Need some support

[Mariya116]

Okay so I met this guy. We had a wonderful first date and he's interested. I'm interested too. We made plans for a second date this weekend. From the things he said it was clear that to him, sex is part of a relationship. So I have to break it down to this guy that I can't go to bed with a man unless I'm married. This is really stressing me out, I can't even concentrate on my work today.

 

[Lord Of The Forest]

Tell him frankly and gently. If he's a decent fellow, that should be sufficient, and the awkward situation should resolve, though perhaps not without some inquiring questions first. If he presses the issue, a red flag has been raised.

I know this doesn't do much to ease your worry and distraction right now. Take a moment and explain the situation to God and ask for peace. He honours those who honour his commands.

 

[sparkydave]

Stick to your guns. If he can't respect that, then he isn't right for you, no matter how nice he seems. Look at it this way, if you settle now, you may regret it later if you find out he isn't right for you in other ways. It's only been one date, so I hope he's not already expecting it. If he brings it up and starts pushing for it, tell him the way it is. He'll either a) respect that, and realize that you have many other qualities that are worth saving sex for marriage or b) say "forget that", which is probably all you needed to hear.

 

[SummerGirl]

You do have to talk to him about it. I agree with the above that you be as frank and gentle as possible. If this is something truly important to you and he really cares he should be able to respect that. If he moves on then he really wasn't the right guy and you're better off because he doesn't respect you.

 

[Mariya116]

It's only been one date, so I hope he's not already expecting it.

Not at all, I just feel that it's fair to him to be up front about something like this from the beginning, since I know he expects sex in a relationship even if he is made to wait for a bit.

 

[E.C.]

Honest communication is key here.

 

[blackribbon]

You have invested ONE DATE in this man. You will not be losing the love of your life if this doesn't happen. Don't pussyfoot around the topic because it isn't going away. If sex in a dating relationship matters to him, you will either compromise your beliefs or he will walk away at some point...or maybe get the sex somewhere else while still dating you. If you side step this topic and continue hoping that things will change while he has been very clear what he expects, you will be "one more woman that lied" to him.

Personally, as someone who has learned many lessons the hard way, I suggest that you just cancel the second date and tell him why. There is not reason to take a chance on really falling in love with him unless you are willing to compromise your beliefs. Where God is, there is peace. You do not have peace about this man.

 

[High Fidelity]

Just tell him how it is. You can try and slip it in to the conversation about how you're abstaining until marriage and maybe just say it has caused problems with partners in the past if it has, that should give you a good indication as to what he wants.

Stick to your guns

 

[CCHIPSS]

Is this guy a Christian? If he is then talk to him about how sex is reserved for a married couple. Sex will, for the rest of their life, bounds two people into one. Part of him will be inside of her. And part of her will be inside of him.

If he isn't a Christian, try to bring him to church. If he refuses, pray about it. God will tell you what you need to do.

Remember, his problems isn't yours. It was his own choices that ends up damaging himself and his future relationships, as it is clearly affecting this relationship with you. Today his past has caught up with him. Because he didn't reserve himself for his future wife, he risk losing you today. God promised a removal of consequences of our sins in our afterlife. God never promised a removal of consequences of our sins in this life. There will be consequences.

If he refuse to give God a chance and insist to have sex, I would advice you to break up with him. Do not take up the responsibility of his own sins. Do not feel sorry for him. Every man must answer to God himself.

If he later claims to be a Christian but still insist to have sex, you already know where his heart is at. And it isn't at God.

Do not trade in your "Life Story with God", which lasts forever, for an "earthly love story" that only lasts for this life time. God must be our priority. And obeying God must be our priority. Do not fall for the temptation from "Solomon".

Instead, find someone who (at a minimum) will not cause you to stumble in your own walk with Christ. And ideally find someone whose own "Life Story with God" matches your own, so you two can walk with Christ together.

