my boyfriend has aspergers please help me

[britt521]

i need help to understand people better that have aspergers, i sometimes don't understand him and i feel so bad about it
can someone with aspergers help me a little bit..
my boyfriend is 17 and me and him have been going out for almost 8 months.. we are so happy together.. but it seems like he doesn't care about my feelings at all.. i know he loves me
but he does things that really hurt my feelings... he talks to so many other girls.. and he say sexual things to other girls because he said he cant control himself and he doesn't mean any of it.. do other people with aspergers do that? or is he just using that as a excuse.. please someone help me i don't know if he really loves me... he tells me he does but he doesn't care about my feelings

 

[Rut]

First I want to say welcome to this forum.I hope you going to enjoy to be here

I don`t know so much about aspergers but I saw it belongs to the group Austics.

I have look after two austics children and they can`t understand feelings so much.So maybe you boyfriend loves you but because of his illness he don`t know what feeling are as we know them.

I shall try to look after more information if you get more information from people that know much better then me

 

[vespasia]

Have a look at the UKs National Autistic Society pages here
http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=126&a=2212

Tony Attwood is the leading writer on ASDs and relationship with partners/spouses.
http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/

Part of triad of impairments makes its difficult if not impossible for even the most able to 'get' other peoples feelings.
Have a read through the information on those sites.

He is not doing things to deliberately hurt you.
If no one has told him that it is inapprobraite to talk to other girls about sexual stuff he will not know he should not do it. Sadly many parents shy away from talking to their ASD teens about sex because they hope they themselves cannot imagine that such a person would want to have that close a relationship with another person.

Use communication that is literal and calm. If he struggles to comprhend feelings keep it simple. He will NOT be able to read your body language you will need to tell him simply.

Just because he is unable to show you empathy does not ean he does not care. Showing care is really hard to do and most ASDs do it in a blunt way that is mis-understood.

Relate in the UK now offers specialist relationship support to partners of people with ASD and many of the local societies do too.

 

[jamiex534]

He doesn't understand. I'm sure he loves you and you love him because you are seeking help like this and you wouldn't do it unless you really cared. If you have been going out for 8 months he sure as hell has to love you. Don't worry, keep your head up. If he does not come back, then you don't need him. It would be hard to move on but you just have to think about it, I mean if you love him and he does this to you what is the point of you keep getting hurt. You just need to find someone who will treat you right if he can't. I hope all goes well. Let me know what happens. Good luck.

 

[uniquetadpole]

i need help to understand people better that have aspergers, i sometimes don't understand him and i feel so bad about it
can someone with aspergers help me a little bit..
my boyfriend is 17 and me and him have been going out for almost 8 months.. we are so happy together.. but it seems like he doesn't care about my feelings at all.. i know he loves me
but he does things that really hurt my feelings... he talks to so many other girls.. and he say sexual things to other girls because he said he cant control himself and he doesn't mean any of it.. do other people with aspergers do that? or is he just using that as a excuse.. please someone help me i don't know if he really loves me... he tells me he does but he doesn't care about my feelings

Well I cannot speak for him...but if he is Aspie...then I would guarantee you he is loyal... just having a hard time expressing it in a format you are used to. Perhaps if you can find a metaphor that explains your feelings...he would get it better. Sometimes, even though aspies take things more literally...metaphors can be turned into a math problem...ever since I learned to view written language and pictures as a metaphor... like a math problem...it has been easier for me to "translate" societies language. Although I still automatically go literal... I have trained my brain to not stop there but to find all of the possible math solutions to the particular image that someone is sharing... I do it so well... that I am extremely into symbolism. And that throws people with my diagnosis (yet another mask)...but that is why it takes me so long to process what people are trying to explain to me... and do alot of "curious" questioning... not attacking questioning... I find that I shut down from questions where I think I might have screwed up socially again... but if someone is genuinely curious as to why I behave a certain way...sometimes I don't have an answer but days later I will come back at them with one after I have worked on figuring out why I did a certain thing in a certain situation... and it takes alot of that back and forth curiosity for me to be able to see things from other peoples perspective...particularly when it is about me... when it is about someone with someone else...I can see the entire issue and creatively come up with a solution that will work... usually something off the wall... but when it is about me...all I can see is my intent and have a great deal of trouble seeing what it looks like to others because I have difficulty relating to their perspective.

