Need advise

[akmom]

I think with me he just gets lazy in how we interact and figures I'll get over it etc.

This is normal. People are more relaxed at home. I would not compare his business composure to his home demeanor. It's apples and oranges. When I worked, I would have clients who were very upset. The work I did often involved helping people through really stressful and expensive problems. Sometimes they called me after having a bad experience with another professional. So I really got to see people at their worst, desperate and angry, eager to blame and criticize, sometimes just wanting to vent. I didn't take it personally because they developed these emotion before even meeting me. Also, I expected it as a normal part of the business, and I had a set of calculated responses. I mentally prepared myself to take pride in resolving their problems and giving them a sense of relief.

Now if my own husband went off on me like that, I would be caught off guard. I would take it personally. I wouldn't have a calculated response handy. Even if I did, I'd probably go off script because at home, I feel entitled to my emotions! I'm not saying that going off on my husband is okay. I certainly wouldn't hit him or sabotage him in any way (abuse). But I would not have the same capacity for self-control as I do at work.

Likewise, I imagine that many of your shortcomings would not occur in a work setting. Because we hold ourselves to a higher standard at work. Your boss wouldn't chew you out, but if the shortcomings kept happening, he would just terminate you. Apples and oranges.

And mkgal, the reason I cringe at throwing out the term "abuser" so loosely is because it's a serious accusation and shouldn't be used to describe ordinary conflict. It cheapens the term. Also, abuse is an implied reason to leave a marriage. It's treatment that is so bad that it justifies all the consequences of divorce. What the OP describes does not sound like a legitimate reason to break off the marital commitment and leave the children in a broken home.

 

[mkgal1]

People are more relaxed at home

Which, to me, that just means that at home he's being his true self (it also means he has the composure and awareness to control these verbal attacks---yet chooses NOT to).

Leslie Vernick is maybe the best resource I can think of. She wrote these books (and her FB page is pretty interactive, where you can speak to others and get good insight):

Now if my own husband went off on me like that, I would be caught off guard. I would take it personally. I wouldn't have a calculated response handy.

AKMom.....I think you've missed that her husband verbally attacks her.....and that is the [main] problem. Just like you're saying.....when people attack us professionally, it's not taken personally. But.....when the attacks come from the one person that is supposed to love us the most....*that* hurts a great deal. From my reading....that seems to be what she's up against.

 

[mkgal1]

And mkgal, the reason I cringe at throwing out the term "abuser" so loosely is because it's a serious accusation and shouldn't be used to describe ordinary conflict. It cheapens the term. Also, abuse is an implied reason to leave a marriage. It's treatment that is so bad that it justifies all the consequences of divorce. What the OP describes does not sound like a legitimate reason to break off the marital commitment and leave the children in a broken home.

If something appears to be unhealthy (even toxic) it needs to be considered. Only the person that's living with it can make the accurate assessment, really. All I'm doing is trying to provide the information so she can determine what is merely "conflict" and what is "abuse".

The main thing is.....when a person is dealing with covert emotional abuse---they feel as if THEY are the one that's causing all of it. They usually can't figure out what's going on or WHY. Unless a person has experienced it.....it's really difficult to understand just how devastating it is.

I'm not advocating for her to pack up and leave--only to gain some insight as to what can possibly be going on (only then can she even know how to respond to him). There's plenty of room in between where she is now and leaving.

 

[mkgal1]

I thought of another helpful book (in my opinion):

What I like about this one is that Danny Silk uses the phrase "culture of honor". To me....it's very much like Jesus' example of loving others well---and not enabling harmful behavior.

From the synopsis:

Keeping your love on. It’s a hard thing to do. Sometimes it’s the hardest thing to do. But if you want to build healthy relationships with God and others, learning to keep your love on is non–negotiable. Adults and children alike thrive in healthy relationships where it is safe to love and be loved, to know and be known. Yet for many, relationships are anything but safe, loving, or intimate. They are defined by anxiety, manipulation, control, and conflict. The reason is that most people have never been trained to be powerful enough to keep their love on in the face of mistakes, pain, and fear. Keep Your Love On reveals the higher, Jesus–focused standard defined by mature love―love that stays ‘on’ no matter what. Danny Silk’s practical examples and poignant stories will leave you with the power to draw healthy boundaries, communicate in love, and ultimately protect your connections so you can love against all odds. As a result, your relationships will be radically transformed for eternity. When you learn to keep your love on, you become like Jesus. (Danny Silk)

http://srp.alldigital.net/B5B1FC01/46639650/pdf/20421860_27.pdf

 

[mkgal1]

May I ask why this is a bad book to read?

I'll answer with a book review (this is REALLY lengthy, but it hits on a lot of issues with this book).

