- Mar 21, 2007
- 162
- 11
- 39
- Faith
- Catholic
- Marital Status
- In Relationship
- Politics
- US-Republican
Of course, our testimonies never end. Here is mine up to now:
Born at 28 weeks in November, 1985. Had many health problems, and had to have open heart surgery at two days old. Not expected to live, but I did. Was in the hospital for four months. Went home to parent's who didn't want me. Physically abused until my maternal grandparents found out and adopted me at age five. Had two eye surgeries that same year for having a detached retina. Afterwards, was raised in a Christian, Baptist, home. Accepted Christ into my life in 1992, was baptized in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit in 1993. I loved church and was growing up to be a great force of Christian love and a wonderful testimony for God. The powers of evil did not like this though.
June 8th, 1999. The 15 yr old guy I had a crush on at church found out and this day is when I had my first kiss. After that wonderful moment, my life changed forever. I won't go into details, but this guy and the youth pastor, who was also the pastor's son, was there as well and they pressured me into doing things I didn't want to do. What I did do I only did to get out of doing worse they tried to talk me into. Saying no meant nothing to these guys. This was the beginning of two years of sexual abuse by the youth pastor, 6 years my senior. Evil won. I was in despair and all my childlike faith and immense love for God's house was replaced by fear and hatred. I turned my back on God. I was ashamed and felt it was all my fault, when I wasn't blaming myself I was blaming God. I was 13 and hurting, so I suppose thats normal. I began cutting myself to deal with my inner pain, and attempted suicide several times. At 15, I had no choice but to get a ride home from a church function by the youth pastor and another guy, who was 18. They went farther then ever before...and then gave me ten bucks to keep quiet. I said no at least twenty times before giving in. They weren't going to take me home until I let them do what they wanted! Yet, it was my fault I guess. I tried telling my mom what was going on, but after saying nothing for so long I guess it didn't all come out right. After being accused of wanting it all to happen and being blamed by everyone(pastor especially), we left the church. All the while my family lecturing me and blaming me, because they thought I had wanted it all to happen. And as my mother says it was my fault because I "knew better" then to let it happen. I never get counseling and feel like I can't talk about ti since every time I try to I get shut down or lectured again. I continued cutting and stay severely depressed, it gets worse and I regretted telling. Grateful to be free from it, but now I must live with getting blamed from my family and looked down upon for the rest of my life.
Sophomore year of high school, I begin dating. Hating men completely by now, I have no respect for myself or anyone else. My first date ever is on Feb 1st, 2002(I'm weird about remembering exact dates). This night, the last of my innocence is lost to a 16 yr old heroine addict. I did it to punish myself more, and because I no longer cared about virginity. It didn't matter, I felt so alone.
A month later, I begin dating that guys best friend. For the next two years I am completely high on marijuana most every day. I throw myself into the drug and fornication to try to find happiness somewhere. I find only more despair, as I am mentally/verbally/physically/sexually abused by my boyfriend and made to feel even more worthless as a person. I, to this day, can't remember my junior year of high school. Not sure if its from the drugs or the abuse. I don't know
I was merely a shell of a person. I dump him the end of senior year(was terrified but did it somehow) and go to the college that is farthest from home as possible.
Sophomore year of college, I mentally break down. Freshman year, was fine due to the relief of being so far from my abusers an thinking life would be fine from now on. After years of pretending to be okay, I just can't anymore. I begin counseling. My mother flips and blames me for my past completely, making me realize for the first time that my family never knew I had said no every time during my sexual abuse, never knowing of my abusive relationship. Even after I told them though, I was still blamed. Still am. Which only alienated me from my family since I have a sister who was raped, and a niece who was sexually molested and they have never been ridiculed or blamed for what happened to them. They were given counseling and support and love. I have never gotten any of that. I don't know why. But it hurts.
Jan 14th 2006 I voluntarily enter the psych ward of the local hospital. Diagnosed with: depression,anxiety,ptsd,and borderline. In the week I'm there, I get visited most every day by not only my friends, but by various parishioners of the local Methodist church. Including the pastor, twice. I had went there a few times and joined their choir. But I still couldn't figure out why they kept coming to see me, when my own family wouldn't drive up to see me when I most needed them(though they were 5 hours away so I kinda understand)
I leave the hospital in a week. I hope to be better, but only get worse. Get on meds, but I am certain they don't work and go off them cold turkey. Become severely suicidal and live in fear of other people. I never leave my room and waste away. Flunk out the semester. Break up with the guy I was seeing because he gave up on me completely and expected me to do only what he wanted me to do in life, and decide to transfer to a school where I have friends. friends from high school. The ones who still liked me even when I was on drugs and not myself. In doing so, I decide to tell one of my best guy friends how I've always liked him. What do I have to lose? With everything I've been through, relationship issues don't phase me.
