My father and sister are narcissists

[Pearl7]

I have a huge dilemma about how to live a normal life.
My father used to be dependent on alcohol and for the longest time we've thought that was the only problem. He is mentally abusive and a tyrant in my family. My mom used to fight back in the beginning, but in the last 15 years she mostly remains silent whenever he talks her down. It's like a show, he always wants to be heard and he feels like the victim, he curses her and even us - his children, me and my sister, even if he is not drinking. I've been asking for help from christians and they have told me to forgive him and don't think bad about him. That all would be alright, but where am I in this situation? I am still suffering. Where is my health? I realised the nicer you are with an abusive person, the more spoiled he becomes. Mom is the scapegoat of the family, she is not a wife anymore, she is a servant to him, a slave. My family is not very close to God, I have changed my views 7 years ago and put God #1.
This year I was led to videos about narcissists and how abusive they are. At first I recognised my sister, and then my father. I've grown up with gaslightnings, from my sister and father. For almost 4 months I get help from a christian counsellor who made me realise that the healthiest for me is to be distant, because from what I've told her, dad and my sister are often behaving like sociopaths. I needed help because I got panic attacks for no reason, I used to have them for years. Turned out I was always depending on my mom and was hard for me to move out, because I love her. I don't want to see her suffering, she keeps making the wrong choices, catering for him, because she is afraid of him. And she gives more attention to my sister, because she is trained to obey and love the narcissists more. Plus my sister is the pretty one. I often speak out and defend mom from them, and all I get - including her - is to stop fighting. When my sister tells mom she is "retarded", I defend her, and mom literally tells me to stop. It's insane. For 2 years I've moved out with the help of God, because I told my father to turn down the volume of the tv -it was very loud- at night and he wanted to beat me. I've moved out often a couple of times earlier but never had a stable financial security alone, I had to move back when I had a change in my career. Hope this time I am staying out for good. I am now realising how the life i thought was "normal" was abusive filled with bullies from my sister too, and I am quite the black sheep of the family, and the invisible child. I have no boyfriend-husband, I am traumatised by men. I am shy, perfectionist, hardworking, serious and I like if things are fair and correct. I just have my family, and some friends.

My question would be: how can I have healthy boundaries, because for me the safest is to take a step away from this mess. But if I do it, I will be more excluded, I will get less "love" and I will be lonely. My sister will get all the adoration and I will be forgotten. If I remain nice I might get drawn back easily, if I am very serious at distancing myself from them, I will be the meanest person. Plus, it's hard to do everything alone. I feel like I am trying to squeeze love from this impossible situation.

My other question would be, have you had similar experiences? What did you do? What helped? If you have a family of your own it's easier, because you pay less attention on the other one.

Let me know what are your thoughts, thank you?

 

[SeventhFisherofMen]

@Pearl7 That is a tough situation, but if you do not step back what love will you get? In the end barely any and it sounds like your mom isn't standing up for herself any more. I would only draw close to your mother being kind to her, but if that causes a disturbance from your dad and sister like yellowjackets around a nest then cut it off. Pray every day for help financially. Do you have a car? because I work a main job and then after if I need extra cash I drive for door dash it's super easy and you can apply in a day.

Anyways God has used my independence from my family to help me see my true value as I felt like my Mom always threatened to kick me out and made me look bad and mentally ill to people in my family. Even my dad who divorced my mom said I should get out and I have. I got married and now am happily married but it hasn't been easy. Jesus has picked me up when I'm down. Look for the good, talk to Jesus on your free time, look for His miracles in every day life. He is there He loves you Life will get better I believe it

 

[Cormack]

I’ve known someone in your situation. She found a nice Christian boyfriend and he’s practically her whole support system, not only that, but having someone normal to be with takes the edge off her interactions with the vile people in her family.

So my advice is expand your circle of friends, acquaintances and maybe even vet someone sensible and kind to start dating. In short, you’ve been looking for love in the wrong places, find platonic or romantic love in the right place and it’ll ease a lot of your troubles.

Don’t try to fix family, don’t try to fix up broke people, it’s not our place, those people are who they are and you’ll never argue them into changing, we can’t change others, but we can improve ourselves.

If you find that meeting good people is very hard I’d recommend a solid stint of self improvement so you become better skilled at meeting sincere friends and eventually a high quality companion.

 

[Pearl7]

I’ve known someone in your situation. She found a nice Christian boyfriend and he’s practically her whole support system, not only that, but having someone normal to be with takes the edge off her interactions with the vile people in her family.

