Ok, so this is my testimony. I know it's kind of long, but it's how God has been working in my life.
I was born and raised a Seventh-Day Adventist. We went to a tiny little country church, my dad had gone there when he was a kid, so my siblings and I helped out with the service. I can remember when I was a little kid only about 4 or 5 standing up front and singing special music...
I didn't really have a personal relationship with God or anything like that. I just knew what I had always been taught in school, at home, and in church. (I went to an Adventist school from 1st grade through high school). When I was 13 I got baptized, but I didn't really know what it meant to have a relationship with God personally.
It wasn't until my freshman year of high school that I actually began searching for God. I went to a boarding academy not to far from our house. Life in the dorm was a new experience. I didn't get along with my roommate, and even though I had gone to school with some of the people there since 1st grade, I didn't really have that many friends... I was so lonely that I began to think about suicide. At first it scared me that I would even consider something like that, but as the year went on...
Finally one night I was just tired of having all these questions and no answers. So as I was laying on my bed trying to sleep I just started talking to God. I poured out my heart to Him, and told Him everything that was going on. I wasn't even sure if He existed or not, so I begged Him to show me that He was really there and cared about me. The next morning when I got up I turned on my radio. The song that came on was one I had heard before, but this time I actually listened to what it was saying. The song was "Little Girl" By Go Fish. As I listened to the chorus I felt like God was speaking to me. "You're my little girl, You're the one that I created. No one in this world could ever be like you. When you're crying in the night all you need to do is call Me, I'll be there for you. 'Cause you're My little girl..."
That experience showed me that God was real and that He cared about me. I managed to make it through the rest of the school year.
The summer between Freshman and Sophomore year I made the decision to be rebaptized at the beginning of Soph. yr.
I got rebaptized at the beginning of my Sophomore year. Things were finally going great. I had an awesome group of friends to hang out with, I was getting on track with God, and life was all around wonderful. Everything was fine until December of that year. It was the Thursday after Thanksgiving. I had been back at school for only a few days from break, and I got a phone call. It was my older sister telling me to get ready to come home because something had happened. I had no clue what was going on, so I packed my duffel bag with clothes and waited for Jen to get there. When we got home my mom told me that Grandma had died that afternoon. It was the worst moment in my life. Grandma had been a huge part of my life, and suddenly she was gone...
After that everything started going wrong. The school pastor was going to move to MI for a different job so was the PE teacher, both of whom I have known since I was little. My best friend was moving. A guy I had known in grade school hung himself... It was like I was losing everyone I cared about. I was extremely depressed. I began to think about suicide more seriously than I had before. I even had a plan and a day. My best friend could tell that something was wrong so one night she locked me in her room and forced me to tell her what was going on. I told her everything except for the fact that I was considering suicide. She then got the school pastor (he hadn't moved yet) and I talked to him for over an hour. That night made me realize that there was people who cared about me, and I decided not to go through with my plans. The rest of the school year went by too slowly.
Junior year was difficult for me. All the friends I had hung out with the previous year were gone they either graduated or went to different schools... I tried to stay upbeat. Everyday I would go around pretending like everything was fine. It was too much for me, and so I started cutting. Also in English class a lot of the creative writing assignments I wrote were more on the dark and bleak side of life. How the teacher never figured out that something was wrong is beyond me. I was still thinking about suicide, and just wanted to get away from all the problems and everything. I was pushing God away. I was mad at Him for everything that was going. There were nights when I would be yelling at Him, blaming Him for everything that had happened. I really didn't know what to do...
The summer between Junior and Senior year I really made some stupid mistakes. My family took a vacation to WI for 1 1/2 weeks and during that time I really made mistakes. I wanted to be accepted by all the other teens around me, and since I already have a low self-esteem, I ended up giving into peer-pressure. I began experimenting with smoking. It was something I always said I would never do, but ended up doing to be accepted...
Senior year, last school year, things were still difficult. I was cutting more than ever by the time the first week of school was over. Depression was a part of my daily life that I kept hidden from everyone. In fact I almost started laughing at something my Government teacher said to me one day. She said "Jessica, your always so happy!" The end of October we found out that my dad has some heart problems, and they thought that he might need to have surgery. It was too much for me. I still didn't fit in, and I had gone to school there for 4 years...
