My boyfriend drinks and I don't

[Cece_lee16]

It's nice to hear of someone sharing the same conviction. It's hard to think about walking away because two years feels like a long time. But it will be impossible moving forward not having a peace or going against my conscience. Thank you for your response

 

[seeking.IAM]

Marrying someone with hope they will change or marrying someone and trying to change them is generally a poor idea.

 

[Cece_lee16]

Haha that is a very true statement.

 

[seeking.IAM]

Healthy relationships can tolerate differences, but they have to be differences you are able to tolerate.

 

[Stabat Mater dolorosa]

Hi All,

This is my first post so I'm not sure if I'm doing it correctly. I was hoping I could hear some different ideas regarding my current situation. I am a 28-year-old and I've been dating my boyfriend for over two years. I grew up in a family with several alcoholics. I also grew up with parents and in a church community that didn't drink at all. I guess I was kind of exposed to two extremes. Watching my cousins lives be destroyed by their father's alcoholism was incredibly tramatic for me and I developed a newfound sense of security living in a household where alcohol just wasn't around. Fast forward to 28 I have never had a drink of alcohol. In college I was never even tempted and wouldn't even consider dating someone who drank. I don't actually believe that drinking in moderation is a sin but I truly feel like it is one of my spiritual convictions and something the Lord has laid on my heart to abstain from. I have no problem with my friends drinking and I'm around it all the time.

I know that witnessing alcoholism shaped my view of drinking, but I've also grown up and have been able to form my own ideas separate from the past. I know many Christians who are in love with the Lord, and are amazing leaders who drink alcohol responsibly and don't have any issues. Personally, not drinking has been a ministry opportunity for me. It is been one of the ways that I can truly be set apart from the world and it has given me the opportunity to have unique conversations that I wouldn't be able to have otherwise. It's also extremely helpful when I have a friend that is dealing with alcohol or substance-abuse. Most times I'm the only sober person in their life. So that's the background.

When I first started dating my boyfriend two years ago I told him that I didn't drink and that I didnt want to date someone who does. I have always dreamed about being on the same page with this issue especially when I have children. He told me he drank but that he didn't mind stopping. It was something that was easy to give up if that would keep us from dating. I of course was hesitant, because I wouldn't want someone to make that decision based on me. I agreed, but never really felt comfortable. When we would go out with friends who would drink I could feel the tension. I knew he wanted to which made me feel guilty. we had a few conversations and I decided that I would be OK if he drink occasionally without me knowing. I know he has had drank here or there and I would like to say that it doesn't bother me but it really does. I just feel so sad and disappointed maybe in myself that I'm going against something that has been ( and still is) so important to me. This is one of the issues that's keeping me from feeling comfortable about getting engaged. I know if it came down to us breaking up or him drinking he would again tell me he would gladly give it up but I'm not an idiot and I know fast forward a few years that would change. And I can't force him to have the same convictions as me nor would I want to. Honestly, I don't know what to do and yes I have prayed about it. I'm sorry this is long I have no idea if there's a limit! But if anyone has advise I would love to hear it! Sometimes moving forward without us being on the same page feels impossible and there's part of my heart that wants to hold out for someone that shares the same conviction.

Perhaps you should consider the possibility that this is a tad selfish of you?
I mean don't take this the wrong way, but you mention yourself a awful a lot in your OP.
Why can't you abstain and keep this as your cross to bear (based on your firsthand difficulties with alcoholism and all. It's not any religious reasons for a lifetime of sobriety, even the Lord drank wine at times)
?

To force someone into conformity to your conviction is bad, very bad.
Is this one issue more worth to you than all his good sides?
Is the content in his glass really outweighing everything else about him?
Is a occasional glass of wine or a beer every now and then worth tossing this fish overboard again?

If you can say yes to any of the above then you cannot possibly love him and so you should give him his life back and stop wasting both of your time on this dead relationship.

I hate smoking, but if I fell in love with the perfect girl (not possible though as I'm called to a life in celibacy), my soul mate I'd accept her smoking in a heartbeat if I had to.

If he's responsible in his drinking I cannot understand your line of thinking.

 

[Dave G.]

I have a feeling that Cece is a bit like myself, I came under conviction of the Holy Spirit over alcohol, it's absolutely wrong for my life and I gave the reasons why in my other post. Those things are what the HS pointed out to me and they have stuck. I'm a little different in one sense, I can't stand the sight of the stuff personally and absolutely as well consider it a tool of the devil himself.. I've just seen too much destruction. Pubs are full of functioning alcoholics destroying their lives and generally little to no consideration of what God wants for them.. Now that said, my wife has a glass of wine on a special dinner out and I have no problem with that. The only wine kept in our house is for cooking, those little bottles of cooking sherry and such.

The wine Jesus drank is not the wine of today. Today's wine would be considered strong drink, and we are told to not touch strong drink. Now there will be arguments for alcohol within Christianity but they are unfounded in scripture. It's more about social acceptance than scripture.

 

[Stabat Mater dolorosa]

The wine Jesus drank is not the wine of today. Today's wine would be considered strong drink, and we are told to not touch strong drink.

How can you prove that?
Not to be a plague to you, but this seems like one of them attempts to make scripture fit your agenda kind of thing...

