Need some help

[defeatedchristian]

I have been praying and praying that God would bring me a spouse for over 10 years but He hasn't. It is very discouraging to see others so happy and blessed while I am consistently ignored by God for this. I don't know what else to do, I tried the internet to meet people, but nothing happened. What else can I do? I tried asking out people at school and in church, nothing happened. God has forgotten me.

 

[LindaJ617]

God has not forgotten you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. We may not understand His ways but He has a greater plan for us than we can ever imagine.

For each of us the trial is different.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart
and lean not unto thine own understanding
Acknowledge Him in all thy ways and He shall direct thy path.

Pray for God's guidance and His will to be shown to you. He may be calling you to another area in life other than marriage.

 

[marinasdiamond]

^ I agree! Marriage is a wonderful thing, but it's not the best thing in the world. There are so many other fulfilling things in life that people are called to do.

Another thing is, these people who seem happy and fulfilled may not actually be. Especially if you're young, those relationships can often be superficial and end quickly. They aren't as careful of protecting their hearts, and that will end badly for them. And, if they truly are happy, then that's their own life. Your life is completely unique in God's plan, so just have faith in Him.

If you go seeking out men, that usually ends badly. I did this for a few years and fell into a really compromising relationship that I'm still trying to recover from. Don't settle for someone. The right person will come to you when God decides you're ready

 

[defeatedchristian]

I prayed that if this is not God's will for my life that He will completely and entirely remove any and all desire to be with someone in the future. So if He responds, I know it is not His will. If He does not, then it either means He enjoys torturing or punishing me or something else.

 

[BFine]

I live in Canada and I know of several Christian men who have
taken "mail order brides".

When I was still in the USA, the same thing was going on there.
Also there are men who are marrying Christian women
that aren't in their own ethnic group.
I married outside my own ethnic group...we married within 3 months
of meeting online and have been married for 10 years.

 

[defeatedchristian]

I live in Canada and I know of several Christian men who have
taken "mail order brides".

When I was still in the USA, the same thing was going on there.
Also there are men who are marrying Christian women
that aren't in their own ethnic group.
I married outside my own ethnic group...we married within 3 months
of meeting online and have been married for 10 years.

That's really good, I'm happy for you. Personally, I'm not interested in finding a mate that way, but I'm glad it all worked out for you. If that is the only way I can meet someone, I'd rather be alone.

 

[truthhopejustice]

That's really good, I'm happy for you. Personally, I'm not interested in finding a mate that way, but I'm glad it all worked out for you. If that is the only way I can meet someone, I'd rather be alone.

Hmmm I see this a lot. People say they want someone but then they won't dip in the Jordan so to speak in order to get the blessing. (see the story if Naaman). This may be your problem right here. Not saying it is, but what if God wanted to work this way, well you have completely shut the door on it. Might want to consider praying and asking God how he plans to work, as often it's not the way we expect. Let God be God - that means let Him do this His way, not your way. and be open to what He wants to do. Not saying you should do it this way, but at least be open to the idea and all other ideas God may choose to work through.

Otherwise you may entirely miss the person when she comes along. Your post seems to indicate you'd be ok with that hmmm so weird how people ask and ask for things and then shut doors. They seem to basically be begging for a person, then upon further questioning you see that really they have all these hoops they want God to jump through. what they are basically saying is "I want this to be done how I want it, when I want it, and with the type of person I choose". Every considered maybe it wont be the person you expect or be done in exactly the way you want, or be done at exactly the time you want? Maybe God wanted to send you a mail order bride as they call them 7 yrs ago but you didn't want that. Well if thats how you feel ok fine, but if you dont work with God dont expect him to answer your prayer.

Lay off the control man and just watch what God does and move with him. that's my advice.

 

[defeatedchristian]

Hmmm I see this a lot. People say they want someone but then they won't dip in the Jordan so to speak in order to get the blessing. (see the story if Naaman). This may be your problem right here. Not saying it is, but what if God wanted to work this way, well you have completely shut the door on it. Might want to consider praying and asking God how he plans to work, as often it's not the way we expect. Let God be God - that means let Him do this His way, not your way. and be open to what He wants to do. Not saying you should do it this way, but at least be open to the idea and all other ideas God may choose to work through.

Otherwise you may entirely miss the person when she comes along. Your post seems to indicate you'd be ok with that hmmm so weird how people ask and ask for things and then shut doors. what they are basically saying is "I want this to be done how I want it, when I want it, and with the type of person I choose". Every considered maybe it wont be the person you expect or be done in exactly the way you want, or be done at exactly the time you want? Maybe God wanted to send you a mail order bride as they call them 7 yrs ago but you didn't want that. Well if thats how you feel ok fine, but if you dont work with God dont expect him to answer your prayer.

