My Selfish not-so-Godly Struggle

[child0fg0d88]

Hello all, I am brand new to these forums.

I am having a very ridiculous struggle right now, and it shouldn't be affecting me as much as it is.

I have been dating a girl for about 5 months now, neither of us are virgins, my own sexual history and decision is much more "questionable" than her own. We have decided to wait until marriage until we reach that point. We want to do it God's way this time instead of the world's way.

However, I have grown weak, and have tried to take our relationship to that point before, but God bless her, she has turned me down. Now my predicament is that I am jealous that she has had sex before, which is ridiculous because I have more of a past than she does and she is willing to wait for me until marriage despite what I've done.

I told myself after my marriage ended that I want to do this right and wait until marriage when I meet the right girl. My faith had grown stronger at that point and I was willing to do the right thing.

Now, I'm growing weaker in my faith when I should be getting stronger. I am praying less, not going to church as much, and now I am judging the most wonderful girl I have ever met (internally mind you, I would never tell her I am judging her). I am putting images in my head of her being with other guys, even though I've been with other girls, and all sorts of ridiculous things are going through my head.

I have been praying more lately, but at times the feeling of dread comes back, and it's hard to make it go away.

I'm thinking what I need to do is focus on the qualities I love about her more, instead of the ones I don't. I also need to pray more, and not judge her for what she did before me, because that's just it, it was BEFORE me... especially when I have no room to talk... The last thing I need to do is be completely right with God, I can do all things through Him who strengthens me, and I know he has helped others through far worse struggles than this.

Any other advice would be welcome.

 

[MasterpieceMesias]

how much do you like this girl??

 

[Lovingchristjesus]

Good evening,

Since Christian Marriage is about the gospel, she's needs a Godly Husband to lead her.I think what's most important in a Christian relationship is supporting each other's relationship with Christ. I see that you are aware that you two need to support each other in submitting to Christ. She should pray for you too if she knows of this struggle. It's beautiful that God is giving you that desire to stay pure.
Think about the more you two become strong in Christ, you can see God's beautiful plan for both of you!

I am a Christian woman and have been dating my boyfriend for five months as well. I'm not going to say trying my best to keep my mind pure has been easy ! The Lord is convicts me to keep focus on Jesus.

This will help:
1.Keep up with praying
2.Get into God's word
3.Get into a Men's accountability groups! Get involved with Mens bible study from church. Fellowship with Christian brothers is important.They may understand where you are coming from and support you.

 

[TruthSeeker2012]

..However, I have grown weak, and have tried to take our relationship to that point before, but God bless her, she has turned me down. Now my predicament is that I am jealous that she has had sex before...

You are a stumbling block to her. You should set her free from your negative influence. Sometimes the most loving and mature thing you can do for someone is set them free from the evil and sinful influence of yourself.

If this relationship continues, it seems your jealosy will become toxic and you will continue to encourage her to have sex with you outside of marriage.

You are a bad influence on this girl and if you truly love her, you will protect her from yourself. I know it's tough to admit that you need to leave someone to protect them from sin and yourself, I speak from personal experience, I have had to do it, and I was hurting at the time, but I am glad I did, because she eventually found a wonderful man who did not cause her to stumble in sin as I was doing and he was not a jealous man as I was. I am happy for her, and I did the right thing to set her free because I cared for her too much to be around the negative and sinful influence off my myself. I suggest you do likewise, unless you are a selfish man and someone who doesn't care about her welfare.

I can empathise with you, I have had to protect someone from me before by letting them go and letting them free because I could not bring myself to bring her into my sinful world and causing her to stumble.

If you truly love Christ and truly love her, then protect her from you and your sinful influence and let her free.

God bless.

 

[child0fg0d88]

how much do you like this girl??

I love her and have stronger feelings than any other woman before.

@ Truth Seeker- I'll admit, I am the jealous type, always have and may always will be, with that being said, I have been in this predicament before and I know time has helped me feel better. Not to mention, I am looking to God this time. I understand what you are saying... but it also sounds like you believe I should give up on myself as well, and that I am incapable of any change. I was feeling hurt about this awhile ago too, but over time and through prayer it has eased up a lot. At the moment I am TDY, haven't seen her in weeks, still going to be a couple months until I see her again, and I have a lot of downtime and have too much time to think, but I have been starting to replace negative thoughts with more positive ones.

I also should have clarified, that when I tried to "make moves" on her I was unaware that she wanted to wait until marriage, and she has helped me see the light even more. Now with that information, do you still think I should let her go, or should I continue to further improve my relationship with God and her?

 

[TruthSeeker2012]

I love her and have stronger feelings than any other woman before.