 

[Shattered-Reflections]

Okay so I met this guy. We had a wonderful first date and he's interested. I'm interested too. We made plans for a second date this weekend. From the things he said it was clear that to him, sex is part of a relationship. So I have to break it down to this guy that I can't go to bed with a man unless I'm married. This is really stressing me out, I can't even concentrate on my work today.

If you're not interested in sex before marriage and he is, what do you really have in common to base a relationship on?

You might have good chemistry, common interests and passions, but if you have completely different views about relationships then your relationship will be built on rocky, uneven ground. If he doesn't cherish and pursue purity, eventually that's going to effect the relationship or split it apart. Common morals and world views are foundational for a marriage to work out. If you disagree on fixed merits you're setting yourself up for troublesome times. You can't except him to change. Even if he "respects" your position it wouldn't be a heart change for him, but him bending his behavior temporarily for as long as he can tolerate. The closer you are to someone and the more time you're together the harder it is to constantly respect something that they thinks is simple and not a big deal -- Or that they think is silly, prudish, stiff, or legalistic. He won't be able to respect your views forever, especially if he values sex.

It's a lot easier to back out now than when it becomes nearly impossible to walk away from a bad situation. It's the kindness thing you can do for him and yourself, to not force him to conform to your fixed morals.

 

[Gadarene]

You do have to talk to him about it. I agree with the above that you be as frank and gentle as possible. If this is something truly important to you and he really cares he should be able to respect that. If he moves on then he really wasn't the right guy and you're better off because he doesn't respect you.

Just fyi - him moving on does not necessarily constitute disrespect.

He wants what he wants in a partner, and that's fine.

She wants what she wants in a partner, and that's fine too.

Not everyone's desires are compatible. Fact of life.

 

[Mariya116]

It's the kindness thing you can do for him and yourself

That's exactly how I see it. Okay thanks everyone for your answers.

 

[blackribbon]

Don't chose a man who will change for you...because he can change back just as easily.

Pick a man that you admire and value for who he is today.

Many divorced men will tell you they spent their whole life trying to be the man they their wives told them to be....and one day they looked up and were tired of "not being enough" when they were just being themselves.

This is just general dating advice...but don't ask a person to change for you...if they are going to change, it has to be for themselves and not to please someone else otherwise it will only be a temporary change.

 

[SummerGirl]

Just fyi - him moving on does not necessarily constitute disrespect.

He wants what he wants in a partner, and that's fine.

She wants what she wants in a partner, and that's fine too.

Not everyone's desires are compatible. Fact of life.

You're right. I admit that was badly thought out. It be disrespect if he said okay I understand then proceeded to pressure her anyways.

 

[Mariya116]

These situations would be easier for me if I had a support network. But I don't have much of it. My family are non-believers. Both of my parents cohabitate with their partners (they're divorced). Of my friends, only two are abstaining believers. Even at church, people cohabitate. One lady at my church told me you should live with a man before marriage. She has done it, and she is at church every Sunday with the husband and their three kids.

So, one minute I feel like I'm a crazy one complicating my own life. Another minute I want to be a "true Christian." That's why this is all so stressful.

 

[CCHIPSS]

Don't chose a man who will change for you...because he can change back just as easily.

Pick a man that you admire and value for who he is today.

Many divorced men will tell you they spent their whole life trying to be the man they their wives told them to be....and one day they looked up and were tired of "not being enough" when they were just being themselves.

This is just general dating advice...but don't ask a person to change for you...if they are going to change, it has to be for themselves and not to please someone else otherwise it will only be a temporary change.

I couldn't agree more. If a man wants to change, he should change for God and for himself. His foundations should be in God. If he puts his foundations of change on you (girlfriend), it isn't solid ground. That's like shifting sand that will change with every tide and every storm.

Matthew 7:24-27English Standard Version (ESV)

Build Your House on the Rock
24 “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. 26 And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. 27 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”

When I date a girl, I want her to love God more than me. Because I want to (as hard as it is) to love God more than anything else on earth. I believe only though loving God first, and then viewing our spouse as a wonderful and beautiful gift from God, can a relationship last.

