Much love Lily you have been struggling for so long, many of us know how deep the anguish goes. Yet there is hope Depression can be overcome as can anxiety. I don't know about P.T.S.D, still suffer there as well, but things can get so much better when we get good support and we learn to share our trauma with Jesus instead of blame Him, or think He doesn't care or doesn't exist, or worse He is going to throw you in hell, like I used to think to think all paradoxically opposed to each other working havoc within.
To overcome depression we need to pass our inability to Christ and ask for ability back and then onto the next inability until in all our depressive state we can stay in His loving truth then deepest depression is deepest good, hard to explain how Jesus makes our worst place our very best place even though depression rages. When I used to lie in the fetus position sucking my thumb or crying for mum, all manic or psychotic, I now lay in our Father's embrace all safely in His bosom. I can never tell you how special it is to be depressed like this now, my worst place is now my place of refuge.
I did this by banning all the lie depression used to sprout out in my face and only believed things when the Word of God read in love testified the same, not otherwise.
I cultivated good thoughts and feelings and banned bad ones and I raged my PTSD rages at satan, instead of God, myself or others. Such liberation that has been unbelievable. In all my wrong self I came out of hiding and went to Jesus for cleansing without lifting a finger to do anything about that myself apart of loving God and neighbour. A fiery trial that brought me unbelievable insight and ability to deal with my psychological problems and helped me live with my depression, rage, trauma memories, insomnia, anxiety/panic attacks, bi-polar and Schizophrenia in a way I could never before.
I highly recommend you seek out the living word. That is The Word of God living in your heart in the S(s)pirit of love, faith and hope. Cultivate Him and your inner desert will bloom within 3 1/2 years I promise to God that this will be so and a river of living waters will stream from underneath the Temple's altar. Be of very good courage.
My urgent advise is to get The Word of God into you, and ask God to cultivate love for Himself, you and others within your darkest desolation, for that is where you ought to start. At the worst place in your heart, where you suffer the very most - that is where you need to find Jesus Christ in your heart, you are first in line - for you shall be highly exalted and all your enemies will bow down before you and call you blessed - if you dare to let go of your wretched existence and let Jesus dress you in Newness instead.
Much love
The Beggar Of My Existence
Begging I lay beside the road, unable to get-up or move on.
Paralysed after a viscous assault when I was just a little kid
bloodied I stared at my wretched existence for many years.
Hope had gone, pain throbbing, hungry and thirsty, cold and alone,
the inner demons dragging me deeper and deeper down the drain,
helpless the wicked abused my life, robbing me of all my possessions.
Most of my life I lay there beside the road alone
I don't know how I survived my miserable existence,
by-passers often bashed me, blaming me for their hate.
At first I was raped night after night for years,
lately mainly tortured for cruel fun and cheap thrills,
oh yes, those wicked ones have been hurting me!
Not often have peels been part of my diet,
weeds, grass, rotten fruit and insects,
that's what I ate, such meagre meals.
I was skin over bones and smelled like sewage.
Walking dead, longing for an early ending.
I didn't feel worthy to carry the name human.
Suddenly I became aware of a pleasant aroma,
a beautifully perfumed visitor, a rich stranger,
he knelt beside beside me and took hold of me
I thought, maybe he'll give me something worthwhile,
I'd better ask quickly before he goes on his way,
normally the rich don't ever stop to talk to me!
Facing the visitor I croaked through parched lips,
please? I am unable to move and very hungry,
my last visitor abused me and I'm hurting bad,
could you spare me some food or money,
a sip of water, I'm so thirsty right now?
Expectantly I looked up into the man's eyes.
Chewing delicious bread I stared at the stranger,
the young wine had refreshed me completely
where did all this come from I wonder?
My taste-buds were in Heaven and so was I
I couldn't believe what I was hearing
I remember his lips pronounce the words;
"Shalom... Beloved...
..You're most welcome, my child," he said,
"Eat your fill, here, have another sip of wine,
your clothes are all worn, dirty and broken.
At home I have some new clean garments your size,
a warm bath and a place of safety and rest,
awaiting my dwelling-place high-up New Eden street."
That's what he said, and that's what he did for me!
Amazed I watched as out of nowhere servants arrived,
gently lifting me out of my grime and of the street,
carrying me along an all together different route,
right to the top of a most beautiful mountain hill,
halting before a mansion I didn't know could exist.
A doctor came and tended my wounds and sores
ointments soothing, smelling like fragrant herbs
a massage, gently, carefully rejuvenating me.
Years long ache disappearing, well-being arriving,
heaven on earth how could all this be for me,
when did I do anything to deserve this treatment?
A gentle knock on my door, as I lay sleeping
in a massive bedroom, adorned for royalty.
"You've been invited at The Feast tonight."
I recall this loving moment fleetingly pass by,
how lovely he looked standing there,
"and Dad said he likes to meet you as well."
I remember how confused I had been, Dad?
A party tonight, seeing Dad, who and what else?
Why is he looking after me so fantastically well?
My mind was in turmoil after all these events,
several hours ago I still lay dying in my filth,
and now..? now I was so alive and so fulfilled!
Gratitude arose like paradise restored within,
never before did I feel so much thankfulness,
I'd been rescued from a life of painful misery,
saved from the wretchedness of my existence,
restored to human dignity, loved and cared for,
deep down I knew Life had found me for good.
