Need Advice -

[JOYfulbeliever]

Hi guys!

I actually need some advice! I have recently been reintroduced to a wonderful guy. He is actually my dad's boss's son, and while we have meet/seen each other many times before, it has been several years since we've seen each other. We randomly ran into each other a few weeks ago and hit it off immediately. We have been spending a lot of time getting to know each other since then, although we have not officially been out on a date. We are going out this weekend for the first time.

Here is my dilema. He is a diabetic - a very serious diabetic. No, I'm not that shallow, I don't have a problem with him being a diabetic. I have enough health problems to know this route! He was actually in a car accident yesterday because his blood sugar dropped so low and when he went to give himself his shot, it went into his bloodstream and caused him to pass out and wreck. He was okay, just sore.

My problem is, I tend to be very "motherly" (as one guy called me) and "worry". I know it, but I can't help it, it just happens with me. I don't really know how to handle this situation. I don't want to seem overbearing by being concerned, but I don't want to seem like I don't care either. I'm not really sure where that happy medium falls. Do I voice my concern, or just keep my big fat mouth shut?  I'm afraid that asking him how he is feeling may annoy him, but I'm also afraid if I don't ask him, he will think I am not concerned.

The fact that he has diabetes makes no difference to me, as far as him as a person.  We have hit it off very well so far, and I don't want to push him away with my annoying worries. I would really like to spend more time getting to know him better, and I just don't want to start off on the wrong foot.

I know, this is probably something I shouldn't be worrying this much about, but I am for some reason. 

Help!!!!!!!!!!

worrisome and whiney...
Amber Joy

 

[SeRapH&CheRi]

Hey Joyful,
There is nothing wrong with worrying about someone you care about. And there is nothing wrong with sharing your concerns with this guy, especially if you care about him. After all, if you didn't say anything about the accident, he may think that you might not care at all. Make sense? Sometimes it's difficult not too act motherly ( I, too, have those tendencies! ), but I think that there needs to be a happy medium. Pray about it and listen to what God wants you to do with this situation. Hope this helps.

S&C

 

[wvmtnkid]

S & C is very correct-there is nothing wrong with letting him know you are concerned. I think everyone likes to know someone cares for them, especially if it is someone they really like. And you can take your clues from him on much you should show him. I would mention the accident and ask him how he was doing and how you are hoping he is ok. You will probably be able to tell from his reaction how he is going to handle you expressing your concern for him. I wouldn't go overboard though. Just letting him you that you are concerned for his general well being and that you hope he is ok.

Hope things continue to go well for you both!

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I am just like you! Glad to know I'm not alone is the "overbearing" dept.
I try to let people know how I am so they understand me. Hopefully they find my overprotectiveness just silly and not annoying. I try not to go overboard. But yeah, sometimes it's hard to know where exactly to draw the line.

 

[JOYfulbeliever]

Thanks guys, he actually just called and wanted to meet me for lunch. I'm going to follow your advice and ask him about it (I did on the phone yesterday - but will ask him how he is feeling today) and we'll just see where it goes. If he acts annoyed, I guess I know that was enough, if not, I don't know - I guess I'll just play it by ear!

Thanks for your help - sometimes just hearing what I already know from someone else makes a HUGE difference!

 

[SeRapH&CheRi]

yay!! i hope it goes well! keep us updated!

 

[JOYfulbeliever]

Well, the date went fairly well. He is incredibly romantic, and very sweet. He showed up at my door with a dozen roses, and on the way to dinner, we were listening to a country radio station (not really listening, but it was what was playing). Well, this cute song came on, called "Check Yes or No". When I heard the first few notes, I made the comment about how cute it was. Next thing I knew, the DJ was dedicating it to me. He had planned it before he picked me up. So sweet!!! He treated me like a queen all night long.