Yes, there are certain things I am not willing to do. For instance, I would never go to a prostitute. Sin aside, I would also not marry just anyone, nor would I resort to having to marry someone who wants to come to my country only. I've already had many long talks with God about this. He knows where I stand.

This is why I specifically asked Him that if I can not have the type of relationship that I want with the type of person that I want, then He may as well just remove any desire for me to ever find anyone. I'd rather be alone than suffer with someone I don't like. I think that is only fair. So if God is truly only able to bring me someone according to this standard, then He is not all powerful. However, my Bible says "Is anything too hard for the LORD?" The answer is no, of course.

I want to clarify something here. You're thinking I'm desperate to get married just for the sake of being married. That's not me and it never will be. If God is that ignorant of who I am, then I guess He doesn't know me personally, contrary to what I was always taught by the church. He doesn't know me at all. If He did, He would know I'm not going to just settle for anybody. I have standards and I would think He would know that.

 

[truthhopejustice]

By the way sorry if I sound cold or unsympathetic. I didn't mean for it to come out that way I'm just absolutely shocked when I see people acting like you do. I'm shocked every time It just seems they want a spouse so badly an then immediatey dismiss all suggestions without even trying them. Can I ask why you are so against trying things to perhaps end your singleness?

 

[defeatedchristian]

By the way sorry if I sound cold or unsympathetic. I didn't mean for it to come out that way I'm just absolutely shocked when I see people acting like you do. I'm shocked every time It just seems they want a spouse so badly an then immediatey dismiss all suggestions without even trying them. Can I ask why you are so against trying things to perhaps end your singleness?

Because I would rather be alone than with someone I don't like. Who could blame me for that?

 

[truthhopejustice]

Yes, there are certain things I am not willing to do. For instance, I would never go to a prostitute. Sin aside, I would also not marry just anyone, nor would I resort to having to marry someone who wants to come to my country only. I've already had many long talks with God about this. He knows where I stand.

This is why I specifically asked Him that if I can not have the type of relationship that I want with the type of person that I want, then He may as well just remove any desire for me to ever find anyone. I'd rather be alone than suffer with someone I don't like. I think that is only fair. So if God is truly only able to bring me someone according to this standard, then He is not all powerful. However, my Bible says "Is anything too hard for the LORD?" The answer is no, of course.

I want to clarify something here. You're thinking I'm desperate to get married just for the sake of being married. That's not me and it never will be. If God is that ignorant of who I am, then I guess He doesn't know me personally, contrary to what I was always taught by the church. He doesn't know me at all. If He did, He would know I'm not going to just settle for anybody. I have standards and I would think He would know that.

Ok. I do get the vibe from you that you are maybe being too picky? I don't know if that's true, only you do and I may be projecting since I went through that. I had been single so long I had these super high standards. I thought God should send me someone absolutely amazing because I had waited so long for the guy and was a virgin and had done everything right. Without realizing it I started to slip into wanting someone who looked like a model with a genuis IQ and of course had all the deep important things to like was very spiritual and wanted to live his life for others and not himself.

Then I met a guy who was deep and kind and I realized love isn't about all of those traits - it's about the person! This guy isnt a model and he's not Jesus Christ in his love for people; he loves them but he's not perfect. Yet I still care about him. I think before love was a theory but now I understand it by experience and it's NOT like buying a new house or a car. It's so much more than that. I realize now I could be with a model with a genuis IQ and still not love him, because real love isnt a list of traits but a love for the person themselves.

Attraction isn't love. You don't need to bve with the person you are most attracted to because what happens is the person becomes the person you are most attracted to over time as you get to know them. It's pretty amazing how it happens. I didn't used to believe it happened and was only interested in model types who stood out in a crowd. I didnt realize that when I fell in love I'd desire that person more than any model. Real love does amazing things to a believer because when Christ is in the heart we are capable of loving in a deeper way than those who choose the path of selfishness.

I say this because since you have never been in love you may not understand how it works. You are still looking at a list and not a person. But the person you are really best with may already be in your life, you just don't understand how it's impossible to love someone you dont know. Once you get to know them love may change everything.

 

[truthhopejustice]

Because I would rather be alone than with someone I don't like. Who could blame me for that?

Like I said, it's not about like, it's about love. It's hard to explain if you've never been in love but I'm trying. The person you like may not be the one you can love, and the one you think you dont like right now may actually be the one you end up loving and liking in large measure. Once you know the person and not just a set of traits.

