Need Some Break Up Advice

[WhatSetsUsApart]

Hey All,

I could really use some advice.

About a month ago my ex girlfriend of a year and two months broke up with me. She broke up with me becuase of how I mistreated her and disrespected her. Looking back on it, I never treated her the way she deserved to be treated and I regret disrespecting her everyday.

The break up left me shattered. I fell into a deep depression that lasted for over two weeks; the effects of which I am still feeling today. The break up however forced me to analyze myself and really readjust my outlook and attitude. I spent a lot of time bettering myself, fixing the issues that led to the break up and things that were really holding me back. One of the ways that I went to better myself was to go back to faith. This situation has led me back to God and has me really desiring to strengthen my relationship with Him. I've been praying daily and reading scriptures trying to find a way to help me get out of this sad and depressed mindset.

Recently though, I have been having problems figuring out what God's Will for me is. Right now, I want to get back together with my ex girlfriend more than anything. I love her so much, and to me, it feels like I could spend many many more years with her. Mind you, I am still very young but I just have this feeling that there's more in store for my ex girlfriend and I. I know that We as Christians are supposed to put all our trust and faith into God knowing that He is guiding us according to his Will and plan for us. I know also that we are not supposed to lead by our own understanding.

Well here is my dilemma. I have been praying everyday since the break up for God to work through me and to lead me accoriding to his will. However at the same time, I am believing and praying to God that my ex girlfriend and I are going to get back together. Last week my ex girlfriend came back into my life and it seemed that we were going to get back together. Things were moving along great and she even admitted to still having feelings for me and that she had a desire to take things slow and really get to know the "new me." I thanked God and was convinced that she was indeed part of his will for me.

However, this high point came to an end when I lost control of my physical desires and kissed her. Though she admitted that she enjoyed it, she broke down emotionally and said that it made her realize she wasn't ready to move forward in that direction of getting back together.Things were moving just too fast for her. She hadn't let go of the terrible things I had done to her and needed time for herself to find out what he wanted. I was emtionally beat up after this but I have since given her space to think about what she wants.

Well since that day, I have been depressed again. I was convinced that God had answered my prayers and had me on a course to getting back together with my ex, really giving me a second chance at true love. That week of happiness had me convinced that My ex and I together, as a couple, was part of God's Will for me.

Well I need advice. I am convinced that God put her back in my life, and although for a short time, it seemed as if my prayers had been answered. How can I know if getting back with my ex is part of God's will for me? Am I allowed to pray to God to bring her back to me? Am I just leading by my own understanding when I believe that me and my ex are destined to be back together again? I'm just really confused. For a week I was convinced that God's will was working right before my eyes. But I made a mistake and now I dont know what to believe.

Thanks so much for any advice that you can offer.

God Bless.

 

[AdrocK48]

Well I need advice. I am convinced that God put her back in my life, and although for a short time, it seemed as if my prayers had been answered. How can I know if getting back with my ex is part of God's will for me? Am I allowed to pray to God to bring her back to me? Am I just leading by my own understanding when I believe that me and my ex are destined to be back together again? I'm just really confused. For a week I was convinced that God's will was working right before my eyes. But I made a mistake and now I dont know what to believe.

mate it sounds like you really loved this girl! and i am saddened that it has ended and that it has had a huge affect on you...! when i got dumped be my ex a while ago i was devistated big time. i was sooo cut cos i, like you, was sure we were gonna spend many years together, to the point where i thought we were going to be married!

there were a few things that i did to help me get through the initial pain and set me up to deal with the pain that was to come.
I wrote an apology/forgiveness letter and gave it too her. for me, she needed to know that i was truely sorry for all the stuff i did to hurt her, and that she was 100% forgiven, no questions asked, for all the stuff she did that hurt me. now you may write this letter and not give it too her, you may just forgive and apologise in your own heart, that you and God are the only two who know about it. I was suggested to write the letter by an older christian that i know and giving her that letter was a really helpful thing for me.

I went out and did the things i wanted to do for a long time, but couldnt because i was doing other events with my ex. I wanted to go to the city and spend time there, i went on a holiday to visit my old bible study leader, i pulled allnighters with my mates for nye, things that i wanted to do i did. maybe this could be helpful for you to do, to go out and do things you wanna do on your own.

