Moving Forward

[FallenAndBack93]

Hi.

I have schizophrenia, but today I want to talk about depression.

I am twenty six years old with no skills, no money, no understanding of how to take care of myself (cooking, changing a tire, making repairs etc), no close friends, no hope of finding marriage. My head is loaded with foul memories of my childhood, my parentage, my school life, and my chaotic relationship history. I was actually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder until my psychosis became much more pronounced.

So. Really not thinking the best of life, or of myself. I have recurring thoughts of suicide. I think about it involuntarily at least once a day. I'm not threatening to do it, I haven't got the guts to do so anyway.

I want a reason to keep on living. I want to experience the joy. The only time I ever did was when I was stoned or drunk out of my mind, but I don't do that anymore.

I am really wondering about things like my calling and God's purpose for me. It's so hard to see how someone in my position could be of use to God. God used to answer my prayers but one day He just stopped answering. I know why and I am working on it. But still, there's nothing scarier than God going silent to you.

I want to be like the guy in the Parable of the Talents who gathered ten talents, not the guy who hid his talents. I want a wife. I want a reliable car that lasts for years. I want to find a hobby that brings me joy but chronic boredom makes that difficult. I want to be free of worry. It all seems so far out of reach.

I am SICK of being a prisoner of my own mind. Just don't want to feel anything anymore. Not even sure why I am posting but if you made it to the end thank you for listening to me complain. I hope those of you who feel similarly find your way out of this feeling in due time.

 

[createdtoworship]

I have been diagnosed with skitsoeffective disorder, for over ten years. The Lord has healed me through medication managment and through counseling and through prayer. I can't say he will always heal everybody like He did to me. But I can attest to you that it is possible to recover from these types of things. God can do anything. The Bible says "if you have faith as a mustard seed, you can say to these mountains be removed and they will be tossed into the sea." That is a solid Biblical truth. I can only say for you to keep taking your medicine, if it doesn't work, try another, if that doesn't work, try another. Keep going, keep fighting. My doctor signed me up for permanent disability through social security. But I was healed and I got a job, for a few years I worked as I was slowly healed. I did get fired from two jobs. But I worked for a year at each job, as the Lord healed me in His time. It does not happen overnight. But the Lord says....

For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.
Psalm 30:5 nkjv

 

[FallenAndBack93]

I have been diagnosed with skitsoeffective disorder, for over ten years. The Lord has healed me through medication managment and through counseling and through prayer. I can't say he will always heal everybody like He did to me. But I can attest to you that it is possible to recover from these types of things. God can do anything. The Bible says "if you have faith as a mustard seed, you can say to these mountains be removed and they will be tossed into the sea." That is a solid Biblical truth. I can only say for you to keep taking your medicine, if it doesn't work, try another, if that doesn't work, try another. Keep going, keep fighting. My doctor signed me up for permanent disability through social security. But I was healed and I got a job, for a few years I worked as I was slowly healed. I did get fired from two jobs. But I worked for a year at each job, as the Lord healed me in His time. It does not happen overnight. But the Lord says....

For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.
Psalm 30:5 nkjv

That psalm is so comforting, I need to read all of Psalms. Did you find your calling from Him?

 

[createdtoworship]

That psalm is so comforting, I need to read all of Psalms. Did you find your calling from Him?

I still don't know my full calling. I have noticed since my healing that I am not good at one thing, I sort of have many talents. So my giftings are wide spread. I went to bible college, I play guitar and sang worship, I taught evangelism four years at a mega church, I wrote an evangelism manual. I two or three different websites, I debate in the apologetics threads, I wanted to write a book on apologetics, but realized I had too much ADD to sit still and actually write more than a few pages of it. I have all these ideas for patents, I even have an ideas for businesses. I do stock trading, and help train others how to do it. I have ideas for ministries all the time. So to be honest I have no clue what my calling is. I know it's to work, and to be a daddy and a husband. That is my primary ministry. You can win at church and work but if you fail at home, you still fail. But I really have absolutely no clue where God wants me in life. I do know one thing. I feel he healed me so that I would pray. Since I started praying a year and a a half ago I have conquered at least five addictions in a row. I started interceding about five years ago, and I instantly withing six months overcame a inappropriate contentography addiction, then this year it was some other stuff, just as addictive. I can't express how grateful I am to be free from all that. I sit in worship in church sometimes and I just convulsively weep, I can't help it. I love the Lord so much.