ByAvidReaderon June 5, 2016
Format: Hardcover|Verified Purchase
On page 282, Dr. Eggerichs admits that his advice isn’t working for many people. That he receives tons of letters from frustrated people who have tried that advice in their marriage only to watch it backfire on them. Then he quotes from a letter where a wife actually “regrets” telling her husband “what I learned from you because he uses it against me each time. I can take the criticism. I feel I deserve it—but his rage…makes me want to get away and hide.”

That says it all right there. So what exactly is backfiring on these people?

First of all let’s look at the main focus of this book.

Dr. Eggerichs writes, “My theory says that the wife has a tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to the husband—thus the command to respect—and the husband has a tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to the wife—thus the command to love.” (p. 319)

“A man needs to feel honored for who he is—the image and glory of God—because God made him that way.” (p. 322)

Of course, husbands need respect, but aren’t wives also made in God’s image and thus deserving of respect, too?~Amazon.com: Customer Reviews: Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs

I've bought Christian couple's books for hubby and I to read together and as fond as we are of reading, I believe they are still collecting dust in a box somewhere. How can one get their spouse to read couple-help-type books with them without sounding like a demanding pushover?

I don't know the answer to that. A person has to be self-motivated (IMO). The only thing I can come up with is maybe saying something like, "I'd really like to see if there're areas in our marriage where we can grow together.....would you be interested in reading a book together?"

 

[mkgal1]

I remembered I had a list of books I have *wanted* to read (but haven't gotten to the yet). These two were on my list:

 

[Menageriemama]

Which, to me, that just means that at home he's being his true self (it also means he has the composure and awareness to control these verbal attacks---yet chooses NOT to).

Leslie Vernick is maybe the best resource, I can think of. She wrote these books (and her FB page is pretty interactive, where you can speak to others and get good insight):
View attachment 197040View attachment 197041


AKMom.....I think you've missed that her husband verbally attacks her.....and that is the [main] problem. Just like you're saying.....when people attack us professionally, it's not taken personally. But.....when the attacks come from the one person that is supposed to love us the most....*that* hurts a great deal. From my reading....that seems to be what she's up against.

Yes, the verbal attacks do hurt the most. The source of the attacks hurts the most, Him. He seems to catch me off guard each time. Then when I detach like has been recommended by counselors, he complains I'm "disconnected ". It's the hurt that adds up over the years. The mind games get old. No, I'm not contemplating divorce because it doesn't make sense for the kids. However, I've noticed that I simply just don't care anymore. I'm not even angry anymore. Talking about anything goes nowhere. It's futile to discuss anything in a reasonable heart-to-heart manner.

I've started to journal his anger episodes (this journal drives him crazy- he hates it). After an episode, he'll say "now go write that in your notebook "- insert angry, patronizing tone. Lol

 

[mkgal1]

Yes, the verbal attacks do hurt the most. The source of the attacks hurts the most, Him. He seems to catch me off guard each time. Then when I detach like has been recommended by counselors, he complains I'm "disconnected ".

That's on him (not you!). It's a healthy response to detach when someone is hurting you. When he says that...maybe just internalize that he's merely experiencing natural consequences of his own behavior---instead of YOU.

I've started to journal his anger episodes (this journal drives him crazy- he hates it). After an episode, he'll say "now go write that in your notebook "- insert angry, patronizing tone. Lol

I think you're on just the right track. Journaling helps you to gain perspective and not allow him to continually throw you off balance with his re-writing of history. Good for you.

 

[Menageriemama]

That's on him (not you!). It's a healthy response to detach when someone is hurting you. When he says that...maybe just internalize that he's merely experiencing natural consequences of his own behavior---instead of YOU.


I think you're on just the right track. Journaling helps you to gain perspective and not allow him to continually throw you off balance with his re-writing of history. Good for you.

He claims my "disconnect" is punishment but it is a natural consequence. How is it possible for a grown man, who is successful in business, to not understand the difference between a natural consequence and a punishment? When you talk/act mean, people pull away. My own children understand that concept!!!

 

[mkgal1]

He claims my "disconnect" is punishment but it is a natural consequence. How is it possible for a grown man, who is successful in business, to not understand the difference between a natural consequence and a punishment? When you talk/act mean, people pull away. My own children understand that concept!!!

That may be a bit of projection ( that's probably something he may do--give you the
"silent treatment" when he's angry with you). Bottom line...in my opinion, it doesn't matter all that much what he says---it's more important for YOU to know what's true and what's not (and not base that on his responses or words--as he may not be the most reliable source for all that).

He understands (I think)....he just doesn't want YOU to understand. Causing another person to doubt is a big part of all this, but it sounds as if you have your feet on pretty stable ground.