My boyfriend drinks and I don't

[Cece_lee16]

That is a great point.

 

[Stabat Mater dolorosa]

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I totally see what you're saying and I have definitely considered the fact that maybe I'm just being selfish. I know that there is a give-and-take in relationships and that sometimes a compromise is necessary. I would never try and force my convictions on to somebody else. I've honestly been trying to ignore my own convictions in order to be open minded. I've also felt like if I really love him then it's OK for me to compromise on something that is important to me. However, the issue is I haven't had a peace about the situation and I've been ignoring it up until now where it's become much too difficult to turn a blind eye to. I actually talked to him this morning and he apologized for not sticking to what he told me. When we first started dating and I told him I didn't want to date someone that drank and he told me he wouldn't drink and it wouldn't be a problem for him. He truly does only drink occasionally but it's hard because he knew how I felt from the beginning and didn't stick with it. Thank you for letting me process this with you and I appreciate your response.

I'm sorry if I came off kind of insensitive earlier, I hope you got something out of my post other than the underlying tone and rudeness.

I'd just like to add that if you're his girl, that girl, you know the one I mentioned earlier, the soul mate kind of love then I'd start drinking soda within a heartbeat too.
I guess one could say it good both ways, if you truly love him you could ignore this, but for a guy to lose the girl of his dreams over such a thing as booze seems hopeless too.

I hope you both manage to find a solution to this situation of yours.
I don't envy you, finding a Christian husband or wife that don't drink is not easy now adays.

Given the reasoning why you don't want any of it in your house it's really odd if he has to keep on drinking...
Hmm, but never have a drink?
Seems like there should be some room for a bit not in my company and with others without me present kind of thing.

Does it really matter to you what he does when out with friends for example?
Is that a war worth fighting?

Again I'm sorry for my insensitivity in my first response.
God bless you both, im praying for you.

 

[Cece_lee16]

I'm sorry if I came off kind of insensitive earlier, I hope you got something out of my post other than the underlying tone and rudeness.

I'd just like to add that if you're his girl, that girl, you know the one I mentioned earlier, the soul mate kind of love then I'd start drinking soda within a heartbeat too.
I guess one could say it good both ways, if you truly love him you could ignore this, but for a guy to lose the girl of his dreams over such a thing as booze seems hopeless too.

I hope you both manage to find a solution to this situation of yours.
I don't envy you, finding a Christian husband or wife that don't drink is not easy now adays.

Given the reasoning why you don't want any of it in your house it's really odd if he has to keep on drinking...
Hmm, but never have a drink?
Seems like there should be some room for a bit not in my company and with others without me present kind of thing.

Does it really matter to you what he does when out with friends for example?
Is that a war worth fighting?

Again I'm sorry for my insensitivity in my first response.
God bless you both, im praying for you.

 

[Cece_lee16]

Oh no need to apologize! I appreciate your honesty. Some of those questions you proposed are ones I have been wrestling with for the last few months. Especially the point you made about if I love him I could possibly ignore it. Everyone has given me so much to think about and I really appreciate each opinion that was shared! Thank you thank you for your prayers I truly appreciate them .

 

[Catherineanne]

I'm so sorry you and your daughter had to go through that. Thank you for sharing that with me, I truly appreciate it.

Blessings

No problem. I wish all the best for you.

Trust your intuition.

 

[Catherineanne]

Oh no need to apologize! I appreciate your honesty. Some of those questions you proposed are ones I have been wrestling with for the last few months. Especially the point you made about if I love him I could possibly ignore it. Everyone has given me so much to think about and I really appreciate each opinion that was shared! Thank you thank you for your prayers I truly appreciate them .

Ignoring boundary violations is not the way to go. Loving people do not cross boundaries in the first place.

 

[Catherineanne]

Is he drinking alcoholically? He needs to respect your choice not to drink and you need to respect his choice to drink, it seems like. If that's beyond the boundary for either of you, then it's probably not going to work. AA has a sub-fellowship called Al-Anon for help with people who have grown up with alcoholic parents or partners, where alcohol has had a significant impact in indirectly shaping their lives. It might be helpful for you to check it out yourself or to attend a meeting with him is my advice. He probably doesn't have a clue of the damage it can do.

It doesn't matter how much he is drinking; the point is he made a promise and he broke it.

How many more promises does he have to break before the OP realises he is not a man to be trusted?

 

[Petros2015]

How many more promises does he have to break before the OP realises he is not a man to be trusted?

From the OP:

"When we would go out with friends who would drink I could feel the tension. I knew he wanted to which made me feel guilty. we had a few conversations and I decided that I would be OK if he drink occasionally without me knowing. I know he has had drank here or there and I would like to say that it doesn't bother me but it really does"

It didn't sound like he broke a promise. It sounds like a compromise was later (how much later?) made on his behalf which the OP is now uncomfortable with, so it needs to be rolled back. Nothing the OP said indicated he was an untrustworthy character (made the promise not intending to keep it, broke it without communicating he had broken it), just not committed to sobriety for himself as the OP is and maybe not understanding how critical it is for herself. So she may need to find someone who is committed to sobriety for their own sakes, if that's what she wants and needs. It's 2 years down the road and understanding each other's perspectives better might help, hence the Al-Anon suggestion for both of them. Communication and education usually doesn't hurt unless one of parties is genuinely insincere and manipulative. (if he is, yeah, run, don't walk). But I don't see that from what was posted.