We had a good time, talked the whole night, and I enjoyed being with him. After dinner, we went to hear a live band play, and while we were walking into the building, he pulled out a cigarette and started smoking. Now, some people are perfectly okay with this, but it is a huge turn off for me, and something that has always been on my "list for the perfect man" (for lack of a better title) - a NON-smoker. My grandfather smoked and died of lung cancer and it's just something that is incredibly close to my heart. I didn't say anything to him about it at first, because I was shocked. He said, "you are going to hate me for life for this, aren't you?" I told him that I absolutely didn't hate him, but that I thought he was signing his death warrant. The subject was dropped and we went on with the night. He smoked several more times before he took me home.

I'm just all torn up over what to do. I've been praying about it since he brought me home Saturday night. He is a very nice guy, we seemed to hit it off, but I just can't get past the whole smoking issue. I wonder if this is God's way of showing me that the relationship can't really progress romantically? And I wonder if God is showing me that, even though he may smoke, he can still love God and be a wonderful mate, which I don't doubt at all. I feel like I am avoiding him right now (he's wanted to take me to lunch yesterday, and tomorrow, and although I can't tomorrow, I found myself making an excuse for yesterday). It isn't that I don't want to spend time with him, right now, I just feel like I need to sort through my feelings and really seek God's guidance before I accidentally lead him on. I just don't know what to do at this point. My heart is literally torn.

I am spending every free second praying about this, just asking God to show me exactly what I am supposed to do and what is going to come of this.

I would really appreciate any advice you guys have, and even more, I would appreciate your prayers. You guys have definitely been my prayer warriors on more than one occasion! It's so great to have Christian friends that I have never even met praying for me! God is sooo good!!!!

 

[DJ_1]

I registered for this forum so I could reply to your post. I have to advise you against trying to start a serious relationship with this guy. I myself have been type I diabetic for 10 years, and have never passed out. I monitor my blood sugar carefully to make sure this does not happen. Now, I understand that people have different reactions to insluin, etc., but passing out while driving is not normal for a diabetic. This is a serious problem and he should talk with his doctor about trying to stabalize his blood sugar. Furthermore, the impact of smoking is much greater on someone who has diabetes. These two things combined tell me that he really does not care about taking care of himself- do you think he will be able to take care of you until/unless he resolves these issues? You could still be friends with him and see if he eventually changes, but I wouldn't get into a relationship with him with the hopes that you can change him.

Peace,
Dean

P.s. You are doing the right thing by praying about it before continuing to date him ! Also, you could talk to him about your concerns, the way he responds will tell you a lot about his attitude..

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I like what the last guy said about you trying to change him. Those are famous last words. If this guy wants to date you then he needs to stop smoking. He has to change him. If you don't like smoking, then dating someone who smokes is going to be a non-stop aggravation. Neither of you need this.

 

[JOYfulbeliever]

Thanks for your advice, DJ-1 and Mr. Cheese.

DJ-1 - he claims he passed out because he takes such "good" care of his diabetes that when his BS gets to 130, he gives himself insulin, and he said he gave himself too much and caused his BS to drop too low. Whether that is true or not, I don't know. As much as I hate to admit it, I've caught him in several lies. 

The smoking I just can't handle. And I told him Tuesday, because he came right out and asked me how I felt about pursuing this relationship. I told him that I thought he was a nice guy, and I had a great time with him (which, other than the smoking incidences, was 100% the truth), but I told him that I just couldn't handle the smoking. I told him that I had been struggling and praying about it, and I felt that this was God's way of telling me to back off. I told him that I would love to hang out and go off with him, as long as he understood that it was on a friendship level and nothing more. He was mad, and more or less hung up on me. Ten minutes later, he called me from a random number - if I had known it was him, after the way he acted, I wouldn't have answered. But I didn't know, and I answered. He apologized and basically told me that he wanted to marry me and he knew we were meant to be together - this is all after 1 date, mind you.   I told him that I was sorry, but it just isn't going to happen that way. I am not lowering my standards for him, and after him trying for 10 minutes to suck up with compliments hoping I would change my mind, we hung up. Fifteen minutes later, I have another call from a DIFFERENT phone number. This time it was a friend of his, calling to tell me how upset he was, and that he wanted him to call me. It really aggrevated me. I didn't realize I was dealing with a 3rd grader over this that has to get his friend to call the girl that he likes to ask if she will go out with him.  I just didn't realize we had to be so juvenille about this.   Anyway, I told him that I wasn't sure why he was calling or what he wanted me to say, but I had told this guy everything that I needed to tell him. Twenty minutes later, he calls back yet again. By this point, I was angry. It was getting ridiculous. He basically told me that I could consider him quit and he wanted to take me out this weekend. Only made me angrier. I told him that no, I didn't consider him quit - because by "quitting", I wasn't referring to "not smoking around me". I told him that I hoped he was quitting, not for me, but because he was in essence, killing himself, but that no, I would not go out on a date with him.

