My problems with women with a past

[robin29]

Okey, here goes.
I doubt many women will answer this one, but I think many will read it.
My problem is complex, and I don`t want to go into all yet, but I can present a part of it.
Heres a section from my journal:

But then I came home. with nobody there. Alone behind the computer again. Feeling sad and confused. I`m seeing this girl, dating her. Not in a sexually way, more like friends. But there`s a certain interest in us both.

But I feel miserable, because I`m judging her - in my heart. She have told me about her past. She have lived a very ... shall I say, promiscuous life. And I try to not judge her by that. I truly belive in a second change. But there is something inside me - feelings about making choises as you go. and not give in to tempation. I have done this. Not with a light heart.

I have said no to many women. Because of my belife. But there is always this feeling like I`m missed something. You know what I mean?! Going home lonely instead of spending some time with somebody is very hard. and maybe I have become bitter, in a way. Maybe that`s the reason I`m judging my friend.

So that`s my problem. I can`t meet any woman and not I think of her as a "[censored]". There`s been to many stories from to many girlfriends. I have a gift that often lets people talk openly to me. Also the women I meet. After a while, when we have dated for a while. We talk about things. and many want to talk about their sexuality. Their past. They take me as a caring, forgiven man - and I want to live up to those ideals. I don`t want to judge them. But it just happens. something inside of me goes click. The princess goes from being a ... princess to suddeny the most low rated .... you know whatt I mean.

I am what you can call a closet christian. Works with non-chritians all day long. Most of the women I meet are non-chr. But some are not. And the worst part is, their no different. At least not he ones I meet. I`m really somebody trying to live without the sex, because it messes me up (more about that in a later post). But i have met christian girls that wont stopp flirting, seducing me. One of them was even married . I had a 2 month affair with her, before she said it to her husband. Their marriage hasn`t recovered from that. And I was in love with her. I wnt severals years, without sex, crazy in love with her. Still is, when I think about it.

The point is - modern young women scares me. It seems like many lives out their sexual fantasies. Not all the time. But several a year. My impression is that single men are using porn rather than he real thing. Right now I could not start a relationship with a woman with a past. Because it doesn`t fel fair, in a way. I know this will sound childish for many, but it is my feeling about it. It is not fair because I have lived my life according to the book, and waited for the right one. and the rihgt one isn`t the women I meet daily. Makes me want to make a time machine and go 200 years back in time.

Sorry about me ranting. Dont get me wrong. I like women. I really love them. As friends, co-workers. I like to chill with girls. But when it comes to the sex (as it oftens does after a while, and believe me, I`m not pushing it), these feeling about them starts inside. And the friendship is over.

I know men dont like to talk about this. Both christians and non-chr. But I hope somebody here can give me some comforting wise lines

 

[Johnnz]

There is always sexual potential in any relationship bewteen the sexes. God made it that way. We just need to cope with it properly. It seems to me that you are frightened about doing something wrong. Fine, but every guy whohas begun relationship with a girl will run into the same issues. You need to set our standards,and trust yourself to honour them, recognising that sexual feelings will arise with any closeness. And, sex is a big issue for so many people. If you are a good listener women will talk. That is great, provided you don't get overwhelmed by what they tell you.

Try trusting your self more both inkeeping to your standards and in enjoying female friends.

John
NZ

 

[njcl]

firstly if you think your going to find a whiter than white virgin with no sexual thoughts,desires or past history in the world of unbelieving women then your deluding yourself,i have been on this internet for 3 years and nearly every woman ive met was sex obsessed and thats the truth,even on this forum i may add also,i have an internet g/f {in my sig}......i now try to avoid talking the adult women as i know whats going to happen,even if you talk about god all the time they fall for you and start desiring you sexually,my advise is this,talk with women,choose the one you like the most in the looks and personality department,put up with her no doubt sexual comments desires,they cool down after a while,then see where you go afterwards

 

[Equineartchick]

I don't agree, njcl. No one should have to settle for a "decently interesting girl" and wait for her sexual desires to cool down. That is NOT God's plan!

God has a perfect person waiting just for you, robin. My guess is when the right one comes along, God will put such a true love inside you that you will not judge her mistakes because you love her so much. God is the one who gives that love.