 

[defeatedchristian]

Ok. I do get the vibe from you that you are maybe being too picky? I don't know if that's true, only you do and I may be projecting since I went through that. I had been single so long I had these super high standards. I thought God should send me someone absolutely amazing because I had waited so long for the guy and was a virgin and had done everything right. Without realizing it I started to slip into wanting someone who looked like a model with a genuis IQ and of course had all the deep important things to like was very spiritual and wanted to live his life for others and not himself.

Then I met a guy who was deep and kind and I realized love isn't about all of those traits - it's about the person! This guy isnt a model and he's not Jesus Christ in his love for people; he loves them but he's not perfect. Yet I still care about him. I think before love was a theory but now I understand it by experience and it's NOT like buying a new house or a car. It's so much more than that. I realize now I could be with a model with a genuis IQ and still not love him, because real love isnt a list of traits but a love for the person themselves.

Attraction isn't love. You don't need to bve with the person you are most attracted to because what happens is the person becomes the person you are most attracted to over time as you get to know them. It's pretty amazing how it happens. I didn't used to believe it happened and was only interested in model types who stood out in a crowd. I didnt realize that when I fell in love I'd desire that person more than any model. Real love does amazing things to a believer because when Christ is in the heart we are capable of loving in a deeper way than those who choose the path of selfishness.

I say this because since you have never been in love you may not understand how it works. You are still looking at a list and not a person. But the person you are really best with may already be in your life, you just don't understand how it's impossible to love someone you dont know. Once you get to know them love may change everything.

I've been in love a couple times before. But I don't believe love just hits you. It takes time.

If you're willing to be with anybody I guess, you could fall for them. Stockholm Syndrome indicates people could love anybody, even their abusers. I don't doubt that. What I don't see the point of, is why be with somebody that you don't like, are not attracted to or whatever. That seems pretty strange.

Like I said, I'm not that desperate that I will just take anybody who comes along. Nor do I understand why I should have to. I can't imagine being with somebody who I did not like or love, or who did not feel the same about me. Can you imagine being with somebody who thought you were hideous? I can't, I couldn't handle that.

The Bible says to "Guard your heart" so I'm not just going to open up and fall in love with somebody I know is not right for me. I'll never understand why people insist that others settle in their lives for just anybody.

 

[marinasdiamond]

It sounds to me like you think several things-- you are afraid of being with the wrong person and getting hurt, and you are being impatient.

I prayed to God for a long time that this guy would ask me out-- I wanted to go out with him soooo bad, and I wanted to be with him so bad, that I felt like it had to happen SOON. The guy's name was Will.

5 years later, I was thinking about the guy during a sermon at church, and how much I wanted to be with him, and immediately when my mind went back to the sermon the preacher said "--God's Will", to which a switch automatically clicked in my mind. I wanted this guy named Will to be mine... but that's selfish. He belongs to God. He's literally God's Will (lol).

About a year later I had a conversation with him for the first time (sad, yes...) and discovered he liked golfing, hated children, and wanted to be a lawyer. I've wanted to be an elementary school teacher pretty much my whole life. Needless to say, that was not the guy for me.

So maybe He's making you wait to test your patience and faith in Him.

 

[defeatedchristian]

To add to that, if wanting to be with somebody I find attractive that is a believer in Christ is being picky, then I guess most people are; me too. I don't see how that is too picky. It would be different if I said, "I will only date blondes who are 5'8" and with good jobs" or "I will only marry someone who owns her own home" or "I will only go out with women who are virgins", etc. I'm not saying things like that at all.

 

[truthhopejustice]

I've been in love a couple times before. But I don't believe love just hits you. It takes time.

If you're willing to be with anybody I guess, you could fall for them. Stockholm Syndrome indicates people could love anybody, even their abusers. I don't doubt that. What I don't see the point of, is why be with somebody that you don't like, are not attracted to or whatever. That seems pretty strange.

Like I said, I'm not that desperate that I will just take anybody who comes along. Nor do I understand why I should have to. I can't imagine being with somebody who I did not like or love, or who did not feel the same about me. Can you imagine being with somebody who thought you were hideous? I can't, I couldn't handle that.

The Bible says to "Guard your heart" so I'm not just going to open up and fall in love with somebody I know is not right for me. I'll never understand why people insist that others settle in their lives for just anybody.

I disagree. I cant love just anybody. I had several guys I was dating who were very kind to me, attractive, and great people, very respectful and willing to wait till marriage and everything. They had all the right traits. But I didn't fall in love with them. I just didn't love them! I just didn't love who they were as a person.

You said you've been in love several times. What happened? Are you sure it was love and not just infatuation?

What is it you are looking for in a girl exactly? Would be curious to see that. It sounds like this type of person must be one in millions. Do you know someone who is the type of person you are looking for?