So my advice is expand your circle of friends, acquaintances and maybe even vet someone sensible and kind to start dating. In short, you’ve been looking for love in the wrong places, find platonic or romantic love in the right place and it’ll ease a lot of your troubles.

Don’t try to fix family, don’t try to fix up broke people, it’s not our place, those people are who they are and you’ll never argue them into changing, we can’t change others, but we can improve ourselves.

If you find that meeting good people is very hard I’d recommend a solid stint of self improvement so you become better skilled at meeting sincere friends and eventually a high quality companion.

Thank you, I've been thinking about that too, expanding my circle of friends. In my case I am/was the support system for my mother and kind of a counsellor for her. I need to be cautious about what I perceive friendship from now on because I am starting to see that many of my friends come to me for support, counselling. And that is just the illusion of a friendship.

 

[Pearl7]

@Pearl7 That is a tough situation, but if you do not step back what love will you get? In the end barely any and it sounds like your mom isn't standing up for herself any more. I would only draw close to your mother being kind to her, but if that causes a disturbance from your dad and sister like yellowjackets around a nest then cut it off. Pray every day for help financially. Do you have a car? because I work a main job and then after if I need extra cash I drive for door dash it's super easy and you can apply in a day.

Anyways God has used my independence from my family to help me see my true value as I felt like my Mom always threatened to kick me out and made me look bad and mentally ill to people in my family. Even my dad who divorced my mom said I should get out and I have. I got married and now am happily married but it hasn't been easy. Jesus has picked me up when I'm down. Look for the good, talk to Jesus on your free time, look for His miracles in every day life. He is there He loves you Life will get better I believe it

Thank you so much for encouraging me. I don't have a car, but I am thankful because I have a really good job now. I hope it will be okay. I believe the most difficult in life is to turn away from my mom. I always encouraged her and was very kind to her, but she doesn't listen to advices. It's horror for me to see her face to face and smile knowing she is heading towards misery and as if my happiness depends on her happiness. But it's not fair, because she is making the choices, and I need to be in control of my own happiness.
Thank you!

 

[Cormack]

I need to be cautious about what I perceive friendship from now on because I am starting to see that many of my friends come to me for support, counselling.

Lots of people are a right waffle. They’ll pour out all their problems to us, then go off and do the same to another two or three people. The thing is some of the people they’ve shared with don’t know that they’re a waffle and think the conversation was special.

Sharing is often motivated by selfishness. Still so long as we’re aware of it we won’t get hurt feelings or anything, they can’t help themselves.

In my case I am/was the support system for my mother and kind of a counsellor for her.

That’s every mums dream though init, friending up their daughter. Maybe you’re playing the dude in your interactions She just wants to share woes, but you want to fix it. The thing is some people don’t really want a problem fix, they just want an ear.

I’ve been there. First I get annoyed they’re still complaining even after I gave them A+++++ advice, advice they didn’t use, but then, later down the road I realised that they just want the “healing” journey, not destination fixed.

They don’t want to stop the struggles, on some level they kinda live for it. It’s a cycle.

 

[Pearl7]

Lots of people are a right waffle. They’ll pour out all their problems to us, then go off and do the same to another two or three people. The thing is some of the people they’ve shared with don’t know that they’re a waffle and think the conversation was special.

Sharing is often motivated by selfishness. Still so long as we’re aware of it we won’t get hurt feelings or anything, they can’t help themselves.



That’s every mums dream though init, friending up their daughter. Maybe you’re playing the dude in your interactions She just wants to share woes, but you want to fix it. The thing is some people don’t really want a problem fix, they just want an ear.

I’ve been there. First I get annoyed they’re still complaining even after I gave them A+++++ advice, advice they didn’t use, but then, later down the road I realised that they just want the “healing” journey, not destination fixed.

They don’t want to stop the struggles, on some level they kinda live for it. It’s a cycle.

Yes, I realised that lately. I don't know about the dude part, I am just encouraging.

 

[Tolworth John]

I've been asking for help from christians and they have told me to forgive him and don't think bad about him. That all would be alright, but where am I in this situation? I am still suffering

Pay no attention to such rubbish advice.

How do you deal with the abusive situation you've been through?
By handing it all to God.
Forgiveness only comes when there is repentance.
If your Father has not repented and changed his ways, then you do not have to forgive him.

Please note. God does not forgive sinners who have not repented so why should you.

What do you do.
Tell God all about it. What has happened, what was said, how you feel about it, hand it all over to God for him to deal with.
Then comes the hard part.
Pray intelligently for your Father and for your sister. Pray that they will recognise how distructive and sinful there behaviour is and that they will change.
Pray also that they might come to a saving relationship with Jesus.