Luke 14:26-27English Standard Version (ESV)

26 “If anyone comes to me and does not (as if he) hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. 27 Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.

 

[Shattered-Reflections]

These situations would be easier for me if I had a support network. But I don't have much of it. My family are non-believers. Both of my parents cohabitate with their partners (they're divorced). Of my friends, only two are abstaining believers. Even at church, people cohabitate. One lady at my church told me you should live with a man before marriage. She has done it, and she is at church every Sunday with the husband and their three kids.

So, one minute I feel like I'm a crazy one complicating my own life. Another minute I want to be a "true Christian." That's why this is all so stressful.

Are most people like that at your church or just the one lady? There will always be some Christians who are still immature in their faith who need guidance themselves. But if you feel like the people of your church aren't supporting you and others towards purity maybe it's time to look for another community? Whether that's another Eastern Orthodox church down the road or even a different denomination. Maybe talk with your pastor or elders about the issue?

A church is broken and fallible because it's made of real people who need God's grace. We need to forgive and guide those in our community. But the church should have common goals: integrity towards scripture, a desire for holiness and living like Christ, salvation based on Christ's grace, and Christ as the "corner stone" of the Church. Church as a whole shouldn't make you feel more crazy and alone for pursuing God's word, but like you have real family who love and support you in your walk with God.

So I would really suggest, seek out relationships (romantic and platonic) with those who actively pursue true Christianity.

 

[CCHIPSS]

These situations would be easier for me if I had a support network. But I don't have much of it. My family are non-believers. Both of my parents cohabitate with their partners (they're divorced). Of my friends, only two are abstaining believers. Even at church, people cohabitate. One lady at my church told me you should live with a man before marriage. She has done it, and she is at church every Sunday with the husband and their three kids.

So, one minute I feel like I'm a crazy one complicating my own life. Another minute I want to be a "true Christian." That's why this is all so stressful.

You should consider exploring other churches and find one that have a more "healthy" Christian population. Some Christians honestly believe there is nothing wrong at all with living together and having sex before marriage. Some even out-righteously claimed that they "believed" that this is what God told them to do.

A lot of these people (personal experience, no offense to anyone) were from Pentecostal churches, where they promote a "direct communication" with the "holy spirit" rather than reading the bible. The "holy spirit" gives them new insights against the "outdated" bible. Go figure. Who knows what kind of spirit they were actually talking to. Probably demonic, if you ask me.

Someone who claims to be a Christians and then spread falsehood are false prophets. And promoting sex before marriage is certainly falsehood. These people needs to be rebuked by the church. And if these people refuse to change their ways, they should be kicked out of the church, so they do not cause other brothers and sisters in Christ to stumble.

Anyone who is truly faithful to God and study the bible on a consistent basis will not contradict the bible on purpose (accidents happens).

The second thing is (after switching church) is to get involved in a small group. A Christian community is not about the rows of chairs facing the pastor. A Christian community is about small circles, where Christians knows each other personally and can support each other in times of crisis. And crisis happens to everyone eventually.

Ecclesiastes 4:10
If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.

I highly recommend Andy Stanley's sermon on small groups.

North Point

 

[Mariya116]

Are most people like that at your church or just the one lady? ... Church as a whole shouldn't make you feel more crazy and alone for pursuing God's word, but like you have real family who love and support you in your walk with God..

I see lots of Orthodox Christians who go to church, baptize kids etc. but comfortably live in sin. There are those who do not but I only know few of them personally and not closely. I understand that every man answers for himself etc., but more of a fellowship would be helpful. My two believing and abstaining friends are an Orthodox and a Methodist I believe. I don't care about denominations when choosing friends or a man.

 

[Rhamiel]

I know this can be hard
fear of rejection
fear of being looked at like you are "weird"

just slow down, take a few deep breaths
say "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner"
and focus on the task at hand

remember who you are, remember who the Lord is, stay true to Him and let the future untangle itself

thank you so much for sharing this with us
your honesty and your faithfulness to God is a sign of the good things He has done in your life