 

[defeatedchristian]

I disagree. I cant love just anybody. I had several guys I was dating who were very kind to me, attractive, and great people, very respectful and willing to wait till marriage and everything. They had all the right traits. But I didn't fall in love with them. I just didn't love them! I just didn't love who they were as a person.

You said you've been in love several times. What happened? Are you sure it was love and not just infatuation?

What is it you are looking for in a girl exactly? Would be curious to see that. It sounds like this type of person must be one in millions. Do you know someone who is the type of person you are looking for?

I was in love twice. Neither time was anything but love. Not infatuation.

Yes, she would be one in a million. Just as I am. I'm a great guy who deserves the best. But I'm not that picky.

I know many girls who fit the bill for what I am looking for. I've asked them out. They don't like me. God might want me to be alone. I am asking for His help to deliver me from the desire for a relationship.

I do not have a giant laundry list of things I am looking for. Just someone who is a believer and loves God, attractive to me and someone with a good heart that likes children. That would be about half the Christian population from the ages of 18 to about 30. That is too much?

 

[truthhopejustice]

I do want to say this too...

If you want to get different results you must do things differently. Yes I know that's very basic but I think it can easily be igored or frgotten.

we get the idea we have to justkeep waiting on God or something. It's been 10 yrs you've been praying. and God is alll for marriage. He likes bringng people together! Especially in this day and age when most ppl dont even want to be married and prefer to sleep around. Just seems it's very likely He is saying yes to prayers like this.

So I think he is on your side. You may not be on your own side though. You may be shooting yourself in the foot somehow. It's VERY hard to find good people to marry these days so it's going to take a lot of searching and coming out of your comfort zone to find someone with the character who can sustan a marriage.

I had to meet literally hundreds of people to meet a handful of great guys that I could date. I had to go places I hadnt been before, introduce myself, and pray pray pray! It really is that hard to meet a marriage material person so if you arent willing to do what it takes it likely won't happen. They are the minority. and then you have to find one who you like AND who likes you back, is the right age etc etc.

 

[BFine]

No one is talking about marrying someone you don't like or marrying
someone who is being dubious.

I most certainly didn't marry someone to get into Canada nor did I
marry someone who I didn't like.
The Christian men who took mail order brides, married women who
are believers, they ain't married to someone they don't like or vice verse.
Many of the ones I know are now grandparents and are still married.

Prayer and having a firm faith walk with the Lord can go a long when one is seeking
a spouse. I looked for a godly man and it took a long time to find one for me.

I took ethnicity, location etc clear off the table and looked for someone
who is walking closely with the Lord as I am...I put it all in God's hands
and He worked it all out for a lot of us who weren't picked up so quickly.

Don't ever give up.
Hold firm to the faith and keep searching.
My own father got married for the first time when he was well into
his fifties and he was a country farmer and had very little money.


*This man didn't give up....
http://www.lifewithoutlimbs.org/about-nick/

 

[defeatedchristian]

I do want to say this too...

If you want to get different results you must do things differently. Yes I know that's very basic but I think it can easily be igored or frgotten.

we get the idea we have to justkeep waiting on God or something. It's been 10 yrs you've been praying. and God is alll for marriage. He likes bringng people together! Especially in this day and age when most ppl dont even want to be married and prefer to sleep around. Just seems it's very likely He is saying yes to prayers like this.

So I think he is on your side. You may not be on your own side though. You may be shooting yourself in the foot somehow. It's VERY hard to find good people to marry these days so it's going to take a lot of searching and coming out of your comfort zone to find someone with the character who can sustan a marriage.

I had to meet literally hundreds of people to meet a handful of great guys that I could date. I had to go places I hadnt been before, introduce myself, and pray pray pray! It really is that hard to meet a marriage material person so if you arent willing to do what it takes it likely won't happen. They are the minority. and then you have to find one who you like AND who likes you back, is the right age etc etc.

That sounds good, and on paper I agree with you about God wanting people to get married. In the apocrypha, it is the demon, Asmodeus that prevents people from marrying, not God. God wants people to get married, at least in the book of Tobit. But that was then, this now.

God does call some people to remain single for His purposes. I might be one of them. God has all power and can do all things. He blesses me in other ways, so I know He cares about me in one sense. But maybe not about this? God can bring me the most person ever, but will He...? He hasn't so far. The Jews say God loves to play matchmaker. But that's for them, not me. God shows Himself differently to each person.

I have met lots of good, Christian women. But they don't like me, so there's not much I can do at that point. I used to be shy and still am in some ways, but even if I met someone I liked, the chances of her liking me back and being the right age is pretty much impossible.