Need: Scriptures, comfort, love, support, resources, someone going through the same..

[love_God_alwaysandforever]

I am considering leaving my Christian husband. I just found a baggy in his pocket.
We have many, many issues that need to be dealt with.
If I stay, how should I talk with him about going to get help, a serious diagnosis, treatment, counseling without him becoming defensive and blaming me for all his problems?
If I leave right away, I will have no where else to go but just another possible situation, and I may be pushing him over the edge instead of supporting him and being his helmeet, but I also do not want to enable him. I am certain he has depression as a symptom of something bigger; his sister has bipolar and borderline personality disorder. He may have that or something entirely different, like early onset midlife crises, and so on. He also needs to come to terms with his past, as I cannot do that for him.
I have depression, have been diagnosed with it years ago.
How do I not deal with his problems, help him deal, deal with our issues as well as mine, without my depression getting worse.
The only Bible verses I can come up with are those pertaining to marriage and divorce, the ones about stumbling and causing others to stumble, and the one about not to be drunk/ filled on wine but the holy spirit.
(I just wrote a very long post explaining all the current and previous history, but when I tried to post it, the computer said I was logged out and had no access to it and the data was lost?)
This is not supposed to be happening...

 

[sandman]

I have some suggestions for you but I wanted to ask you a few questions: how long have your been married? any kids? and what are the other issues you are dealing with? One more question; does he have any redeeming qualities?

 

[madison1101]

I am familiar with addictions and mental health issues. I am in recovery, as is my son. I also have worked with people suffering from addictions and mental health issues.

I suggest you have a talk with him. Do not attack or he will get defensive. Use "I" statements. They all start out with the word "I".

Like:
I am concerned about you because I love you and found drugs in your pocket.
I would like you to get evaluated for therapy or treatment.
I know of a program where you can get help. (NA or AA)
I love you.
I need you to be clean and sober.

Check out the websites of NA and AA. They can be a great resource for you.

Don't forget to pray.

You may also want to attend an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting for yourself. It wouldn't hurt to see a therapist for yourself as well.

 

[love_God_alwaysandforever]

Thank you so much, Madison.
I talked with him, and he agreed that he will not buy them or bring them to our house if I agree not to ever again bring up the suject.
We have been married a couple years. I just felt like throwing in the towel because he is putting our family in danger because it is illegal and not regulated. If he needs something, he can go on medication.
I tried to get on here earlier to look, but he was here and awake, so I waited until he fell asleep. I did not want him to feel hurt or betrayed that I have gone here or to know that I was thinking about just packing my bags. If I were caught, he might shut himself down all the way. I also am using an alias, an extra login name I just registered as so that I can bring this more out into the open but in a way that I feel safe as well and like I'm not betraying my husband.
Our issues are many. I'm afraid one of his biggest issues is what happened to him when he was about 5, and that's just one of his memories that came up the year we married, a repressed memory of sex abuse, and he's not even sure it really happened. He has told me how he was treated if he cried and when he refused to eat when his family of birth was starving, and that has ceated problems as well. These are just the few things he has told me; it is difficult to say how much he has not told me, and maybe there are still yet many things he does not even remember. He tries to hold almost everything in, so getting him a counselor would probably be best.
Could someone tell me which way would be the best way to go: counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist, and so on? If one thought there was a problem he could not handle, would he refer my husband to someone else?
He has been really good with me recently. Before he became saved he acted the wild heathen and that has led to most of the marital issues between us that I am still getting over.
Other issues have to deal with deaths in the family, and my depression is probably an issue for him too. He has isolated himself from some of his former friends who were getting inbetween us (the details of these so-called freindships and what went on are probably not allowed in these forums), and just now, as I was typing that, I realize how much he loves me: enough to give up a few others and a few activities that were hurting our relationship. He talks about God, and tries sometimes to act as iron sharpening iron, but sometimes he still says curse words when he is on the phone with one of his friends.
I think I have always known something was different about me, but it wasn't until I was a teenager that I knew I was depressed. When I was a little older I had it confirmed. I can be difficult to live with because of it, but my husband is difficult for me to live with. We have different backgrounds. I was not as severely abused as him. I suffered from emotional issues because I felt rejected as a child. Maybe I was just too sensitive. I was also abused by school children and a mentally ill brother and mother, but the abuse he went through is something that appalls me. And he tells me he is sorry I went through what I did when I just want to rip apart the person or people who sex abused him and hurt him so bad.
He told me to pick out someone for him to talk to. All I have is the phone book. He has already used up his vacation days and has used some extra sick days. I would like for him to find some place to go to day treatment, but how do I find out about the closest places that offer daytime treatments and testing? I do not know which type of person he needs to talk with. And I do not know where else to go from here. Do I just take it from calling up numbers in the phone book and a phone book for the nearest big town? I think it would be easier for me to find help for myself than for him, I am afraid of messing things up. Do people ever heal completely from depression or worse, what he went through, over time?
Where are the AA classes?
Madison, could you tell what caused the problems that led to your recovery and others? Does severe abuse, especially sex abuse, lead to a person being a wild heathen until they become saved and still having to go through therapy? Again, thank you Madison. I feel less alone knowing that you and your child are in recovery. Maybe we could pray for each other.