I also went and did things that both myself and my ex both enjoyed doing so that im not constrained by the idea that she might be there. for me, we liked going to art museums together, and the first date i took my ex on was to the observatory. so in the weeks after the breakup, i went to both of these places to face the fears of what could have been. so that i wasnt scared of enjoying the things i enjoyed before we were going out/while going out... if that makes sense.

a few minor things that could be helpful would be to limit the amount of publicity you give this issue. for me, i really only spoke with 3 mates about it, and my youth minister (who is my boss, for it is appropriate that he knew what was going on so that if something was to happen that took my respectability, he would already know what had been happening... above reproach sorta stuff.) this could also be good for you. dont speak to everyone about it, but pick a friend or two to confide in and an older christian that you know so that you can be mentored by him.

Try to be as Godly as you can. we cant change what people do... but we can change what we do! so i suggest you just focus on your relationship with God first and foremost and everything else will fall into line... with partners, future plans, life stages everything.

 

[AdrocK48]

and if you wanna talk more about it... please pm me

 

[TLane]

A kiss? That was your most recent mistake? It seems like you're making a really big deal out of one kiss. The youngest of children kiss and the Goldiest of people every age kiss. If one kiss is setting your relationship back this bad, I don't want to imagine what your next "mistake" will bring upon you.

Also, I would think more about what you said with leaning on your own understanding. Think with your head and not your heart and take note of the differences. Does the relationship make sense to have? Your heart could be telling you YES no matter what, but you need to step back and think and pray logically too.

Hope this helps.

 

[WhatSetsUsApart]

Wow, it has been a very long time since I've last been here. It is strange how this forum finds me again in a very low spot in this situation. But I am still in need of advice and I'll try to let you all know what has happened to me over the last two months.

After this situation my ex and I cut talking a lot, we talked via text maybe every other day. I was back to being depressed and again I prayed and prayed for God to show me and the answers, and to again bring her back to me. Well I believe that God spoke to me and showed me the reason why the break up had to happen and why I didn't keep her when she came back. The reasons being that He needed to get me back to Him. While I was with my girlfriend, things were really good for me and I thought very little of God and my faith. I mean things were great so I never even really thought about God, He was on the backburner pretty much. But the breakup opened my eyes up and made me realize what was truly important in life, and that was building a stronger relationship with Him. And the reason why I couldn't keep her when she came back was because I hadn't learned yet to consult God in my relationships and my decision. I let my lustful desires take over and I knew that was a mistake.

So she was gone. A week after I posted this thread my ex and I went to Ecuador for one of our classes back at school. Prior to leaving I prayed to God consistently to forgive and to bring back my ex. I prayed that this trip would mark a new beginning for me, not only in the relationship with my ex, but in my happiness which I had lost. Well the trip turned out to be awesome. And it seemed like God answered my prayers because for the whole trip my ex and I got really close again, to the point where we were holding hands and other things that we would have done if we were together still. It was great and I thanked God for answering my prayers, I had a great trip, I was regaining happiness, and it seemed like things were progressing for me and my ex.

A few days later we returned back to school for the spring semester. I had been continuing to pray for my ex to come back to me. I believed that God was answering my prayers slowly. And once we got back to school my ex came to me again. This time she told me that she still had feelings for me but was just afraid that she wasn't ready to forget about the things I did to her, but that she ultimately wanted to try to make things right. So we started hanging out again and things progressed very fast. For about a 5 days we were hanging out and doing the thing we used to do. However, again, I resorted to my lustful ways and eventually ended up being intimate with her. The following day she broke things off again saying she thought she was ready to be with me but realized that she still had a lot of old thoughts and feelings from the relationship that haunted her. Again I was depressed and ran back to God. I asked for forgiveness and asked that He would bring back the girl of my dreams, because I truly believe that she is the one for me right now.I continued to actively pursue God and His Word, trying to find wisdom and guidance.

