Need help! He snaps..

[KGirl]

Ok, my husband snaps at me. I know it's considered "normal", but I can't handle it. I can't say I've never done it though, but I don't think there's ever a reason to snap.
But it can be about something little. Say I ask that he be more affectionate. He thinks I'm totally selfish. I don't know how to explain that I'm not that selfish? The main reason why he thinks I'm being selfish is bc we have a friend going through alot of bad problems. He gave her a hug, but didn't give me one when I asked him. He said he was tired. He said he was too tired to generally think, and do two things at once. I don't see that? I can't get a two second hug because he's tired? Of course I care about her, but I also care about him, and if I want him and I to be close. Everytime I bring something up I'd like him to try to do to help us be closer, he's resentful.

Let me add how I still don't think he should snap, even if I am being selfish. Love should be patient and kind. Quick to excuse.
Is he being selfish, or am I?

And how the heck could I get him to understand?? He excuses his wrong actions all the time. He says "I did this because you did that". There's no way to get through to him when he's like that. I end up looking bad no matter what. I can't take this. It's Valentine's Day, and I'm feeling hurt. I'm trying to not be resentful.

Is it that I'm bringing stuff up at bad times? Say when he's tired, or around people. Is it really my fault? I know it's not my fault if he snaps whatnot.

I don't know what the heck to do. I'm going nuts.

 

[searle29678]

Let it go....don't put so much emphasis on small things like that. Were you upset that he hugged the girl or upset that he didn't hug you? I have found that the small things aren't weren't worth sweating and it can come off as selfishness. You are kind of doing the same thing to him that you feel he is doing to you. In order to get a reaction that you want from him, you have to try to have those same qualities within yourself.

Everytime I bring something up I'd like him to try to do to help us be closer, he's resentful.

Why don't you just go ahead and do those things. If you want him to hug you, why not just go hug him instead of "fussing" that he didn't initiate the action.

Let me add how I still don't think he should snap, even if I am being selfish. Love should be patient and kind. Quick to excuse.
Is he being selfish, or am I?

Quick to excuse...instead of asking him "Why didn't you hug me?" , once again hug him. Tell him how nice it was of him to be thoughtful of a hurt friends needs. I'm not saying overlook him cheating, or lying, etc...but overlook the small things. Next time you want to bring something up think "Will this matter in twenty years?" The fact that he did not do "X" at "X" time, is it really gonna make you not love him in the long run? Does he not show any affection to you ever? Or are you picking apart his every action?

Is it that I'm bringing stuff up at bad times? Say when he's tired, or around people. Is it really my fault? I know it's not my fault if he snaps whatnot.

There isn't a bad time to bring up something that truly hurts your feelings. I'm not trying to excuse your feelings, it just sounds like (in my opinion) that you are slightly insecure in your relationship and with yourself. Are you looking for affection or reassurance? It's not your fault that he snaps, there is no excuse. Maybe you could ask him to be completely honest and tell you what it is you are doing that bothers him so much. Maybe he feels tired telling you all the time that everything is ok, etc...
I'm not trying to be rude, and these are all just opinions, but I was you at one time. Everything my husband did had an ulterior motive, no reason was good enough because he obviously meant this other thing. If I couldn't understand it, it wasn't so. My suggestion is just initiate everything. If he snaps, smile and give him a kiss. It sounds dopey and corny, but for me it worked. I don't know your full situation and I don't know your husband, but it sounds like he may just be agitated. Is he stressed out from work? Is something going on that would cause him to be stressed? Once again, I don't know the full situation so I don't know if the situation or your husband's behavior is as bad as you feel it is.

 

[KGirl]

Hmph. I'm right!!! jk.
I see your point. It can be hard for us humans to do the right thing first lol.

 

[searle29678]

Dang right it can! In a way you are kind of caught up in the "since you aren't gonna...I'm not gonna...." It may seem like more work, but being the first one to "be nice" is a lot more rewarding than it sounds. I can't think of anymore advice, but I'm sure someone can help more than I did. Good luck with it all!

