My GF has a not so clean past....

[EmmaCat]

Hi, JR. I'll be praying for you and your lady.

I want to share something before I offer any advice. I'm 22, single, and I've never even been on a date. I live in a Christian community, and we adhere to a very, very strict moral code. So that means you don't have to listen to me or take my advice, okay? I just want to tell you something my Mom shared with me.

My Dad was 10 years my Mom's senior, and he left our community temporarily to join the Air Force. He was 19 years old, and as you know, sometimes a few young men and women that age often don't make the best decisions at one time or another.

Dad became involved with a young lady, and one thing led to another. It happened several times with other women as well, and all total, Dad had lain with seven women before he got out of the Air Force.

He came home to our community, and soon after, he discovered that my Mom wasn't that awkward little teenager in pigtails any more. Oooops. He didn't tell her at first about his past, but by the third date he was hopelessly in love with Mom, so he talked to her Dad about it and told him the truth.

Grandpa said it would be best to ask their pastor, so he and Dad went to the pastor. The pastor offered to be there when Dad broke the news to Mom, and he agreed. So one day, the three sat down and Dad told Mom everything. He said it was the hardest thing he'd ever done, knowing Mom could (and probably would) dump him in a heartbeat.

Well, seven months later on New Year's Eve 1986, they were married. They went on to raise my two older sisters and me, and unfortunately, Dad passed in March 2015. During one of their last conversations, Dad thanked Mom for her forgiveness.

You never saw a sweeter couple. They were inseparable, and they had a wonderful marriage.

I'd say give it some time, and lean on God to guide you.

All good things
Emmy

 

[farout]

and it bothers me still. Shes slept with more than a few guys..this was before i was in the picture..but since i met her, we been to church every weekend, regulalry study the bible, and she was baptized 2 weeks. ago...i know youre a new creation when ou are in christ, but knowing abou ther past still bothers me. I dont know her fulll past, i chose to not know it full because i feel it will just make me more insecure.


but who am i to say. i have a bad past. we all have bad pasts. what can i do to change my thought process on this?

Perhaps if you find this to hard to deal with you might need to move on. Your GF may well be hurt very deeply if you can not put this information out of your mind. Yes that would be honest to her, and allows her to find just the man God has for her. Please do not bring more shame on her than she already has, by pretending it does not matter if it does. Far better for her to find a man who can love the new person she has become. Now you must search your heart, if you can't forgive, and forget her past, and never bring it up again, then let her free, that is a genuine Christ like thing to do. there is no guilt in being kind and caring enough to say good by.

However if you can genuinely forgive your past and hers then promise to let this information be purged from your heart and mind, and vow to God never to bring it up again. Never means never!

 

[Grafted In]

Interestingly, there is a thread floating around asking whether people would rather be in a relationship with someone who remained sexually pure, or who had a shady past and repented. The shadier that someone's past is the more they show how much God loves them, so you should do the same.

I don't think that is a reasonable way to advize him. The situation is unsettling for him. I think he should do his best to accept her as she is , but if he thinks there's any chance he will continue to struggle with her past perhaps he would be wise to move on.
Remember, Scripture tells us when we choose a partner it's for life. If he continues to be troubled after marriage, he's not free to toss her aside and choose another.

Jro116, unless you believe God is calling you to marry her, I'd think long and hard and have your mind settled on the issue before you take the plunge. JMHO

 

[rockytopva]

"To err is human; to forgive, divine" - Alexander Pope

14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. - Matthew 6

If you forgive this girl and forget anything ever happened, so your Father will also forgive you, and forget anything happened.

 

[Grafted In]

"To err is human; to forgive, divine" - Alexander Pope

14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. - Matthew 6

If you forgive this girl and forget anything ever happened, so your Father will also forgive you, and forget anything happened.

I'm not so sure your post is applicable here.

 

[rockytopva]

Love is not easily found these days. I would hate to have let it go and then found out later in life of the mistake.

 

[aiki]

and it bothers me still. Shes slept with more than a few guys..this was before i was in the picture..but since i met her, we been to church every weekend, regulalry study the bible, and she was baptized 2 weeks. ago...i know youre a new creation when ou are in christ, but knowing abou ther past still bothers me. I dont know her fulll past, i chose to not know it full because i feel it will just make me more insecure.


but who am i to say. i have a bad past. we all have bad pasts. what can i do to change my thought process on this?

It is unwise to think your girlfriend's past does not affect her present and will not affect her future. Yes, if she has confessed her sexual sin and repented of it, she is forgiven of it, but the effects of that sin aren't necessarily immediately erased. A woman who has had multiple sexual partners before being saved will need some careful and very conscious re-orienting of her thinking on sex. God will have to do some healing in her in this area. Repeatedly breaking the bond sex is supposed to create causes damage to one's emotions and sexual psychology. Be prepared to walk with your girlfriend through a possibly prolonged recovery from the effects of her promiscuity.

Selah.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Well obviously if she slept with like 20 guys, it would make me cautious. BUT I'd also remember that was her before she was saved. And its hardly the worst thing I've heard a christian do before getting saved. I mean its still not good of course.

