spring of last year i developed an eating disorder. tomorrow is my birthday, i will be 16, and i am now in recovery. this is my story so far.
When i was 14 years old, I developed an eating disorder. i was depressed, lonely, confused, and beyond terrified. at first i tried to hide it. I didn't want anyone to find out about it because it was my way of feeling better. I eventually broke and told the people i trusted the most. my friends figured it out when i stopped eating lunch. At the time i was in therapy for my current struggle with depression. i remember telling my therapist about my struggles with feeling fat and not eating because i was afraid i would gain weight. she was understanding and tried to help me. but i was getting farther and farther into the disease now and it started to have control of me, therefore making it harder and harder for me to want to get better or eat for that matter. not only was i eating barely anything, but i was exercising for hours at night and forcing myself to throw up if i ate what i thought was too much. i started to confide in the one person at school who i trusted most, and always have, ms.trickler, the school counselor. she was always there for me if i needed someone to talk to, or if i just needed a hug. she tried to help me in so many ways, but i refused it all, or should i say, my eating disorder did. i sought the help of a dietician. i was scared that she was going to make me eat so much that i would get fat. but of course, what she wanted me to eat, was normal, but i didn't see it in that way. i freaked out. i didn't want to go see her, in fear of what she was going to make me do. but the first time i saw her she could tell that i was scared and depressed. and she talked to me and was so loving and caring, that i couldnt imagine not seeing her again. she shared with me about her battle she had with an eating disorder and how she overcame it. it was so inspirational.
that summer, i got worse. i was still depressed and still eating disordered. i was so weak from not eating and i was dehydrated. my hair was starting to fall out and it was hard work for me to walk up a flight of stairs. i was dizzy all the time and felt like i was going to faint if i stood up for more than 2 minutes. this continued throughout the summer and into my freshman year. by this time i had switched to a different therapist who i liked much better and was still seeing my dietician. i started playing field hockey that fall. i don't know how i ran at practice every day, i don't know how i played in games, and i dont know how i woke up in the morning and managed to get myself off to school and then practice until 5. i think it was a miracle from god that i was able to do all of this. i was getting worse and worse, feeling sicker and sicker. so many people were trying to help me in so many ways. at that point, i wanted to get better. i was sick of being sick.
about a week before exams in december i had a session with my dietician. the week before she had asked me to keep a journal of what i ate throughout the week. when i showed it to her she looked at me and said, "i'm going to be honest with you. this type of eating is meant for you to be in a treatment center" i nodded my head and told her that i agreed, wanting to burst into tears. she brought my mom in and advised her to look into admitting me to a treatment center. i couldn't believe this was happening. but i was glad it was, i wanted to get better. my dietician and therapist were supportive and helped us in finding the perfect place, Remuda Ranch.
On december 27 i was flying on a plane to arizona. i was so terrified. i was flying to the other side of the country and going to stay there for 4 months. in the early morning of december 28 someone from the facility picked up my parents and me from our hotel and drove us to the facility. when i got there it had finally hit me, i'm here. this lady showed me and my parents around and then took us into the house i was staying at to introduce me to the other girls there. the first girl i saw was beautiful, but with a feeding tube and very skinny. i thought i was going to cry. then after that i had to say goodbye to my parents. that was really hard.
for the next four months i went through refeeding, various types of intensive therapy, tears, and making lifelong friends. the people at the treatment center are the most amazing,caring, and beautiful people i have ever met. you spend everyday with these girls and get to know them so incredibly well. they are your support and shoulder to cry on. the different types of group therapy i did there were so helpful to me. i learned skills that i now use when i am in tough situations or going through a difficult time. one of the most helpful types of therapy for me while i was there was body image therapy. in that group i learned to accept my body the way it was and not see myself as fat when i looked in the mirror. i still struggle with that, but it's something i deal with and get through.
when it came time for me to check out of treatment and go home, i was happy, but also very sad. i had become connected to this place and to the girls and staff. i had made best friends and finally found people to trust. saying goodbye was probably the hardest thing i have ever done. i cried for so long while hugging all the girls goodbye. the plane ride home was horrible. i just wanted to be with my friends back in arizona. but at the same time, i couldnt help but be excited about finally going home! walking into my house and finally being free and happy again was such a wonderful feeling. i will never forget it.
now i have been home a little over two months. i have had my share of struggles, but i'm doing well. the hardest part of being home i think has been fixing my meals on my own and dealing with the lonliness of missing my friends from treatment. i still write them, call them, and talk to them often. but it's not the same as seeing them. hopefully one day we can have a reunion of some sort. that would be so awesome! I am so grateful for Remuda and how it saved my life. I have learned so much about myself and about life. While having an eating disorder was miserable, I am grateful that I came out on the other side healthy and alive. I am confident that my path to recovery will continue on for years to come.