 

[Jesus is my Superhero]

I disagree about forgiveness. Forgiveness is also to benefit you. Forgiving protects you against the root of bitterness. We are also commanded by God to forgive, 7x70. Matt. 18:21-22. Verse 35 is for all of us.

Please note. God does not forgive sinners who have not repented so why should you.

 

[Cormack]

I disagree about forgiveness. Forgiveness is also to benefit you. Forgiving protects you against the root of bitterness.

That’s very true. It’s the “How many times should I forgive my brother?” question. The answer was 70 times 7, or something to that effect.

Yes, I realised that lately. I don't know about the dude part, I am just encouraging.

Encouraging is a good word, but it’s like encouraging them to do what? If it’s just trying to lift spirits etc that’s okay and there’s no chance of it rebounding to your hurt. Protected against bitterness like @Jesus is my Superhero wrote.

But if it’s more like, I’m encouraging her to make a change, or I’m encouraging her to stand up for herself, that’s fixing. That’s fixing and mending and trying to problem solve, that’s the man energy

Girl has problem = I’LL SAVE YOU!

But lots of the time people just want an ear, and when we go in there to fix things we always end up frustrated. Lots of people don’t want a fix. Depending on what you mean by encouraging you could be setting yourself up for a feeling of disappointment.

EDIT:

@Jesus is my Superhero 70x7 ahhhhh you beat me to the punch!!!!

 

[Pearl7]

That’s very true. It’s the “How many times should I forgive my brother?” question. The answer was 70 times 7, or something to that effect.



Encouraging is a good word, but it’s like encouraging them to do what? If it’s just trying to lift spirits etc that’s okay and there’s no chance of it rebounding to your hurt. Protected against bitterness like @Jesus is my Superhero wrote.

But if it’s more like, I’m encouraging her to make a change, or I’m encouraging her to stand up for herself, that’s fixing. That’s fixing and mending and trying to problem solve, that’s the man energy

Girl has problem = I’LL SAVE YOU!

But lots of the time people just want an ear, and when we go in there to fix things we always end up frustrated. Lots of people don’t want a fix. Depending on what you mean by encouraging you could be setting yourself up for a feeling of disappointment.

EDIT:

@Jesus is my Superhero 70x7 ahhhhh you beat me to the punch!!!!

I honestly don't know why I encourage mom/people, probably because that has been my role for a long time, a spiritual trash can. I just want to talk to my mother as the only nice person, because everyone is disrespectful with her. I lately realised how she JUST needs Jesus, and I should not be in the way, Jesus should carry all these heavy struggles. If I step out, in her misery she might reach out to Jesus more seriously.
I can see what you mean by the fixing part, it's sad that I have met only very few men like that. I always had to help myself. But in my fantasies, the man behaves just like you have explained.

I agree @Jesus is my Superhero that is what Jesus tells us, so difficult though

 

[Jesus is my Superhero]

Sometimes being able to forgive may take years. Keep walking with Jesus and do not quench the Holy Spirit, you'll eventually arrive where you need to be.

 

[Tolworth John]

I disagree about forgiveness. Forgiveness is also to benefit you. Forgiving protects you against the root of bitterness. We are also commanded by God to forgive, 7x70. Matt. 18:21-22. Verse 35 is for all of us.

Please read what I said about ' what should you do? '
It explains clearly how one's feelings are to be handed over to God.

It also protects one against pharisaical acts like added to scripture what is not there or demanding action beyond what even God does.

 

[Eftsoon]

I have a huge dilemma about how to live a normal life.
My father used to be dependent on alcohol and for the longest time we've thought that was the only problem. He is mentally abusive and a tyrant in my family. My mom used to fight back in the beginning, but in the last 15 years she mostly remains silent whenever he talks her down. It's like a show, he always wants to be heard and he feels like the victim, he curses her and even us - his children, me and my sister, even if he is not drinking. I've been asking for help from christians and they have told me to forgive him and don't think bad about him. That all would be alright, but where am I in this situation? I am still suffering. Where is my health? I realised the nicer you are with an abusive person, the more spoiled he becomes. Mom is the scapegoat of the family, she is not a wife anymore, she is a servant to him, a slave. My family is not very close to God, I have changed my views 7 years ago and put God #1.
This year I was led to videos about narcissists and how abusive they are. At first I recognised my sister, and then my father. I've grown up with gaslightnings, from my sister and father. For almost 4 months I get help from a christian counsellor who made me realise that the healthiest for me is to be distant, because from what I've told her, dad and my sister are often behaving like sociopaths. I needed help because I got panic attacks for no reason, I used to have them for years. Turned out I was always depending on my mom and was hard for me to move out, because I love her. I don't want to see her suffering, she keeps making the wrong choices, catering for him, because she is afraid of him. And she gives more attention to my sister, because she is trained to obey and love the narcissists more. Plus my sister is the pretty one. I often speak out and defend mom from them, and all I get - including her - is to stop fighting. When my sister tells mom she is "retarded", I defend her, and mom literally tells me to stop. It's insane. For 2 years I've moved out with the help of God, because I told my father to turn down the volume of the tv -it was very loud- at night and he wanted to beat me. I've moved out often a couple of times earlier but never had a stable financial security alone, I had to move back when I had a change in my career. Hope this time I am staying out for good. I am now realising how the life i thought was "normal" was abusive filled with bullies from my sister too, and I am quite the black sheep of the family, and the invisible child. I have no boyfriend-husband, I am traumatised by men. I am shy, perfectionist, hardworking, serious and I like if things are fair and correct. I just have my family, and some friends.