We begin dating March 29th, 2006. My healing begins.
Instead of focusing on my depression and my past, I begin arguing religion with my new, Catholic, boyfriend. I pray a lot for God to show me His Truth and try as hard as I can to refute the denomination I was raised with.
Though depression still grips me, I am way to concerned with studying Catholicism, to find error, than with my mental health.
I find God has not left me. He loves me, no matter how much I don't think He should. He forgives me, even though I do not deserve it. Its like discovering Him all over again. He wraps His arms around me and guides me in my studies. All summer I study Catholic teaching and finally find what my heart and soul has been lacking for so long. Once I understand the Churches teachings and realize the myths I was taught to believe are all wrong, I fully accept the teachings at truth and begin practicing Catholicism.
Unfortunately, my academic studies are still not too great. I go to counseling again, where that therapist echoes the thoughts of my last one where they think I'm bipolar. Lose my medical insurance on my 21st birthday, so unable to continue to meet with a doctor. My first semester at my new school, I flunk out again. I'm kicked out and have a very rough December at home. Try to gain strength from my new faith, but since I had to leave the RCIA class I had entered due to the parish teaching very wrong, I will not and was not confirmed at Easter and thats depressing as well. My family is even farther from me in love as I make my conversion, but I no longer care. God is my Father and doing His will is what matters.
Now, taking online classes from a community college and trying to get through school. Still battling myself, but now I am not alone. I have re-discovered God. Every Mass the Holy Spirit surrounds me with such force and love I weep deeply. People may look with wonder and such, but I don't care. I still feel so ashamed and sad, so unworthy, feeling God brings me agony in feeling so unworthy of Him. but it is beautiful agony. Agony I know will turn into immense joy once I am confirmed and able to receive the Eucharist and continue to grow every day in God's love. I am trying my best to continue growing. I am 21 now, and I am a child of God. He has guided me through all the rough times. He has never left me and never will. He forgives me for my past, and will never stop loving me. He has been with me since my conception, and always will be. I will do my best to do His will and follow Him and Him alone for the rest of my life. Evil may try to take me from Him again, but they will fail.
I am a survivor. God knew what he was doing when He made me, and my strength is all from Him.
Thank You so much Lord for Your love and mercy. My Journey will never lead to anything but You.
</IMG>
Born at 28 weeks in November, 1985. Had many health problems, and had to have open heart surgery at two days old. Not expected to live, but I did. Was in the hospital for four months. Went home to parent's who didn't want me. Physically abused until my maternal grandparents found out and adopted me at age five. Had two eye surgeries that same year for having a detached retina. Afterwards, was raised in a Christian, Baptist, home. Accepted Christ into my life in 1992, was baptized in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit in 1993. I loved church and was growing up to be a great force of Christian love and a wonderful testimony for God. The powers of evil did not like this though.
June 8th, 1999. The 15 yr old guy I had a crush on at church found out and this day is when I had my first kiss. After that wonderful moment, my life changed forever. I won't go into details, but this guy and the youth pastor, who was also the pastor's son, was there as well and they pressured me into doing things I didn't want to do. What I did do I only did to get out of doing worse they tried to talk me into. Saying no meant nothing to these guys. This was the beginning of two years of sexual abuse by the youth pastor, 6 years my senior. Evil won. I was in despair and all my childlike faith and immense love for God's house was replaced by fear and hatred. I turned my back on God. I was ashamed and felt it was all my fault, when I wasn't blaming myself I was blaming God. I was 13 and hurting, so I suppose thats normal. I began cutting myself to deal with my inner pain, and attempted suicide several times. At 15, I had no choice but to get a ride home from a church function by the youth pastor and another guy, who was 18. They went farther then ever before...and then gave me ten bucks to keep quiet. I said no at least twenty times before giving in. They weren't going to take me home until I let them do what they wanted! Yet, it was my fault I guess. I tried telling my mom what was going on, but after saying nothing for so long I guess it didn't all come out right. After being accused of wanting it all to happen and being blamed by everyone(pastor especially), we left the church. All the while my family lecturing me and blaming me, because they thought I had wanted it all to happen. And as my mother says it was my fault because I "knew better" then to let it happen. I never get counseling and feel like I can't talk about ti since every time I try to I get shut down or lectured again. I continued cutting and stay severely depressed, it gets worse and I regretted telling. Grateful to be free from it, but now I must live with getting blamed from my family and looked down upon for the rest of my life.
