It started in 2014. We met on FB. I'm a Christian but she wasn't. At that time though, it didn't really bother me since I was still in my late teens. Anyways, It was a long distance relationship (she lived about 3 and a half hours away). The more I talked to her, the more I fell in love with her. She quickly became everything to me. We'd watch movies on Skype, etc etc, the typical of a relationship that's long distance.
The problem with me is I have really bad anxiety and stress easily. The longer we were in a relationship, I started getting jealous and really clingy and started to fear that she wouldn't love me anymore. I knew it was a problem and that caused stress even more because I tried my best to make the feelings stop. The long distance is what really messed me up. There are a lot of details and I could type for hours but to make this part short, I never got to go and see her if anyone was wondering. In 2016, things were going relatively well. But my stress and anxiety got to me in March and she got fed up with it. I'd always right long paragraphs of how much she meant to me all the time and I know she was getting tired of it. I hated it too because there was no reason for it at the amount i was doing it but it came down to again of my fear of losing her. One day in March we got into an argument.
Early that month she said I could come down and see her in the summer. So when I asked her again a little after our argument, she said no. At this point my anxiety and stress was too much to the point where I said I couldn't do this anymore and we broke up. She didn't want to be with me anymore but at the time, I regret saying that and wanted her back. It was in the middle of July and I don't remember what happened but I just broke down and started crying and pleading to God that all I wanted was to have her back. I didn't think it would happen but two weeks later, I wake up to a message on Facebook of her apologizing for the way she acted towards me, as she said some things that she knew would bother me after we broke up. When she messaged me, I couldn't have been happier. I can't now even explain the happiness that she brought me. This was all still in 2016.
We were talking again and she started sending pics of herself (just the face) to me and I felt this weird feeling for about 5 minutes. The only way I can explain it was God telling me that I shouldn't do this. The feeling eventually went away as I did fight it. I forgot to mention, during our breakup, I got a lot closer to God. I instantly went to Him for comfort and it helped me out except for the fact that I feel like my mind is cursed with not being able to stop thinking about her. Ill get more to that at the end. We started dating again, and it lasted until September of 2016. I knew that being with her was wrong because she wasn't a Christian and she wanted nothing to do with it, even when i tried talking to her about it. So during the month and a half longer we were together, I kept feeling this guilt creep up now and again. It got to the point again where the stress and anxiety kicked full notch. And then one day she wasn't answering my messages even though she was there. All the stress, anxiety and guilt manifested into a ball of something I can't explain and I sent her a message saying I couldn't do it anymore with reasoning's, etc.
As I said before, there are a lot of other details that I haven't mentioned because it would be harder to explain via text and we'd be here for a long time. You may have noticed I kept mentioning the year. See the problem is that it's 2019 and I still can't get over her. I think about her everyday. Every single day. Some days are better than others. It's almost like depression. Some days you don't feel as crappy, and others, it's unbearable. This is how it is for me. I love this girl beyond my own comprehension but I just want it to stop. I feel like I'm a psychopath because I can't let her go. There's a part of me that doesn't want to let her go. And it's destroying me. I feel like when sometimes I stray a little far from God, the thoughts of her come back full force than other days when I can deal with it. I don't want her back because she isn't a Christian. But I don't want to let her go because I love her so much. I don't know if this will sound messed up but she is the only thing that still makes me cry if I think about it too deep. Not even my moms death makes me cry. I don't understand it. In my head, I'd obviously love it if she got Saved. I feel like I can't find anyone else because I can't get over her. It has broken my heart so much and it has killed me to type all of this but I need help. It's so hard to do this everyday when everything reminds me of her. I feel like my own mind is screwing me because it won't let me be free from this nightmare. I've never cried more in my life than this. If I saw a picture of her, It would make my stomach hurt and my heart rate increase so It's not just emotional. Just before typing this, I had to use the bathroom because it made my stomach hurt so much. I feel like a lunatic because it's been 3 years and I still can't let her go. I can't and I don't want to but I have to and I need so much help. I can't believe one person could have this affect on me. I just want this pain to stop.
