my situation

[chloe8982]

i am a surviver of sexual abuse, by my father. my father bused me in every way possible.....he is trying to keep in contact with me but i am not sure what i want. i have been hurt many times by my father, but he is my father is it right to cut alcommunication with family members that have done this kind of thing to you? or do you just keep a safe distance? i am also very confusd on why i feel like i hav to keep in contact with him at times. but most the time i want nothing to do with him. can anyone offer some help?

 

[cinnabunch]

From what I read in your other posts....the way you were raise...it sounds like it is dangerous to keep in contact with him. Some of you probably feel that you have no choice....but I don't think there can be a safe distance when abuse continues, physical, emotional or verbal.

I think that you reaching out to christian and establishing healthy friendships can help, because now you can have ppl praying for you.

blessings
cindy

 

[Tenebrae]

Chloe

((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))

I think each situation is different, and its important that you find out what will work for you. Do you think you will be able to cope with having continued contact with your dad?

If not I would say then dont have contact with him..... You need to have time to heal and get better, and if seeing your dad is something that would hinder that process, then yea,

 

[UnitynLove]

You still love him. But if you feel absolutly uncomfortable around him then I suggest setting boundaries.

 

[restore]

Stay connect with good christian friends and find a good church get healing as more as possible, and stay far from this "father".

 

[Solaris]

If he were not your biological father would you have anything to do with him? There are people who are toxic to other people. I avoid people who are toxic to me. Maybe I took it too far by moving as far away as I could and not be in another country. It helped me because it is easier for me not to fall into the trap of seeing them.

It is interesting how much people resist seeing their fathers for the detestable men some of them are. We want them to fit our fantasy of the father we should have had. They will never fit that fantasy.

 

[LazeyWinde]

I wouldn't ever wanna see anyone who hurt me that way but it's up to you Chloe. If you do decide to still see him make sure it's in a safe place where you aren't alone.
I'm sure you'll put a lot of thought and prayer into your decision. It's a tough one.

 

[chloe8982]

most of our commuication is via phone right now, i am concerned about him.

Yes i still love him, but how close should i let him get?

 

[sethad]

i am a surviver of sexual abuse, by my father. my father bused me in every way possible.....he is trying to keep in contact with me but i am not sure what i want. i have been hurt many times by my father, but he is my father is it right to cut alcommunication with family members that have done this kind of thing to you? or do you just keep a safe distance? i am also very confusd on why i feel like i hav to keep in contact with him at times. but most the time i want nothing to do with him. can anyone offer some help?

I cut off all contact with my family. Just because you're blood related doesnt mean you have some hidden compact to keep in touch with each other.

Do what you think is best for you, dont worry about him being family.

 

[Tenebrae]

most of our commuication is via phone right now, i am concerned about him.

Yes i still love him, but how close should i let him get?

You let him get as close as you are able to deal with. Sorry its so vague, however each person has different limits on what they can deal with.

You need to take care of you first

 

[UnitynLove]

You going to have to determine how close that is that your willing to get. Whatever you feel comfortable with. Pray for him.

 

[SearchingSister]

I have continued relationship with my brother who abused me. It's not easy. I felt like I didn't really have a choice about it at the time.

If you decide to have a relationship, just have realistic expectations. I have now accepted that I will never fully trust my bro again, and that I will never have the relationship that we used to, and that is ok.

I can't honestly say that I made the right decision, because I don't know. It's been about a year, and it is still hard. But somehow, cutting him out of my life completely just didn't seem like a solution. Perhaps try relationship counselling?
GOD BLESS

 

[Solaris]

most of our commuication is via phone right now, i am concerned about him.

Yes i still love him, but how close should i let him get?

Not close at all. Has he gone though a treatment program? And even if he had, why would you want to be around someone who abused you?
I would stay away from him if I were you because I do not need the turmoil or the drama. Feel inside, feel your feelings, Love may not be the emotion at all. The father daughter relationship is very different from the brother sister relationship in the nature of the power relationships. He violated his position of trust. In Alanon I have met many people who refuse to have contact with their parents because contact would be bad for the Alanon member.

 

[Johnnz]

As we are healed we can face situations that previously were off limits. So, time will be important.

People can and do change. If yourfather can genuinley see his wrongs and properly try to putthings right then that will be a different situation from one where he denies or minimises.

The desire for a dad to be there for us is deeply implanted by God. Sadly, some fathers don't meaure up and leave incredible pain behind.

John
NZ

 

[rosesandravens]

There's an old saying that "we can choose our friends, but not our families". I've found in my own experience that often blood is no thicker than water; just because I share a bit of DNA with them doesn't mean I have to put up with detestable behaviour I wouldn't tolerate from anyone else. You are the most important thing. You father betrayed you in the worst possible way - frankly, you owe him nothing. He doesn't deserve your love. *hug*

 

[InTheCloud]

A father who does that to his daughter does not deserve to be called a father. But I know a child often love their parents no matter what. Have he recoginzed the damage he did to you? Have he apologized? In other forums you have tell that you have worked in the sex industry something that you now regret. Your father abuse is the most likely reason you ended in that line of "work". To be forgiven someone must recognize his sins.
Keep him at distance, the phone is close enough. And if you have to see him in person, demand an apologize first and do not meet him alone. He does not deserve you.

 

[WormwoodDreams]

just because he is blood related does not mean you own him anything. I'm adopted so I know this well. You don't have to share DNA to be a family and you don't have to put up with those who do share your DNA. His past behavior proves he can not be trusted you must look out for yourself first.

 

[BigToe]

What he did was wrong, end of story. If you feel the best way to take care of yourself and heal and be able to move on is to cut contact, then cut contact. If you think that won't make it better, perhaps you can just test it with very very limited contact?

 

[Patrina]

I understand this delimma because it is exactly what I have seen in my own life. I want to know him, but honestly not really. I just feel obligated to be there for a father who was never there for me, except to abuse me.
That contact has been very bad for me. It hurt me more than it did anything else.
Might help to figure out why you want to keep in contact.

 

[AlbertFish]

he is still your father, jesus would forgive him if his repentence is honest. you should do the same.
try not to wear anything suggestive around him, you could send out the wrong signal.