Never Smile at a Crocodile & Other Safety Tips

[Occams Barber]

Never Smile at a Crocodile & Other Safety Tips

As someone who has an intense concern for public safety I have made it my life’s work to inform potential tourists of the probability that you will die if you visit Australia. Since it’s been at least a year since I last published an Australian Safety Advisory on CF, I thought it was timely to remind you all of the dangers.

As you probably know we have an abundance of venomous snakes, poisonous spiders (we just discovered 50 new varieties!), sharks, killer jellyfish, flesh eating goannas, feral pigs, camels and buffalo, dingos, kangaroos capable of ripping-your-guts out, stingers, stingrays, irritating emu’s and the more dangerous cassowaries plus cone fish, stone fish and deadly Blue Ringed octopuses. Virtually all of Australia is hot and most of it is desert. Death from heat exhaustion, dehydration or evaporation is so common here that locals carry a water supply on the trip between the front door and the letter box. Pounding surf, beach rips and undertows also add their bit to the annual tourist cull.

And then there are the crocodiles…

In Australia saltwater crocodiles are protected (unlike tourists who are generally regarded as fair game) and come in two sizes – big and bigger. Croc numbers are going up and they’ve increasingly been found infiltrating local swimming holes, turning up in someone’s front yard, snacking on the family dog or just lounging on the beach. Last year we even had one cruising up river lovingly dragging the corpse of a cow recently snatched from the river bank.

Now… you may think this croctalk is all hyperbolic nonsense designed to frighten the bejabbers out of gullible tourists. Not so. Clicking on this link will take you to an article about crocodiles on the Daly River in the Northern Territory. Halfway down you’ll find a video which is the stuff of nightmares. Filmed from a drone, the video shows more than 50 crocs lining the river bank sunbaking in the mud. That’s 50 crocs you can see – there will be many more lounging around under the water.

So, now you’re warned, my work here is done. If you’re still silly enough to come on a visit to the Lucky Country, please stay safe, and remember;

♬♩ Never smile at a crocodile
No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile
Don't be taken in by his welcome grin
He's imagining how well you'd fit within his skin ♫♪​

OB

 

[timewerx]

I hate their big huntsman spiders even more than giant crocodiles.

These spiders kill by jumping to your face, hands, lap, or simply by appearing near your face at the worst possible moment - while driving!

Scary huntsman spider puts Australian man in lake


.

 

[Occams Barber]

I hate their big huntsman spiders even more than giant crocodiles.

These spiders kill by jumping to your face, hands, lap, or simply by appearing near your face at the worst possible moment - while driving!

Scary huntsman spider puts Australian man in lake


.

I know.

Some of these spiders will wait until your car is doing a minimum of 80 km/hr (50 mph) before jumping on your face. This is a well known spider technique for ensuring maximum damage to the scaredy cat driver.
OB

 

[Goonie]

Never Smile at a Crocodile & Other Safety Tips

As someone who has an intense concern for public safety I have made it my life’s work to inform potential tourists of the probability that you will die if you visit Australia. Since it’s been at least a year since I last published an Australian Safety Advisory on CF, I thought it was timely to remind you all of the dangers.

As you probably know we have an abundance of venomous snakes, poisonous spiders (we just discovered 50 new varieties!), sharks, killer jellyfish, flesh eating goannas, feral pigs, camels and buffalo, dingos, kangaroos capable of ripping-your-guts out, stingers, stingrays, irritating emu’s and the more dangerous cassowaries plus cone fish, stone fish and deadly Blue Ringed octopuses. Virtually all of Australia is hot and most of it is desert. Death from heat exhaustion, dehydration or evaporation is so common here that locals carry a water supply on the trip between the front door and the letter box. Pounding surf, beach rips and undertows also add their bit to the annual tourist cull.

And then there are the crocodiles…

In Australia saltwater crocodiles are protected (unlike tourists who are generally regarded as fair game) and come in two sizes – big and bigger. Croc numbers are going up and they’ve increasingly been found infiltrating local swimming holes, turning up in someone’s front yard, snacking on the family dog or just lounging on the beach. Last year we even had one cruising up river lovingly dragging the corpse of a cow recently snatched from the river bank.

Now… you may think this croctalk is all hyperbolic nonsense designed to frighten the bejabbers out of gullible tourists. Not so. Clicking on this link will take you to an article about crocodiles on the Daly River in the Northern Territory. Halfway down you’ll find a video which is the stuff of nightmares. Filmed from a drone, the video shows more than 50 crocs lining the river bank sunbaking in the mud. That’s 50 crocs you can see – there will be many more lounging around under the water.

