Need help interperting something

[Nilloc]

Sorry to bump this, but I just had a question and there was no point in starting a new thread.

So I got two days of school this semester (plus one day for an exam). My counselor had encouraged me to still try and be friends with Hannah. I tried to do this and had some success. We'd talk sometimes before class and such, but never went any further than that. I'm not sure what it was, but we haven't said anything to each other in the last few weeks. She doesn't seem all that interested in being friends, so should I even try to talk to her again? Like I said, we only got three days left, it's been weeks since we talked, and all our talks before that were relatively brief. Not to mention it'd be really awkward just randomly talking to her after weeks of silence and I'll probably never see her after this semester anyway.

 

[Blank123]

well, my question would be are you wanting to pursue a friendship for the friendship itself, or is there still a part of you hoping for more?

if you're looking for only a friendship, I think it'd be a little odd to ask an engaged woman to do something one on one, but I'd say tell her you'd like to get a group of friends together to do something. Maybe plan some big end of semester thing. And then leave the ball in her court. If she says no, then let things drop. There are other people you can be friends with.

if you're hoping for more, then nope. I wouldn't suggest talking to her again.

 

[Nilloc]

well, my question would be are you wanting to pursue a friendship for the friendship itself, or is there still a part of you hoping for more?

if you're looking for only a friendship, I think it'd be a little odd to ask an engaged woman to do something one on one, but I'd say tell her you'd like to get a group of friends together to do something. Maybe plan some big end of semester thing. And then leave the ball in her court. If she says no, then let things drop. There are other people you can be friends with.

if you're hoping for more, then nope. I wouldn't suggest talking to her again.

No worries. This is just for the friendship itself. I promise. I talked to her for weeks after finding out she was engaged and things were fine. I didn't necessarily want to do something one on one, just stay in contact, but like i said, she never seemed to want to talk outside of class (even if just in the lounge). It's a community college, so I don't think we'll have a end of the semester celebration and if we are, I haven't heard. I don't have any friends at the school, so that wouldn't work I'm afraid. And like I said, even just saying hi would seem awkward now.

 

[Blank123]

hm, well if saying "hi" is awkward, then it sounds to me like the friendship has already run its course. Its always possible you could be over-analyzing as well. I know I've done that before.

 

[Rhye]

If she isn't putting effort she doesn't want a friendship.

 

[Nilloc]

hm, well if saying "hi" is awkward, then it sounds to me like the friendship has already run its course. Its always possible you could be over-analyzing as well. I know I've done that before.

I over-analyze everything. Everything. So that could be. It would be awkward for me, but who knows what she would think.

 

[toastface_grillah]

No worries. This is just for the friendship itself. I promise. I talked to her for weeks after finding out she was engaged and things were fine. I didn't necessarily want to do something one on one, just stay in contact, but like i said, she never seemed to want to talk outside of class (even if just in the lounge). It's a community college, so I don't think we'll have a end of the semester celebration and if we are, I haven't heard. I don't have any friends at the school, so that wouldn't work I'm afraid. And like I said, even just saying hi would seem awkward now.

No friends? Why not? (curious)

 

[Nilloc]

No friends? Why not? (curious)

I'm a reserved person and don't make friends easily.

 

[Nilloc]

She wasn't in school Tuesday and came in late yesterday. We had work to do the whole time, so I didn't even have a chance to say anything. Our exam is next Thursday, where once again I won't have a chance to talk. So like I said before, it was all for nothing.

Regardless, thanks for everyone's help and advice.

 

[toastface_grillah]

I'm a reserved person and don't make friends easily.

I totally understand that. Hopefully next semester'll be better. Even if this is a commuter school, they must have clubs, student government, etc; and they'll be dying to have people step up and get involved.

 

[Nilloc]

I totally understand that. Hopefully next semester'll be better. Even if this is a commuter school, they must have clubs, student government, etc; and they'll be dying to have people step up and get involved.

I'm really not the kind of person who 'steps up.' And I'm not all that good in social situations anyway (which I'm sure I mentioned earlier on this thread). Most people never seemed to be interested in having a friendship anyway. I talk with some people, but it always feels like we're just talking to take up time, not cause we enjoy the other person's company.

 

[Paulie079]

I'm really not the kind of person who 'steps up.' And I'm not all that good in social situations anyway (which I'm sure I mentioned earlier on this thread). Most people never seemed to be interested in having a friendship anyway. I talk with some people, but it always feels like we're just talking to take up time, not cause we enjoy the other person's company.