 

[Dave G.]

How can you prove that?
Not to be a plague to you, but this seems like one of them attempts to make scripture fit your agenda kind of thing...

Stabat, its Jewish history. Not only was wine of the day low octane so to speak but it and grapejuice shared the same Jewish name and both cut with water. But you don't have to trust my word you can do your own search. I'm under conviction though so it doesn't matter to me either way.

 

[Albion]

.

 

[Dave G.]

We have an approach in church where alcohol is so controversial that we use grape juice. It's not that we couldn't use cut wine but we don't. Either is biblically sound doctrine. but we use pure grape juice LOL, not the cheap stuff.

But my statements above were from searches I did on Jewish history. Also from theological studies I read and heard spoken on. Again, I'm under conviction so non of it really matters to me except to be accurate when I speak of it. I was once considering the ministry pretty seriously and when I did that I had a series of events take place that can not be customarily explained, one was total conviction against alcohol.

 

[JCFantasy23]

It sounds like you have a legit reason to want to avoid alcohol - you are probably feeling like God has always wanted you to abstain because of your family history. Genetics really does make a difference on how easily certain addictions can grab you, and sounds like alcoholism would be an easier, more tempting vice for you to fall in if you started drinking compared to some other things. I like where you said you don't judge other Christians for it - it's good to keep an open mind that we don't all agree or have the same issues with certain things.

That said, if it bothers you too much on your boyfriend, I agree to just end the relationship -- but remember no one will be perfect. As long as he is drinking socially as he agreed to, you cannot always expect him to change. There will be something that bugs you about everyone you end up with, it's just the way we are and clash. You have to think if it is a big enough issue to you that it's a dealbreaker or not.

 

[Dave G.]

I'd put it before the Lord in prayer and let Him guide you. Ask to better understand this situation. He is quite accommodating I might add !

 

[Stabat Mater dolorosa]

Stabat, its Jewish history. Not only was wine of the day low octane so to speak but it and grapejuice shared the same Jewish name and both cut with water. But you don't have to trust my word you can do your own search. I'm under conviction though so it doesn't matter to me either way.

Sorry to both you Dave and the op, I derailed this thread by taking it away from the question of the OP.

God bless.

 

[Cece_lee16]

Perhaps you should consider the possibility that this is a tad selfish of you?
I mean don't take this the wrong way, but you mention yourself a awful a lot in your OP.
Why can't you abstain and keep this as your cross to bear (based on your firsthand difficulties with alcoholism and all. It's not any religious reasons for a lifetime of sobriety, even the Lord drank wine at times)
?

To force someone into conformity to your conviction is bad, very bad.
Is this one issue more worth to you than all his good sides?
Is the content in his glass really outweighing everything else about him?
Is a occasional glass of wine or a beer every now and then worth tossing this fish overboard again?

If you can say yes to any of the above then you cannot possibly love him and so you should give him his life back and stop wasting both of your time on this dead relationship.

I hate smoking, but if I fell in love with the perfect girl (not possible though as I'm called to a life in celibacy), my soul mate I'd accept her smoking in a heartbeat if I had to.

If he's responsible in his drinking I cannot understand your line of thinking.

 

[Cece_lee16]

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I totally see what you're saying and I have definitely considered the fact that maybe I'm just being selfish. I know that there is a give-and-take in relationships and that sometimes a compromise is necessary. I would never try and force my convictions on to somebody else. I've honestly been trying to ignore my own convictions in order to be open minded. I've also felt like if I really love him then it's OK for me to compromise on something that is important to me. However, the issue is I haven't had a peace about the situation and I've been ignoring it up until now where it's become much too difficult to turn a blind eye to. I actually talked to him this morning and he apologized for not sticking to what he told me. When we first started dating and I told him I didn't want to date someone that drank and he told me he wouldn't drink and it wouldn't be a problem for him. He truly does only drink occasionally but it's hard because he knew how I felt from the beginning and didn't stick with it. Thank you for letting me process this with you and I appreciate your response.

 

[Cece_lee16]

I'd put it before the Lord in prayer and let Him guide you. Ask to better understand this situation. He is quite accommodating I might add !

 

[Cece_lee16]

Thank you so much Dave I think we are in a similar position as well and I really appreciate your wise words. I will continue to seek the Lord and trust that he will reveal His will to me.

 

[Cece_lee16]

It sounds like you have a legit reason to want to avoid alcohol - you are probably feeling like God has always wanted you to abstain because of your family history. Genetics really does make a difference on how easily certain addictions can grab you, and sounds like alcoholism would be an easier, more tempting vice for you to fall in if you started drinking compared to some other things. I like where you said you don't judge other Christians for it - it's good to keep an open mind that we don't all agree or have the same issues with certain things.

That said, if it bothers you too much on your boyfriend, I agree to just end the relationship -- but remember no one will be perfect. As long as he is drinking socially as he agreed to, you cannot always expect him to change. There will be something that bugs you about everyone you end up with, it's just the way we are and clash. You have to think if it is a big enough issue to you that it's a dealbreaker or not.

 

[Cece_lee16]

I so agree with what you said. I have a lot to consider. Thank you so much

 

[Cece_lee16]

Healthy relationships can tolerate differences, but they have to be differences you are able to tolerate.