So, now you’re warned, my work here is done. If you’re still silly enough to come on a visit to the Lucky Country, please stay safe, and remember;

♬♩ Never smile at a crocodile
No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile
Don't be taken in by his welcome grin
He's imagining how well you'd fit within his skin ♫♪​

OB

So what your saying is don’t smile at Donald.

 

[Noxot]

this might seem kind of cruel but if crocodiles don't have a very great purpose ( as in useful to humanity) then why would humans let the threat exist in large numbers? or do they do something like keep the rodent population down?

some people have argued that once we get good enough with genetic manipulation that we can start wiping out things like harmful diseases and mosquitoes. some argue that even mosquitoes serve a use and destroying them might lead to unknown consequences.

and what is the harm in destroying one dangerous spider species that are a threat to humans? others can replace their role.

but if humans can effectively replace crocodiles then why don't we just get rid of them or reduce their numbers a great deal? survival of the fittest and all that.

 

[Occams Barber]

this might seem kind of cruel but if crocodiles don't have a very great purpose ( as in useful to humanity) then why would humans let the threat exist in large numbers? or do they do something like keep the rodent population down?

some people have argued that once we get good enough with genetic manipulation that we can start wiping out things like harmful diseases and mosquitoes. some argue that even mosquitoes serve a use and destroying them might lead to unknown consequences.

and what is the harm in destroying one dangerous spider species that are a threat to humans? others can replace their role.

but if humans can effectively replace crocodiles then why don't we just get rid of them or reduce their numbers a great deal? survival of the fittest and all that.

Firstly: Crocodiles have a place in the environment at the top of the food chain. Removing them would create a chain reaction of ungood environmental impacts

Secondly: Crocodiles attract tourists and their $$$$$$.

Thirdly. When Secondly works too well, crocodiles have proven to be invaluable as a means of reducing tourist numbers.

Finally - we shouldn't just value things based on their usefulness to us.

On the genetic thing - we are currently developing a genetic modification which will produce crocs with foam rubber teeth - watch this space.
OB
EDIT: They also make great handbags.

 

[Darkhorse]

Other tips:

Never kick a horse, mule, or donkey; they're better at it than you are.

Never make faces at a bulldog; they have a big headstart.

 

[Note]

I have no problem taking out a bear or crocodile in a wrestling match. I have been waiting for my chance for decades, even as I spent my life camping in the woods of Maine and New Hampshire (USA) waiting for a bear to come around some night.
Now things with more than four legs, I may have an issue wanting to touch. Bloody insects... heebie jeebies

 

[JCFantasy23]

this might seem kind of cruel but if crocodiles don't have a very great purpose ( as in useful to humanity) then why would humans let the threat exist in large numbers? or do they do something like keep the rodent population down?

Alligators and Crocodiles are useful on keeping the balance of the water ecosystem in their areas. As one of the main things, Alligators in the Everglades create holes that save birds, insects, turtles, fish etc. during the dry spells in the weather here in Florida. Not that everything is about humans, but if you looked at this as only the way humans are impacted, that sort of imbalance caused would create greater hardship for people as the animal and insect population of the areas would suddenly go haywire and the river and lake systems would become "ill".

 

[Bob Crowley]

Never mind the crocodiles - they're only a problem if you go swimming or fishing in croc infested rivers and creeks.

It's the drop bears the tourists need to watch out for.

Drop bears target tourists, study says

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

My son was playing with various toys, sequestering certain animals in the demarcated "sea", such as fish and dolphins, like a demiurge.
He put a crocodile there and my wife corrected him:

"They live in rivers and freshwater".

"Not in Australia", I said.

Even relatively normal animals have to go all funny over there.

 

[Occams Barber]

My son was playing with various toys, sequestering certain animals in the demarcated "sea", such as fish and dolphins, like a demiurge.
He put a crocodile there and my wife corrected him:

"They live in rivers and freshwater".

"Not in Australia", I said.

Even relatively normal animals have to go all funny over there.

Your wife and son were both correct. We have two kinds of crocs- saltwater and freshwater. 'Salties' (the biggies) are often found swimming at sea. They usually inhabit estuaries, will follow the tide upriver and can actually live in freshwater beyond the tidal limit.

Their smaller cousins (the 'freshies') are confined to freshwater, inland waterways and are not seen as particularly dangerous. Since dangers are relative, people will happily swim in creeks and billabongs inhabited by freshies and live to tell the tale (I've done it). Only tourists or drunks are stupid enough to walk into salty inhabited water (yes - I've done that too).

BTW: Congrats. I hear you've recently added to the clan.
OB

 

[Rion]