Sophomore year of high school, I begin dating. Hating men completely by now, I have no respect for myself or anyone else. My first date ever is on Feb 1st, 2002(I'm weird about remembering exact dates). This night, the last of my innocence is lost to a 16 yr old heroine addict. I did it to punish myself more, and because I no longer cared about virginity. It didn't matter, I felt so alone.
A month later, I begin dating that guys best friend. For the next two years I am completely high on marijuana most every day. I throw myself into the drug and fornication to try to find happiness somewhere. I find only more despair, as I am mentally/verbally/physically/sexually abused by my boyfriend and made to feel even more worthless as a person. I, to this day, can't remember my junior year of high school. Not sure if its from the drugs or the abuse. I don't know
I was merely a shell of a person. I dump him the end of senior year(was terrified but did it somehow) and go to the college that is farthest from home as possible. Sophomore year of college, I mentally break down. Freshman year, was fine due to the relief of being so far from my abusers an thinking life would be fine from now on. After years of pretending to be okay, I just can't anymore. I begin counseling. My mother flips and blames me for my past completely, making me realize for the first time that my family never knew I had said no every time during my sexual abuse, never knowing of my abusive relationship. Even after I told them though, I was still blamed. Still am. Which only alienated me from my family since I have a sister who was raped, and a niece who was sexually molested and they have never been ridiculed or blamed for what happened to them. They were given counseling and support and love. I have never gotten any of that. I don't know why. But it hurts.
Jan 14th 2006 I voluntarily enter the psych ward of the local hospital. Diagnosed with: depression,anxiety,ptsd,and borderline. In the week I'm there, I get visited most every day by not only my friends, but by various parishioners of the local Methodist church. Including the pastor, twice. I had went there a few times and joined their choir. But I still couldn't figure out why they kept coming to see me, when my own family wouldn't drive up to see me when I most needed them(though they were 5 hours away so I kinda understand)
I leave the hospital in a week. I hope to be better, but only get worse. Get on meds, but I am certain they don't work and go off them cold turkey. Become severely suicidal and live in fear of other people. I never leave my room and waste away. Flunk out the semester. Break up with the guy I was seeing because he gave up on me completely and expected me to do only what he wanted me to do in life, and decide to transfer to a school where I have friends. friends from high school. The ones who still liked me even when I was on drugs and not myself. In doing so, I decide to tell one of my best guy friends how I've always liked him. What do I have to lose? With everything I've been through, relationship issues don't phase me.
We begin dating March 29th, 2006. My healing begins.
Instead of focusing on my depression and my past, I begin arguing religion with my new, Catholic, boyfriend. I pray a lot for God to show me His Truth and try as hard as I can to refute the denomination I was raised with.
Though depression still grips me, I am way to concerned with studying Catholicism, to find error, than with my mental health.
I find God has not left me. He loves me, no matter how much I don't think He should. He forgives me, even though I do not deserve it. Its like discovering Him all over again. He wraps His arms around me and guides me in my studies. All summer I study Catholic teaching and finally find what my heart and soul has been lacking for so long. Once I understand the Churches teachings and realize the myths I was taught to believe are all wrong, I fully accept the teachings at truth and begin practicing Catholicism.
Unfortunately, my academic studies are still not too great. I go to counseling again, where that therapist echoes the thoughts of my last one where they think I'm bipolar. Lose my medical insurance on my 21st birthday, so unable to continue to meet with a doctor. My first semester at my new school, I flunk out again. I'm kicked out and have a very rough December at home. Try to gain strength from my new faith, but since I had to leave the RCIA class I had entered due to the parish teaching very wrong, I will not and was not confirmed at Easter and thats depressing as well. My family is even farther from me in love as I make my conversion, but I no longer care. God is my Father and doing His will is what matters.
Now, taking online classes from a community college and trying to get through school. Still battling myself, but now I am not alone. I have re-discovered God. Every Mass the Holy Spirit surrounds me with such force and love I weep deeply. People may look with wonder and such, but I don't care. I still feel so ashamed and sad, so unworthy, feeling God brings me agony in feeling so unworthy of Him. but it is beautiful agony. Agony I know will turn into immense joy once I am confirmed and able to receive the Eucharist and continue to grow every day in God's love. I am trying my best to continue growing. I am 21 now, and I am a child of God. He has guided me through all the rough times. He has never left me and never will. He forgives me for my past, and will never stop loving me. He has been with me since my conception, and always will be. I will do my best to do His will and follow Him and Him alone for the rest of my life. Evil may try to take me from Him again, but they will fail.
I am a survivor. God knew what he was doing when He made me, and my strength is all from Him.
Thank You so much Lord for Your love and mercy. My Journey will never lead to anything but You.
</IMG>
