My Reflection :(

[Jclovesu]

We'll I think I've been over this before, once or twice.

Last year I had an eating disorder, Im glad it didn't get to serious, I mean, it was serious, but I could have been so WORSE off.
I lost 20k's in 3 weeks, and I kinda worried everyone.
I have a boyfriend, and friends who are completley happy with the way I look, yet, Im not, I'm always being told I'm beautiful, but I neglect those thoughts.
I suck in all the bad nasty thoughts, and all the good stuff goes out the window, I guess I'm stuck in my past which Im currently working on.

We'll anyway, over the holidays (2 Months ) I put on 10k's and I freaked out simply because I was planning on going to school, slimmer, tonned, tanned, and smarter, and trying to drag myself out of depression.
I'm working on the depression, and the effort to do more of my work is slowly going we'll also.
Since I've started going back to school, I've become more concerned about my weight.

I confessed to one of the girls at church the other night how highly jelous I was of her, and I wanted to be just like her, shes given me a book that I'm soon to start reading to help me, she told me she used to be the same way, I couldn't believe it.

I've been teased all my life, and it's scared me.
I feel like I'm wanting to sink back into the eating disorder, because its how I lost weight so easy once who says I wont loose it that easy again, however, I'm stuck.

My boyfriend loves me for me, and so do a couple of my friends and family, but my friends and family will always love me.
I'm worried If I change my image so drastically and dangerously that he will worry to much, and he wont love me for who I've become.
I have thought about the pro's and con's I guess, and its brought me to a trap.

I dont wan't to get sick, I dont want to be hospitalised with brittle bones, looking dead etc, I'm already sick enough.
I just want to appreciate how I look for once, instead of looking in the mirror and seeing everything I've either hated through my personality (which is in the process of being fixed ) but the main issue, is what I actually "see" in the mirror.

I'm sorry I know this was long and I appreciate those who have actually read this, and not just passed a browsing eye.
God Bless you and thank you ever so much.


'Jc

 

[goldenviolet]

Jclovesu God bless you sweetheart. we visit the same struggles sometimes. like our walk with Jesus, it's a daily choice and daily commitment. so much to learn in life. so many struggles without giving in. i'm glad you see this... that it will only get worse if we give in.

God bless you. you come give us long posts or shorts ones any time you want!
ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE IN HIM WHO STRENGTHENS ME

 

[Jclovesu]

thank you so much, its just driving me loco

'Jc

 

[Celtic Camel]

Hey sweetie...
Hang in there - keep fighting it... it's definitely not worth returning to ed behaviour. Keep working through things - past, thoughts, etc... Know that God loves you and we're praying for you.

 

[Jclovesu]

Ill try my hardest, it's just so hard, I feel lost.
Thank you for the support everyone.
I'm not giving in yet, Im not ready to give in.

'Jc

 

[katey]

Ill try my hardest, it's just so hard, I feel lost.
Thank you for the support everyone.
I'm not giving in yet, Im not ready to give in.

'Jc

i know exactly how you are feeling. i had an ed last year but have fallen back into it slightly. i don't want to give up but i've got so much going on its so hard just to keep fighting and kep going. am tired physically and emotionally. and it seems to so much easier to give in. i don't like what i see in the mirror but thats because i don't know who i am anymore. my friends don't even know me. my family seems to think they do but they only see the parts that i show them(which is normalyl a mask) i don't want them to worry about me.
i did manage to put weight back on towards the end of last year wen i was 'recovering' but i'm just loosing it again no matter what i try and do but i'm not letting anyone see it. and thats my gfault just like everything else.
but if your determined not to give in then you will keep fighting it. hope things are going ok for you, i will pray for you.
if you need to talk we are all here.

 

[Jclovesu]

Yeah, thats pretty much how I feel, I try not to eat but I continue.
It sucks really Im torn between eating and not, I guess Im in the middle, Its weird to explain, I just wish I wasn't so upset with myself...
It's starting to drive me insane because I have to choose one or the other, and I know the consequences of both sides, and i know which one would be the better option, but I just cant, I'm really struggling.