 

[Cece_lee16]

Thank you for your response. He is very kind and not manipulative at all. Looking back I never should have made the compromise I just genuinely had no idea I would end up feeling upset about it. He never pressured me in to making that compromise it was something I wanted to do on my own because I hated feeling like he was missing out on something. But in return it ended up putting a strain on our relationship. I think it has become clear since talking with everyone that finding someone who shares that same conviction is very important to me. The only thing I'm struggling with is the fact that there are A LOT of things that are important to me and my boyfriend shares all of them besides this one. I've had boyfriends in the past who also abstain from alcohol but by no means were a good fit for me. I don't want to do anything in haste and I'm still praying and seeking the Lord on what my next move should be. Thank you

 

[Cece_lee16]

Hi everyone!

I just wanted to let you all know that a month after this post I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend. Now being a few months out of the relationship, I know in the deepest part of my soul that it was the right choice. After lots of prayer and hours and hours of conversation with him regarding the drinking topic, I realized the drinking issue was only a surface issue and the real problems were rooted much deeper. A lot of things came to the surface during our discussions that were upsetting and that totally caught me off guard. If I wouldn't have had the courage to bring up the drinking thing, I never would have known about the other issues. Or, I would have found out a few months into being married. I just wanted to thank you all because I know the Lord used your words to give me the push I needed to start the conversation. You also gave me permission to be truthful with myself regarding how I really felt about the whole situation. Im grateful to all of you and feel so thankful for your honesty and the christian community we have access to. The Lord has been so good to me through this process and I just wanted you all to know you played a crucial role!

Love,
CC

 

[Cece_lee16]

Hi everyone!

I just wanted to let you all know that a month after this post I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend. Now being a few months out of the relationship, I know in the deepest part of my soul that it was the right choice. After lots of prayer and hours and hours of conversation with him regarding the drinking topic, I realized the drinking issue was only a surface issue and the real problems were rooted much deeper. A lot of things came to the surface during our discussions that were upsetting and that totally caught me off guard. If I wouldn't have had the courage to bring up the drinking thing, I never would have known about the other issues. Or, I would have found out a few months into being married. I just wanted to thank you all because I know the Lord used your words to give me the push I needed to start the conversation. You also gave me permission to be truthful with myself regarding how I really felt about the whole situation. Im grateful to all of you and feel so thankful for your honesty and the christian community we have access to. The Lord has been so good to me through this process and I just wanted you all to know you played a crucial role!

Love,
CC

 

[Cece_lee16]

No problem. I wish all the best for you.

Trust your intuition.

Hi everyone!
I just wanted to let you all know that a month after this post I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend. Now being a few months out of the relationship, I know in the deepest part of my soul that it was the right choice. After lots of prayer and hours and hours of conversation with him regarding the drinking topic, I realized the drinking issue was only a surface issue and the real problems were rooted much deeper. A lot of things came to the surface during our discussions that were upsetting and that totally caught me off guard. If I wouldn't have had the courage to bring up the drinking thing, I never would have known about the other issues. Or, I would have found out a few months into being married. I just wanted to thank you all because I know the Lord used your words to give me the push I needed to start the conversation. You also gave me permission to be truthful with myself regarding how I really felt about the whole situation. Im grateful to all of you and feel so thankful for your honesty and the christian community we have access to. The Lord has been so good to me through this process and I just wanted you all to know you played a crucial role!

Love,
CC

 

[Cece_lee16]

I have a feeling that Cece is a bit like myself, I came under conviction of the Holy Spirit over alcohol, it's absolutely wrong for my life and I gave the reasons why in my other post. Those things are what the HS pointed out to me and they have stuck. I'm a little different in one sense, I can't stand the sight of the stuff personally and absolutely as well consider it a tool of the devil himself.. I've just seen too much destruction. Pubs are full of functioning alcoholics destroying their lives and generally little to no consideration of what God wants for them.. Now that said, my wife has a glass of wine on a special dinner out and I have no problem with that. The only wine kept in our house is for cooking, those little bottles of cooking sherry and such.

The wine Jesus drank is not the wine of today. Today's wine would be considered strong drink, and we are told to not touch strong drink. Now there will be arguments for alcohol within Christianity but they are unfounded in scripture. It's more about social acceptance than scripture.