I used to think freedom was found in being able to do and be whatever I want.

I now realize freedom is found in God keeping me from what I want so that I can be who He wants.

Your will God.
Not mine.

 

[createdtoworship]

That psalm is so comforting, I need to read all of Psalms. Did you find your calling from Him?

I don't think I mentioned what was really on my heart. Before I would say that the healing was the most important thing to me. Being free from the voices. But that is not the greatest miracle in my life. The greatest miracle started when I became free from life long addiction in Jesus name. This reminds me of a verse it says something like this.....well let me quote the passage to you...

Mathew chapter 9....verse 1 through 6...
'So He got into a boat, crossed over, and came to His own city. Then behold, they brought to Him a paralytic lying on a bed. When Jesus saw their faith, He said to the paralytic, “Son, be of good cheer; your sins are forgiven you. And at once some of the scribes said within themselves, “This Man blasphemes! But Jesus, knowing their thoughts, said, “Why do you think evil in your hearts? “For which is easier, to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven you,’ or to say, ‘Arise and walk’? “But that you may know that the Son of Man has power on earth to forgive sins”—then He said to the paralytic, “Arise, take up your bed, and go to your house.”

See we tend to think healing is more important than anything else, yet in the revelation even satan will raise the beast from the dead. And satan can already heal people. So what is more important, healing or forgiving sin? See I thought before I was healed that that was the peak thing that God could ever do in my life. Yet forgiving my addiction and setting me free from sin was by far the greatest thing Christ could have ever done for me. Do a miracle physically is one thing, doing a miracle for our spirit is quite another. many people where healed by Christ and never came back to thank him. Luke 17. There were ten lepers healed by christ in luke 17, and only one came back to worship Christ. That is how it always is. Once we are better, we forget Him. Healing our spirit, forgiving sin is quite a different thing. We know we deserve death for our action, yet Christ forgives, and He not only removes our sin, but imputes HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS! Mercy, not getting what we deserve, and GRACE, getting what we don't deserve.

 

[Jeshu]

Hi.

I have schizophrenia, but today I want to talk about depression.

I am twenty six years old with no skills, no money, no understanding of how to take care of myself (cooking, changing a tire, making repairs etc), no close friends, no hope of finding marriage. My head is loaded with foul memories of my childhood, my parentage, my school life, and my chaotic relationship history. I was actually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder until my psychosis became much more pronounced.

So. Really not thinking the best of life, or of myself. I have recurring thoughts of suicide. I think about it involuntarily at least once a day. I'm not threatening to do it, I haven't got the guts to do so anyway.

I want a reason to keep on living. I want to experience the joy. The only time I ever did was when I was stoned or drunk out of my mind, but I don't do that anymore.

I am really wondering about things like my calling and God's purpose for me. It's so hard to see how someone in my position could be of use to God. God used to answer my prayers but one day He just stopped answering. I know why and I am working on it. But still, there's nothing scarier than God going silent to you.

I want to be like the guy in the Parable of the Talents who gathered ten talents, not the guy who hid his talents. I want a wife. I want a reliable car that lasts for years. I want to find a hobby that brings me joy but chronic boredom makes that difficult. I want to be free of worry. It all seems so far out of reach.

I am SICK of being a prisoner of my own mind. Just don't want to feel anything anymore. Not even sure why I am posting but if you made it to the end thank you for listening to me complain. I hope those of you who feel similarly find your way out of this feeling in due time.