 

[KGirl]

Thanks so much!

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Normal to be snappy?

 

[LiberatedChick]

Dang right it can! In a way you are kind of caught up in the "since you aren't gonna...I'm not gonna...." It may seem like more work, but being the first one to "be nice" is a lot more rewarding than it sounds. I can't think of anymore advice, but I'm sure someone can help more than I did. Good luck with it all!

I've nothing to add, except to say you practically took the words out of my mouth I've always believed in treating people how I wish them to treat me. The reason for that is simple...if I'm nice to someone, then it's likely they'll be nice to me. So initiate the niceness If you start it then it's highly likely that he'll return the same feelings and gestures.

 

[Southern Cross]

Not sure this will help KGirl, but I can get snappy at times. And it's usually when I'm tired and hungry. I'm not that way all the time, it just happens once in a long while. I'm usually a sleepy kind of affectionate when I'm wiped out. But I'm not sure why, maybe it's a blood sugar thing or something, but my patience just goes right out the window once in a while and I *really* snap if I'm not careful. Especially if I'm pushed. I'm not by nature a loud person, I'm pretty quiet and would rather talk out problems. Anyway, I've learned to recognize when I'm tired and in a bad mood, and I missed eating that day, so I'll stop by a restaurant before I get home for something light. Or at least now, it's before I see my kids as we're separated. But it still works wonders!

So maybe he's hungry and tired and just needs you to walk up and give him a big hug, get something in his tummy, and let him wind down for a few minutes. Let the little stuff go, do the best you can, and then raise the subject again on another day when he's more willing to talk about it.

 

[newcreature]

Ok, my husband snaps at me. I know it's considered "normal", but I can't handle it. I can't say I've never done it though, but I don't think there's ever a reason to snap.
But it can be about something little. Say I ask that he be more affectionate. He thinks I'm totally selfish. I don't know how to explain that I'm not that selfish? The main reason why he thinks I'm being selfish is bc we have a friend going through alot of bad problems. He gave her a hug, but didn't give me one when I asked him. He said he was tired. He said he was too tired to generally think, and do two things at once. I don't see that? I can't get a two second hug because he's tired? Of course I care about her, but I also care about him, and if I want him and I to be close. Everytime I bring something up I'd like him to try to do to help us be closer, he's resentful.

Let me add how I still don't think he should snap, even if I am being selfish. Love should be patient and kind. Quick to excuse.
Is he being selfish, or am I?

And how the heck could I get him to understand?? He excuses his wrong actions all the time. He says "I did this because you did that". There's no way to get through to him when he's like that. I end up looking bad no matter what. I can't take this. It's Valentine's Day, and I'm feeling hurt. I'm trying to not be resentful.

Is it that I'm bringing stuff up at bad times? Say when he's tired, or around people. Is it really my fault? I know it's not my fault if he snaps whatnot.

I don't know what the heck to do. I'm going nuts.

I was in a relationship where it always seemed to be me that was the problem. If I wanted affection, it was on his terms. If I wanted to speak about an issue, he had to initiate the conversation. I felt lost and alone. I said all that to say this, I have been where you are. The only advice i can give you is to pray, and seek support from friends or family that can give you an unbiased opinion. From what you have spoken of, it does not seem that it is your fault.
Have a couple of questions for you. What in his life could be causing the distance between the both of you? Do you have children? If so, that can be a major stressor in a couples life. Do you get to have a date night once a week, or once every other week? I have found date nights with my husband to be very beneficial. It is a great time for us to be able to reconnect. Just curious. Hope all the wrinkles in your life work out. My prayers are with you.