 

[chilibowl]

What does it matter if your husband is smoking pot or being "medicated" by a doctor? either way he's under the influance of some kinda drug right? One is legal and one isn't.. but if pot were, would that make a difference? or would you still be upset? what if he were getting drunk to deal with his problem?

If your answers differ from question to question. your struggling more with a perception problem, rather an ethical one.. Preceptions can be changed.. so don't throw out the marriage with the bath water. you said in your post that you yourself struggled with depression right? are/were you taking any meds to help you with that? if you were then we can elimate your ethical dilima. Because "Medicated" is Medicated wether it's self inflicted or other wise.

Now dealing with one thing at a time, The pot useage is a problem, and is not something not to be swept under the rug and never spoken of again.. these things only get worse when you "Pretend" things are normal. The best thing for him is an accountablity partner right now.. I think meetings "NA" is alittle much for an occasional pot smoker.. "you kinda get the feeling from some of those meetings if you were smoking just pot things would be ok" But a good accountablity partner would keep him grounded in reality. Someone from church perferably (Not you) Someone he can have access to 7 days a week. some one respected by him.
I saw you trying to pin point a "root" cause in your husbands past for this "Need" of his.. Let me caution you on proceeding down this path with out professional supervision "Counsoler/doctor" because you may open up a can of soul eating worms that could send your husband into a devestating tail spin.. With out the correct tools to deal with these root behaivorial causes, or the proper format and supervision, anyone could be face to face with something they just aren't able to handle on there own.. So I strongly suggest some sort of consouling for him and some for the both of you together (The marriage).

To answer your question about your need for scripture..
I look at this like the parable of the servant who owed his master a great sum of money and couldn't pay.. and just as the master was casting his sentence the servant begged for mercy, and forgiveness.. It was granted, and the debt was completely cleared up! But the servant soon after his release, he saw a fellow servant who owed him a fraction of what the original servant owed the master.. He confronted him about what was due him and the fellow servant pleeded for mercy as he did, but none was shown, and the original servant had his fellow servant thrown into prision.. and when the master found out he was.. Mad to say the least...

How does this differ from us?

With our sins against God, compared to the sins of our spouces against us? the measure is but a fraction.. We Ask god over and over to forgive us.. alot of the time for the same stuff... And yet are we so bold to hold someone "Accountable" to us? when we have fallen so short? Who are we? Doesn't the person who sins against us first sin against god, then us.. and when repentance is in place from the guilty, does he not forgive? Then I ask again, Who am I? Who am I not to forgive a transgression against me when God not only forgives all my sin against him, but the sin that my partner sin against him first then me?

I've been where your at now and it's tough... and I'm not going to lie It's proably going to get a whole lot harder.. but don't despare because this is an awsome opertunity to grow in god! and to know him like only the broken among us can! Rejoice! in this trial and the lord of wonder and majesty will lift up your relationship with him!

Goodluck and Godbless!!