'Jc

 

[katey]

Yeah, thats pretty much how I feel, I try not to eat but I continue.
It sucks really Im torn between eating and not, I guess Im in the middle, Its weird to explain, I just wish I wasn't so upset with myself...
It's starting to drive me insane because I have to choose one or the other, and I know the consequences of both sides, and i know which one would be the better option, but I just cant, I'm really struggling.

'Jc

yeah its so hard. i have the problem at the moment that i don't have an appetite so am just not eating anything at all. so people are forcing me to eat something which then makes me feel bad and i hate it. its not fair on my mates. they shouldnt have to worry about me like that they all have their own problems. i know the difference between what i am doing and what i should be doing. but because i have tried things as they should be and everything just fell apart its not worht the pain to try angain at least this way i have some control over what i am doing.

 

[Jclovesu]

My friends proberbly wouldnt do that lol.
however I asked them last year If they would.
atm, I have a really big appetite which is making me feel horrible.
So I have stuck to healthy stuff all day really...
I still feel pretty bad.

'Jc

 

[Jclovesu]

I've been eating healthy latley, and I've been pigging out on dried fruit mix stuff for the past 2 days, my mum wanted some this morning, and there wasnt much left she said "disgusting" as If I was a pig Im starting to loose my grip I really am, I know she's just worrying about me because she doesnt want me to be overweight like I was ages ago and being depressed again, but she didn't have to be so blunt, I feel so fat, and I feel like such a pig

 

[katey]

aww hun, i know what its liek when parents are blunt. i don't have a good relationship with my mum at all. i do try my best and ignore the comments that she makes at me, but it is so hard. its not your fault so don't think it is. when i do have a big appetite i try and eat little and often rather than large amounts at one time. i know that sounds so much easier said than done. but i haven't had an appetite for a while i'm just munching not properly eating. and yes i am looosing weight. but its my way of controling my life at the moment.i know its wrong and i shouldnt do it but i am doing it. anyway i have to go now so will shut up.

 

[Jclovesu]

Hey, thanks yeah parents can be blunt.
Especially at the wrong times.
Thank you heaps, I've had realy bad self esteem over everything today, because I've been pigging out on the most fattiest stuf, like thismorning I had a small bowl of cereal then when I goto school a ham and cheese crossaint, and ever since then I've eaten nothing but like chocolate!
I hate it so much!! today all its been about is chocolate chocolate, and I've never been like this before.
I think its due to stressful situations though...

'Jc

 

[Jclovesu]

Thats it, I'm so close to giving up.
I'm sick of looking at myself and going oh your so fat etc, I'm sick of being told that I eat to much
I just cant handle the fight anymore, I'm so so close to giving up

 

[bumblebee62331]

 

[Jclovesu]

thanks byootaful...

 

[bumblebee62331]

thanks byootaful...

Sorry, I desperately want to write something but I'm talking to a friend on msn right now who's in a very very bad place. I hope to come back soon and write properly, so at the moment, all I can offer is a prayer and a hug.

 

[katey]

Thats it, I'm so close to giving up.
I'm sick of looking at myself and going oh your so fat etc, I'm sick of being told that I eat to much
I just cant handle the fight anymore, I'm so so close to giving up

i know how your feeling about the giving up, i am so close to that to everything seems to be falling apart around me and its gettin so hard just to get through the day at the moment.
i won't look at myself in the mirro because i don't know the eflection, and i don't like what i see it just seesm to be gettin worse.

am praying for you

 

[Jclovesu]

thank you all

 

[Jclovesu]

My worst enemy has revealed something.
Something that I Hate so much
The scales... "sigh" I guess that is the main thing
that effects me... It hit me pretty hard when Im close to gaining that 20kgs that I lost, Its such a let down, maybe I should go back to salad sandwhiches...

'Jc

 

[katey]

i just want to giv you a big .

i know how hard ti is for you. i have been away this past wek i got back yesterday and saw some m,ates and th first thing they said to me is you've not bveen eating again you have lost more weight. its like thats all they r botherd about is the way i look. it really upset me aswell.