new here.....need support

[kandcmom]

Hello all, My name is Kathy. I am 42 years old and I just signed up for this group to get some support from those who know what I'm going through. I have had OCD -Pure OCD for 12 years since after the birth of my first daughter. I suffer from the harmful thoughts and images of hurting my children...which I would never do. I then feel great remorse and guilt for thinking such terrible things. I am on meds .... Zoloft 50mg a day and Ativan as needed for panic. I usually do very well but I had surgery on my wrist 3 weeks ago and have be in a pit of anxiety ever since. It's like once you start having panic attacks they just multiply till you get control again. I hate this disease. I have a very supportive husband and 2 great daughters now ages 15 and 8 but I am petrified to be alone with them incase I go crazy which when I am paniced it feels like I'm going crazy. I tell myself I'll leave them all before I would hurt them but that doesn't really help. I just so frustrated because I usually have pretty good control and function well but the last couple weeks have been like torture. I am also a Christian and I try to rely on my faith also. Well, just my feelings in a short story. I hoped sharing would help me recover. I would love to hear from anyone who understands.

Thanks, Kathy​

 

[QUannie]

welcome Kathy.....
i am glad your here!

Q

 

[kaykay9.0]

Welcome Kathy. I don't know if hearing me say this helps at all, I'm no professional, but I've researched OCD in general quite a bit. Your fear, as u probably already know is a very common manifestation of OCD. People with this, according to those who are experts, say that they will never harm their children. It's just the fear that torments you. Are you getting some counseling along with the meds? Praying for you, Kathy! You will find people here who do understand the torment of OCD.

 

[dabro]

Welcome Kathy, I hope you find what you are looking for here. I to am on zoloft but I take 200mg of zoloft and I did take valium for anxiety tell they stoped working. It's very true you will never act on them. and you really can't runaway from it either. I'm in my infancy with my conquereing my ocd but i would recommend you ask your doc to maybe up the dosage I'm no doctor but I know what helped me. So try to allow the thoughts to come in and try not to counter your thoughts with something that proves your obsession wrong just try to ignore thats why i suggested uping your dosage because 50mg is'nt very much. and how long have you been taking this zoloft for are they slowly gradually bumping you up jusr curious...

 

[Jayangel81]

I used to have alot of harmful thoughts, started with my family and than moved on to normal people I would see at work and so forth.

The first thing you need to come to a realization Kathy is, than you would never hurt them, no matter what the thoughts tell you, believe in your heart that you will not, and trust that the Lord knows your heart.

You wrote:

I then feel great remorse and guilt for thinking such terrible things.

I really need for you to understand the importance of letting this guilt and remorse go, it will eat at you and will make things worse. I would tell you to forgive yourself but I cannot, these are not your thoughts, please understand.

I am also a Christian and I try to rely on my faith also

And you can expect that they will be put to the test especially if you like many others on here, have a bad tendancy of looking to their feelings.

Keep relying on your Faith and trust in the Lord.

Someone asked you if you are seeing a doctor I think Kay did, I am also wondering if you are seeing your Pastor about this or Christian Counseling??

I have a very supportive husband and 2 great daughters now ages 15 and 8 but I am petrified to be alone with them incase I go crazy which when I am paniced it feels like I'm going crazy

I am so happy that you have a supportive family. If you walk around with your family petrified, you are going to induce these thoughts purely out of fear. Do not be afraid, and I know that is so much easier to say, There are some people who do exposure and response therapy for coping, before you can do anything you need to believe that this is not you, and this is not what you want. Many people who endure this, there is a point in it where they are decieved in believing "what if this is me" "What if this is what I want"

I went through it, alot of us still do. So it is important that you realize this is not what you want, and that you trust the Lord knows this.

