[Moved from Singles]A questions specificly for the women in this forum

[anewman1993]

This is going to sound harsh, but I assure you, it's just friendly advice that has helped me:

1. Move your computer into an area where it will be more public, if you live with others. If that means you have to take the door off your bedroom, do that. If you live by yourself, find a Brother in Christ you can be accountable to, and look into accountability software that will keep your Brother apprised of your Internet activity. Programs like that are free and available at XXXChurch.com.

2. If you need to and can do so, get rid of your Internet access. Forget social media, forums, and the like; just cancel the service and get rid of it. Most inappropriate content goes through the Internet.

3. Don't fall into the trap of trying to keep track of the days since you looked at inappropriate content. That will make you think more about inappropriate content, and you are more liable to crack.

4. Be wary and vigilant if joining a men's group for support. They can be a great resource, but almost every group I've joined (especially online) has at least one guy for whom the groups are a fetish. In other words, if someone approaches you in an accountability group and seems overly interested in your specifics (types of inappropriate content, frequency you look at it, whether or not you touch, etc.), tell him (as politely as possible) that you don't discuss such things with anyone except your therapist. The same goes for if he tries to tell you his specifics, even if he seems to be "pouring out his soul." Tell him you don't want to hear it, because it will be a stumbling block to you. Feel free to interrupt him, again as politely as possible. Whatever you do, don't give in to his questions, and--after the group meeting or whenever it's easiest--alert the group leader in private about the member. Do not accuse him of being a fetishist, but state what he did and why you found it suspicious. Let the leader take it from there.

5. Find a therapist or counselor, preferably one recommended by your pastor. Attend meetings with the person. Do not miss meetings for inexcusable reasons (sleeping in, not feeling like going, etc.). Essentially, unless a shark jumped out of your toilet and bit your legs off, you don't have a reason not to go.

Your significant other would be hard-pressed to accuse you of not trying if you have done these things.

ok, I'm going to preface what I'm about to say with this :these are not excuses, but some problems Ive run into.

1. I live with my parents, but do a lot of loud stuff on my computer (I record music and stuff its what I'm getting my degree in) so the door ends up shut most of the time, also everyone else in my house is also loud, and sometimes I need a damn break. Plus I don't allow the cat in my room and if the door is open he WILL come in. I hope that doesn't sound super petty. I used a blocker for a while but was able to get around it so it was pointless. I actually think working to get around it was probably making it harder to quit lol.

2. use it for school, a LOT, and public library computers suck for this stuff because I use certain types of software.

3. what i generally do is use a certain subreddit that keeps track. I put in the date I failed and walk away. then whenever it gets really hard I look at it and say "come on man, you don't want to throw away the last 10 days of work" or something

4. there really isn't anything in my area I know of.I tried a few online but the just kinda served to making me think about inappropriate content more, which made it harder to resist.

5. I don't have the money for a therapist, I went to the one on campus for a while but never talked much about inappropriate content. Honestly that just felt like a waste of my time.

I currently don't have a church home, I left my last church because they were cliquey and after several years still felt unwelcome. Ive gone to a few other churches but none that I really want to keep going to. Most don't have anyone my age at all (in college). I know I need to find one, I WANT to find one, honestly I'm just not sure how. So I don't really have a pastor to talk to.

 

[Cute Tink]

I'm not against dating someone who is into inappropriate content. inappropriate content doesn't bother me as a general thing.

However, I would be rather hesitant to date someone who is obsessed with it. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who seems to put me second to inappropriate content.

As it is, I'm not interested much in sex at all, so I have no interest in inappropriate content. Someone who is too pushy about either one is just going to push me away. I'm also up front with that with a prospective S.O. so that they are aware of my position.

I don't think anyone should just write you off because you feel you have a inappropriate content addiction, but I do suggest that you realize that it is your problem and do not blame someone for not wanting to deal with it. If you had already been in a long term relationship when inappropriate content addiction developed I would have a different perspective.

If you feel like you are addicted, then I would recommend dealing with it now so you can be a healthier person in the long term.

 

[Legal_Eagle]

I've counseled many people through my church who have been addicted to inappropriate content, as well as seen it's effect on friends and colleagues. I also approach this from a Christian perspective. Sometimes, as children, we accept the rules our parents give us, without knowing why. You cannot explain to a 4 year old why eating too much sugar is bad for them, or how eating things off the floor can be unsanitary (5 second rule excluded of course). Instead, a parent makes a rule for their own good, and the child has to trust that there is a reason for that. inappropriate content is much the same way. The Bible is pretty clear about the negative effects of lust, sinning in your heart, and obsession with things of the flesh. I won't quote Bible verses to you, but I think you get the point.

