• Welcome to Christian Forums
  1. Welcome to Christian Forums, a forum to discuss Christianity in a friendly surrounding.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to be able to join in fellowship with Christians all over the world.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon and God Bless!

My boyfriend drinks and I don't

Discussion in 'Courting Couples' started by Cece_lee16, Jul 17, 2017.

  1. Cece_lee16

    Cece_lee16 New Member

    40
    +34
    United States
    Non-Denom
    In Relationship
    Hi All,

    This is my first post so I'm not sure if I'm doing it correctly. I was hoping I could hear some different ideas regarding my current situation. I am a 28-year-old and I've been dating my boyfriend for over two years. I grew up in a family with several alcoholics. I also grew up with parents and in a church community that didn't drink at all. I guess I was kind of exposed to two extremes. Watching my cousins lives be destroyed by their father's alcoholism was incredibly tramatic for me and I developed a newfound sense of security living in a household where alcohol just wasn't around. Fast forward to 28 I have never had a drink of alcohol. In college I was never even tempted and wouldn't even consider dating someone who drank. I don't actually believe that drinking in moderation is a sin but I truly feel like it is one of my spiritual convictions and something the Lord has laid on my heart to abstain from. I have no problem with my friends drinking and I'm around it all the time.

    I know that witnessing alcoholism shaped my view of drinking, but I've also grown up and have been able to form my own ideas separate from the past. I know many Christians who are in love with the Lord, and are amazing leaders who drink alcohol responsibly and don't have any issues. Personally, not drinking has been a ministry opportunity for me. It is been one of the ways that I can truly be set apart from the world and it has given me the opportunity to have unique conversations that I wouldn't be able to have otherwise. It's also extremely helpful when I have a friend that is dealing with alcohol or substance-abuse. Most times I'm the only sober person in their life. So that's the background.

    When I first started dating my boyfriend two years ago I told him that I didn't drink and that I didnt want to date someone who does. I have always dreamed about being on the same page with this issue especially when I have children. He told me he drank but that he didn't mind stopping. It was something that was easy to give up if that would keep us from dating. I of course was hesitant, because I wouldn't want someone to make that decision based on me. I agreed, but never really felt comfortable. When we would go out with friends who would drink I could feel the tension. I knew he wanted to which made me feel guilty. we had a few conversations and I decided that I would be OK if he drink occasionally without me knowing. I know he has had drank here or there and I would like to say that it doesn't bother me but it really does. I just feel so sad and disappointed maybe in myself that I'm going against something that has been ( and still is) so important to me. This is one of the issues that's keeping me from feeling comfortable about getting engaged. I know if it came down to us breaking up or him drinking he would again tell me he would gladly give it up but I'm not an idiot and I know fast forward a few years that would change. And I can't force him to have the same convictions as me nor would I want to. Honestly, I don't know what to do and yes I have prayed about it. I'm sorry this is long I have no idea if there's a limit! But if anyone has advise I would love to hear it! Sometimes moving forward without us being on the same page feels impossible and there's part of my heart that wants to hold out for someone that shares the same conviction.[/QUOTE]
     
  2. mukk_in

    mukk_in Yagna Mukkamala Supporter

    514
    +653
    India
    Christian
    Celibate
    [/QUOTE]
    Hello Cece_lee16, welcome to Christian Forums. I admire your convictions. If you're convinced in the Holy Spirit that your boyfriend doesn't share your values (not drinking, etc.) then it's best to move on. You can still love him as your brother in Christ. Hope that helps. God bless :)
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Prayers Prayers x 1
    • List
  3. Catherineanne

    Catherineanne Gone

    +4,069
    Anglican
    Private
    I am sorry, but this boyfriend is not right for you.

    You set a very clear boundary; something that matters to you, and he agreed - he even volunteered - to respect that boundary. But then you see him looking longingly at that drink, and eventually you decide to let him drink as long as you don't know, probably because he is already doing it.

    Would you say the same about him looking at other women, and then sleeping with them, as long as you don't know?

    Others may say this is not the same thing but it is exactly the same; you have values, he thought you were worth keeping those values for; now it turns out you are not worth what he said you were.

    If he crosses this boundary then he will cross others in the future. I suggest you save yourself a whole lot of future heartache, perhaps involving your children, and tell him that the relationship is over. I know this is not at all an easy thing to do, but he is the one making the choices, not you. He has chosen drink over you, and because you have a family history of drink problems you are confused by that.

    There is no need to be confused; you have to come first. No question. If he cannot give up the drink then he can give you up instead. And don't be fooled if he says he can do it, really. He has shown that he cannot. You deserve to have an alcohol free home, and that includes free of being inside your boyfriend.

    Be strong; end it.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Prayers Prayers x 1
    • List
  4. Cece_lee16

    Cece_lee16 New Member

    40
    +34
    United States
    Non-Denom
    In Relationship
    Wow thank you for your honesty and response, I really appreciate it. I've been hesitant to open up about this topic because I was afraid of truly thinking through it. What you said makes sense. Thanks again ❤️
     
  5. Cece_lee16

    Cece_lee16 New Member

    40
    +34
    United States
    Non-Denom
    In Relationship
     
  6. Cece_lee16

    Cece_lee16 New Member

    40
    +34
    United States
    Non-Denom
    In Relationship
    Wow thank you for your honesty and response, I really appreciate it. I've been hesitant to open up about this topic because I was afraid of truly thinking through it. What you said makes sense. Thanks again ❤️
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Prayers Prayers x 1
    • List
  7. Catherineanne

    Catherineanne Gone

    +4,069
    Anglican
    Private
    No problem.

