Need Help!

[pinkieposies]

I really can't believe that I am actually doing this...But I really really need help.

I was sexually abused as a child, and I have always had issues with my sexual identity and self-esteem. Until about two years ago I have always known that I had feelings, sexual and emotional, for women. Shortly before I became a Christian I fell hopelessly in love with a girl that was my best friend for 5 years, and she reciprocated feelings for me. I no longer had any desire to be with a man for any reason. I felt for certain that I was a lesbian. But the situation fell apart; she didn't want to pursue those feelings or get involved in a sexual relationship with me because she herself was a struggling Christian. I felt rejected and then I felt this overwhelming desire to become "normal" and have a "normal" life. I told myself that I would get over these feelings, and that all I had to do to is find a good man to take care of it for me.

Now I am married. I have been married for only 9 months, and though I love him very much, and I wish with all of my heart that things could work out, I continue to have desires and fantasies about other women. I feel so horribly ashamed and guilty, and I just don't know what to do, or where to turn for help. I get so depressed and I feel so helpless. I am so ashamed that I cannot even pray anymore, and I dread going to church and talking to other Christians. I want to tell my husband, but I don't know anymore if that will even help me, and I don't want to hurt him.

What in the world am I supposed to do??? Are there any other married people who are struggling with homosexuality that I could talk to? Where can I find help?

.::Erin::.​

 

[Chajara]

It sounds like the homosexual tendencies are simply your cross to bear. We all have them, and they're here so we can learn and become better people.

It's good that you're getting all this off your chest. What I would do is try not to think of it as something so horrible. When you have fantasies of women, just think to yourself "Okay, here we go again. This has to stop. I WILL learn and benefit from this." and try to curb the thoughts, then drop it. Dwelling on it and feeling guilty won't get you anywhere. I had to do the same thing about my own problems with lust.

Good luck.

 

[Tealjackit]

I am straight,unmarried, and just a teenager.

But I think that you should be honest with your husband. By expressing the entirety of the situatoin and how it ails you, your husband can understand and help you through this. That is his duty as a husband. Though I don't know the marriage vows, I am sure it has something about husband and wife being there for each other. If any human should understand, it is him. Of course, he will probably be shocked.

This situation is enormous, I don't think you should feel guilty. I think that you need God's help to get through this, remember that God usually loves us and he's probably going to help us out when we ask for it.

Anyway, through honesty and prayer to God, I think that is the best solution to your situation. Seek those that can help you, don't be afraid to approach them. I think your husband is one of those people that can help. Some of these board members will probably reccomend u to go to a therapist. I think you should talk to your husband in full honesty before that, making sure he understands the entire situation and who you are.

 

[Vedant]

I really can't believe that I am actually doing this...But I really really need help.

I was sexually abused as a child, and I have always had issues with my sexual identity and self-esteem. Until about two years ago I have always known that I had feelings, sexual and emotional, for women. Shortly before I became a Christian I fell hopelessly in love with a girl that was my best friend for 5 years, and she reciprocated feelings for me. I no longer had any desire to be with a man for any reason. I felt for certain that I was a lesbian. But the situation fell apart; she didn't want to pursue those feelings or get involved in a sexual relationship with me because she herself was a struggling Christian. I felt rejected and then I felt this overwhelming desire to become "normal" and have a "normal" life. I told myself that I would get over these feelings, and that all I had to do to is find a good man to take care of it for me.

Now I am married. I have been married for only 9 months, and though I love him very much, and I wish with all of my heart that things could work out, I continue to have desires and fantasies about other women. Sometimes when we are having sex, the only thing I can do to really enjoy it is think about other women {and in particular, that girl, who I still have secret fantasies about}. I feel so horribly ashamed and guilty, and I just don't know what to do, or where to turn for help. I get so depressed and I feel so helpless. I am so ashamed that I cannot even pray anymore, and I dread going to church and talking to other Christians. I want to tell my husband, but I don't know anymore if that will even help me, and I don't want to hurt him.

What in the world am I supposed to do??? Are there any other married people who are struggling with homosexuality that I could talk to? Where can I find help?