@ Truth Seeker- I'll admit, I am the jealous type, always have and may always will be, with that being said, I have been in this predicament before and I know time has helped me feel better. Not to mention, I am looking to God this time. I understand what you are saying... but it also sounds like you believe I should give up on myself as well, and that I am incapable of any change. ..

NO my friend, I am NOT saying give up on yourself, and I believe you can change, but in time, not overnight!

If you truly love her, then set her free, and begin a journey of self-growth and self-improvement and conquer your sexual desires and spirit of jealousy before you commit to anyone.

It is not fair on her at this stage you dragging her along your path, you will only cause her to stumble in sin, as you continue to pressure her for sex and continue to show spirit of jealousy.

Let her go, set her free, protect her from yourself and your sins, and protect her from stumbling and falling into sin.

Maybe one day in the future, you can commit to someone else, if you have conquered your sexual sins and sexual desires and if you have grown enough in maturity to have overcome the spirit of jealousy.

If you truly care about her and love her, then you will make the right choice and protect her from yourself. But if you are a selfish and self-centered man, then I guess you will reject my counsel and have it your way anyway and cause her distress and stumbling.

Your choice, but your choice will decide who you truly will become as a person.

God bless.

 

[Leonfrost]

Hello all, I am brand new to these forums.

I am having a very ridiculous struggle right now, and it shouldn't be affecting me as much as it is.

I have been dating a girl for about 5 months now, neither of us are virgins, my own sexual history and decision is much more "questionable" than her own. We have decided to wait until marriage until we reach that point. We want to do it God's way this time instead of the world's way.

However, I have grown weak, and have tried to take our relationship to that point before, but God bless her, she has turned me down. Now my predicament is that I am jealous that she has had sex before, which is ridiculous because I have more of a past than she does and she is willing to wait for me until marriage despite what I've done.

I told myself after my marriage ended that I want to do this right and wait until marriage when I meet the right girl. My faith had grown stronger at that point and I was willing to do the right thing.

Now, I'm growing weaker in my faith when I should be getting stronger. I am praying less, not going to church as much, and now I am judging the most wonderful girl I have ever met (internally mind you, I would never tell her I am judging her). I am putting images in my head of her being with other guys, even though I've been with other girls, and all sorts of ridiculous things are going through my head.

I have been praying more lately, but at times the feeling of dread comes back, and it's hard to make it go away.

I'm thinking what I need to do is focus on the qualities I love about her more, instead of the ones I don't. I also need to pray more, and not judge her for what she did before me, because that's just it, it was BEFORE me... especially when I have no room to talk... The last thing I need to do is be completely right with God, I can do all things through Him who strengthens me, and I know he has helped others through far worse struggles than this.

Any other advice would be welcome.

Please take a look at your private messages

 

[paul1149]

I think that in order to gain the strength and guidance you need to straighten this out, you need to consciously and consistently place God above your relationship with her. Make sure that He comes first in all things, including this. If you do, He will protect you from pressing things too far.

 

[child0fg0d88]

I think I need to clarify... I have not pressured her into trying to have sex since she told me she wanted to wait until marriage.

 

[1Prophetess]

Get involved in a men's group at your church or suggested by your pastor. You definitely need help with this jealousy issue or you will ruin your relationship. Don't marry her or have sex with her until you can control it. Jealousy is more cruel than the grave, and you don't need death in your relationship.

 

[Peripatetic]

Your struggles are not uncommon, especially for a person with a sexual past. First and foremost, be on guard about your faith. Satan uses guilt and condemnation related to sexual issues as a primary target to shake our faith.

 

[TruthSeeker2012]

Get involved in a men's group at your church or suggested by your pastor. You definitely need help with this jealousy issue or you will ruin your relationship. Don't marry her or have sex with her until you can control it. Jealousy is more cruel than the grave, and you don't need death in your relationship.

I agree. The spirit of jealousy is one very nasty spirit that has destroyed many lives, including people terrorizing their partners, to making death threats, to killing and to driving someone emotionally and psychologically damaged.

If he has a jealous issue, he should not get involved with someone until one day in the future he controls it or has some form of victory over it. Jelousy is very toxic and very harmful to all concerned.

God bless.

 

[child0fg0d88]

Your struggles are not uncommon, especially for a person with a sexual past. First and foremost, be on guard about your faith. Satan uses guilt and condemnation related to sexual issues as a primary target to shake our faith.

I have not looked at it that way before... That these thoughts are evil and have no place in this relationship with God, or my relationship with my GF. I appreciate that insight and everyone else's as well.

 

[TruthSeeker2012]

I have not looked at it that way before... That these thoughts are evil and have no place in this relationship with God, or my relationship with my GF. I appreciate that insight and everyone else's as well.