My question would be: how can I have healthy boundaries, because for me the safest is to take a step away from this mess. But if I do it, I will be more excluded, I will get less "love" and I will be lonely. My sister will get all the adoration and I will be forgotten. If I remain nice I might get drawn back easily, if I am very serious at distancing myself from them, I will be the meanest person. Plus, it's hard to do everything alone. I feel like I am trying to squeeze love from this impossible situation.

My other question would be, have you had similar experiences? What did you do? What helped? If you have a family of your own it's easier, because you pay less attention on the other one.

Let me know what are your thoughts, thank you?

The key is obtaining objectivity, focus, clarity and inner certainty Moving out is the last resort and will accomplish all that. You might also be able to do it by staying. I don't know enough about your situation to say whether that is possible or advisable.

Whatever you decide, you need to be able to understand the family dynamics with a kind of clinical eye. You already seem to be there. Understanding NPD machinations will give you the interpretative framework to understand what is happening in your family. it will also preserve you from getting entangled as well as allowing you to shed the role that has been assigned to you.

Your mum sounds like she is in such a painful situation. I hope that she too can escape. You are her child, so if you've done it, she can too

 

[Pearl7]

The key is obtaining objectivity, focus, clarity and inner certainty Moving out is the last resort and will accomplish all that. You might also be able to do it by staying. I don't know enough about your situation to say whether that is possible or advisable.

Whatever you decide, you need to be able to understand the family dynamics with a kind of clinical eye. You already seem to be there. Understanding NPD machinations will give you the interpretative framework to understand what is happening in your family. it will also preserve you from getting entangled as well as allowing you to shed the role that has been assigned to you.

Your mum sounds like she is in such a painful situation. I hope that she too can escape. You are her child, so if you've done it, she can too

Thank you! It's good to read you see it that way, I am always trying to be transparent and do what's right. I think staying in that household under my father's authority is very abusive; there are unwritten rules that I got so used to, I don't function like a normal person when I am there. I am mostly in my room, I have to be nearly dead not to offend him.
I too wish mom will escape.

 

[SANTOSO]

I have a huge dilemma about how to live a normal life.
My father used to be dependent on alcohol and for the longest time we've thought that was the only problem. He is mentally abusive and a tyrant in my family. My mom used to fight back in the beginning, but in the last 15 years she mostly remains silent whenever he talks her down. It's like a show, he always wants to be heard and he feels like the victim, he curses her and even us - his children, me and my sister, even if he is not drinking. I've been asking for help from christians and they have told me to forgive him and don't think bad about him. That all would be alright, but where am I in this situation? I am still suffering. Where is my health? I realised the nicer you are with an abusive person, the more spoiled he becomes. Mom is the scapegoat of the family, she is not a wife anymore, she is a servant to him, a slave. My family is not very close to God, I have changed my views 7 years ago and put God #1.
This year I was led to videos about narcissists and how abusive they are. At first I recognised my sister, and then my father. I've grown up with gaslightnings, from my sister and father. For almost 4 months I get help from a christian counsellor who made me realise that the healthiest for me is to be distant, because from what I've told her, dad and my sister are often behaving like sociopaths. I needed help because I got panic attacks for no reason, I used to have them for years. Turned out I was always depending on my mom and was hard for me to move out, because I love her. I don't want to see her suffering, she keeps making the wrong choices, catering for him, because she is afraid of him. And she gives more attention to my sister, because she is trained to obey and love the narcissists more. Plus my sister is the pretty one. I often speak out and defend mom from them, and all I get - including her - is to stop fighting. When my sister tells mom she is "retarded", I defend her, and mom literally tells me to stop. It's insane. For 2 years I've moved out with the help of God, because I told my father to turn down the volume of the tv -it was very loud- at night and he wanted to beat me. I've moved out often a couple of times earlier but never had a stable financial security alone, I had to move back when I had a change in my career. Hope this time I am staying out for good. I am now realising how the life i thought was "normal" was abusive filled with bullies from my sister too, and I am quite the black sheep of the family, and the invisible child. I have no boyfriend-husband, I am traumatised by men. I am shy, perfectionist, hardworking, serious and I like if things are fair and correct. I just have my family, and some friends.