.::Erin::.​

I'm so sorry. *hug*

Have you told your husband about this? At least about your past? With an issue like this, I don't think he'd get upset at you for it. He might get upset if you let it swell inside you and try to satisfy this desire. He most likely would help you if you told him you had these tendencies and wanted his help. I'm not married, so I don't know, but really it depends on how you think your husband would handle it. Go slowly and carefully about it, but be strong and steady.

*praying*

 

[Mr.Cheese]

*thinks*
First of all God loves you. Nothing can ever separate you from his love. I think shame is often a tool of the Enemy, used in order to drive a wedge between us and God.
Don't be too ashamed to cry out to God.

Beyond that...I don't think I know enough to know where to begin.
I can say with confidence that you should get some therapy. You're living with damage from your abuse. In what way that plays into your current struggles however is something I do not know. Do we consider this woman you mentioned as simply a person you fell in love with, or is it significant that she is a woman instead of a man?

 

[wblastyn]

This isn't the first time something like this has happened. Gay/Lesbians deny their feelings and end up marrying a member of the opposite gender to be "normal", but they end up being miserable because they are denying who they are and living a lie. Sometimes they have children, and when they can no longer deny themselves they divorce.

It's unfortunate that gays and lesbians feel the need to deny who they are because of the rejection from church and society - and this is what happens as a result. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you being married to a man whe you love women, but you may have to consider telling your husband the truth, which could lead to divorce. It's a difficult situation I'm afraid - either you stay with your husband and lie to him, while remaining miserable for the rest of your life or accept who you are, while causing temporary pain and hurt to both of you, but eventually getting over it and learning to live a well adjusted life.

Btw, there is no correlation between being abused and being homosexual - there are plenty of homosexuals who have not been abused, and plenty of straight people who have - they are not related, the fact that you were abused as a child is irrelevant re: your homosexuality.

 

[UnitynLove]

How to Handle Temptation



Temptation or giving in to temptation has been a serious problem down through the ages. And it is still a very real part of our lives today. Like it or not, we all have to deal with it. Most people may not really understand temptation and its purpose. In Luke 17:1, Jesus said, ...Temptations (snares, traps set to entice to sin) are sure to come.... Why must temptation come? To strengthen our faith, our spiritual muscles. If we never had to stand against temptation, we might never know our own spiritual strength. Facing temptations will bring out either the best or the worst in us and we need to know that information about ourselves.

Temptation comes in many forms. Too often we think of being tempted as being enticed to do big things like stealing, lying, murdering, or committing adultery. But most often we are tempted to be impatient, stingy, jealous, greedy, or any number of other things that we consider lesser sins. Satan strikes at our points of weakness. To develop spiritual strength, we must pass all kinds of tests and temptations both large and small. In Luke chapter 4, we find that Satan also tempted Jesus, hoping to find an area of weakness to invade. But Jesus stood strong and defeated the enemy. I believe God knew ahead of time that Jesus would pass the test. And I believe He has confidence that we will pass many of our tests also. So why do we have to go through these temptations? Sometimes God allows us to be tested because He's preparing us for promotion. Facing temptations increases our confidence in our ability to recognize and resist the lies of the enemy.

STAY ONE STEP AHEAD OF THE DEVIL

I believe that understanding temptation and aggressively resisting it is the only way to stay one step ahead of the devil. James 1:12 says, Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life...(KJV). To endure temptation means to go through trials without giving up...to outlast the devil. Enduring also means going through a time of temptation without letting it change your attitude or commitment. Jesus never treated people differently when He was being tempted, and when we have Christian maturity we can follow His example. Jesus understands exactly what we're facing in temptation. For we do not have a High Priest Who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation, but One Who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning (Hebrews 4:15). Sometimes we face temptations because of something in our lives that Jesus wants to bring to our attention so we can do something about it. He knows how important it is for us to know the truth about ourselves. Even though it may be painful to acknowledge that we are jealous, greedy, or prideful, if we will deal with it and overcome it, that truth will set us free. The only way you can have all that Jesus wants you to have is to be what He wants you to be. And that maturity comes in degrees. So be determined to resist the enemy and take authority over him. Trust and obey God, and rejoice in the promises found in Psalm 94:12,13: Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man whom You discipline and instruct, O Lord, and teach out of Your law, that You may give him power to keep himself calm in the days of adversity, until the [inevitable] pit of corruption is dug for the wicked. Through Christ you can remain steady in the storms of temptation.