The problem with me is I have really bad anxiety and stress easily. The longer we were in a relationship, I started getting jealous and really clingy and started to fear that she wouldn't love me anymore. I knew it was a problem and that caused stress even more because I tried my best to make the feelings stop. The long distance is what really messed me up. There are a lot of details and I could type for hours but to make this part short, I never got to go and see her if anyone was wondering. In 2016, things were going relatively well. But my stress and anxiety got to me in March and she got fed up with it. I'd always right long paragraphs of how much she meant to me all the time and I know she was getting tired of it. I hated it too because there was no reason for it at the amount i was doing it but it came down to again of my fear of losing her. One day in March we got into an argument.
Early that month she said I could come down and see her in the summer. So when I asked her again a little after our argument, she said no. At this point my anxiety and stress was too much to the point where I said I couldn't do this anymore and we broke up. She didn't want to be with me anymore but at the time, I regret saying that and wanted her back. It was in the middle of July and I don't remember what happened but I just broke down and started crying and pleading to God that all I wanted was to have her back. I didn't think it would happen but two weeks later, I wake up to a message on Facebook of her apologizing for the way she acted towards me, as she said some things that she knew would bother me after we broke up. When she messaged me, I couldn't have been happier. I can't now even explain the happiness that she brought me. This was all still in 2016.
We were talking again and she started sending pics of herself (just the face) to me and I felt this weird feeling for about 5 minutes. The only way I can explain it was God telling me that I shouldn't do this. The feeling eventually went away as I did fight it. I forgot to mention, during our breakup, I got a lot closer to God. I instantly went to Him for comfort and it helped me out except for the fact that I feel like my mind is cursed with not being able to stop thinking about her. Ill get more to that at the end. We started dating again, and it lasted until September of 2016. I knew that being with her was wrong because she wasn't a Christian and she wanted nothing to do with it, even when i tried talking to her about it. So during the month and a half longer we were together, I kept feeling this guilt creep up now and again. It got to the point again where the stress and anxiety kicked full notch. And then one day she wasn't answering my messages even though she was there. All the stress, anxiety and guilt manifested into a ball of something I can't explain and I sent her a message saying I couldn't do it anymore with reasoning's, etc.
As I said before, there are a lot of other details that I haven't mentioned because it would be harder to explain via text and we'd be here for a long time. You may have noticed I kept mentioning the year. See the problem is that it's 2019 and I still can't get over her. I think about her everyday. Every single day. Some days are better than others. It's almost like depression. Some days you don't feel as crappy, and others, it's unbearable. This is how it is for me. I love this girl beyond my own comprehension but I just want it to stop. I feel like I'm a psychopath because I can't let her go. There's a part of me that doesn't want to let her go. And it's destroying me. I feel like when sometimes I stray a little far from God, the thoughts of her come back full force than other days when I can deal with it. I don't want her back because she isn't a Christian. But I don't want to let her go because I love her so much. I don't know if this will sound messed up but she is the only thing that still makes me cry if I think about it too deep. Not even my moms death makes me cry. I don't understand it. In my head, I'd obviously love it if she got Saved. I feel like I can't find anyone else because I can't get over her. It has broken my heart so much and it has killed me to type all of this but I need help. It's so hard to do this everyday when everything reminds me of her. I feel like my own mind is screwing me because it won't let me be free from this nightmare. I've never cried more in my life than this. If I saw a picture of her, It would make my stomach hurt and my heart rate increase so It's not just emotional. Just before typing this, I had to use the bathroom because it made my stomach hurt so much. I feel like a lunatic because it's been 3 years and I still can't let her go. I can't and I don't want to but I have to and I need so much help. I can't believe one person could have this affect on me. I just want this pain to stop.