My question would be: how can I have healthy boundaries, because for me the safest is to take a step away from this mess. But if I do it, I will be more excluded, I will get less "love" and I will be lonely. My sister will get all the adoration and I will be forgotten. If I remain nice I might get drawn back easily, if I am very serious at distancing myself from them, I will be the meanest person. Plus, it's hard to do everything alone. I feel like I am trying to squeeze love from this impossible situation.

My other question would be, have you had similar experiences? What did you do? What helped? If you have a family of your own it's easier, because you pay less attention on the other one.

Let me know what are your thoughts, thank you?

I have a huge dilemma about how to live a normal life.
My father used to be dependent on alcohol and for the longest time we've thought that was the only problem. He is mentally abusive and a tyrant in my family. My mom used to fight back in the beginning, but in the last 15 years she mostly remains silent whenever he talks her down. It's like a show, he always wants to be heard and he feels like the victim, he curses her and even us - his children, me and my sister, even if he is not drinking. I've been asking for help from christians and they have told me to forgive him and don't think bad about him. That all would be alright, but where am I in this situation? I am still suffering. Where is my health? I realised the nicer you are with an abusive person, the more spoiled he becomes. Mom is the scapegoat of the family, she is not a wife anymore, she is a servant to him, a slave. My family is not very close to God, I have changed my views 7 years ago and put God #1.
This year I was led to videos about narcissists and how abusive they are. At first I recognised my sister, and then my father. I've grown up with gaslightnings, from my sister and father. For almost 4 months I get help from a christian counsellor who made me realise that the healthiest for me is to be distant, because from what I've told her, dad and my sister are often behaving like sociopaths. I needed help because I got panic attacks for no reason, I used to have them for years. Turned out I was always depending on my mom and was hard for me to move out, because I love her. I don't want to see her suffering, she keeps making the wrong choices, catering for him, because she is afraid of him. And she gives more attention to my sister, because she is trained to obey and love the narcissists more. Plus my sister is the pretty one. I often speak out and defend mom from them, and all I get - including her - is to stop fighting. When my sister tells mom she is "retarded", I defend her, and mom literally tells me to stop. It's insane. For 2 years I've moved out with the help of God, because I told my father to turn down the volume of the tv -it was very loud- at night and he wanted to beat me. I've moved out often a couple of times earlier but never had a stable financial security alone, I had to move back when I had a change in my career. Hope this time I am staying out for good. I am now realising how the life i thought was "normal" was abusive filled with bullies from my sister too, and I am quite the black sheep of the family, and the invisible child. I have no boyfriend-husband, I am traumatised by men. I am shy, perfectionist, hardworking, serious and I like if things are fair and correct. I just have my family, and some friends.

My question would be: how can I have healthy boundaries, because for me the safest is to take a step away from this mess. But if I do it, I will be more excluded, I will get less "love" and I will be lonely. My sister will get all the adoration and I will be forgotten. If I remain nice I might get drawn back easily, if I am very serious at distancing myself from them, I will be the meanest person. Plus, it's hard to do everything alone. I feel like I am trying to squeeze love from this impossible situation.

My other question would be, have you had similar experiences? What did you do? What helped? If you have a family of your own it's easier, because you pay less attention on the other one.

Let me know what are your thoughts, thank you?

Beloved one,
This is what we have heard:
“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
‭‭John‬ ‭14:27‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Beloved one, to live a normal life is to have the peace of Christ in your life every day. Then your heart will not be troubled and afraid.

As we also heard:
“Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace always in every way. The Lord be with you all.”
‭‭II Thessalonians‬ ‭3:16‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Beloved one, ask and it will be given to you.

Abba,
I ask that You may give to me, …, the peace that Christ leave with us, the peace that He gives to us.
For I believe, that You are our Heavenly Father who gives good things to us.
Thank You, Abba, that you grant us this peace always in every way.
I believe Abba, that neither our heart will be troubled in any way nor afraid, for You are with us.
Amen.