When i was 14 years old, I developed an eating disorder. i was depressed, lonely, confused, and beyond terrified. at first i tried to hide it. I didn't want anyone to find out about it because it was my way of feeling better. I eventually broke and told the people i trusted the most. my friends figured it out when i stopped eating lunch. At the time i was in therapy for my current struggle with depression. i remember telling my therapist about my struggles with feeling fat and not eating because i was afraid i would gain weight. she was understanding and tried to help me. but i was getting farther and farther into the disease now and it started to have control of me, therefore making it harder and harder for me to want to get better or eat for that matter. not only was i eating barely anything, but i was exercising for hours at night and forcing myself to throw up if i ate what i thought was too much. i started to confide in the one person at school who i trusted most, and always have, ms.trickler, the school counselor. she was always there for me if i needed someone to talk to, or if i just needed a hug. she tried to help me in so many ways, but i refused it all, or should i say, my eating disorder did. i sought the help of a dietician. i was scared that she was going to make me eat so much that i would get fat. but of course, what she wanted me to eat, was normal, but i didn't see it in that way. i freaked out. i didn't want to go see her, in fear of what she was going to make me do. but the first time i saw her she could tell that i was scared and depressed. and she talked to me and was so loving and caring, that i couldnt imagine not seeing her again. she shared with me about her battle she had with an eating disorder and how she overcame it. it was so inspirational.
that summer, i got worse. i was still depressed and still eating disordered. i was so weak from not eating and i was dehydrated. my hair was starting to fall out and it was hard work for me to walk up a flight of stairs. i was dizzy all the time and felt like i was going to faint if i stood up for more than 2 minutes. this continued throughout the summer and into my freshman year. by this time i had switched to a different therapist who i liked much better and was still seeing my dietician. i started playing field hockey that fall. i don't know how i ran at practice every day, i don't know how i played in games, and i dont know how i woke up in the morning and managed to get myself off to school and then practice until 5. i think it was a miracle from god that i was able to do all of this. i was getting worse and worse, feeling sicker and sicker. so many people were trying to help me in so many ways. at that point, i wanted to get better. i was sick of being sick.
about a week before exams in december i had a session with my dietician. the week before she had asked me to keep a journal of what i ate throughout the week. when i showed it to her she looked at me and said, "i'm going to be honest with you. this type of eating is meant for you to be in a treatment center" i nodded my head and told her that i agreed, wanting to burst into tears. she brought my mom in and advised her to look into admitting me to a treatment center. i couldn't believe this was happening. but i was glad it was, i wanted to get better. my dietician and therapist were supportive and helped us in finding the perfect place, Remuda Ranch.
On december 27 i was flying on a plane to arizona. i was so terrified. i was flying to the other side of the country and going to stay there for 4 months. in the early morning of december 28 someone from the facility picked up my parents and me from our hotel and drove us to the facility. when i got there it had finally hit me, i'm here. this lady showed me and my parents around and then took us into the house i was staying at to introduce me to the other girls there. the first girl i saw was beautiful, but with a feeding tube and very skinny. i thought i was going to cry. then after that i had to say goodbye to my parents. that was really hard.
for the next four months i went through refeeding, various types of intensive therapy, tears, and making lifelong friends. the people at the treatment center are the most amazing,caring, and beautiful people i have ever met. you spend everyday with these girls and get to know them so incredibly well. they are your support and shoulder to cry on. the different types of group therapy i did there were so helpful to me. i learned skills that i now use when i am in tough situations or going through a difficult time. one of the most helpful types of therapy for me while i was there was body image therapy. in that group i learned to accept my body the way it was and not see myself as fat when i looked in the mirror. i still struggle with that, but it's something i deal with and get through.
when it came time for me to check out of treatment and go home, i was happy, but also very sad. i had become connected to this place and to the girls and staff. i had made best friends and finally found people to trust. saying goodbye was probably the hardest thing i have ever done. i cried for so long while hugging all the girls goodbye. the plane ride home was horrible. i just wanted to be with my friends back in arizona. but at the same time, i couldnt help but be excited about finally going home! walking into my house and finally being free and happy again was such a wonderful feeling. i will never forget it.
now i have been home a little over two months. i have had my share of struggles, but i'm doing well. the hardest part of being home i think has been fixing my meals on my own and dealing with the lonliness of missing my friends from treatment. i still write them, call them, and talk to them often. but it's not the same as seeing them. hopefully one day we can have a reunion of some sort. that would be so awesome! I am so grateful for Remuda and how it saved my life. I have learned so much about myself and about life. While having an eating disorder was miserable, I am grateful that I came out on the other side healthy and alive. I am confident that my path to recovery will continue on for years to come.
. Have you considered getting involved with treatment centers for those with eating disorders to help give those with the same problems you had a second chance? You have been brought out of this experience for a reason, you should ask God what His plan for you is. I wish you the best of luck on your journey to full recovery and with sharing your testimony if you so choose.
