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Need advise and prayer

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by Lavenda, May 23, 2021.

  1. Lavenda

    Lavenda New Member

    Korea, Republic Of
    Hi all, I would like to have advise and prayer about my marriage. And thank you for reading this. I have been married for 7 years now and my husband is 12 years older than me. And the age gap thing is the thing I need prayer for. I constantly feel down about the age difference. At first when I got married and even before that I didn't think the age difference would matter so much. Even I asked my mom's opinion and she was totally for it as long as he is a christian. So yea he and I are both christians. Would say he is way more mature than I am. And he does extremely his best for our marriage. After maybe 5 or 6 years into marriage I struggled more with the age difference.
    I just feel not comfortable with it. Because I don't really felt respected as his equal and he has a lot more experience in life than I do. So I feel more like a kid around him than his equal partner. And now I struggle with this reality. I know that actually it's my own fault. I went with my heart and chose to marry him. And there is like no way out... because God hates divorce and we have no ground to get divorced. And no matter how hard I try to get my mind off this issue, I keep coming back to this issue. I worry that we will never have children, because I have pcos. And even if we would I worry he might feel more tired. And me too since I already feel fatigue with hormone issues. Im 34 and he is 46. He is sweet and he does a lot for me, so I constantly wonder why then I can't accept our age difference. I feel like I miss out on life and other couples within their own age seem so happy. It constantly gets to me and I feel like I have to live miserably the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel cursed by God...
    And yet it's my own fault, because I made that choice. But I don't want to constantly feel miserable, trying to obey God. Maybe I will never have children, because we don't actively pursue it and he is more like trust God's timing. Should I accept this and live miserable? Sigh...
    Please pray for me. Thank you in advance.
    We teamed up with Faith Counseling. Can they help you today?
  2. Joyous Song

    Joyous Song Well-Known Member

    United States
    JS: My husband and I are 5 year apart. My parents were ten. My mom the younger might have felt like you. She went back to collage, got a degree and became a teacher. I think that accomplishment helped her a lot.

    Still I then older of our marriage but have a very limiting learning disability. So sometimes I seem younger. I've found talking about our problem goes a long way. It does not matter if he does not share your view here. What matters is that he understands it and together you both can work to find a way to build up your self image.

    That what my mom and dad did and what got her to take that risk and go to collage after having five kids and a baby at home. It has also helped me, with my husband. I needed to teach him about my disability and why he will never get me to be a perfect speaker and that I will gaff sooner of later.

    I hope this helps, and I will pray for you both.
  3. snoochface

    snoochface Meet the new boss -- same as the old boss.

    It doesn't seem like this has anything to do with the age difference. When I first started reading your post, I thought you were going to be, like, 21 and he was 33, which would definitely be a gap in life experience. But you're in your 30s, you are both experienced adults on equal footing. You "worry" that you won't have children - but you don't KNOW that you won't. You can see a doctor about that. You "worry" that he "might" feel too tired. Have you asked him and discussed it?

    You sound miserable, but you're not cursed by God - you've just made choices that you're now unhappy with. You should probably consider marriage counseling, or at least individual counseling to find out why you are unhappy in your marriage, and then work on improving your situation.
  4. Toro

    Toro Oh, Hello!

    IMO this seems more like a case of "the grass is always greener" since you say you are unhappy but those closer together in age are happy.

    1 year or 10 years... marriage.... all marriages... take the effort of 3. The husband, the wife and God as the glue enabling each to love tge other as they should.

    Im going to venture a guess that these "younger couples" you compare your hqppiness to, you do not see what takes place behind closed doors... even the seemingly "best marriages" can be nightmares behind the scenes.

    I would suggest getting at the root of your problem. You had no problem with the gap at the beginning.... but now it is tge source of so much misery? I dont know you but Id guess it goes deeper than that... only God can know without question what is in your heart. Take this to the Father and ask Him to reveal the issue in your heart that is causing you to feel this way.

    Not only ask Him to reveal it, but be receptive to listening to Him through scripture as how to deal with it.

    Marriage is a blessing, the problem iis we allow it to become a curse as marriage becomes twisted and perverted into something it was never meant to be. You say he is nice and good to you..... as such... IF he loves you and treats you as he should.... then he has given you no reason to not love him as you should.

    As husband and wife.... a husband gives himself over to his wife and tge wife over to her husband.

    The same as when we belong to Christ... it is no longer our life we live, but His. As such, my wife is to live, in a focus on my flesh... and mine on hers.... neither of us focusing on self first.

    Is this easy to put down self? Of course not but it should always be our intent and the focus of our goal in marriage.

    It is when we take back up ourselves as our primary focus, is when we feel we deserve better, focus on what others have through comparisons..... etc. IF my focus is on my wife, I will be quick to apologize and much quicker to set down pride which makes a heart felt apology possible... service to the other.

    It is God that enables us to truly love, for our hearts are onky truly capable of wicked and selfish things. It doesnt make "you bad" it makes us ALL wicked and deceitful in nature.... it can even decieve ourselves as to what truly makes us happy and unhappy.

