Nastiness from former sponsor

[madison1101]

My sponsor dropped me. We had an exchange of e-mails where I felt that she was being abusive and lacked empathy, and I called her on it. I simply shared my feelings using "I" statements. Instead of trying to work through the problem, she dropped me. It was her nastiness that bothered me the most, because I don't believe I deserved her cutting remarks, or put-downs. For someone with 16 years of sobriety, she lacks a lot of empathy and people skills.

Now, I am at a loss, because she attends the early morning meeting I would go to, and I really do not feel like crossing paths with her any time soon. I also need to find a sponsor and I feel so upset about that. I believe this is going to be a challenge because I had so much trouble finding someone before, and the good sponsor I had this past winter and spring moved from PA, where I live, to Florida. Hence the most recent sponsor dilemma,.

I know I do not want to drink. I do feel my depression, which I tried to discuss with her in the exchange, is worsening in recent weeks, and this has compounded it. I really struggle with abandonment and rejection on good days. When I feel this way, it is awful.

Thanks,
Trish

 

[Criada]

I'm sorry, that is horrible.
Praying that you can find a new sponsor soon.
Hang in there, sweetie You can get over this bump in the road.

 

[devonian]

Madison,
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. One thing I do in situations like this is to pray the 4th step resentment prayer (summarized from AA): "God, this is a spiritually sick person, just like myself, help me to show him/her the same tolerance, patience, and pity that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend. How can I be helpful to him/her? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.

You mentioned that you do not want to cross paths with her. This sounds like a resentment. In Step 10, it says: "Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. When these crop up, (1) we ask God at once to remove them, (2) we discuss them with someone immediately and (3) make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then (4)we resolutely turn out thought to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code." (Pg. 84, I added the numbers to show there are 4 parts to doing step 10)

Dev

 

[BlessEwe]

Madison,
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. One thing I do in situations like this is to pray the 4th step resentment prayer (summarized from AA): "God, this is a spiritually sick person, just like myself, help me to show him/her the same tolerance, patience, and pity that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend. How can I be helpful to him/her? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.

You mentioned that you do not want to cross paths with her. This sounds like a resentment. In Step 10, it says: "Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. When these crop up, (1) we ask God at once to remove them, (2) we discuss them with someone immediately and (3) make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then (4)we resolutely turn out thought to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code." (Pg. 84, I added the numbers to show there are 4 parts to doing step 10)

Dev

Well said! Why should this woman hold you back from your favorite meetings? If she says anything about you, the light on her will shine the truth very soon. You did nothing wrong , hold your head high and go. I left a sponsor once due to her putting me down at meetings. I thought gee I feel worse now than when I was using. It was a big red flag to move on. You did the right thing.

 

[BobW188]

Hmmm. To be quite honest, I'm wondering what the other side of this is. As she's not likely to show up here, let's do a little Gestalt: Be your sponsor. Whether you post it here or not; put yourself in her shoes and tell the story from her side.

I'll point one thing out to you. You've read enough of my stuff to know I'm not above cutting and putting down, yet we get along fine. Is she really that malicious? To some people, it's just a style and isn't ill-intended.

Your ongoing saga reminds me of my friend Paul, whose first three sponsors respectively (1) suggested he cheat on his wife; (2) suggested he take a geographic; and, (3) hit him with a closed fist. Paul stayed sober anyway. We as a fellowship might be well advised to be as tough on wannabe sponsors as we are on a lot of sponsees. It occurs to me as I write that a sponsor is a leader; and that it took four years of ROTC, (including a rigorous six-week "summer camp"; a nine week Branch Basic course, and several months of active duty before I had any business leading anybody.

While you work this out, keep in mind you've got plenty of sponsors pro-tem right here.

 

[madison1101]

Hmmm. To be quite honest, I'm wondering what the other side of this is. As she's not likely to show up here, let's do a little Gestalt: Be your sponsor. Whether you post it here or not; put yourself in her shoes and tell the story from her side.

I'll point one thing out to you. You've read enough of my stuff to know I'm not above cutting and putting down, yet we get along fine. Is she really that malicious? To some people, it's just a style and isn't ill-intended.

Your ongoing saga reminds me of my friend Paul, whose first three sponsors respectively (1) suggested he cheat on his wife; (2) suggested he take a geographic; and, (3) hit him with a closed fist. Paul stayed sober anyway. We as a fellowship might be well advised to be as tough on wannabe sponsors as we are on a lot of sponsees. It occurs to me as I write that a sponsor is a leader; and that it took four years of ROTC, (including a rigorous six-week "summer camp"; a nine week Branch Basic course, and several months of active duty before I had any business leading anybody.

While you work this out, keep in mind you've got plenty of sponsors pro-tem right here.

You are right, Bob. I was so rattled when I posted this I was not making much sense. The she-said/she-said is not important at this point. In examining the exchange she and I had, I have concluded that I had bad feelings about her in August, when I felt that she was not really hearing what I had to say, and that she was constantly interrupting me in the middle of a sentence, and then finishing the sentence, assuming what I would say, then attacking me for supposedly thinking/saying what she thought I was going to say.

I also shared with her that I was struggling with some serious depression in recent weeks, related to traumas and grief stuff connected to Autumn, and I felt belittled because she said that she also had two deaths in her family, "Get over it." I also had been moltested, and had some marital traumas in the Fall as well. I also told her that clinical depression is not being on the pity pot.

I realize now that given my background and training, as well as my psychiatric diagnoses, I need someone who has a smidgeon of empathy for serious mental illness, and I also need someone who will actually listen and not just use the AA catch phrases of "Pity pot," "Excuses," "Buck up."

Bipolar depression sucks and I don't talk about it with her, nor do I talk about my eating disorder, which is off the hook these days, because they are totally not alcoholism.

My previous sponsor was the exact opposite. She had empathy, gave reading assignments in the Big Book and Stepbook, and listened. I would cry on her shoulder about something that happened, she would quietly listen and then just say, "Step Two. Read step two, and write about it." She listened. She did not try to fix me, or tell me every fault in my life.

Sorry. I am babbling. I did hear from my sponsor because I ran into another one of her sponsees while at work last night, and gave her my sponsor's number because she did not have it with her, and she needed it.

Trish

 

[BlessEwe]

How is it going Trish? Have you been to a meeting?

 

[cynthiainchrist]

I also had a sponsor who was not empathetic at all. She was very hard to get along with because she was one minute nice, the next minute angry or mean right out of the blue. I felt I was walking on egg shells all the time, it made me so nervous I wanted a drink! I also have depression and it can be hard to find someone who really understands we can't always be chipper and "have an attitude of gratitude" every day. When I told her I will be looking for a new sponsor, she was furious! My nerves were a mess. I'm still looking for a new sponsor, it's been almost two months now. I'm now really cautious on who I ask. I've only been in the fellowship for about a year, so I'm getting to know more women as potential sponsors.
I hope you find a new sponsor who's perfect for you! Hang in there