Even though I am quite uncomfortable tying this post but I can't keep my own struggles quiet. And I need to hear your voices to tell me what path to take. I cannot do this on my own.
Ok here is the story. Genuine love - the love created by our heavenly Father has been difficult for me to achieve or embrace. During the times I've been growing up and now I have always been heartbroken always unlucky in love. Just recently this year, the one girl who broke my heart unintentionally (let call her Amanda) was a devastating blow to my heart (but it wasn't her fault).
So getting over her involved turning my back on her (and in turn turning away from geniune love) and facing this emptiness space (metaphorically speaking) and I say to myself "Great now what". I pray alot to God that
a. Amanda remains safe and happy even though she doesn;t like me
b. He gives me something to hope for
But still during these last 3 months I have been dwelling in my own emptiness as though God has come to me. But then the force of lust started to seduce me, luring me into an impure life of guilt-free sex. This lust is drowning my despair and sadness caused by my unrequited love - there were times I chose to have sex with a prositute not to satisfy my lustful needs but as a way to get over Amanda and move on.
But when I think of God and Amanda (icons of pure love to my point of view), the light to Love drags me away from lust edging closer to that light and keep me abstained (sp?). But I never fully to that path because half of me says "Amanda doesn't like you so forget about her and God well I don't know what He's up to."
And that thought sort of turns me back and walk back to lust but I never actaully I make it because my good conscience steps in
So right now I'm sort of walking back and forth repeatedly. I cannot make up my own mind because I haven't been given some sort of hope. I know I should have gotten over Amanda - but my way to do that is to have meaningless sex. But then I never actually did have meaningless sex at all because thinking of Amanda well sort of stops me from doing it.
This post is not about me not having a girlfriend this post is about whether I should go into the world of lust/brothels when the light of true love seem so far away from me.
Ok here is the story. Genuine love - the love created by our heavenly Father has been difficult for me to achieve or embrace. During the times I've been growing up and now I have always been heartbroken always unlucky in love. Just recently this year, the one girl who broke my heart unintentionally (let call her Amanda) was a devastating blow to my heart (but it wasn't her fault).
So getting over her involved turning my back on her (and in turn turning away from geniune love) and facing this emptiness space (metaphorically speaking) and I say to myself "Great now what". I pray alot to God that
a. Amanda remains safe and happy even though she doesn;t like me
b. He gives me something to hope for
But still during these last 3 months I have been dwelling in my own emptiness as though God has come to me. But then the force of lust started to seduce me, luring me into an impure life of guilt-free sex. This lust is drowning my despair and sadness caused by my unrequited love - there were times I chose to have sex with a prositute not to satisfy my lustful needs but as a way to get over Amanda and move on.
But when I think of God and Amanda (icons of pure love to my point of view), the light to Love drags me away from lust edging closer to that light and keep me abstained (sp?). But I never fully to that path because half of me says "Amanda doesn't like you so forget about her and God well I don't know what He's up to."
And that thought sort of turns me back and walk back to lust but I never actaully I make it because my good conscience steps in
So right now I'm sort of walking back and forth repeatedly. I cannot make up my own mind because I haven't been given some sort of hope. I know I should have gotten over Amanda - but my way to do that is to have meaningless sex. But then I never actually did have meaningless sex at all because thinking of Amanda well sort of stops me from doing it.
This post is not about me not having a girlfriend this post is about whether I should go into the world of lust/brothels when the light of true love seem so far away from me.