    Now, IF he is abusive or in some other way toxic... then that changes things, but IF he is a "good man" albeit flawed.... deserving of a wife submitting herself over to him so that neither needs take up the concern of self but rather serve eachother..

    As for children, in service to eachother... enjoy eachother for the blessing and beauty that God intended marriage to be. Focusing on what it is we do have in that person, not what we have convinced ourselves is missing.

    If you cant be happy without a child, happiness will almost certainly still be elusive if one arrives.
    Last edited: May 23, 2021
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  5. tall73

    tall73 Sophia7's husband Supporter

    Did you discuss what each of you wanted in regards to children at the outset of your marriage? If so, what did you agree upon, or did you fail to agree? Did one of you change your mind?
  6. mama2one

    mama2one Well-Known Member

    United States
    Last edited: May 24, 2021
  7. EmmaCat

    EmmaCat Happy Homemaker! Supporter

    United States
    Fundament. Christ.
    There is nearly a ten-year age gap between my husband and me, and he is older.

    I don't feel that it's an issue, for we don't really see a problem with that.

    Perhaps maybe this is a self-confidence issue? Be confidant in yourself and your abilities. Don't be afraid to show this. I run the house and the budget, he doesn't have to worry about bills or junk. He's free to work on the cars or whatever he wants, I do what I do best plus I work. He works too.

    If something breaks or there's a weird noise in the car, that's his department. He takes care of the yard and all that, and with our own roles, there's no issue with an age difference.

    Plus I don't need him trying to cook or clean because he's terrible at that (even with a microwave), and he doesn't need me trying to do the yard work or fix a car.

    You have your own abilities and gifts. Talk to your husband, tell him how you feel, and work it out together. You may be very surprised he doesn't see an age difference but loves you very much and wishes to make you happy.

    I'll be praying for you.

    All good things
  8. Lavenda

    Lavenda New Member

    Korea, Republic Of
    Thank you for your advise and prayer. I appreciate that. Yea, I have self-confidence issues. I am still learning about my identity in Jesus. I will think about what you said. I do talk with my husband, and he understands me he says. It's great that you can talk what your husband about your limited learning disability. Very nice, that you and your husband are open about that. Sometimes I just feel treated like a kid, because I have less experience in life. And I don't want to feel like that.
  9. Joyous Song

    Joyous Song Well-Known Member

    United States
    JS: i felt that way even though my husband is younger than me, he was so much more mature when we first married. Yet five children later (one dying in my womb), and homeschooling all four I've grown up a lot and have far more confidence. Part of gaining confidence in ourselves as finding our calling and succeeding in things.

    Yet we just come off a time when everyone's confidence has been solely tried. So you are not alone. Just fined the gifts HaShem gave you when He made you. You likely have many that you forgotten or ignored but in Christ these can be brought forth and grow.

    So what were you good at in high school, what did you enjoy as a child. If you could learn anything new, what would this be? Asking yourself those questions (or like proactive ones) and following through, you can start to build your confidence.

    Yet you also sound turbulent, which means confidence problems will never fully leave you. This does not mean things can't get better, but you'll likely struggle with this throughout your life. This is where a good and faithful husband comes in. If you trust his words elsewhere, do not dismiss His assertion he hears or what he sees in you. He may not fully understand because he is not you.

    However, you do not really understand yourself as Christ made you and created you perfectly, and gave you gifts. Through prayer and hard reflection in Him these gifts will come forth but this may also take your husbands eyes, which are not colored by poor self esteem to see these clearly.
  10. tturt

    tturt Senior Veteran Supporter

    When those thoughts come about not being up to par immediately concentrate on God's Word such as:
    -"But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows." Luke 12:7 (This number is constantly changing).
    -You are wonderfully and fearfully made (Psa 139)
    -The spirit of God made you, and His breath gives you life. Job 33:4
    -"The Lord your God is in the midst of you and He is mighty; He saves, He rejoices over you with joy; He will joy over you with singing." Zep 3:17
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2021
  11. songz777

    songz777 Spouse first strengthens your marriage

    United Kingdom

    Hi .

    The age should be nothing to worry about or be down about. I met my wife when she was 25 yrs and I was 48 yrs old. We have been married for 7 years now and have two lovely boys. We both have the same outlook on life sex drive emotional make up love for Jesus and loyalty to each other. I am fit and keep myself so for our boys and wife .. being a long distance runner means I am younger than many my age in body .. I am now 58 yrs and she is 34 yrs and we love each other very much and putting the Lord first is the key to a blest marriage. Our age gap is 25 yrs!

    It is not God will for you to be miserable but have the joy of the Lord and overflowing. Asking the Lord to take you through this and to change the way you feel seeing you went into marriage feeling okay .. so may be the enemy is attacking you? whatever it is prayer and trust that God will make this miserable trial to be turned into a blessing and not a curse and knowing that all things work together for good to those who love Him... and blest for trusting God.

    I can assure you there is a way out of this there really is! You have said he is sweet etc ask the Lord to help you fall in love and appreciate him again and know that this is God's best for you although right now you do not see it.

    Keep in touch and hope in God there is a way out.