In addition, if you are staying sexually pure, then I am sure God will honor that and I'm nearly positive he'll send a girl your way that feels and acts the same. Just be patient. Pursue God for now, and let Him send you the right girl in His timing. There's no need to be dating at all if you ask me. I've never dated anyone and I don't regret it. I will not settle for someone I feel is not honoring God with their body, either. It's not that they are a bad person, not at all. It is just that I know God has someone with my beliefs and care to stick to them waiting for me, and I will keep myself pure until God reveals him. I trust that my future spouse is doing the same.

That's my two cents worth.

 

[robin29]

Thanks for the good word. I have been to naive, I think. Growing up with this notion of a princess. These things happens, I think, when you live isolated from sexual contact.

 

[Equineartchick]

lol I don't view that as being naive, though. God does have your perfect princess somewhere, I'm sure of it.

 

[pamaris]

I was a promiscuous teen, made a zillion bad decisions. Had a lot of emotional issues; it felt good to be wanted and to have power in some way, after growing up in a very oppressive, legalistic condemnatory atmosphere. I was a Christian the whole time I was doing these things, although a total backslider I still prayed and asked for forgiveness everytime, even though I was numb to it. The point is, there was a lot more going on than just me being a sl-t. I wanted love, just went about it the wrong way. Don't be so condemning of these girls. It is to be expected in this age, although it's wrong... girls don't understand their worth and they don't know how to be pure. I repented eventually and changed my ways. Thank goodness that the Lord sees me without spot, wrinkle or blemish and thankgoodness He has healed me from the pain I put myself through. Thank goodness I found a husband who sees me as Christ sees me, or else we both would have missed out on a great marriage and 2 gorgeous kiddos.

You're not any more pure than these girls you are talking to if you had an affair with a married woman.

I hope I am not being harsh but this really struck a chord with me... because even when I was a virgin I was not viewed as one of the virginal princesses that the church boys sought after so that's why I didn't date Christians. They were such hypocrites in that they claimed to be so pure and were so proud of themselves for being virgins but FORGIVENESS is what being a Christian is all about. There is none righteous, no not one-- virgin or not. I would have loved to date a Christian boy who would respect me and not take me down the paths I went.

Even after I repented and came back to the Lord when I was 22 I knew I would not get far with the Christian guys. Thankfully I just left it to the Lord and he brought me my husband who never made an issue of my past. I told him I "had a past" but that was it. No details.

For goodness sakes if you lust in your heart Jesus said that it is the same as committing adultery. Are you that pure that you have never lusted in your heart? Doubtful.

You've just got to understand that most women, particularly Christian women, regret their decisions to be promiscuous. These women were very fragile in the past and have been damaged emotionally and spiritually by the things they have done. The Lord forgives them, heals their scars and makes them PURE again. If it is good enough for Him it has to be good enough for you. It is a terrible testimony to claim to be a CHristian and not have the ability to forgive something that didn't even have anything to do with you.

You want to change your thinking so that is good... how about this. Don't let women divulge their sexual details to you. Tell them ahead of time that you don't want to know. Talking about it gets your mind reeling. A woman/ man can be a virgin and have a completely impure mind and heart. And a woman/ man can have a promiscuous past, repent of their ways, and have a more pure mind and heart than the virgin.

 

[robin29]

I`ll wait for my princess.

 

[robin29]

Pamaris - I`m glad that you found your man and now have a family.
As for forgiveness - some people don`t care to know the past, some do. I would of course prefer to be the first one, but I`m not. So why be in a relationship, and fight over these thoughts every day. It`s best to break it, and give the other person a change to meet somebody with the ability to foregive. As for myself - maybe I`m one of those people Jesus talked about - the ones that should not be married. I know that not many people talk about His word on this, but I start to feel, in a way, the meanings behind the words.
Another thing - there`s this red line with girls with a past. They seem to be very non-sexual about it. Like their trying to come up with all kind of stuff, but not the core of it. They try to find motivations for it later on. To make it easy upon their self.

Case example:
Long time ago, I knew this girl, that began a sort of sexual journey. Making the town unsafe, you could say. I was one of the few men she didn`t sleep with. Well, she was humiliating me, saying very tough things. She found my "purity" as a threat. Like the christian boys you was talking about. I was one of them!! Looked upon the "Fleshorama" as a sort of observer.
Then - a few years later, I met her again. This time she had changed (good for her).
She was telling me all sorts of things, the motivations she had at that time. It had nothing to do with sex. Not even lust. She had found a solution for herself.