Beloved one, I understand that you are suffering. Beloved one, consider what you heard:

“And who is he who will harm you if you become followers of what is good?

But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you are blessed. “And do not be afraid of their threats, nor be troubled.”

But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear;

having a good conscience, that when they defame you as evildoers, those who revile your good conduct in Christ may be ashamed.

For it is better, if it is the will of God, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.”
‭‭I Peter‬ ‭3:13-17‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Beloved one, I understand that you and your mother, and may be your sister, too, have been harmed. Let me talk about you first before we discuss about them and also your father.

You have been follower of good, for you have chosen to put God first. I understand other Christians have told you to forgive your father and don't think bad about him. They are right.But have you daily release forgiveness to your father ? Have you asked daily to God for His strength to release forgiveness to your father? Remember beloved one, what our Lord said:

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, -Matthew 6:14
but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. -Matthew 6:15

Yes, their trespasses, have you forgiven also your sister ? Why ? This is what we have heard:

Behold, the LORD's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save, or his ear dull, that it cannot hear; -Isaiah 59:1
but your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden his face from you so that HE DOES NOT HEAR. -Isaiah 59:2

It is not that God can’t save your family but you have not released your forgiveness to them so that God doesn’t hear your prayer.

Remember again what our Lord said:
And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against ANYONE, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses." -Mark 11:25

So beloved one, don’t harbor anything against anyone and daily release forgiveness to anyone. When you have released your forgiveness, BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE MET THE CONDITION that our Lord Jesus Christ have set that your trespasses are FORGIVEN.

When you are not with your father, you may still have disturbing thoughts about him. So when you are reminded by those disturbing thoughts, you are suffering. Then humble yourself before God, release forgiveness to him again and again. Then you will be strengthen to believe what Christ have spoken, that His grace strengthen you to release forgiveness to anyone who wronged you.

For we heard:
You then, my child, be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus, -2 Timothy 2:1

Beloved one, are you wondering where is the Lord’s grace that you need so much ? This is what we have heard apostle Paul:

Follow the pattern of the sound words that you have heard from me, in the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. -2 Timothy 1:13

Likewise, we heard:
And we also thank God constantly for this, that when you received the word of God, which you heard from us, you accepted it not as the word of men but as what it really is, the word of God, which is at work in you believers. -1 Thessalonians 2:13

So beloved one, when we follow the pattern of sound words that we have heard from apostles of Jesus Christ, when we follow the pattern of sound words that we have heard from the Lord Jesus Christ Himself, as it really is the word of God, which is at work in us who believe, that is, in the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

As our Lord Jesus Christ Himself said:
It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life. -John 6:63

The words that Christ have spoken are Spirit and Life.The words that Christ have spoken through His holy apostles are Spirit and Life.

So beloved one, the life you seek is in Christ Jesus, that is in faith and love that is in Christ Jesus.

 

[SANTOSO]

So beloved, after you have released forgiveness, and you have done what is right before God, you suffer for righteousness, you are suffering for Christ’s sake. You are blessed. So are your mother. That is what she has been doing.


Remember the counsel we have heard:

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. -Galatians 6:1

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. -Galatians 6:2

For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. -Galatians 6:3

But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor. -Galatians 6:4

Beloved one, wasn’t your father get caught in transgressions? He was. What your mother has been doing ? She has tried to restore in a spirit of gentleness. She has bore with all disagreements that your father has said and done. She kept her covenant with her husband that she married and never leave his side. She has forgiven. Though she was afraid, because she has not heard the truth of Christ’s love. That we have heard:

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. -Matthew 11:28

Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. -Matthew 11:29

When Christ our Lord asked us to take His yoke, it is because when we take His yoke, He bore all our afflictions, sufferings, pains, burdens, and sin. How do I know that ? This is what we have heard:

Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. -Isaiah 53:4

Beloved one, Christ crucified on the cross, he has borne our griefs and sorrows. He is a man of Sorrows, acquainted with all our griefs.

For we heard:
He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. -Isaiah 53:3

Beloved one, as for your sister, she has not kept watch on herself, she was tempted, that is why she acted the way she did.

For we heard:
Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. -Galatians 6:1

Beloved one, release forgiveness to your sister, and ask wisdom from the Lord how you might restore her in a spirit of gentleness.

As for your father, when you related to us, you said, “My father used to be dependent on alcohol and for the longest time we've thought that was the only problem.” Let me
talk about this problem first.

Beloved one, when a person is healthy, a person has a strength when one wants to drink and not to drink.
but when a person is addicted, he may say with his mouth that he doesn’t want to drink,
yet he drinks. Why? That person no longer has the strength when or when not to drink. Why? he has been enslaved by demon.
How？first, the demon entice, harass,torment,compel,enslave, defile, and make people weak, sick and tired.

