop uncomfortable and sometimes life threatening reactions and I become frustrated by food, feeling like it's all poison! Lately I have really felt myself slipping in conjunction with hubby's lack of sobriety and accidentally eating a food I wasn't suppost to (gluten). I started to feel myself slip when I began replacing a balanced diet with lots of sugary, empty foods - without high protien it is impossible for me to hold my weight steady. Sometimes when I start really fixing on my weight I decide just not to replace the groceries I have already eaten, because having food easily available really helps to keep me sober. I really get frustrated with myself for setting myself up to fail by not buying enough food for me to eat.
Right now I feel that my weight is still acceptable but I worry about where my mind is going. The cupboards are getting bare and I feel a lot of resistance when I think about going to the store. I have been working really hard to stay clean because I usually experience a huge emotional crash around August and if that happens this year, I want to be as prepared to handle the second half of the year as best as possible and I'm not prepared right now. I'm trying to believe that the end of the summer and start of fall does not have to mean instability for me and that I have the power to surrender my need for control. Still I feel anxious about it.
I have been looking for anyone or any group who may be able to help me stay strong. I try to stay accountable to my therapist, but sometimes she is really busy. As far as I know, there are no groups for my issues in my area but I will continue looking. I am allergic to nearly every anti anxiety drug known to man so my options are really limited and the only ones I have found that work, also knock me out, which is not doable as I am the primary caregiver for two small children.
So there's my story. I think I just needed to type it out so that I could hear it and be honest with myself about where I am at. In so many ways, I feel that my life has gotten a lot better than what it once was and I am not often depressed - just anxious and lonely, but still the ED hangs around, waiting to pop up again. I feel a bit overwhelmed thinking this could be something I will have to fight for the rest of my life, though I sure hope not.
-Anna
Last edited:
You're right, it is a slow-moving forum; we don't have a whole lot of regular members, but at least the board is here.