DON'T IGNORE THE WARNINGS

For by the grace (unmerited favor of God) given to me I warn everyone among you not to estimate and think of himself more highly than he ought [not to have an exaggerated opinion of his own importance], but to rate his ability with sober judgment, each according to the degree of faith apportioned by God to him (Romans 12:3). God has chosen many anointed preachers to give us warnings and instructions about how to handle certain situations we may face. We usually don't like it when someone tells us that we're headed for trouble unless we change our direction. We mistakenly believe that the preacher should encourage us when we attend church or do good things and certainly that is true. However, our spiritual leader is responsible for exhorting or warning us about impending dangers. One thing that draws us into temptation is thinking too highly of ourselves...trusting ourselves too much. This is an attitude planted by the enemy, but 1 Corinthians 10:12 warns, Therefore let anyone who thinks he stands [who feels sure that he has a steadfast mind and is standing firm], take heed lest he fall [into sin]. We need to realize that Satan tempts us to do evil, but God tempts us to do good. God says, ...I have set before you life and death ...therefore choose life... (Deuteronomy 30:19). And in John 10:10 we're told, The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows). Blessed (happy, fortunate, prosperous, and enviable) is the man who walks and lives not in the counsel of the ungodly [following their advice, their plans and purposes], nor stands [submissive and inactive] in the path where sinners walk, nor sits down [to relax and rest] where the scornful [and the mockers] gather (Psalm 1:1). The Bible warns us about thinking we can hang out with a bunch of ungodly people and not be affected. Pride causes people to ignore warnings they think they won't be the ones to get caught. But this prideful attitude has caused many wrecked lives. We must choose to separate ourselves from people who would poison our temple and be determined to gain all the spiritual knowledge that is available to us today. God is trying to save our lives. He wants to strengthen us so that no matter what happens in these last days, we'll be preserved and protected under His covering.

RESIST TEMPTATION AND WIN THE BATTLE

I believe we tend to get too much of our information from the world instead of listening to the inside information that is available to us. We need Holy Ghost information and it's an inside thing. There's a war going on between God and the devil for the use of your soul. ...the desires of the flesh are opposed to the [Holy] Spirit, and the [desires of the] Spirit are opposed to the flesh (godless human nature); for these are antagonistic to each other [continually withstanding and in conflict with each other], so that you are not free but are prevented from doing what you desire to do (Galatians 5:17). Temptation is not a once in a while thing-we have to deal with it day in and day out. But God has provided us with tools to fight the battle: (...the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God... (2 Corinthians 10:4,5 KJV). These verses indicate that we need to keep increasing our knowledge of the things of God if we are to stay ahead of the devil and win the war. Sometimes we try to make Christianity too complicated. We think we have to follow certain formulas to stay out of trouble. But Psalm 37:3 says, Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) in the Lord and do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed. This verse makes it pretty simple we are to trust God and do good. That's it!

So often God prompts (tempts) us to do something good, and immediately Satan attacks our mind and gets us to begin reasoning it out. When we fall for that, Satan steals from us the opportunity to do good and be blessed. It seems that we're better at resisting the temptation to do right than we are at resisting the temptation to do wrong. It is time to give in to God's temptations He will never guide you wrong. James 4:7 says, ...be subject to God. Resist the devil [stand firm against him], and he will flee from you. It's a two-fold thing. You cannot resist the devil without submitting to God...and you can't submit to God without resisting the devil. Ephesians 5:18 tells us to ...ever be filled ...with the [Holy] Spirit. When you are full of the Spirit, you can drive the spirit of depression out of your house before it attaches itself to you. But never forget that you're in a war and that you must use the tools God has given you to fight and resist the devil. Get a grip and face reality the devil is alive and well. He wants to steal everything you have, but through the Spirit of God, you can resist the devil and win the battle! But now since you have been set free from sin and have become the slaves of God, you have your present reward in holiness and its end is eternal life (Romans 6:22). When we serve God, we receive the reward of holiness. That doesn't mean we will do everything right. I still have my share of mess-ups, but I am so happy and peaceful. I love my husband, and although he still does some of the things that used to drive me crazy, they don't bother me at all anymore. I am enjoying the benefits of a holy life, and I'm peaceful and fulfilled.