Finally the beginning of November, it was a Friday night, I was too overwhelmed with everything. That day had been just horrible, and the whole world seemed to be against me. So about 10 minutes before lights out, I decided that I would just end it all that night. I overdosed on aspirin and went to bed, not expecting to wake up the next morning...
When I did wake up in the morning I was really mad. I felt like the world's biggest failure, and didn't know what to do. So I went to church and acted like everything was fine. No one found out about the overdose until a month later when I called up the old school pastor. I felt like he was the only one I could trust. I talked to him for over an hour explaining everything. Eventually my parents found out, and they actually didn't react like I thought they would...
Second semester wasn't that bad, but I knew that the current school pastor was watching me (PG had told him to talk to me). I was finally feeling like I fit in a little bit. Class trip was even fun. But I was still cutting and struggling with suicidal thoughts. Then 2 weeks before Graduation, I found out that one of my teachers was getting divorced. There was also some other stuff going on, plus the stress of finals and graduation. It was again too much, and I was thinking about slitting my wrists. It was a real battle not to, but I didn't. The next day I sent PG a long e-mail about the cutting and how I wanted to die and just everything going on. The current school pastor was again told to talk to me, my parents were informed, along with the principal and the girls dean. I actually ended up going home for a couple of nights. During all of this I was questioning God, and wanting answers for everything.
Finally it was graduation and I was out of there. This last summer I decided that I would do something meaningful with my time instead of slack off like normal. So I joined a group that went door to door offering people Christian books. It was one of the best summers of my life. Sure there was a few problems in the group, but nothing too bad. God showed me this summer that He is still there and even though I've turned away from Him so many times He never let go of me. There was one situation where I know for a fact that God was protecting us. We were in a trailer court where the local pastor had been kicked out before. We had to sneak in. We did half the trailer court and then we had to pass by the managers house. Before we did all of us got in a little circle and prayed for protection as we finished the trailer court. He was sitting outside and saw us walk by. As soon as he saw us he started yelling at us, and cussing at us. It is only because of God that we didn't get kicked out of there. We finished the court, and on the way out we prayed again before passing his house. He was still outside, but this time he didn't say anything to us.
This summer was a major growing experience in my relationship with God. Even though I still struggle with cutting, depression, and suicidal thoughts, I know for a fact that He is watching out for me, and that there is a reason I'm alive today.
I was born and raised a Seventh-Day Adventist. We went to a tiny little country church, my dad had gone there when he was a kid, so my siblings and I helped out with the service. I can remember when I was a little kid only about 4 or 5 standing up front and singing special music...
I didn't really have a personal relationship with God or anything like that. I just knew what I had always been taught in school, at home, and in church. (I went to an Adventist school from 1st grade through high school). When I was 13 I got baptized, but I didn't really know what it meant to have a relationship with God personally.
It wasn't until my freshman year of high school that I actually began searching for God. I went to a boarding academy not to far from our house. Life in the dorm was a new experience. I didn't get along with my roommate, and even though I had gone to school with some of the people there since 1st grade, I didn't really have that many friends... I was so lonely that I began to think about suicide. At first it scared me that I would even consider something like that, but as the year went on...
Finally one night I was just tired of having all these questions and no answers. So as I was laying on my bed trying to sleep I just started talking to God. I poured out my heart to Him, and told Him everything that was going on. I wasn't even sure if He existed or not, so I begged Him to show me that He was really there and cared about me. The next morning when I got up I turned on my radio. The song that came on was one I had heard before, but this time I actually listened to what it was saying. The song was "Little Girl" By Go Fish. As I listened to the chorus I felt like God was speaking to me. "You're my little girl, You're the one that I created. No one in this world could ever be like you. When you're crying in the night all you need to do is call Me, I'll be there for you. 'Cause you're My little girl..."
That experience showed me that God was real and that He cared about me. I managed to make it through the rest of the school year.
The summer between Freshman and Sophomore year I made the decision to be rebaptized at the beginning of Soph. yr.
I got rebaptized at the beginning of my Sophomore year. Things were finally going great. I had an awesome group of friends to hang out with, I was getting on track with God, and life was all around wonderful. Everything was fine until December of that year. It was the Thursday after Thanksgiving. I had been back at school for only a few days from break, and I got a phone call. It was my older sister telling me to get ready to come home because something had happened. I had no clue what was going on, so I packed my duffel bag with clothes and waited for Jen to get there. When we got home my mom told me that Grandma had died that afternoon. It was the worst moment in my life. Grandma had been a huge part of my life, and suddenly she was gone...