He has also called me at work every day for the last week and a half. Every day I have asked him not to call me at work, because I can't have personal calls. He has yet to listen. I no longer answer the phone at work (he calls on my cell phone). He called yesterday morning, and I didn't answer, and I went out with my family last night, and while we were at dinner, apparently, my cell phone rang and I didn't hear it. It was him, and he left a message wishing me a happy birthday, and just general talk, and then he said, "I hope you aren't screening your calls."

This obsessive nature is driving me insane. It certainly isn't flattering, and it is way past annoying. Am I handling this right? I have still tried to talk to him, and I have tried to be very nice in everything that I have said, but it's like he doesn't respect me enough to honor my wishes.

It's really frustrating, but again, I feel like this is God working. I'm so glad I found all of this out about him after 1 date rather than after 10 dates.

Should I be handling this differently? I can honestly say, I have never been in this position, and I never could have imagined this!!!!!!!!!!! 

Thanks for your help so far!!!!

 

[JOYfulbeliever]

Oh, and I forgot to add - I, in no way, shape or form, want to change him. In fact, I don't even want him to change because of me, I want him to change because HE wants to, and because he feels that is what God is leading him to do. I'm nobody. God is the one he needs to listen to!

Just wanted to clear that up!

 

[DJ_1]

Joyful, FWIW I think that you have exactly the right attitude in dealing with this!


I know his behaviour is disappointing, but like you said
"I feel like this is God working. I'm so glad I found all of this out about him after 1 date rather than after 10 dates. "

Other than that, hopefully he will give up trying to call you when he sees that you are not going to call him back.

"Oh, and I forgot to add - I, in no way, shape or form, want to change him."

I wasn't saying that you were, just saying that many people- myself included- have tried things like that and it doesn't work. You are right in saying that he needs to listen to God.


Proverbs 28:26
He who trusts in himself is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe.

 

[wvmtnkid]

How awful Joyful! I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I think I would tell him one more time, very strongly, they you are not interested in going out with him and not to call you anymore. (In my opinion, you shouldn't, even on a friend basis. I don't think he will leave it as friends.) Than I would not take his phone calls. No matter what. Hopefully, he will get the clue and move on.

You are right that you discovered this before things went much further. I hope things work out ok and that he will leave you alone.

 

[JOYfulbeliever]

3rd April 2003 at 12:52 PM DJ_1 said this in Post #12 


"Oh, and I forgot to add - I, in no way, shape or form, want to change him."

I wasn't saying that you were, just saying that many people- myself included- have tried things like that and it doesn't work. You are right in saying that he needs to listen to God.

Proverbs 28:26
He who trusts in himself is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe.

Oh my word!  I'm sorry - that came out all wrong!  I didn't mean to be so defensive sounding - I really didn't mean it that way!  I just wanted to make it clear that I had no intentions of changing him.  I have seen too many friend try that and fail miserably, and I've just chosen to learn from their mistakes, and hopefully not repeat them!  DJ-1, thanks so much for your support!

wvmtnkid, I am definitely going to take that advice, and if he calls again, tell him one more time how I feel, and let him know that it is the LAST time I am telling him.  Over the last 2 days, I've realized the same thing you just said - he isn't going to leave it as friends;, which is a shame, because I really would like to be friends with him.  For the most part, he is a great guy.  I have not heard from him today, so, I am really hoping he has gotten the hint at this point, but something in me tells me that it just isn't so!  Thanks for your encouragement!