But I am sure that if your boyfriend says he loves you he has no intention of hurting you with what he is innocently doing with other girls... he simply needs help seeing it from your perspective... and simply "walking in someone elses footsteps" doesn't always work...but it is a good place to start...but have no expectations... rather... see what the outcomes is... and then go from there... don't give up on him... Aspies really do mean well.

I know that is one of my hugest frustrations with communications... why can't I seem to get my intentions across to others?

 

[HannahBanana]

i need help to understand people better that have aspergers, i sometimes don't understand him and i feel so bad about it
can someone with aspergers help me a little bit..
my boyfriend is 17 and me and him have been going out for almost 8 months.. we are so happy together.. but it seems like he doesn't care about my feelings at all.. i know he loves me
but he does things that really hurt my feelings... he talks to so many other girls.. and he say sexual things to other girls because he said he cant control himself and he doesn't mean any of it.. do other people with aspergers do that? or is he just using that as a excuse.. please someone help me i don't know if he really loves me... he tells me he does but he doesn't care about my feelings

I really doubt your boyfriend means to act like he doesn't care about your feelings, at least not if his case of AS is anything like mine (and yes, there are different types and severities of AS that a person can have). You see, with us Aspies, it's hard to focus on anyone other than yourself sometimes, and it's also hard to censor what you say. Both of those things can easily lead to hurt feelings in a romantic partner. So I suggest you try your hardest not to take it personally when he offends you and just learn to accept that part of his personality.

 

[uniquetadpole]

I have this book...I haven't read it really just yet... but i have glanced through it...it seems to be written more for partners than us aspies...but both can get alot out of it... it is called Asperger's Syndrome and Long Term Relationships by Ashley Stanford and Liane Holliday Willey

http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Synd...ef=sr_1_1/002-7080560-1372050?ie=UTF8&s=books

Willey wronte another one that I really loved reading called Pretending to be Normal: Living with Asperger's Syndrome

I highly recommend that one if you want to begin to get a glimpse of what it is like to have AS.

I hope this helps.

Tad

 

[drifter5]

I m not sure , but although i think that he may find it difficult to control, i think that he may be able to exercise some control, especially now that you have asked him to not do this any more. He is aware now that what he is doing is hurtful to you .

 

[britt521]

thankyou very much i actually do understand more i wish i would have gotten help sooner though. me and him are taking a break and he tells me how mcuh he loves me and stuff but im afraid he will fall in love with somebody else, he says right now he cant be focused on just one person.. but he also called me last night to say goodnight and was telling me how he hate random hookups now and how they arent fun anymore.. so im really hoping that he will come back.
i honestly love him more than anything and im trying to do all i can to understand him more..
can someone help.. do you think he will start to realize he misses me and he wants me back?
tomorrow will be a weak we have been broken up for.. he told me its only for a little but i want it to be sooner.. do you think he may come back sooner then i expect if he starts to miss me.. next week we are out of school for the whole week because of regents and i think that if we dont talk as much he will start to miss me and realize he needs me
can someone please help..
i don't know if it his aspergers making him not realize he really loves me or needs me

 

[Anygma]

some of what you say bring me back to memory lane, altho i never met any aspie, even less dated one, but i heard some of that talk from "normal" guys. and it makes me wonder. is it more acceptable because he's aspie? finding it hard to focus on just one person, to me, would be an alert signal. aspie or not. there's no doubt you have feeling for this special someone. are you ready to go through the emotional roallercoaster in the long run? i can tell you, it can physicaly burn you out.

in love, we can hope the other person miss us and want to be with us, but hoping the other one "need" you is not how we should view love. maybe i'm wrong but i think, he mannaged before to meet you and can still mannage the rest of his life... what if he think he need you and then realise one day he doesn't? kids need their mom while they grow up but i don't think you'd want to assume the role of his mom and i dont' think that's what he'd want either.

i think being wanted without being needed make being wanted even that much more precious.

don't follow your feelings(feelings come and go), follow your heart(and be true to your heart, nourish it with God's Love)

i don't know if i said anything you want to hear, but i hope somewhere(not necessarily from me) you'll find what you need to hear.

with love in Christ
Anygma

 

[drifter5]

Aspies tend to be very loyal, if they are sure that they want to be with someone.....