Hi, my name is Gerry i have been diagnosed with schizo affective disorder and have been struggling with mental illness since my early teens. i would like to encourage you in The Lord. To be a reject in this world doesn't make us a reject in His Kingdom. Jesus loves you to beat your illness and find your comfort and strength in Him.

i found that learning to have faith in God's love is very useful fighting both psychoses and depression. For years i was overrun by my depression and by those pesky voices in my head. Doom and gloom they brought me day in day out.

After years of suffering rock bottom in my depression completely suicidal and ready to give up on everything i realised that Scripture was true when it says "What you sow you shall harvest". i had sown bad life into my heart by the bucket loads agreeing with my depressed mind and heeding those evil voices of doom and gloom. i had not let Scripture truths defend my reality or used it to build my truth on, i had build my reality with the lies of my mental illness and was reaping a lot of bad life because of that.

So i learned to fight the depression and the voices with God's truth. i basically devoured Scripture over the next 3 or 4 years or so. i bought music that would only sing the Scriptures to me and put those truths streaming through my living room, especially when i was depressed.

The Lord brought me much healing and i managed to climb out of my pit. For years now i visit this forum and support and pray for hurting people. i have also done volunteers work with the homeless. i find that praying for others who are hurting when you are going through a hard time yourself is very therapeutic.

It has amazed me what difference there lives in my heart now. No more fears, confusion, or terror but faith in God's love as revealed in the bible, peace and harmony even if the depression keeps on going. Luckily the voices are now medicated away this has helped enormously fighting the wicked who had taken control of my heart for so many years.

Be of good courage with the Lord in charge you can also learn to master your illness and be of blessing to someone else. Let Him guide and teach you which way you must go. Love for God, self and neighbour within your heart, hides His Voice. Let Scripture reveal Him to you.

i know one thing and that is that His loving truth has set me free.

Peace.

Feasting My Good Life.

The Wicked captivated my truth
the truth of my heart and mind
and wound me around their lies
knotted me out of my own reality
into the dungeons of torture below.

Unable to unravel their cob webs
the wicked took control of my life
and brought much pain and misery
feasting on my God given good life
at the expense of my own welfare.

Yet when Christ light lit up my night
and i saw Him on the clouds of heaven
The Wicked sprung all their traps
thinking i was as good as dead
trapped in their nasty fowler's nets.

Yet the Lion of the tribe of Judea
killed the goats great and small
and set me free from their control
and gave me back my freedom in Him
feasting good times growing New Life.

 

[sea5763]

nvm

 

[FallenAndBack93]

I don't think I mentioned what was really on my heart. Before I would say that the healing was the most important thing to me. Being free from the voices. But that is not the greatest miracle in my life. The greatest miracle started when I became free from life long addiction in Jesus name. This reminds me of a verse it says something like this.....well let me quote the passage to you...

Mathew chapter 9....verse 1 through 6...
'So He got into a boat, crossed over, and came to His own city. Then behold, they brought to Him a paralytic lying on a bed. When Jesus saw their faith, He said to the paralytic, “Son, be of good cheer; your sins are forgiven you. And at once some of the scribes said within themselves, “This Man blasphemes! But Jesus, knowing their thoughts, said, “Why do you think evil in your hearts? “For which is easier, to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven you,’ or to say, ‘Arise and walk’? “But that you may know that the Son of Man has power on earth to forgive sins”—then He said to the paralytic, “Arise, take up your bed, and go to your house.”

See we tend to think healing is more important than anything else, yet in the revelation even satan will raise the beast from the dead. And satan can already heal people. So what is more important, healing or forgiving sin? See I thought before I was healed that that was the peak thing that God could ever do in my life. Yet forgiving my addiction and setting me free from sin was by far the greatest thing Christ could have ever done for me. Do a miracle physically is one thing, doing a miracle for our spirit is quite another. many people where healed by Christ and never came back to thank him. Luke 17. There were ten lepers healed by christ in luke 17, and only one came back to worship Christ. That is how it always is. Once we are better, we forget Him. Healing our spirit, forgiving sin is quite a different thing. We know we deserve death for our action, yet Christ forgives, and He not only removes our sin, but imputes HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS! Mercy, not getting what we deserve, and GRACE, getting what we don't deserve.