Some time passed and eventually my ex came back. She explained that she didn't want to lose me, that the reason why she couldnt commit to us was because her friends and family had been telling her that she was making the right choice. She begged me to trust her, and though I was skeptical, I took her back. Again I thanked God for bringing her back and answering my prayers, cause this time it seemed for real. Well things weren't back to perfect with me and my ex. The whole time it felt like she was distant, afraid to truly open up to me. I was still rather unhappy on the inside and I knew that somethign just wasnt right. I continued to pray and pray that things were going to work out. Again I had let my lustful desires get in the way and we were intimate during the two week period we were together.

Things just didnt seem right and the day after Valentines Day my ex broke it off again. And this time it seemed for real. She said that she still couldnt forget the things I did to her and that she didn't want to drag me around while she tried to figure out what it was she wanted for herself. She even said that I might just not be the one for her because of the way I treated her during the relationsihp. I tried to tell her it would be better and I knew I had to accept it. So after that day we stopped talking completely.

This is where I am currently at. Its been almost three weeks since that happened. I've been having mood swings where I'll be really depressed for most of the day and then some what feel better, just to feel even worse later. Still I have been trying to strengthen my relationsihp with God. I have been in prayer with Him consistently asking for His widom and guidance. Yet I still pray that He would bring my ex back to me and give me one more chance to make things right. I believe with all of my heart that my ex and I are supposed to be together right now. After everything we've been through I realize that she is someone that I am supposed to have in my life. I pray to God multiple times a day to find it in His heart to bring us back together. I don't believe it goes against his Will for me. I really do believe that we should be together.


I dont know what to do anymore. I feel like things are going to get better and I still believe that God will answer my prayers, I mean He has brought her back to me three times before, why wouldn't He do it again after I feel like I've learned the lesson that is supposed to come out of this.

I continue to pray for understanding and just one more chance with my ex. Am I doing something wrong?

 

[AdrocK48]

broken hearts ar always the hardest to mend my friend. i have personally felt the pain of a broken heart last year and it was awful the pain.

there are a few small things that you said that id like to touch on.

you say that you realize that this girl is someone in your life... obviously things havent worked out too well for you while seeing each other... and maybe that is God saying that dating isnt the thing you two need with each other (well right now anyway). do you think that there is another possability of her being in your life without her being your girlfriend? maybe a regular friend of sorts?

I dont disagree that you truely feel like you two should be together... but broken hearts tend to give off broken thoughts and beliefs... to the extent of depressive states and lonelyness which i suspect you are experiencing.

and this whole sinful nature you have with intamacy... i dont think we really need to get to personal with you sharing exactly what it is... but you know in matthew 5 it talks about cutting off what makes you sin... and maybe... atleast for now... that may just need to happen for you. This girl... i suspect is your first true love and it hurts real bad that it hasnt gone perfect or to plan doesnt it? I know that love hurts... ive experienced the hurt that love brings many many times!
but in the long run... for you and your future ministry... it is probably a good idea that the situation you are in... ala not really having any communication with this girl... is a good thing... and something that should be embraced... because your relationship with God is way more important than some relationship with a girl... no matter who the girl is.
for once you get a solid, stable relationship with God, the quality of your ministry to those around you will increase dramatically... and in turn, God may show you that a relationship with a girl is on the cards for you. but can i encourage you to allow 2 timothy 3:16-17, that you know that God is speaking to you through His word, and that is good for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training you in righteousness in God so that you are thoroughly equipped for doing ministry.

and if you feel like you need somebody to talk to about it... please feel free to pm me.

 

[WhatSetsUsApart]

I am just struggling with understanding what God is doing in my life right. I understand that the breakup was a way to bring me back to God as well as teaching me several different lessons about how to love, etc. But I had been praying so much for her to come back and she always came back. There was nothing I did to bring her back to me, she came back on her own terms. And what we don't control is God's Will, right? I just am not ready to give up on her and this relationship. Deep down I believe that it was a very true and pure love, and I think it deserves at least one more chance. And I pray multiple times a day that God will continue to bring my ex and I back together, cause I believe that it doesn't go against His Will for me. I mean, she did come back three times, if it wasn't meant to be, then how did this happen?

I just need some guidance in this time of panic and depression. I love this girl with all my heart, and I realize I am young, but still, it felt really right to me. And I have been persistently praying for God to bring her back to me, just to give me one more chance to make it right.

Can you offer any type of advice in this situation?