So beloved one, your father need prayers of deliverance, and you need to fast for him.

When you said,”He is mentally abusive and a tyrant in my family. My mom used to fight back in the beginning, but in the last 15 years she mostly remains silent whenever he talks her down.”; beloved one, the demon defile your father’s mind, that is why he was abusive mentally and tyrant. Beloved, the demon in your father is the one who talk your mother down. Your father was not himself, he just obeyed whatever the demon corrupt his mind and his tongue. Beloved one, be like Jesus who show compassion to the helpless.

For we heard:
When He SAW the crowds, He HAD COMPASSION for them, because they were HARASSED and HELPLESS, like sheep without a shepherd. -Matthew 9:36

Also, consider this:
Moses spoke to the LORD, saying,
"Let the LORD, the God of the spirits of all flesh, appoint a man over the congregation who shall go out before them and come in before them, who shall lead them out and bring them in, that the congregation of the LORD may not be as sheep that have no shepherd." -Numbers 27:15-17

So beloved one, pray for yourself or anyone member of your family or your whole family:

To You, Lord, I commit myself.
I believe Lord that You saw me among the crowds, and had compassion on me because I was helpless.
I thank God of the spirits of all flesh that who has appointed Christ as our Shepherd who shall go out before us and come in before us, who shall lead us out and bring us in His fold.
In the day of my trouble I call upon You, for You answer me.
Amen

So beloved one, remember the story of Joseph in Egypt, despite what he has suffered because of his brothers, he had compassion on them, and this turn out not only for his deliverance but also for their deliverance.

So beloved one, pray and fast, have compassion, and with the help of the Spirit of Christ,this will turn out for your family’s deliverance.

Seek the Lord’s strength continually, and you will be strengthen to forgive. Don’t be ignorant of God’s righteousness. Don’t seek to establish your own righteousness. Submit to God’s righteousness, that comes through faith in Christ Jesus.

Beloved one, ask the Lord daily the strength to bear with all disagreements. Strengthen your mother, sister, and even your father through the love of Christ.

Consider also:
From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. -2 Corinthians 5:16

Beloved one, don’t regard anyone in your family and anyone according to the flesh. How? Consider our Lord:

Afterward he appeared to the eleven themselves as they were reclining at table, and he rebuked them for their unbelief and hardness of heart, because they had not believed those who saw him after he had risen. -Mark 16:14

Despite the eleven disciples’s unbelief and hardness of heart, Lord still believe this, for we heard our Lord prayed:

I am praying for them. I am not praying for the world but for those whom you have given me, for they are yours. -John 17:9

So beloved one, so when you pray, or not praying, regard as our Lord regards His disciples.

I am praying for my family,….I am not praying for the world but for my family ….. whom you have given me, for they are Yours

Though your father and sister may have unbelief and hardness of heart! Beloved one, pray and believe that your family are whom Jesus have given you.

For we heard:
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. -Mark 11:24

Beloved one, we all need practice not to regard anyone according to the flesh. So as we walk in the Spirit, just believe that Holy

Spirit helps in our weaknesses. Our Lord never leave us alone. He did not forsake us.

Trust the Lord always be with you. You will not fear. You will not be afraid of the unexpected. You will have the strength of the Lord. For we heard:

The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. -Psalms 118:14

Glad songs of salvation are in the tents of the righteous: "The right hand of the LORD does valiantly, -Psalms 118:15

Beloved one, lift your hands and give thanks to the Lord for His goodness and wonderful works to you and your family.

May God’s grace and peace be multiplied to you. Amen

 

[com7fy8]

If I remain nice I might get drawn back easily, if I am very serious at distancing myself from them, I will be the meanest person.

God knows how you really are. We can not control how other people think about us. If someone clearly misrepresents you and does not allow you to speak for yourself, make sure you don't do this.

Plus, it's hard to do everything alone.

Well, if we pray with God, we are not alone. And, yes, we can be anywhere He pleases . . . and have peace >

"You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies" (in Psalm 23:5).

But Jesus did say if people reject us while we are doing God's will . . . move on to find ones who receive our ministry. And kick the dust off your feet.

I feel like I am trying to squeeze love from this impossible situation.

Well, if people do not know how to love, they need your good example.

Now, perhaps you will move out. But anywhere you go, there can be evil people. So, you do need to learn how to relate with cruel and evil people; so now you can learn, if and as long as you stay where you are. And yes please do share with people who are helping you to grow in Jesus . . . not only giving you advice about problems.