 

[lavenderskies]

I will be praying for you in this situation. God is there with you to comfort you. Lean on him.

 

[fitmom]

Thank you guys for all your helpful posts on this thread. We ahve a young (10.5) year old cousin diagnosed with Asperbers syndrome, who's parents are in a lot of denial. Not as much as they used to be. Anyway, may i ask a question on this thread? J

 

[britt521]

well Sunday was our 8 month and he finally asked me back out after not going out for over a week. we are doing good but i'm letting him talk to other girls for now.. i think hes realizing its wrong and that he misses me because alst night he called at 3 am just to tell me he missed me and how wrong it feels. i think he is starting to realize its just so hard because hes always getting mad at me if i bring it up. we both have myspace and we weren't friends for a while on it when we broke up so i added him back on it today and i saw all these girls commenting him and him commenting them back talking about their cleavage and stuff so he agreed that it was wrong and said he would stop.. i just want him to want a serious relationship again ... idk how to make him one want again, he said he will again soon but idk i don't want to mess this up

 

[britt521]

Thank you guys for all your helpful posts on this thread. We ahve a young (10.5) year old cousin diagnosed with Asperbers syndrome, who's parents are in a lot of denial. Not as much as they used to be. Anyway, may i ask a question on this thread? J

yeah of course you can maybe i can help since i know alot about if because my boyfriend has aspergers.

 

[Keantoken]

Originally Posted by britt521
i need help to understand people better that have aspergers, i sometimes don't understand him and i feel so bad about it
can someone with aspergers help me a little bit..
my boyfriend is 17 and me and him have been going out for almost 8 months.. we are so happy together.. but it seems like he doesn't care about my feelings at all.. i know he loves me
but he does things that really hurt my feelings... he talks to so many other girls.. and he say sexual things to other girls because he said he cant control himself and he doesn't mean any of it.. do other people with aspergers do that? or is he just using that as a excuse.. please someone help me i don't know if he really loves me... he tells me he does but he doesn't care about my feelings

Don't worry.

I have Aspergers and from what I know about us, we tend to like people that we deem respectable. If he deems you respectable, which he most likely does, it might mean that he feels as if he could live his life with you and not regret doing so (which is how I feel about this one girl...). This may just be what I'm like, but this is pretty much my best analyzation:

For some odd reason or another, I seem to be more aware of my emotions and thought processes than anyone else I know (not that I know anyone else very well ). This leads me to be critical of myself on such a level that I try to keep my face blank all the time and I try to detect when my emotions are affecting my judgment so that I can go into "Terminator Mode" and act like a robot. Otherwise I try not to act like a robot constantly. People tell me to act more emotional, but when I do, it just doesn't feel as if I'm being myself...
So even if he doesn't act like he has any feelings towards you, he probably just doesn't have much of a way to convey them.


Now there is another possibility.... Please don't take this personal if it seems offending.

I know for a fact that I wouldn't go around just talking to any girl about sexual stuff. That is definitely not a common trait of Autistic people. He may just be lying about the autism thing. It sounds strangely as if it's not your love that he wants...
But don't take my word for granted. Only you can be the best judge of this situation, so use your best judgment.

My final Opinion:
It doesn't seem as if he is just making up the aspergers thing, being as to how he genuinely seems to like you and want to know you better. To me it looks like he really respects you, so keep it up. The best way to analyze him ("analyze him"... That's aspergers for you...) is to get to know him better.

Anyways, sorry if this post is in all Italics! The editor messed up somehow...

Hope you find happiness,

- keantoken

 

[shazabella]

Hey Britt,

I was recently told by a friend of mine who I have known for years that he has Aspergers Syndrome, if you want to talk to someone about this please feel free to reply and i can give you some links to some great websites / forums if you want to know more about it or even just someone to talk to about it.