 

 

[OneFish]

Hi Joyful,

This guy has some serious issues. I think you have now seen his true self. I would advise what wvmtnkid said, tell him one last time respectfully then hope he gets the point. I would also suggest no further contact at all with this guy. Afterall who would ever even want a friend that had no respect for them.

God Bless you sister!

 

[wvmtnkid]

Unfortunately, I went through something similar. I went out with this guy on a blind date on the recommendation of a good friend. I was sorta undecided at the end of the date as to whether I wanted to see him again. He asked if he could call me and I thought, "Sure, why not give him a second chance." I was out of town for the next several days, which I told him I would be. When I got home, he had called me 17 times in 2 1/2 days! I have caller id, so I knew it was him. I decided at that point, I didn't want to see him again. For the next 3 months, he called me at least 3 times a night. I never picked up the phone when he called. I finally had to get a male friend to tell him to lay off. Finally, he did. So I hope, for your sake, this guy gets the message and will back off. I know it is disappointing but at least you found out now instead of on down the road when you may have had deeper feelings for him.

's for you!

 

[JOYfulbeliever]

Wow, wvmntkid, I think we may be talking about the same guy!!!!!!!!!!! He continues to call me at work, and I continue to not take his calls. He just doesn't get it. He has called me several times when I haven't had my phone with me, or haven't heard it ring because of where I was, and he leaves a message saying that he wants to see me and talk to me and he hopes I'm not screening my calls. He's done that countless times since I told him I couldn't deal with the situation. I feel bad NOT answering the phone, but at the same time, he has plucked my last nerve, and I don't WANT to talk to him! Besides, I really don't want to give him false hope.

He's really turned into a pain in the rear!!!

Haha!

 

[ReesePiece23]

Well, the date went fairly well. He is incredibly romantic, and very sweet. He showed up at my door with a dozen roses, and on the way to dinner, we were listening to a country radio station (not really listening, but it was what was playing). Well, this cute song came on, called "Check Yes or No". When I heard the first few notes, I made the comment about how cute it was. Next thing I knew, the DJ was dedicating it to me. He had planned it before he picked me up. So sweet!!! He treated me like a queen all night long.

He bought her a dozen roses, timed everything precisely so that the radio gave her a shout out, and he treated her like a queen all night long.

If only this had happened in 2024. She could have given him a vape and/or nicotine gum.

That being said, these grandiose actions from him on a first date in 2024 would be questionable to say the least.

Anyway, this could be a fun concept - bumping the Singles first threads and commenting as if we're from the future.

Or, perhaps I've just irritated everyone in bumping a 21 year old thread.

 

[sampa]

.

 

[ReesePiece23]

I was thinking the exact same thing. A couple years ago a guy that took me on a date tried to impress me with my state flower plus his state flower. It was a special design and pretty expensive and unfortunately since it was the middle of a hot summer day the flowers did not fair well once they got home. We went on 3 dates, but he seemed more pushy after that almost like I was a possession. I was one step away from meeting his kids. I wanted to stay in a hotel and he thought I was being ridiculous. There were so many arguments in our last conversations before I broke things off. He twisted things to make it seem like I was the weird one. He wasn't trying to understand who I was and compared me to an enigma.

A few other instances I can think of when the guy tried to overly impress, there were hidden things I found out later, like abusiveness.

@JOYfulbeliever, how did things turn out? I hope you found a way out.

It's surprisingly common - I don't fully understand what happens to them, but they invent things in their heads and "lock on" to the idea of *you* and NEED their expectations to be met. If you begin to pull away they go into panic mode and start over correcting, and will make one mistake after another. Eventually, turning their insanity onto you (or trying to.)

It's a complete capitulation. If they had taken a deep breath, a moment to collect their thoughts, and to rationalise their own emotions, they could have prevented disaster from happening.

Que sera, sera and all that. It's actually a positive thing if a person can recognise their mistakes and move on with dignity. The problem is, not everyone can "own" their mistakes and use them as a muse to improve their character. They'll just do it over and over again.

The important thing to never forget is that there's over four billion members of each opposite sex out there, it pays not to get too caught up. Not until you're getting serious.