After that everything started going wrong. The school pastor was going to move to MI for a different job so was the PE teacher, both of whom I have known since I was little. My best friend was moving. A guy I had known in grade school hung himself... It was like I was losing everyone I cared about. I was extremely depressed. I began to think about suicide more seriously than I had before. I even had a plan and a day. My best friend could tell that something was wrong so one night she locked me in her room and forced me to tell her what was going on. I told her everything except for the fact that I was considering suicide. She then got the school pastor (he hadn't moved yet) and I talked to him for over an hour. That night made me realize that there was people who cared about me, and I decided not to go through with my plans. The rest of the school year went by too slowly.
Junior year was difficult for me. All the friends I had hung out with the previous year were gone they either graduated or went to different schools... I tried to stay upbeat. Everyday I would go around pretending like everything was fine. It was too much for me, and so I started cutting. Also in English class a lot of the creative writing assignments I wrote were more on the dark and bleak side of life. How the teacher never figured out that something was wrong is beyond me. I was still thinking about suicide, and just wanted to get away from all the problems and everything. I was pushing God away. I was mad at Him for everything that was going. There were nights when I would be yelling at Him, blaming Him for everything that had happened. I really didn't know what to do...
The summer between Junior and Senior year I really made some stupid mistakes. My family took a vacation to WI for 1 1/2 weeks and during that time I really made mistakes. I wanted to be accepted by all the other teens around me, and since I already have a low self-esteem, I ended up giving into peer-pressure. I began experimenting with smoking. It was something I always said I would never do, but ended up doing to be accepted...
Senior year, last school year, things were still difficult. I was cutting more than ever by the time the first week of school was over. Depression was a part of my daily life that I kept hidden from everyone. In fact I almost started laughing at something my Government teacher said to me one day. She said "Jessica, your always so happy!" The end of October we found out that my dad has some heart problems, and they thought that he might need to have surgery. It was too much for me. I still didn't fit in, and I had gone to school there for 4 years...
Finally the beginning of November, it was a Friday night, I was too overwhelmed with everything. That day had been just horrible, and the whole world seemed to be against me. So about 10 minutes before lights out, I decided that I would just end it all that night. I overdosed on aspirin and went to bed, not expecting to wake up the next morning...
When I did wake up in the morning I was really mad. I felt like the world's biggest failure, and didn't know what to do. So I went to church and acted like everything was fine. No one found out about the overdose until a month later when I called up the old school pastor. I felt like he was the only one I could trust. I talked to him for over an hour explaining everything. Eventually my parents found out, and they actually didn't react like I thought they would...
Second semester wasn't that bad, but I knew that the current school pastor was watching me (PG had told him to talk to me). I was finally feeling like I fit in a little bit. Class trip was even fun. But I was still cutting and struggling with suicidal thoughts. Then 2 weeks before Graduation, I found out that one of my teachers was getting divorced. There was also some other stuff going on, plus the stress of finals and graduation. It was again too much, and I was thinking about slitting my wrists. It was a real battle not to, but I didn't. The next day I sent PG a long e-mail about the cutting and how I wanted to die and just everything going on. The current school pastor was again told to talk to me, my parents were informed, along with the principal and the girls dean. I actually ended up going home for a couple of nights. During all of this I was questioning God, and wanting answers for everything.
Finally it was graduation and I was out of there. This last summer I decided that I would do something meaningful with my time instead of slack off like normal. So I joined a group that went door to door offering people Christian books. It was one of the best summers of my life. Sure there was a few problems in the group, but nothing too bad. God showed me this summer that He is still there and even though I've turned away from Him so many times He never let go of me. There was one situation where I know for a fact that God was protecting us. We were in a trailer court where the local pastor had been kicked out before. We had to sneak in. We did half the trailer court and then we had to pass by the managers house. Before we did all of us got in a little circle and prayed for protection as we finished the trailer court. He was sitting outside and saw us walk by. As soon as he saw us he started yelling at us, and cussing at us. It is only because of God that we didn't get kicked out of there. We finished the court, and on the way out we prayed again before passing his house. He was still outside, but this time he didn't say anything to us.
This summer was a major growing experience in my relationship with God. Even though I still struggle with cutting, depression, and suicidal thoughts, I know for a fact that He is watching out for me, and that there is a reason I'm alive today.
