Its actually a very good thing he didn't read that book. That may be the WORST book he could read.I've asked him to read books with me (like Love and Respect
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Its actually a very good thing he didn't read that book. That may be the WORST book he could read.I've asked him to read books with me (like Love and Respect
I think with me he just gets lazy in how we interact and figures I'll get over it etc.
Which, to me, that just means that at home he's being his true self (it also means he has the composure and awareness to control these verbal attacks---yet chooses NOT to).People are more relaxed at home
AKMom.....I think you've missed that her husband verbally attacks her.....and that is the [main] problem. Just like you're saying.....when people attack us professionally, it's not taken personally. But.....when the attacks come from the one person that is supposed to love us the most....*that* hurts a great deal. From my reading....that seems to be what she's up against.AKMom said:Now if my own husband went off on me like that, I would be caught off guard. I would take it personally. I wouldn't have a calculated response handy.
If something appears to be unhealthy (even toxic) it needs to be considered. Only the person that's living with it can make the accurate assessment, really. All I'm doing is trying to provide the information so she can determine what is merely "conflict" and what is "abuse".And mkgal, the reason I cringe at throwing out the term "abuser" so loosely is because it's a serious accusation and shouldn't be used to describe ordinary conflict. It cheapens the term. Also, abuse is an implied reason to leave a marriage. It's treatment that is so bad that it justifies all the consequences of divorce. What the OP describes does not sound like a legitimate reason to break off the marital commitment and leave the children in a broken home.
Keeping your love on. It’s a hard thing to do. Sometimes it’s the hardest thing to do. But if you want to build healthy relationships with God and others, learning to keep your love on is non–negotiable. Adults and children alike thrive in healthy relationships where it is safe to love and be loved, to know and be known. Yet for many, relationships are anything but safe, loving, or intimate. They are defined by anxiety, manipulation, control, and conflict. The reason is that most people have never been trained to be powerful enough to keep their love on in the face of mistakes, pain, and fear. Keep Your Love On reveals the higher, Jesus–focused standard defined by mature love―love that stays ‘on’ no matter what. Danny Silk’s practical examples and poignant stories will leave you with the power to draw healthy boundaries, communicate in love, and ultimately protect your connections so you can love against all odds. As a result, your relationships will be radically transformed for eternity. When you learn to keep your love on, you become like Jesus. (Danny Silk)
http://srp.alldigital.net/B5B1FC01/46639650/pdf/20421860_27.pdf
May I ask why this is a bad book to read?Its actually a very good thing he didn't read that book. That may be the WORST book he could read.
May I ask why this is a bad book to read?
Avid Reader said:ByAvidReaderon June 5, 2016
Format: Hardcover|Verified Purchase
On page 282, Dr. Eggerichs admits that his advice isn’t working for many people. That he receives tons of letters from frustrated people who have tried that advice in their marriage only to watch it backfire on them. Then he quotes from a letter where a wife actually “regrets” telling her husband “what I learned from you because he uses it against me each time. I can take the criticism. I feel I deserve it—but his rage…makes me want to get away and hide.”
That says it all right there. So what exactly is backfiring on these people?
First of all let’s look at the main focus of this book.
Dr. Eggerichs writes, “My theory says that the wife has a tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to the husband—thus the command to respect—and the husband has a tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to the wife—thus the command to love.” (p. 319)
“A man needs to feel honored for who he is—the image and glory of God—because God made him that way.” (p. 322)
Of course, husbands need respect, but aren’t wives also made in God’s image and thus deserving of respect, too?~Amazon.com: Customer Reviews: Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs
I don't know the answer to that. A person has to be self-motivated (IMO). The only thing I can come up with is maybe saying something like, "I'd really like to see if there're areas in our marriage where we can grow together.....would you be interested in reading a book together?"Lilac said:I've bought Christian couple's books for hubby and I to read together and as fond as we are of reading, I believe they are still collecting dust in a box somewhere. How can one get their spouse to read couple-help-type books with them without sounding like a demanding pushover?
Which, to me, that just means that at home he's being his true self (it also means he has the composure and awareness to control these verbal attacks---yet chooses NOT to).
Leslie Vernick is maybe the best resource, I can think of. She wrote these books (and her FB page is pretty interactive, where you can speak to others and get good insight):
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AKMom.....I think you've missed that her husband verbally attacks her.....and that is the [main] problem. Just like you're saying.....when people attack us professionally, it's not taken personally. But.....when the attacks come from the one person that is supposed to love us the most....*that* hurts a great deal. From my reading....that seems to be what she's up against.
That's on him (not you!). It's a healthy response to detach when someone is hurting you. When he says that...maybe just internalize that he's merely experiencing natural consequences of his own behavior---instead of YOU.Yes, the verbal attacks do hurt the most. The source of the attacks hurts the most, Him. He seems to catch me off guard each time. Then when I detach like has been recommended by counselors, he complains I'm "disconnected ".
I think you're on just the right track. Journaling helps you to gain perspective and not allow him to continually throw you off balance with his re-writing of history. Good for you.I've started to journal his anger episodes (this journal drives him crazy- he hates it). After an episode, he'll say "now go write that in your notebook "- insert angry, patronizing tone. Lol
That's on him (not you!). It's a healthy response to detach when someone is hurting you. When he says that...maybe just internalize that he's merely experiencing natural consequences of his own behavior---instead of YOU.
I think you're on just the right track. Journaling helps you to gain perspective and not allow him to continually throw you off balance with his re-writing of history. Good for you.
That may be a bit of projection ( that's probably something he may do--give you theHe claims my "disconnect" is punishment but it is a natural consequence. How is it possible for a grown man, who is successful in business, to not understand the difference between a natural consequence and a punishment? When you talk/act mean, people pull away. My own children understand that concept!!!