But it's important you take full responsibility and ownership off your thoughts, and not blame "external forces" or Satan for your jealousy or thoughts about wanting sex and causing her to stumble in sin.

The onus is on you to change, and not Satan's fault. If you blame Satan or "external forces" then you try to excuse your own sins and try to justify your jealousy, and then there is no hope to grow and change.

Give some thought to what I have said please. You seem like a nice kid, I hope it works out for you, and please remind yourself, "If I were Jesus, what would Jesus do, and how would Jesus relate to her".

God bless.

 

[Peripatetic]

I agree. The spirit of jealousy is one very nasty spirit that has destroyed many lives, including people terrorizing their partners, to making death threats, to killing and to driving someone emotionally and psychologically damaged.

If he has a jealous issue, he should not get involved with someone until one day in the future he controls it or has some form of victory over it. Jelousy is very toxic and very harmful to all concerned.

God bless.

TruthSeeker: I won't ask if you've ever been in love, but if you have, I'm sure you know that it is very difficult so completely avoid jealousy in relationships. The more we love someone, the greater the chance for insecurity. But there is a big difference between typical pangs of jealousy and the kind that you describe above. It needs to be managed, but it doesn't mean that a person is going down a dark, sinful path just because they are struggling with jealousy.

 

[wiriamu23]

Get an accountability partner. It will really help you.

 

[child0fg0d88]

TruthSeeker: I won't ask if you've ever been in love, but if you have, I'm sure you know that it is very difficult so completely avoid jealousy in relationships. The more we love someone, the greater the chance for insecurity. But there is a big difference between typical pangs of jealousy and the kind that you describe above. It needs to be managed, but it doesn't mean that a person is going down a dark, sinful path just because they are struggling with jealousy.

Exactly, right now I am managing it far better than I have in the past... trust me I am leagues above where I used to be, but I do want to get better, and I know time, prayer, a better relationship with God will help tremendously, and I am able to actually talk about it to my GF in a very calm and understanding way and I have told her what makes me jealous and she understand because she said she gets the feelings too sometimes. From experience, time alone helped me before. Now, I have an arsenal of weapons on my side and this is something I will conquer, and am already in the process of conquering partly due to much of your guys' help, but mainly to God.

@ Truthseeker I did do the WWJD earlier today before I even saw your post, and He told me "I would love her anyways." Her and I are not the same people as before, so I am going to start focusing on the present and our futures together rather than our past mistakes. We are doing this God's way, no longer the worlds way. I know we will have ups and downs, but I know my jealousy will not ruin this relationship, I will not let that happen.

 

[1Prophetess]

Child:

I would imagine we've all had those feelings at one time. It is easy to want to be the first with your lover. But life happens. It might help to ask her if she wants to be with that "first" person or not, if she wishes she could try again. I would bet she will say "No way!" If so, what would you be jealous of? That she had a physical thing happen that she doesn't ever want to happen again with that person? Is that worth your jealousy?

Although it is preferred that a person is a virgin when they marry, did you save yourself for her? How can you want her to have saved herself if you did not? Is that fairness on your part?

If a person is not a virgin, and if they have not been active sexually with a lot of people, then she has saved herself for you! She had a sexual relationship, realized it was not a good thing with anyone prior to being married, and decided that she didn't want to make that mistake again. You should be very happy that this woman is intelligent enough to realize she makes mistakes and correct her path. You should be very happy that she is doing all she can to obey the Lord! If you live with a woman like this the rest of your life, think how many times that kind of intelligence will come in handy during your lifetime? If you don't break her down and put her in a position that she has sex with you prior to marriage, think how much resolve she will have to be faithful to you throughout your life! She won the battle against sexual sin, so she will continue to believe that she can continue to win it after marriage. If she looses the battle to remain pure until marriage, she has lost the battle again so that she might think after marriage, "oh well, this other guy wants me, and I've never been able to resist anyway so..." Seriously, this is a battle you WANT her to win!

Now you can abuse her over it, but the alternative is that she could have married you as a virgin, later decide that it would be fun to see what it was like to be with someone else, and be unfaithful to you just because she hadn't had any other experiences and wondered what other men are like. As it is, she knows, and she has been there, and she doesn't want to return. I would say that, once committed this time, she won't choose to leave because she's already "been there, done that, don't want any more of that."

If you do enough praying and seeking God prior to your marriage, you have only a very small bit of baggage to get rid of--sin creates baggage. Of course, if you are successful in pushing her to have sex, then you've added that baggage too. But God will clean you both up so that you both can live without this baggage IF you pray instead of fill your mind with sinful thoughts like let's do it before we're married.