 

[AdrocK48]

mm and i suspect alot of people struggle with what God wants them to do in their life. I know i have struggled with that alot over the years.

how did this happen... i dont know... people do things when they are in love. sometimes they go back into relationships that consiously they know arent working because they feel the next time will work.

well i guess i can offer you a bit of advice.
i think you need to find out what really makes you happy... both in the good and bad times...
does being with this girl (in both when you are together and during the break up) make you TRUELY happy and worth the pain of the breakup periods, or is there something else that makes you happier (for example... does God make you happy, both when you are being blessed by him, or you are being persecuted for his name?)

I suspect i know the answer... and i suspect you do to... and i think you need to follow that happyness. In the end... its abou you and God... and it is important that when we need to be with God we give him time. (which is all the time that we need him) focus on your relationship with God... and if He wants you to be with this girl... he will let you know.
im not saying that you should totally blow this girl off forever like out of date milk... but for now... your relationship with God is the thing you really really need to reconfigure and work on.
keep talking to people about your walk with God, with your struggles, and about your joys...
can i encourage that you keep posting here on CF and also find an older guy to mentor you (guy that is outa school and has had some deacent experience with the struggles that you are facing.. and this may mean you have 2 or 3 mentors that you have because there isnt one guy that can guide you through all the things your going through... for me i have two life mentors... one guy who is a few years older than me that challanges me big time with my walk and biblical stuff, and a retired guy thats been through having kids and marriage and experienced a bunch of stuff and he helps guide me through the struggles i have.)

so i think that is the best two bits of advice i can give ya... focus on your relationship, and find a mentor or two/keep posting here to help keep you on track with God.
and if you want to talk more... about this or anything else... you know you can message anyone on the forums privately and talk there also

 

[joel_walks]

Hey All,

Well I need advice. I am convinced that God put her back in my life, and although for a short time, it seemed as if my prayers had been answered. How can I know if getting back with my ex is part of God's will for me? Am I allowed to pray to God to bring her back to me? Am I just leading by my own understanding when I believe that me and my ex are destined to be back together again? I'm just really confused. For a week I was convinced that God's will was working right before my eyes. But I made a mistake and now I dont know what to believe.

Thanks so much for any advice that you can offer.

God Bless.

I know this post is probably late to your issue, but I thought I would just share a few things.

First of all, to go through what you went through - to break up ~ get back together ~ and break up again, and be depressed, is very very normal. Don't feel weak or inferior because of it.

Your faith in God is essential to get through this troubling time. God has someone out there for you, this girl could be her (maybe she needs to get her head together before she realises), or maybe there is another girl just waiting for you. You need to put your faith in God first! I'm not much of a gambler, but I would bet that, what contributed to your first break was because you lost sight of God. You have to keep your eyes on God, he will not lead you astray, and now is no different. Work on your relationship with God, and you'll find things like 'is she the one?' will fall into place.

To pray for God to get someone to like you, may not be the appropriate prayer. Praying for the best possible outcome for the both of you, is a better prayer. Praying that, no matter what happens between you, she is Happy. This is putting someone else's happiness before of your own, that is very selfless - God love.

Be strong my friend. God first, and other things will fall in line - in one way or the other.

And Adrock was absolutely right, while building your relationship with God, another remedy for break up is to do the things you couldn't do while you were together.

Anyway, I don't know if this helped, but this is my advice to you.

 

[heron]

she wasn't ready to move forward in that direction of getting back together.Things were moving just too fast for her. She hadn't let go of the terrible things I had done to her and needed time for herself to find out what he wanted. I was emtionally beat up after this but I have since given her space to think about what she wants.

It is hard to deal with the emotional drain of breaking up... it is almost like we are different creatures, because the ability to handle the pain is different than we experience other times.

Do you know the story of Jacob and Rachel (and Leah)? Jacob worked for seven years to get Rachel's dad's approval. He was patient. He didn't fear losing Rachel. He was content to just be around her, knowing she loved him.

This woman has asked for space every time you got intimate. I assume she is feeling pushed farther than she wants to go, even if it was a mutual decision. Listen to that. It does not benefit you in the long run to attain your goal, and leave her feeling regret.