I think it would help if you changed your outlook a bit. What if your goal wasn't to make friends necessarily (this goal seems to focus more on yourself than other people), but simply learn more about other people. If you can learn how to ask questions and if you can really sincerely care about a person to where you're sincerely interested in hearing their answers and learning more about them, you're going to get to know a lot more people more quickly. But if your mindset is, "Why won't they just be friends with me already?" that isn't going to be very helpful.

College is one of the easiest times to ask questions to get to know a person too. Also, I know this is really, really uncomfortable because I'm an introvert and have these moments myself, but there is absolutely nothing weird about turning to a person, offering a handshake to them, and saying, "Hey, my name is Collin." Then there are all sorts of questions you can ask...

What year are you?
What's your major? or What are you studying?
How did you become interested in that?
How has the semester been for you so far?
If there was a break from school or finals recently, or a break or finals coming up...
How was your break?
How did your finals go? Were any of them hard?
What are you plans for break?
Do you have any tough finals next week?

Any of those questions could produce answers that would lead to more questions you can ask too. You just have to get good at asking questions and getting to know people. But it's going to be really lame and rehearsed unless you choose to really care about them. If you stop worrying about yourself and care about them, that will go a long way.

 

[Nilloc]

What if your goal wasn't to make friends necessarily (this goal seems to focus more on yourself than other people), but simply learn more about other people.

Sometimes it’s one, sometimes it’s the other I suppose.

But if your mindset is, "Why won't they just be friends with me already?" that isn't going to be very helpful.

I find that when I do have that mindset, I often ask it out of curiosity. I wonder it even if I’ve been talking for some time with someone I wouldn’t care to be friends with. The last time I made a friend that wasn’t over the internet was years ago, so what goes into the “friendship process” fascinates me. It’s not so much a selfish mindset (though I guess in some instances it is), rather, what causes people to want to be friends in the first place.

Then there are all sorts of questions you can ask...

No one just randomly turned to me and asked these questions. I took that as queue that I shouldn’t either and that it would be improper to do so. I can’t remember if I said this earlier or not, but most people at my school aren’t interested to being friends or talking. They’re there to do their work and leave. And trust me, I know, because that’s exactly what I did in high school.

But it's going to be really lame and rehearsed unless you choose to really care about them.

Pretty sure that’s impossible to do.

 

[Paulie079]

No one just randomly turned to me and asked these questions. I took that as queue that I shouldn’t either and that it would be improper to do so. I can’t remember if I said this earlier or not, but most people at my school aren’t interested to being friends or talking. They’re there to do their work and leave. And trust me, I know, because that’s exactly what I did in high school.

I've had a lot of friendships start just because either I or the other person took the initiative to ask those questions, so that's what I would challenge you with. Try to move against the grain of your introversion and take the initiative to get to know someone instead of waiting for them start the conversation. I know it's hard, but just give it a try.

Also, I would suggest getting involved with a campus ministry. That's a really, really good way to get to know people because meeting new people happens literally all the time in that kind of setting. I can see how people are more about the business of getting in and out of class, but something extracurricular like that would really help. You'll also find more people, especially in a campus ministry setting, that will take the initiative to get to know you.

Pretty sure that’s impossible to do.

It's really not if you have the right basis for caring about them.

 

[Neve]

Nevermind...skimmed through the thread!

 

[Nilloc]

I've had a lot of friendships start just because either I or the other person took the initiative to ask those questions, so that's what I would challenge you with. Try to move against the grain of your introversion and take the initiative to get to know someone instead of waiting for them start the conversation. I know it's hard, but just give it a try.

Whenever I've done it in the past people will just say what ever is necessary and end the conversation as quickly as possible.

Also, I would suggest getting involved with a campus ministry. That's a really, really good way to get to know people because meeting new people happens literally all the time in that kind of setting. I can see how people are more about the business of getting in and out of class, but something extracurricular like that would really help. You'll also find more people, especially in a campus ministry setting, that will take the initiative to get to know you.

They don't really do that at my school. I've seen a list of the supposed clubs on the school website, but it's somewhat outdated and there's never anything about it on the school bulletin board. Like I said, people aren't there to socialize. They're there to do their work, keep their heads down, and leave. I went to this one activity thing they did about a month and half ago. They were expecting fifteen people and only four other people besides me showed up (and one of them left half way through).

It's really not if you have the right basis for caring about them.

I don't see how you can choose to care about someone in the sense you're suppose to care about a friend. Either you like them or you don't.