Instead of jealousy (which is of the devil to destroy your relationship), you should be praying together that the Lord will direct your paths, that you are cleansed from what you've done in the past, and that the Lord will keep you holy until the day He approves of your marriage. Concentrate on the right things prior to marriage instead of the wrong things. YOU should be the leader in this instead of the beggar begging for just a little handout.

I truly believe that we humans are very limited in our ability to think and that either the Lord or the demonic forces guide our thinking. You can see this throughout the Bible--either right thinking or stinking thinking. If your jealousy was one or the other of these two (Godly or demonic thinking), which would it be?

The Bible says in I Thess 5: 11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Is jealousy encouraging?

Proverbs 27: 4 Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming,
but who can stand before jealousy?

It doesn't sound like jealousy is the ticket to life and happiness.

Song of Solomon 8: for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.

Do you want your feelings for her to be compared to the grave? I would imagine that would be a very negative comparison, and I would also imagine that it suggests that jealousy will drive love to the grave. Does that sound like something you want?

The Bible also says in I John 1: 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

I would suggest that you confess this jealousy to the Lord and ask Him to take it away from you. I do not think it came from the Lord. If not, it is likely sin.

What finally helped me realize that I could not condemn another Christian for what they had done was Romans 1: 1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus...

If Jesus does not find reason to condemn a Christian, who am I to condemn anyone? I've been saved by grace, and if I'm saved by grace, is it showing grace to condemn a person?

I'd say no. Furthermore, by condemning a person (jealousy is condemnation), then I'd say I was stepping up to Jesus' role. That means that I'm being arrogant to think I have the right to condemn anyone. To condemn, I'd have to be the master or king. Are you? If you're not Jesus, and if Jesus (the King of Kings) does not condemn, then who are you?

Jealousy is actually arrogance IMHO because it wants to condemn and not build others up.

JMHO

 

[cfyahoo08]

Hello all, I am brand new to these forums.

I am having a very ridiculous struggle right now, and it shouldn't be affecting me as much as it is.

I have been dating a girl for about 5 months now, neither of us are virgins, my own sexual history and decision is much more "questionable" than her own. We have decided to wait until marriage until we reach that point. We want to do it God's way this time instead of the world's way.

However, I have grown weak, and have tried to take our relationship to that point before, but God bless her, she has turned me down. Now my predicament is that I am jealous that she has had sex before, which is ridiculous because I have more of a past than she does and she is willing to wait for me until marriage despite what I've done.

I told myself after my marriage ended that I want to do this right and wait until marriage when I meet the right girl. My faith had grown stronger at that point and I was willing to do the right thing.

Now, I'm growing weaker in my faith when I should be getting stronger. I am praying less, not going to church as much, and now I am judging the most wonderful girl I have ever met (internally mind you, I would never tell her I am judging her). I am putting images in my head of her being with other guys, even though I've been with other girls, and all sorts of ridiculous things are going through my head.

I have been praying more lately, but at times the feeling of dread comes back, and it's hard to make it go away.

I'm thinking what I need to do is focus on the qualities I love about her more, instead of the ones I don't. I also need to pray more, and not judge her for what she did before me, because that's just it, it was BEFORE me... especially when I have no room to talk... The last thing I need to do is be completely right with God, I can do all things through Him who strengthens me, and I know he has helped others through far worse struggles than this.

Any other advice would be welcome.

Pray for help, Go on Group dates.

 

[child0fg0d88]

Been awhile since I originally brought this up. But I want you all to know, I am doing fantastic now, and over the past couple of weeks have not only grown closer to God, but closer to my girlfriend.

The thing that made me stop and realize how wrong I was when she told me she had asked for forgiveness, and wants to wait for me. God has forgiven her, and by me still upsetting myself about this, I was putting myself above God... That realization dawned on me and I stopped thinking the way I was thinking. I asked Him for forgiveness because my thoughts were sinful and I was very wrong to be thinking the way I was.

I have to admit, the stuff still creeps up on me every once and awhile, but I cast it out and start praying. It's no longer something that's eating me alive.

Something I would like to ask you all though is that after I told her I felt better about everything and all that, I asked her for us to let our pasts go, and not bring them up anymore. She agreed of course, and we agreed we wanted to look to our futures together instead of back to where we were. We both know enough about each others pasts now that we don't need additional information. After this talk though, she has begun referencing her ex's more, like in passing such as "This chick is ticking me off more than any of my ex's ever did" and other similar things...

Maybe I shouldn't say anything and just let it go, and she is worth much more than the jealous pangs I get (that's all they are now, not near as painful) and I am willing to go through the hurt each time she references an ex or past relationship.... But I don't feel like that is right either. I'm wondering what I should say if she brings something like that up again, or if I should say nothing. Thanks again for the help everybody!!