My History, My Struggles

[shouston]

I will start by saying that I realize that binge eating is just one of many symptoms of a larger problem for me, as it is with most people. To discuss my current predicament with food, I would like to start with my childhood and build from there. It will take a while to get to the bingeing part of my life, so if you get bored easily, skip to the last part of this. I was an outgoing, active, vibrant child with many friends. I played sports, had many extra curricular activities, and had excellent grades. Even though I was active all the time, I was a husky kid because I loved to eat junk food. I never really had a problem until my father was forced to resign from his job and relocate to another state. Most of my lifelong issues stem from this part of my life. We moved and left behind everything. I remember being scared, but I also remember looking forward to meeting new friends. Things did not go so well for me in the new town. I was in the awkward early teenage stage. I was bullied quite a bit for being intelligent and nice, and got into a lot of scuffles and fights. While I did manage to make a few friends, I was pretty much an outcast. My grades went downhill and I had no activities outside of school. I went from an extrovert who loved people and life to an introverted, depressed, anxious, angry, spiteful, self-loathing teenager. I felt worthless. I was overweight at this point in my life, but I did not have a bingeing problem. I was overweight due to my new sedentary lifestyle and junk food. After about three years in this town, my father was forced to relocate yet again and we moved to a city. Things got a little better for me in this new city as there were a lot more openminded people, things to do and what have you. When I say things got a little better, I mean my grades were stable and I had a few friends. Things were better, not great. I had moved away from that horrible town, but the problems followed me. I still had depression and horrible anxiety. I began smoking, drinking, trying random drugs with questionable characters, and pretty much breaking every rule my parents had set for me. I was sent to therapists and counselors and convinced them all that I was just a typical kid going through a rebellious stage. This "stage" the last couple of years of high school and the first two years after I graduated. My parents wanted me to go to college, and I had a younger girlfriend at the time who wanted me to move off to college with her. I was too afraid to step outside of my comfort zone, so I broke up with my girlfriend and buried myself in a dead end job where I had minimal contact with society. A year or so later, my grandfather suffered a stroke and passed away. This inspired me to improve my physical health and I began to eat better and work out. About a year later, after binge drinking all night with some friends, I get arrested for driving under the influence. This was hands down the worst experience of my life and I still have physical scars from the scuffles I got into while in jail. I remember laying on the jail cell floor and praying to God. I made a promise to God that I would stop wasting my life, utilize my potential, and better myself mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Over the next two and a half years, I attempted to carry out the promises that I had made. I moved away from home and attended college (made straight A's, actually). I began a marathon training regimen and lost 35 lbs. I was able to complete a half marathon, full marathon, and eventually a 40 mile charity run for a local marine that had died in Iraq. I loved exercising and nutrition and was inspired to get an education and become a certified trainer and dietician. At this point, I became obsessed with food. I had a diet analysis program on my laptop from one of my nutrition classes and I kept track of every single piece of food I put in my mouth. I also became obsessed with my body image. I was constantly either in the gym or outside running somewhere. When the U.S. economy took a sharp turn downhill, my parents suffered some financial losses and I was forced to move back home and put plans on hold. I did not have a degree and could not support myself. In the beginning, I saw this as only a temporary setback and was ok with it. I enrolled in a local college and worked part time. I began to slack off on everything I had work towards. All the feelings of depression, anxiety, worthlessness and self-loathing slowly began to resurface. I began drinking and smoking again. I dropped all my college courses. I ate whatever I wanted. I began binge eating. Carbohydrate rich food, mostly. Pancakes, bread, pasta, cake, cookies, anything. At first, they were just random episodes, maybe once or twice a week. Eventually, I was binge eating almost every day. I put back on 25 of the 40 pounds that I had lost. I began working out and running so much and with such intensity to counter the binge episodes that I began to hate exercise. My legs were always sore, my joints were always throbbing, and I never had energy. I cut off contact with most of my friends and most of the outside world. I didn't want anyone to see me. I saved up enough money and moved off again this fall to attempt and finish my degree at college. I thought I could reproduce the results I got when I moved away the first time, but no. I didn't last a week at school. I began binge eating every day and eventually dropped out. This has been a tough few months for me. I have not told a soul that I have dropped out. I've lied to so many people, my parents especially. I've been lying and hiding my feelings so long that I have become an expert at it. No one would ever be able to figure out that something is wrong with me unless I came out and told them. I've done better these past few weeks, reducing the frequency of my binge episodes. These past couple of days have been particularly horrible, though. So here I am again. Isolated. Attempting to restart and find the will and motivation to change again. I realize that I have written an awful lot and I do appreciate and thank anyone who takes the time to read this.

 

[Live In Stereo]

I read it. praying for you and thank you for taking the time to put it on here.

 

[peckaboo]

Hey, I really feel for you. This sounds like a horrible place for you to be.

Are you still bingeing and exercising excessively, or has the exercise dropped off now? Except in the case of professional athletes and the like, this is generally seen as a form of bulimia. Might there be an option for you to join a bulimia support group in your area? Or is there an Overeater's Anonymous near you?

I haven't struggled a lot with binge eating, but for a while I was addicted to chewing and spitting massive amounts of food. (Don't try this, it ruins your teeth, imbalances your stomach chemicals, and you still take in most of the calories anyway.) It sounds like such a cliche, but I found it really helpful to just take one day at a time. It's too overwhelming to think "I'm never going to do this again!", and you inevitably fail and beat yourself up about it. But "I'm going to choose not to do this today" feels a lot more manageable. And, acknowledging that you have a choice in the matter puts you in control of the situation. The more days you're able to choose not to indulge in your habit, before too long, the desire will slowly start to dissipate.

You said you've been doing well the last few weeks, so you know that you can do it. It's never ever too late to change.

It seems pretty obvious that there's an emotional / psychological element to your binge eating - can you speak to a doctor or counsellor about it? It'll be a lot easier for you to address the behaviour if you also address the underlying issues that are driving it. As you say, overeating is a symptom of something bigger.

It sounds to me (based on the very little that I know of you, so I may be totally off the mark!) like your disappointment with yourself for having dropped out of college is partially what's prompting you to overeat, and it might be worth exploring that side of things.

I'm praying for you