She has told you what she wants.... you have said that you love her. Out of love, try to offer her what she wants, and believe that she means what she says. She clearly likes you.

Remember that intimacy for a woman can have life-changing results. Most birth control methods only offer 98% effectiveness. That gives bad odds for her facing a pregnancy.

There's a chart here of pregnancy odds for different methods, halfway down the page. It uses a normal year instead of per instance/per use to calculate the possibility.

Once a woman has a child, she can barely accomplish the goals she set out for in her life. Child care costs as much as she might make in a week. Employers will not hire women who show up pregnant at an interview (law or no law) -- they will need a maternity leave their first year of work.

For the first five years, the child will have to be watched every minute. There is no rest. After kids enter school, they are only out of the house for a few hours, and then they're back. Being able to carry on a career with kids is a constant struggle for mothers. Paying the bills is enough of a struggle.

This is what you ask of a girl when you are intimate with her. You are asking her to take that risk of giving up all her goals. Sacrificing her future, for you to be happy and less restless or less depressed.

Everyone thinks they are exempt from this happening, but look around. Ask around. Ask your friends how many people they know have had pregnancies.

Romance turns into real life very quickly.

 

[WhatSetsUsApart]

I suspect i know the answer... and i suspect you do to... and i think you need to follow that happyness. In the end... its abou you and God... and it is important that when we need to be with God we give him time. (which is all the time that we need him) focus on your relationship with God... and if He wants you to be with this girl... he will let you know.
im not saying that you should totally blow this girl off forever like out of date milk... but for now... your relationship with God is the thing you really really need to reconfigure and work on.
keep talking to people about your walk with God, with your struggles, and about your joys...

You're right, and I know what is most important right now. I'm trying so hard to believe that this is where I'm supposed to be right now. But it just hurts so bad. I'm really trying hard to just move on and focus on other things. I'm trying to be patient with what the Lord is trying to show me and I'm trying to accept the situation as it is, but my heart is still so focused on my ex and I cant do anything to stop it.

I'm not much of a gambler, but I would bet that, what contributed to your first break was because you lost sight of God. You have to keep your eyes on God, he will not lead you astray, and now is no different. Work on your relationship with God, and you'll find things like 'is she the one?' will fall into place.

To pray for God to get someone to like you, may not be the appropriate prayer. Praying for the best possible outcome for the both of you, is a better prayer. Praying that, no matter what happens between you, she is Happy. This is putting someone else's happiness before of your own, that is very selfless - God love.

I know that the reason why the breakup occured in the first place was because I lost sight of God. As I prayed for understanding, He showed me that He needed to bring me back to Him before things started to get out of control. When I was with my ex, and even before when we were just messing around, I was so happy with my life. So happy that I never really thought about God because everything was going so well for me. Everything was going my way and I was content with everything I had. But it took a situation like this break up to show me whats most important in life. And I thank Him everyday for giving me this lesson to learn.

But in praying, I always asked for God to do His Will for me, and I would express my hope that my ex and I together would be a part of that. And each time she always came back. It's not that I was praying for her to love me, I mean I know I can't ask God to make someone love me, but I know she still has feelings for me, and I really truly believed that because she kept coming back to me without me making her, that it was His Will for me.

Last night, taking your advice, I decided that I would pray for both her and I to find the things we are looking for. I prayed that everything would fall in line for both us and that we would be blessed. Also, that if it was His Will for us to be together, and I prayed and begged that it would be His will, then we would come back together when the time was right.

But even still, I felt so uneasy because I felt like I was no longer fighting for my ex. It always gave me comfort to pray to God to bring us together, because it felt like it had worked so often before. But for the first time I wasn't solely praying for that. And it made me feel like if I wasn't praying for it, it was never going to happen. Because no matter how hard I try, all I really want is my ex back, and for things to work out better than they did before.

I'm just afraid that I'm not going to get any better. I've been waking up almost every morning feeling depressed, and even this morning I was on the verge of tears. I'm trying so hard to keep faith but it feels like I'm not making it. It feels like maybe I'm praying for the wrong things, or looking up the wrong things in the Bible. I just feel so stuck. I know what my heart wants, but right now I know I cant have it. And its just hard to get my heart and mind in line together. It's like I just can't let go of the urge to get her back.