I am happy the Lord, has brought you here for support. This sub-forum is only but a few of us, but we all support each other. Kind of like a small family

Blessings,

James~

 

[kandcmom]

Just wanted to thank everyone for their support. I am going to the doctor today about my meds and i have been to counceling many times. I know in my heart that these are just thoughts but sometimes the images in my head seem so real but I know that doesn't mean they will happen it's just that the anxiety gets so bad I feel like I am losing my mind and control. I have had ocd for a long time and I, like everyone, have had ups and downs. I usually go for awhile just fine the BO OM I crash for whatever reason (stress, illness, hormones) and when I crash I crash hard. I know all the right answers when I'm thinking straight but when I'm am in a state of panic I can't even think. I feel very disconnected from what's around me. Thank you all again for your help. Pray that the doctor will help me get my meds adjusted. I know that will help. Keep me in your prayers and I will keep you in mine.
Thanks again, Kathy

 

[gracealone]

HI Kathy,
I went through that same horror of possibly harming my children 27 years ago. I also had severe panic disorder. The combination of feeling like you're going crazy with the panic attacks and then having the horrible instrusive thoughts and images about harming your precious children was exactly what I went through too. Only I didn't know it was OCD. I didn't even know what panic disorder was for a very long time. So I did the wrong thing. I fought and argued with the thoughts endlessly. The result of this was that my OCD literally took over my every waking minute.
Now I know that this experience was a very common manifestation of my disorder. Now I know that it's right and good to take the risk of just letting the thoughts be there without attending to them in any way. I've learned how to respond to these types of OCD thoughts by not responding to them. Wish I'd known all that 27 years ago.
My children are all grown and have children of their own. Last night my daughter shared with me that she was having scary thoughts of harming her children. She knew it was likely OCD, but that doesn't remove the feeling of intense anxiety. She's working on learning to ignore the thoughts and I'm grateful for the opportunity to offer her encouragement from going through this myself.
It helps to know you're not alone, or a horrible deviant person. It's just that misfiring in the anxiety center of your brain that's making this so hard to endure.
I admire your courage in expressing your struggles in such a transparent way. Welcome to the forum! I hope you'll keep all of us informed as to how you are doing so we can hold you up in prayer.
God Bless,
Mitzi

Just wanted to thank everyone for their support. I am going to the doctor today about my meds and i have been to counceling many times. I know in my heart that these are just thoughts but sometimes the images in my head seem so real but I know that doesn't mean they will happen it's just that the anxiety gets so bad I feel like I am losing my mind and control. I have had ocd for a long time and I, like everyone, have had ups and downs. I usually go for awhile just fine the BO OM I crash for whatever reason (stress, illness, hormones) and when I crash I crash hard. I know all the right answers when I'm thinking straight but when I'm am in a state of panic I can't even think. I feel very disconnected from what's around me. Thank you all again for your help. Pray that the doctor will help me get my meds adjusted. I know that will help. Keep me in your prayers and I will keep you in mine.
Thanks again, Kathy

 

[kandcmom]

Dear Gracealone,

Thanks you so much for sharing your story with me. It helps to know I'm not alone. I'm really having a bad time right now and to top it off my 8 yr old daughter got admitted to the hospital yesterday for an upper respiratory infection and so now I'm really in panic mode and my thoughts have been just awful while I try to take care of her in the hospital. I feel like my nerves are just shot. Keep me and my family in your prayers please,
Thanks, again Kathy

 

[gracealone]

Oh Kathy,
I'm so sorry to hear that! I'll certainly lift you and your little one up to our Lord. All this extreme stress really exacerbates your condition. Please, when she gets out of the hospital make it a priority to seek some help for yourself. I'll be praying that God will direct you to just the right Dr. who can help you to manage your OCD.
I really empathize with you right now. I know you're in tremendous mental pain. Trust me, you'll make it through. God's grace will bring you out of this and "set you up and place your feet upon a firm foundation."
This too shall pass.
Keep in touch.
Mitzi

Dear Gracealone,

Thanks you so much for sharing your story with me. It helps to know I'm not alone. I'm really having a bad time right now and to top it off my 8 yr old daughter got admitted to the hospital yesterday for an upper respiratory infection and so now I'm really in panic mode and my thoughts have been just awful while I try to take care of her in the hospital. I feel like my nerves are just shot. Keep me and my family in your prayers please,
Thanks, again Kathy