 

[Pearl7]

Beloved one,
This is what we have heard:
“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
‭‭John‬ ‭14:27‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Beloved one, to live a normal life is to have the peace of Christ in your life every day. Then your heart will not be troubled and afraid.

As we also heard:
“Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace always in every way. The Lord be with you all.”
‭‭II Thessalonians‬ ‭3:16‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Beloved one, ask and it will be given to you.

Abba,
I ask that You may give to me, …, the peace that Christ leave with us, the peace that He gives to us.
For I believe, that You are our Heavenly Father who gives good things to us.
Thank You, Abba, that you grant us this peace always in every way.
I believe Abba, that neither our heart will be troubled in any way nor afraid, for You are with us.
Amen.

Beloved one, I understand that you are suffering. Beloved one, consider what you heard:

“And who is he who will harm you if you become followers of what is good?

But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you are blessed. “And do not be afraid of their threats, nor be troubled.”

But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear;

having a good conscience, that when they defame you as evildoers, those who revile your good conduct in Christ may be ashamed.

For it is better, if it is the will of God, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.”
‭‭I Peter‬ ‭3:13-17‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Beloved one, I understand that you and your mother, and may be your sister, too, have been harmed. Let me talk about you first before we discuss about them and also your father.

You have been follower of good, for you have chosen to put God first. I understand other Christians have told you to forgive your father and don't think bad about him. They are right.But have you daily release forgiveness to your father ? Have you asked daily to God for His strength to release forgiveness to your father? Remember beloved one, what our Lord said:

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, -Matthew 6:14
but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. -Matthew 6:15

Yes, their trespasses, have you forgiven also your sister ? Why ? This is what we have heard:

Behold, the LORD's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save, or his ear dull, that it cannot hear; -Isaiah 59:1
but your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden his face from you so that HE DOES NOT HEAR. -Isaiah 59:2

It is not that God can’t save your family but you have not released your forgiveness to them so that God doesn’t hear your prayer.

Remember again what our Lord said:
And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against ANYONE, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses." -Mark 11:25

So beloved one, don’t harbor anything against anyone and daily release forgiveness to anyone. When you have released your forgiveness, BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE MET THE CONDITION that our Lord Jesus Christ have set that your trespasses are FORGIVEN.

When you are not with your father, you may still have disturbing thoughts about him. So when you are reminded by those disturbing thoughts, you are suffering. Then humble yourself before God, release forgiveness to him again and again. Then you will be strengthen to believe what Christ have spoken, that His grace strengthen you to release forgiveness to anyone who wronged you.

For we heard:
You then, my child, be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus, -2 Timothy 2:1

Beloved one, are you wondering where is the Lord’s grace that you need so much ? This is what we have heard apostle Paul:

Follow the pattern of the sound words that you have heard from me, in the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. -2 Timothy 1:13

Likewise, we heard:
And we also thank God constantly for this, that when you received the word of God, which you heard from us, you accepted it not as the word of men but as what it really is, the word of God, which is at work in you believers. -1 Thessalonians 2:13

So beloved one, when we follow the pattern of sound words that we have heard from apostles of Jesus Christ, when we follow the pattern of sound words that we have heard from the Lord Jesus Christ Himself, as it really is the word of God, which is at work in us who believe, that is, in the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

As our Lord Jesus Christ Himself said:
It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life. -John 6:63

The words that Christ have spoken are Spirit and Life.The words that Christ have spoken through His holy apostles are Spirit and Life.

So beloved one, the life you seek is in Christ Jesus, that is in faith and love that is in Christ Jesus.

Thank you so much for your answer. How do you know I haven't forgiven my father and sister. I have done it multiple times, I've fasted for them. The least thing I need to know is that not just them, but even God has a problem with me.

 

[Eftsoon]

Thank you! It's good to read you see it that way, I am always trying to be transparent and do what's right. I think staying in that household under my father's authority is very abusive; there are unwritten rules that I got so used to, I don't function like a normal person when I am there. I am mostly in my room, I have to be nearly dead not to offend him.
I too wish mom will escape.

I should clarify that you don't have to cut your losses in order to escape. People with NPD personalities will try to entrap victims in emotional webs. It's possible to live/work/exist around them without being trapped in the web. That is a form of escape. Then you have the long process of tending to your wounds. The healing process is difficult, but it will be transformative.

Do you have an active life beyond your family? You will absolutely need that.

No one should have to live in fear. I hope that God steps in and brings healing, refashioning your family in the Divine image. Families here on Earth reflect the relations in Heaven. The family should be a foretaste of paradise.