Needing change, and not knowing exactly where to go. (addiction, weak faith)

[mikenet2006]

Right now I just need to vent, perhaps someone here has experienced something similar in terms of feeling lost.

My life has always been a struggle to find my place and after ending a relationship that helped keep me focused, I once again don't know exactly where to go, or what to do. The relationship was probably not a healthy one but it gave me some desire to fight for something, and change.

I feel like Im back to square one, perhaps the biggest difference in the last few years is that I want to have peace of mind, spiritual beliefs, and a normal healthy life.

Im currently going to a 12 step program for addiction and have a couple weeks sober which is a first, Im also pouring some of my efforts into schooling but feeling good for the progress I have made is a struggle, Im overwhelmed and still generally feel bad, I still have trouble with loving myself, and while I do believe in God now and pray, I don't yet know what form my beliefs are taking. It's hard to turn my will and life over to God, like they say in the group, when I still don't know exactly what I believe.

If Christianity is the answer, some other religion, or if it even matters.

I feel the warmth from those who have strong faith, and want to feel it. I know that much but Im increadibly overwhelmed with the idea of taking on too much too fast, or whether or not I can pick a healthy path for myself, it took years just to get to the point where I'm sleeping normally.

I guess, in short, I'm at a loss of what direction I should go and find what really moves me spiritually and in my life. Praying is only giving me temporary relief now and then. The biggest things I have going for me is that I'm generally honest about my problems and at least try to treat people well.

 

[NumberOfStars]

Well done for going a couple of weeks sober.
It sounds like you're close to making a decision about God. He loves you so much and wants you to invite him into your life completely. It's an important decision, and one you won't regret if you choose to accept him.

 

[sidelia]

Read the bible every day, our minds need to be spiritually fed, prayer is good but there is more to paying, try and develop a relationship with god. Love him unconditionally. I downloaded a daily devotional to my phone so every morning and night i read a scripture.

 

[mikenet2006]

I spent most of the last 10 years hating God. So much pain in the world and so many sad endings. It was an unhealthy way to think, I believe I'm coming to understand that a little better but I still feel like I'm holding back. People get use to a certain way of thinking and living, much like you said sidelia.

Change is so incredibly difficult and I feel so much weight on my shoulders. I feel like I will get better and God will save me but I wonder how much time he'll give me after I accept him fully. For many people it comes on their death bed, for others not at all. I ask myself how long I will take, and how much time I'll have for a decent life after.

30 years old and I feel I haven't lived most of it. Me and my ex had the potential to live better than we were, it just didn't happen.

 

[NumberOfStars]

what do you mean how much time he'll give you after you accept him? do you mean until death?

 

[sidelia]

Stop being so down on your self, don't worry so much about time and age, just live and love life, you already started the change just continue your change and everything will slowly fall into place, i know from my past experience...of course now i have to work on my life all over again. Things happen and its up to us to stay positive and keep pushing foward. Im 32 with crazy problems but i have to give it all to god because i cannot do this on my own.

 

[mikenet2006]

I'll try sidelia

NumberofStars, I did mean until death. I tend to be a compulsive worrier, even with things that are beyond my control. I just do want a great deal of time to live and pray that God sticks with me.

 

[NumberOfStars]

I think the reason for some people it's on their death bed is because it's taken their whole life to realise they need God- whether it be because they wanted to live a sinful life and not submit to God, or because they were scared to die without accepting him. I think God gives people many chances to turn to him- He already knows when each of us will die and doesn't want us to spend eternity separated from him.
The thing is, WE don't know when we will die. It could be very sudden and unexpected, and if that's the case you may not have time to accept him before you are suddenly standing before him for judgement.
Don't put off this decision thinking you have all the time in the world.
I pray that you accept him into your life.

 

[sidelia]

Well said numberofstars

 

[If Not For Grace]

Im currently going to a 12 step program for addiction and have a couple weeks sober which is a first, Im also pouring some of my efforts into schooling but feeling good for the progress I have made is a struggle, Im overwhelmed and still generally feel bad, I still have trouble with loving myself, and while I do believe in God now and pray, I don't yet know what form my beliefs are taking. It's hard to turn my will and life over to God, like they say in the group, when I still don't know exactly what I believe.

Come Visit with us at the 12-step threads and maybe we can get more into Steps 2/3.

It sounds like you have made some good/positive changes. Time does take Time and God will provide the time you need or the change in time, no need to worry about time at all.

We must first be healthy ourselves BF we are properly equipped to deal with or be in a healthy relationship. The 12 steps are a process, it's not 1,2,3,4,5, as fast as you can read em. Each one (and especially #1) takes time. Just like soberity..One is not sober the moment they abstain from a substance...just "dry". It took time to develop the addiction and it takes longer to achieve soberity.

It sounds like you are just where you need to be. Join an on-line group to supplement your F2F meetings. Keep it simple and keep your focus on the positive ..For as a man thinks so is he.

 

[mikenet2006]

I'll give it a try (If Not For Grace) anything to help. A few days back I admitted myself to an inpatient crises center here in town, but came out feeling that almost every other person there was more willing to open up than I was. It was so hard and awkward being thrown in with 15 strangers with different conditions, I closed up.

Some of it was ok, I just have so much work to do on relaxing and trusting people again. My only prayer on the inside was to get out before I went completely nuts, but I could have made such better use of the help.

I think I have a shot with my 12 step groups to make some progress and my family is very supportive so Im staying with them for a bit now. The big problem is my ability to function on my own at my apartment has slipped. I wasn't showering, cleaning, or eating very good so I had to get out of there anyway I could.

I remember the last thing I saw when I was in the hospital was all the patients watching the movie Click with Adam Sandler, and wishing I had the power to do what he did. In the movie he has a remote that let him skip all the unpleasant moments of his life. It didn't turn out too good for him though.