Oh, rest assured I will not be doing my spiritual dealings with Satan. I used to pray to the Devil but then he showed me his true colors. He is a PSYCHOPATH. In his own league of cruel and cold. I crave very strongly to see the day Christ comes to kick his butt. I will think on your thoughtful post.

 

[FallenAndBack93]

The suicidal feelings are difficult to get past. I still get them 8 years later after diagnosis. I recommend that you stay away from all drugs, find an antipsychotic that gets rid of your positive symptoms, and see a psychologist that you trust to bring you back to reality. I did all of those things, pushed myself hard even while experiencing severe depression, and eventually got a degree and a job seven years later. God's commandments are to love Him and love your neighbor. Not be successful in the eyes of the world. If you want to help others, then go to the prayer wall and pray for the suffering people on there.

I have made progress on that front. I am no longer a consumer of illegal drugs, my drinking is now very occasional, however I have not yet managed to kick nicotine or caffeine. I am on an antipsychotic that has proven itself to be the one I need, I have not had a single psychotic break in over a year and have not had an anxiety or panic attack for several months. Caffeine will be the toughest one, I work a labor job that is very tiring and I am looking into extending my shift duration. Thank you for the thoughtful post and I will indeed visit the prayer wall.

 

[createdtoworship]

The suicidal feelings are difficult to get past. I still get them 8 years later after diagnosis. I recommend that you stay away from all drugs, find an antipsychotic that gets rid of your positive symptoms, and see a psychologist that you trust to bring you back to reality. I did all of those things, pushed myself hard even while experiencing severe depression, and eventually got a degree and a job seven years later. God's commandments are to love Him and love your neighbor. Not be successful in the eyes of the world. If you want to help others, then go to the prayer wall and pray for the suffering people on there.

I agree with most of this, serving others gets our mind off of us. And off of our circumstances. That is key. Depression is always a victim mentality. My life compared to those around me. It's about me. And how I would be better. Interceeding for others is about others, and gets our mind on the overall picture that life is not about us, but about Him, our saviour, and our saviour's body. the church.

 

[sea5763]

nvm

 

[Tempura]

It's so hard to see how someone in my position could be of use to God.

These brothers and sisters with struggles of their own, in this thread, probably thought the same of themselves before, some even now. I believe God was using them to uplift you a bit, to show that there are people who understand, relate, and care, and also to show that He cares. You're not an exception, you can and will use the experience of your own struggles to help someone. To the world that's nothing; world goes after status. But to the person who needs someone like you, it means the world. You will meet them in your path. God will certainly take care of it and guide you even if you don't know it.

I don't think God's purpose for us is what we always think. We easily think of achievements, status, titles, something we can point at and say "I did this. I alone". We can think of some glorious mission, even. Sometimes that might be the case, and God can raise people for the job. But I think His purpose is mainly love and dependence against all circumstances, and He has always delighted in dealing with the "nothings" of the world. Jesus Christ is the greatest example. He wasn't the gold-plated hero some Jews had imagined Christ to be, He was a lowly servant. He attracted poor, simple people, even miserable people. The ones all the "good" people despised, He took in. He continues to do this.

If I think all the people who have helped me the most when I most needed it, I'm sure they don't know who they are and what they did. They were broken people, just like me. And I needed them. This will sound selfish because it is, but I needed them to be even MORE broken than I had ever been. I didn't think anyone else could have the compassion to deal with a failure like me without breaking me even more. Some of these people convinced me about the love of God far better than any preacher. They just treated me with simple love, and many did it in the name of God.

When we can't do anything else, we just endure. Something is being built, whether we know it or not. You are not a lost cause, no matter how much it might feel like you are. Don't trust those feelings. I don't trust mine, those fickle bastards. I know, easier said than done. Christ keep you, brother. And He will.