Hi everyone!
I just wanted to let you all know that a month after this post I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend. Now being a few months out of the relationship, I know in the deepest part of my soul that it was the right choice. After lots of prayer and hours and hours of conversation with him regarding the drinking topic, I realized the drinking issue was only a surface issue and the real problems were rooted much deeper. A lot of things came to the surface during our discussions that were upsetting and that totally caught me off guard. If I wouldn't have had the courage to bring up the drinking thing, I never would have known about the other issues. Or, I would have found out a few months into being married. I just wanted to thank you all because I know the Lord used your words to give me the push I needed to start the conversation. You also gave me permission to be truthful with myself regarding how I really felt about the whole situation. Im grateful to all of you and feel so thankful for your honesty and the christian community we have access to. The Lord has been so good to me through this process and I just wanted you all to know you played a crucial role!

Love,
CC

 

[Cece_lee16]

Hello Cece_lee16, welcome to Christian Forums. I admire your convictions. If you're convinced in the Holy Spirit that your boyfriend doesn't share your values (not drinking, etc.) then it's best to move on. You can still love him as your brother in Christ. Hope that helps. God bless [/QUOTE]


Hi everyone!
I just wanted to let you all know that a month after this post I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend. Now being a few months out of the relationship, I know in the deepest part of my soul that it was the right choice. After lots of prayer and hours and hours of conversation with him regarding the drinking topic, I realized the drinking issue was only a surface issue and the real problems were rooted much deeper. A lot of things came to the surface during our discussions that were upsetting and that totally caught me off guard. If I wouldn't have had the courage to bring up the drinking thing, I never would have known about the other issues. Or, I would have found out a few months into being married. I just wanted to thank you all because I know the Lord used your words to give me the push I needed to start the conversation. You also gave me permission to be truthful with myself regarding how I really felt about the whole situation. Im grateful to all of you and feel so thankful for your honesty and the christian community we have access to. The Lord has been so good to me through this process and I just wanted you all to know you played a crucial role!

Love,
CC

 

[Cece_lee16]

I too think that this is a mismatch which could lead to disaster. Romans tells us that to go against our conscience is a sin. Your conscience is telling you not to drink at all (I'm the same way), and before the two of you get any more serious with each other he either needs to cut the cord completely or you need to split up and find someone more compatible with who you are. You don't like his drinking (I wouldn't either), and if he sneaks drinks secretly that's probably worse and might lead to alcoholism. Time to make the difficult decision and have that hard talk with him. Good luck.

Hi everyone!
I just wanted to let you all know that a month after this post I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend. Now being a few months out of the relationship, I know in the deepest part of my soul that it was the right choice. After lots of prayer and hours and hours of conversation with him regarding the drinking topic, I realized the drinking issue was only a surface issue and the real problems were rooted much deeper. A lot of things came to the surface during our discussions that were upsetting and that totally caught me off guard. If I wouldn't have had the courage to bring up the drinking thing, I never would have known about the other issues. Or, I would have found out a few months into being married. I just wanted to thank you all because I know the Lord used your words to give me the push I needed to start the conversation. You also gave me permission to be truthful with myself regarding how I really felt about the whole situation. Im grateful to all of you and feel so thankful for your honesty and the christian community we have access to. The Lord has been so good to me through this process and I just wanted you all to know you played a crucial role!

Love,
CC

 

[Janice Orbi]

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I totally see what you're saying and I have definitely considered the fact that maybe I'm just being selfish. I know that there is a give-and-take in relationships and that sometimes a compromise is necessary. I would never try and force my convictions on to somebody else. I've honestly been trying to ignore my own convictions in order to be open minded. I've also felt like if I really love him then it's OK for me to compromise on something that is important to me. However, the issue is I haven't had a peace about the situation and I've been ignoring it up until now where it's become much too difficult to turn a blind eye to. I actually talked to him this morning and he apologized for not sticking to what he told me. When we first started dating and I told him I didn't want to date someone that drank and he told me he wouldn't drink and it wouldn't be a problem for him. He truly does only drink occasionally but it's hard because he knew how I felt from the beginning and didn't stick with it. Thank you for letting me process this with you and I appreciate your response.

No you are not being selfish, you have conviction don't give into it don't settle with what you feel about it. I know I did and regret it so much a life of problems for giving into allowing boyfriend then husband to drink. Let the boyfriend go, it is not like you are judging him for drinking it is just your conviction about drinking you need to be with someone evenly yoked. God Bless you

 

[Janice Orbi]

Hi everyone!

I just wanted to let you all know that a month after this post I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend. Now being a few months out of the relationship, I know in the deepest part of my soul that it was the right choice. After lots of prayer and hours and hours of conversation with him regarding the drinking topic, I realized the drinking issue was only a surface issue and the real problems were rooted much deeper. A lot of things came to the surface during our discussions that were upsetting and that totally caught me off guard. If I wouldn't have had the courage to bring up the drinking thing, I never would have known about the other issues. Or, I would have found out a few months into being married. I just wanted to thank you all because I know the Lord used your words to give me the push I needed to start the conversation. You also gave me permission to be truthful with myself regarding how I really felt about the whole situation. Im grateful to all of you and feel so thankful for your honesty and the christian community we have access to. The Lord has been so good to me through this process and I just wanted you all to know you played a crucial role!

Love,
CC

I pray God continues to bless you, you are an amazing young woman keep the faith follow the Lord. God Bless