    I feel for you because my husband was an alcoholic and my daughter is very averse to drink; she does not drink herself and I am pretty sure she would not want a boyfriend who did.

    When I met my husband I knew he drank more than I liked him to so he promised to cut down. What he actually did was to drink in secret. That is not the way to go. He died when our daughter was 18, of the effects of alcoholism.

    As the saying goes, if you can't be a good example be a dreadful warning. I am your dreadful warning.

    I wish you well.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Prayers Prayers x 1
    • List
  8. Cece_lee16

    Cece_lee16 New Member

    40
    +34
    United States
    Non-Denom
    In Relationship
     
  9. Cece_lee16

    Cece_lee16 New Member

    40
    +34
    United States
    Non-Denom
    In Relationship
    I'm so sorry you and your daughter had to go through that. Thank you for sharing that with me, I truly appreciate it.

    Blessings
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Prayers Prayers x 1
    • List
  10. quatona

    quatona "God"? What do you mean??

    +3,748
    Seeker
    Hey,

    everything you write sounds like alcohol-abstinence has a huge meaning to and for you, and that your partner drinking is actually a deal-breaker for you.

    So I see only two options:
    Either you split up, or you decide and learn to accept that your partner is different than you (that the latter mightn´t even be an available option to you would be perfectly understandable, seeing your personal history).
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Prayers Prayers x 1
    • List
  11. Cece_lee16

    Cece_lee16 New Member

    40
    +34
    United States
    Non-Denom
    In Relationship
     
  12. Cece_lee16

    Cece_lee16 New Member

    40
    +34
    United States
    Non-Denom
    In Relationship
    Thank you for your response. I agree with those being my only options. I have a lot to think about. Thanks again ❤️
     
  13. dysert

    dysert Member

    +1,541
    Christian
    Married
    I too think that this is a mismatch which could lead to disaster. Romans tells us that to go against our conscience is a sin. Your conscience is telling you not to drink at all (I'm the same way), and before the two of you get any more serious with each other he either needs to cut the cord completely or you need to split up and find someone more compatible with who you are. You don't like his drinking (I wouldn't either), and if he sneaks drinks secretly that's probably worse and might lead to alcoholism. Time to make the difficult decision and have that hard talk with him. Good luck.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Prayers Prayers x 1
    • List
  14. Petros2015

    Petros2015 Active Member

    462
    +387
    Eastern Orthodox
    Single
    Is he drinking alcoholically? He needs to respect your choice not to drink and you need to respect his choice to drink, it seems like. If that's beyond the boundary for either of you, then it's probably not going to work. AA has a sub-fellowship called Al-Anon for help with people who have grown up with alcoholic parents or partners, where alcohol has had a significant impact in indirectly shaping their lives. It might be helpful for you to check it out yourself or to attend a meeting with him is my advice. He probably doesn't have a clue of the damage it can do.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Prayers Prayers x 1
    • List
  15. Dave G.

    Dave G. Active Member

    412
    +547
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Just for the record, alcohol has ruined more lives and families and relationships than all the more powerful drugs put together. It's insidiousness is already at work in your relationship with this man. The power is not that of the alcohol , the power in that is all about who is behind the destruction, and he/the devil uses the alcohol to destroy. Biblically it actually is a sin. Here is why: today's alcohol compared with biblical days would be considered strong drink and there are strict orders not to partake of strong drink. New wine of that day ( what Jesus created for the wedding?) was little more than grape juice. Today's wine would be strong drink, the wine of Jesus' day , not new wine but fermented, was about 2% alcohol. No we have orders not to partake of strong drink and not to overly partake of the weak stuff which doesn't even exist today. Unless your man gets convicted by the Holy Spirit to end this charade of the devil, you will continually have trouble in this department. And more than that, if you are considering marriage you should be considering doing that with someone close to on the same page as you, a saved individual preferably and non drinker.

    Just my view, it's doctrinally sound though. Think this through clearly, the Holy Spirit is already guiding you. And we will be praying for you.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Prayers Prayers x 1
    • List
  16. Cece_lee16

    Cece_lee16 New Member

    40
    +34
    United States
    Non-Denom
    In Relationship
     
  17. Cece_lee16

    Cece_lee16 New Member

    40
    +34
    United States
    Non-Denom
    In Relationship
    Dave, thank you for your wisdom. The Holy Spirit is indeed putting this on my heart. Thanks for providing some clarity and taking time to respond generously. Thank you for your prayers. ❤️
     
  18. Cece_lee16

    Cece_lee16 New Member

    40
    +34
    United States
    Non-Denom
    In Relationship
     
  19. Cece_lee16

    Cece_lee16 New Member

    40
    +34
    United States
    Non-Denom
    In Relationship
    No, he is not drinking alcoholicly. Thank you for that suggestion, it definitely might be worth looking into. I think you're right about him not understanding the severity of the situation. I guess it can be hard to understand if you haven't experienced it. Thank you for your response. ❤️
     
  20. Cece_lee16

    Cece_lee16 New Member

    40
    +34
    United States
    Non-Denom
    In Relationship
     
Loading...