I am still learning about it myself and my friend is teaching me about it and we do make mistakes and have communication problems sometimes but the main thing is to keep talking- let him know how you are feeling and that certain things he is doing upset you.

This may sound heartless- but its really not; don't use let him use the AS an excuse or don't excuse his behaviour because of the AS - if it upsets you , let him know. Sometimes I've had to sit my friend down and say clearly look *insert problem* has made me feel *insert emotion* and vice versa.

In regards to the serious relationship - maybe he's just not ready for it atm , it will take time and from my understanding people with AS are 100% committed to whoever they are with whether it be friends or partners.

Don't give up

- Shaz

 

[redmartian89]

hello brit,
I also have AS and I can totally relate to your situation. I agree with some of the earlier posts mentioning loyality with AS people, beacuse I was in a similar situation with my girlfriend. She also liked very much to be on other guys. Even though we broke up due to this, I'm still loyal to and love her, even when she doesn't understand this. With your boyfriend, I'd say look very closely for signs from him. He should mention some kind of guilt or regret over the break up. Also, when he talks to you, if he focuses his attention on the AS instead of his guilt, he's probably using AS as an excuse. But you know better then I, so only you can be the judge.
I wish you both well.
Michael

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Maybe you should be open to dating other guys. Hard to imagine maybe, but meeting some guys who treat you well might help clarify things. The things he's saying to the other girls isn't a good thing. He sounded pretty good until that point and the comment about hookups not being good anymore.... Why was he doing this before?

In addition to being Aspie, he could have some other problems like a porn addiction perhaps? My son had to be restricted from the computer, but he doesn't make sexual comments.

And the saying I love you and not always acting like it and saying hurtful things sound like my 50 yr old SO. He's not aspie (as far as I know), but I seriously think he has ADD and had learning probs in school. If he isn't then unfortunately it's just a thing some guys do. I'm trying to decide if we should continue in our relationship.

 

[swill8295]

i need help to understand people better that have aspergers, i sometimes don't understand him and i feel so bad about it
can someone with aspergers help me a little bit..
my boyfriend is 17 and me and him have been going out for almost 8 months.. we are so happy together.. but it seems like he doesn't care about my feelings at all.. i know he loves me
but he does things that really hurt my feelings... he talks to so many other girls.. and he say sexual things to other girls because he said he cant control himself and he doesn't mean any of it.. do other people with aspergers do that? or is he just using that as a excuse.. please someone help me i don't know if he really loves me... he tells me he does but he doesn't care about my feelings

I have a friend just like that who has aspergers. I have high functioning autism myself, but I have been able to appear normal socially. I will tell you that Tony has that ultra masculine thing going on, and it really irritates me a lot. He's even told me how to pick up girls and how to do things that really make me look quite silly. And he will do them at awkward times. For about 5 years I complained to everyone I knew about him and people just said why don't you look for new friends. But I finally realized something. He doesn't do these annoying things to annoy me like other people, at least most of the time. Since he has aspergers, he's more apt to remember stuff by rote, so he sucks up everything he sees like a sponge. If he hangs out with a bunch of drunk frat boys, he will act like them in a religious manner because his logic says that this is how society basically is, and he is already ultra obsessed with fitting in. It is not uncommon for him to bring up things like the size of womens chests and how he doesn't mind implants, but this is what he's learned and he's really honestly not trying to offend everyone. I just patiently tell him that that is not good, and I don't expect him to read my mind. People like your boyfriend will not receive normal social queues and need to be told very specifically and persistently what they are doing wrong before it ever sinks into their synapses what they're doing wrong. And don't ever get the idea that he doesn't love you, because he probably does. He just doesn't know how to look around his friends. Maybe direct his attention to a positive crowd or a young church group. Tony has had pretty good luck at the local youth church down here, and just got done with a mountain climbing trip in colorado. It is a really good influence for him, and I can see how it's positively affecting him. He would have been quite a bit more jive if he hadn't met these people, because they are honest and tell him when he is saying innappropriate things. Keep in mind that he takes things very literally and is very impressionable. Good luck.