THE HIGH COST OF LOW LIVING Satan tempts us to live a low life, but God tempts us to come up higher. One of the worst mistakes we can make is to get complacent, thinking that what we have right now is okay. A little mindset holds us back because God can only do through us what we believe for. Be careful that you don't get in an okay place spiritually. I don't want to be average because I don't serve an average God. God is a God of excellence, and I want to follow His example. Matthew 16:25,26 says, For whoever is bent on saving his [temporal] life [his comfort and security here] shall lose it [eternal life]; and whoever loses his life [his comfort and security here] for My sake shall find it [life everlasting]. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his life [his blessed life in the kingdom of God]? Or what would a man give as an exchange for his [blessed] life [in the kingdom of God]? Low living has a high cost. Nothing is worth giving up the wonderful, peaceful, joyful, righteous, holy life here on earth and the promise of eternity in heaven. If your name is written in the Lamb's Book of Life, yet you spend your life resisting the will of God and living according to your mind, will, and emotions instead of operating in the mind of Christ, you are living the low life. God wants you to be blessed, but He doesn't want you trying to provide it for yourself. He doesn't want you to seek things or put things ahead of Him. He tells us in Matthew 6:33, ...seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you (KJV). So know yourself and know your problems. Recognize your strengths and ask God to take care of your weaknesses. Blessed (happy, to be envied) is the man who is patient under trial and stands up under temptation, for when he has stood the test and been approved, he will receive [the victor's] crown of life which God has promised to those who love Him (James 1:12).

 

[ChildOfGod20]

first of all these feelings that you are having are not normal, regardless of what any secular psychologist will tell you. it's awful that you have them because i can see that you want them to go away so that they don't affect your marriage. if i were you i would see a christian counselor. don't be ashamed to talk to them about. they are there to help people with problems like this. and definitely pray because God wants to know that you trust Him to help you out of this.

 

[anointedtruth]

I agree that you should talk to your husband. He is your helpmate and there to share with you all parts of your life not just the ones that you think are better for him to know about. Also, you both may want to go to pastoral counseling if you both feel that this may be something that you may need help in dealing with. You said you really loved him and I don't get the idea you're ready to quit the marriage. Now may be the time to face those past hurts, bring them to the surface, deal with them, and move into a better life for you and your husband.

In addition, in times like these when you want these thoughts to go away, don't stop praying... keep praying. God will never lead you wrong. Walk in faith in His Word. Fight for what you really want out of life.

May the peace of God be with you.

 

[pinkieposies]

Thank you for your replies everyone, and your warm words and prayers. I do appreciate it very much, and it is very comforting to know that I don't have to be perfect to be a Christian {or for God to forgive me or help me through this for that matter}.

I did end up talking to my husband about everything; he was as patient and understanding as any person could be in this situation {he certainly doesn't want a divorce or anything like that}. We are working on this issue together now, which seems very small now compared to the much bigger problems that have really been behind it {and contributing to the recent exaggeration of it; such as some very serious depression lately}.

I do realize that my fantasies about being with a woman {or with the one that I became involved with, who was incidently the only woman whom I have ever felt loved and accepted by} are simply sexualized versions of very real and legitimate emotional desires. I am working on "desexualizing" these needs and trying to find ways that I can satisfy them, or redirect them, in ways that will be more constructive towards my relationship with my husband.

I am doing my best to pray as often as I can, though I do admit that it has not been easy...I would still appreciate any further advice...and your continued prayers. Thank you again everyone.

.::Erin::.​