As to how to not think about it. Well when you start thinking about it imagine her bringing up all your past sins. Think about how you would feel. Then realize thats how she would feel if she knew you were still thinking about her past. I know some who do have a hard time coming to grip with a persons sexual past because they feel the person is, forgive the wording, "used". But realize they already feel guilt about their past as it is. No need to make them feel worse. One day if you ever marry the sex will be between the two of you. She will be giving her body to you fully and vica versa. Thats all that matters. And honestly the sex she will have once married will NOT feel the same as the casual sex she had before.

I know this first hand. I lost my virginity years before I met my wife. The honeymoon really made me see why God said sex is for marriage. Its a whole never level you can't explain. And honestly it did make me feel guilty for awhile. Having wasted Gods gift on someone who I was not married too. But I got past that. As did my wife with her past sex. Past is the past.

 

[Dave-W]

here's what I'm struggling with now...I don't know her full past...how many guys she's slept with, and anything else involved with that...do I ask her, and find out the whole truth?

IMO this is one of the unscriptural attitudes intrinsic to the western mindset - we obsess over knowing every detail of everything. We do not need that. In doctrine Paul tells us in 1 Cor 13 that "we see thru a glass darkly..." meaning that certain details of biblical truth have been hidden from us intentionally. We should be OK with that. Your not being OK without knowing those details is a symptom of the same mindset.

You need to pray to God for grace and direction in how to change this mindset.

 

[Mudinyeri]

A woman who has had multiple sexual partners before being saved will need some careful and very conscious re-orienting of her thinking on sex.

Huh? Re-orienting?

 

[blessedbeyondbelief]

Judge her by her current character. And hold her accountable for how she treats you now, not her past.

 

[nerfherder]

I understand that someone can be bothered by a partners past to some extent but it's something you just have to come to terms with. There's no real easy way but there are plenty of wrong ways. Certainly don't hold it against her at all and work to realize that the overwhelming majority of couples have been with others before they got together. It's been a part of life for far longer than we really think. You can't worry about what she did before because it had and has nothing at all to do with you or who she is now.
My wife slept with other men before we met, I slept with other women. We had both been married before, too. At first we never talked about that because when still new nobody wants to hear about what their partner did with another person. But over the years we grew and now we can openly discuss our previous marriages, partners, all of that because we know it doesn't mean anything.

 

[aiki]

Huh? Re-orienting?

A person who has had multiple sexual partners has ideas about sex that are not consistent with God's word. These views must be abandoned and a biblical view of sex adopted in their place. Moving from the one view to the other is not an instantaneous event.

Selah.

 

[Mudinyeri]

A person who has had multiple sexual partners has ideas about sex that are not consistent with God's word. These views must be abandoned and a biblical view of sex adopted in their place. Moving from the one view to the other is not an instantaneous event.

Selah.

Hmm ... how do you know what ideas they have about sex?

 

[nerfherder]

A person who has had multiple sexual partners has ideas about sex that are not consistent with God's word. These views must be abandoned and a biblical view of sex adopted in their place. Moving from the one view to the other is not an instantaneous event.

Selah.

I'm sorry but you don't know that. Nobody knows what is or was in her heart except God.

 

[Mudinyeri]

I'm sorry but you don't know that. Nobody knows what is or was in her heart except God.

For all we know, she may have some fantastic ideas about sex ... ideas that her husband will enjoy.

OP, I'd steel away from the legalistic, holier-than-thou, reprogramming stuff and take her as she is or let her go.

 

[pat34lee]

but who am i to say. i have a bad past. we all have bad pasts. what can i do to change my thought process on this?

Stop dating her and let her find someone more
ready for a relationship. You aren't ready yet.

 

[aiki]

Hmm ... how do you know what ideas they have about sex?

I didn't say anything about "they." I was speaking only to the OP's girlfriend's view of sex. I know at least that she did not have a godly, biblical view of sex. If she had had such a view, she wouldn't have had multiple sexual partners. This seems very obvious to me...

I'm sorry but you don't know that. Nobody knows what is or was in her heart except God.

See above.

Selah.

 

[aiki]

For all we know, she may have some fantastic ideas about sex ... ideas that her husband will enjoy.

Or more likely she has developed a twisted and ungodly view of it. If this is so, whatever "fantastic ideas" she may have will not lead to healthy, god-honoring sexuality.

Selah.

 

[Mudinyeri]

I didn't say anything about "they." I was speaking only to the OP's girlfriend's view of sex. I know at least that she did not have a godly, biblical view of sex. If she had had such a view, she wouldn't have had multiple sexual partners. This seems very obvious to me...

You said, "a person" - a generic term not exclusive to the OP's girlfriend. You don't know what her view of sex was. You only know that she had multiple partners.

Or more likely she has developed a twisted and ungodly view of it. If this is so, whatever "fantastic ideas" she may have will not lead to healthy, god-honoring sexuality.

Selah.

More likely? You know her well enough to know what her ideas likely are?