 

[E_Powers]

I can snap. pretty bad , (alot less often,and severe since i rededicated my life to christ). I know it is not right and wish i didnt do it at all. but i know i will never hit my wife. that said, it still scares my wife to thinking that it could eccolate to hitting.

that is the danger with anger snaps one person maybe able to control it but not everyone. being able to control it dont make it right because of the verbal part of it foir the tounge is a wicked organ.

 

[heartnsoul]

All the advice given here has been great! Do *your* best to make the relationship a happy one. Your focus seems to be on what your husband is doing rather than on what *you* are doing. It's easy to always point the finger at others while never looking in the mirror. Affection is something everyone longs for. And you're right, it should come from your husband. Like others have said, if he's not hugging you and you want a hug, go and hug him. If you want a kiss, go kiss him. Men can't read us women's minds. We want them to, but women and men are just wired so differently.

Furthermore, it sounds like you are trying to get some of your emotional needs and insecurities met from your husband. Your security needs to come from God. God (alone) can fill the emptiness you feel and be your security. Human beings will sometimes disappoint us, so it's best to put your security in God because He will never let us down.

I pray that God romances your heart and overfills your soul with his eternal love and passion so that you will find your security in Him. May God open your husband's heart to love more and snap less. God bless both of you.

 

[bliz]

There is no reasons for him to snap at you all the time. None. Sure, all of us snap at our loved ones from time to time, but as a general pattern? No. That is not acceptable. I cannot imagine my husband refusing to give me a hug or me refusing to give him one. Never.

At the same time, if you are bringing up concerns like this all the time, it will drive even the most loving husband up the wall. You have every right to bring it up and ask for better treatment, but you are unlikely to be sucessful if you do it all the time.

People get terse with one another and snap for a wide variety of reasons - fatigue, impatience, guilt, annoyance, hunger... Perhaps there's a pattern.

 

[InTheFlame]

Two lessons I've learnt so far in marriage...

One, I'm like Southern Cross. Get me tired and/or hungry and I am FOUL. I'm learning to keep my blood sugar levels stable or, failing that, recognise a bad mood for what it is and keep my mouth firmly clamped shut until I've got some food (and maybe coffee) to shovel into it.

Two, don't talk about anything important with hubby unless he's well-rested, well-fed, emotionally stable and comfortable. Otherwise he's liable to fall asleep while I'm talking, walk off in the middle of a conversation (without realising what he's done) or argue over some little point and completely miss the whole issue. If he brings up something important with ME at the wrong time... well, bite marks heal, right? We time our discussions fairly carefully, and we'll generally ASK the other person if the particular moment is a good time for an in-depth talk, even if we've scheduled it.

It does sound as though you and your husband are stuck playing the blame game. It could be that he has a serious problem with taking responsibility for his own actions, or it could just be that you're each focused on the other person's failures rather than their successes. It's an easy trap to fall into, and I think it's a marriage-destroying one. A trick I learnt from a dog-training book is to catch a person doing something right and thank them for it, rather than focusing on the negatives. Amazing where life's lessons can come from, isn't it?

 

[Shok]

Guys get snappy. I get snappy when I'm upset or mad about something. It can last for days sometimes. It really isn't fair to my wife but she is patient and forgiving.

He could be jealous, feel neglected, feel like he's taken for granted, etc... who knows. Perhaps he wants the very thing your asking for. Shower him with affection and maybe you can get him to talk about what he's feeling.

Shok

 

[KGirl]

He apologized! Yay!

 

[InTheFlame]

... so now what?

 

[KGirl]

Now, onto my wonderful new post "Great V-Day... erm". To see the new issues about him.

 

[RedTulipMom]

lol..until i got to about the 4th post in the thread i was thinking "he snaps" was him snapping his fingers..and trying to figure out WHY he kept snapping...lol..what a visual..i was so confused..i get it now..duh
karen

 

[KGirl]

Lol that just cracked me up.

 

[super_mog]

That's the thing with my wife. I intiate and she's not responsive. After awhile, it get very discouraging. Then, when she's tries to act loving, I don't have anything left in the tank.