Well - I`m for that. Everybody needs to have a solution about something in the past. But my point is - I saw her motivations at the time. Of course, theres something going on in the mind, that I dont see. Maybe it`s a mixture of both. Maybe girls have a more complex attitude about it. Mixing lust with all sorts of feelings. That way, they can go away from the lust thing, and consentrate on the feeling aspect. A man can`t do the same, you know. Because it`s all about lust. That`s why girls have a easier time being forgiving, because it was never about the lust. Never about living out all the fantasies and desire. It was about 100`s of other things.

Sorry! I know that I sound like a priest from 1675. But I`m so tired of the Brave New World.
As for the affair. I`m not proud. I should not give in.

As for repenting. I`m all for that, but I DON`T believe in 100 % new purity in heart and mind. Our soul isn`t a harddisk, that you can erase. We can change our perspective and way of living, of course. Like upgrading from Windows 98 to XP.

Yes I have a terrible testimony. I know. The lack of forgiveness.
But remember - I`m not God. I can never reach His ability. I`m a human being with all sorts of mixed feelings. I try as hard as I can.
I`m doing very well in other aspects of life. I`m a very caring and loving guy (would you believe it). To my friends, my businesspartner etc. But when it comes to the looooove thing, I`m like Titanic and Wasa rolled into one.

 

[pamaris]

I hope you can learn to forgive. You might end up shortchanging yourself if you don't. God might have the most amazing girl waiting for you. Her past is His business and He has take it upon himself to make her white as snow-- without spot or wrinkle-- virgin or not.

It is good that you are wrestling with these conflicts though. At least you are aware of what is going on with the forgiveness aspect of things. That makes you a genuine human being who admits his faults, as opposed to a hypocrite who assumes he has none. The Holy Spirit can and will give you the ability to forgive. If it is your heart's desire to have a wife, God will give you one.

I have a feeling though, that if and when He does give you one, He will give you one who will teach you how to forgive. Because that is what He wants from all of us. He wants us to forgive each other and be reconciled to one another, because He has died for our sins, taken them upon Himself, and provided the way for us.

You don't have a terrible testimony. What you might have is a slight preoccupation with works. God doesn't have a tally of our sins. In fact He remembers them no more. We just have to realize He wants us to rest in His love as our father and friend. He is not worried about what we have done wrong, or ways we have failed Him and that is why we don't have to worry about ways others have failed us or ways we have failed ourselves.

A life of marriage is not easy but it is rewarding. Same would go for a life of singleness. One thing we know... is that we can be sure we will do the will of the Lord, because He has provided the means ahead of time:

Eph 2:10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.

If you want to be married to a Godly woman, God will send one to you. He might just be sanctifying you right now, preparing you for the moment you will meet her.

Blessings

Penny

 

[The Princess Bride]

Here's a flipside to your situation, robin29. I was raised in the church, have had a relationship with Jesus since a very young age...I have only dated 1 guy, and he is the one I am going to marry. I am a virgin, and have made the commitment to wait until my wedding night. However, my fiance is not a virgin, and has a somewhat "promiscious" past you might say. God has forgiven him, and he is walking a different path now. I knew about his past when I started dating him, and to be honest, at first I was like "Oh, heck no!" But is it right for me to be the judge of who God has for me? My fiance is a different person than he once was, and God has taken care of the past. For me to reject him because of what he may have done, I would be rejecting not only God's Man for me, I would be rejecting God's plan for My Life, and most importantly, rejecting and fighting against God! I am not a very forgiving person by nature, but God can and will use our future spouse/spouse to mold us. And God has used my fiance to teach me the ever important lesson of forgiveness, and walking in God's obediance to His Will, not Mine. I will speak bluntly, when I found some things out about my fiance's past, I was ready to wear a disguise or something, because it did not match up with my "idea" of the "right guy" for me. And I told him that! But after working through a lot, I know that he is right for me. I love him more today, than I ever thought I could, and I am sure that my love for him will continue to grow throughout the years. So robin29, don't try to find the girl that matches your "dream princess", because God has someone picked out for you, and by you trying to search for whom you believe to be the perfect one, you may be shortchanging yourself out of God's perfect person for you.

 

[Autumnleaf]

There are lots of nice virgin girls over 18 out there. I know several of them.

 

[styl]

i am living the same situation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!but i am sure that" pricesses " exist!because there are girls that obey God in this issue!so courrage my friend!