The question becomes, why would God make such rules? Is He a buzz-kill? Does he not know how enjoyable inappropriate content can be? While you may not see inappropriate content as much of a problem, God does. For me, as a child of God, I trust that rule and judgment. Now, as a human being, I of course want to know "why". Why would God tell me not to do those things. To that end, I can see the logic in God's wisdom, from the effect inappropriate content has on the people who obsess with it. Here's what I have witnessed. First, inappropriate content objectifies the people involved. It celebrates something that is mostly fantasy, and creates unreal expectations for many people who watch it. There have been countless studies that have shown erectile dysfunction with men involving their spouses, because the menial nature of their sex life at home, cannot complete with the fantasies they experience from inappropriate contentography. Second, inappropriate contentography is cheating on your spouse. As this is a Christian Forum, I know I am preaching to the choir to some. The point of sex is the sharing of a special bond with your wife. If you are lusting after someone that is not your spouse, and masturbating to those images, you are not being true to the person you are with, or the sanctity of your marriage. Just because the acts are occurring in your mind, does not make them any less real in the eyes of God or your partner. Third, inappropriate content is addictive. Over time, you will need to continue to push the bounds of what interests you to gain arousal. Like any addiction, it does not just stop when you want it to. Finally, inappropriate content is an obsession with the body and sin. It may seem harmless to you, but celebrates and supports something which is counter to the nature and path God set for us. Sometimes, even if we do not trust ourselves, we just have to trust God. Peace and out!

 

[leothelioness]

If it's occasional use I would rather remain blissfully ignorant. If it's a full on addiction I would want to know so I could either help work something out or cut my losses.

 

[SnowyMacie]

I know I'm not female, but I thought I would give my two cents because I used to be a inappropriate content addict.

Do you simply look at inappropriate contentography or are you addicted to it? Let me be more clear: Can you say "no" when you get tempted to look at it? If you answered yes to that question, you are not addicted to inappropriate contentography. I want to differentiate the two because they would require two different paths.

If you are addicted to inappropriate content: Go to a professional counselor. No excuses. A pastor is not a counselor, that doesn't count (unless they have a degree in psychology, then I guess it can). If you can't afford one, tell your pastor or someone about your situation and see if they'll help you pay. If you are addicted, the chances are that they issue is deeper than just "I like looking at it."

If you answered no, than it's really more of a habit and should be treated as a bad habit. Get a web blocker or some kind of accountability software no matter what, this is personally what I use: http://x3watch.com/ and it basically emails your "partner" all suspicious websites you've visited, as well as when you turn it off.

Also, don't expect a quick fix. I was in therapy for 2 years before I truly felt like I was broken my addiction.

 

[leothelioness]

I know I'm not female, but I thought I would give my two cents because I used to be a inappropriate content addict.

Do you simply look at inappropriate contentography or are you addicted to it? Let me be more clear: Can you say "no" when you get tempted to look at it? If you answered yes to that question, you are not addicted to inappropriate contentography. I want to differentiate the two because they would require two different paths.

If you are addicted to inappropriate content: Go to a professional counselor. No excuses. A pastor is not a counselor, that doesn't count (unless they have a degree in psychology, then I guess it can). If you can't afford one, tell your pastor or someone about your situation and see if they'll help you pay. If you are addicted, the chances are that they issue is deeper than just "I like looking at it."

If you answered no, than it's really more of a habit and should be treated as a bad habit. Get a web blocker or some kind of accountability software no matter what, this is personally what I use: and it basically emails your "partner" all suspicious websites you've visted, as well as when they turn it off.

Also, don't expect a quick fix. I was in therapy for 2 years before I truly felt like I was broken my addiction.

Excellent advice. OP, you should take this into account.

 

[Waddler]

I know I'm not female, but I thought I would give my two cents because I used to be a inappropriate content addict.

Do you simply look at inappropriate contentography or are you addicted to it? Let me be more clear: Can you say "no" when you get tempted to look at it? If you answered yes to that question, you are not addicted to inappropriate contentography. I want to differentiate the two because they would require two different paths.

If you are addicted to inappropriate content: Go to a professional counselor. No excuses. A pastor is not a counselor, that doesn't count (unless they have a degree in psychology, then I guess it can). If you can't afford one, tell your pastor or someone about your situation and see if they'll help you pay. If you are addicted, the chances are that they issue is deeper than just "I like looking at it."

If you answered no, than it's really more of a habit and should be treated as a bad habit. Get a web blocker or some kind of accountability software no matter what, this is personally what I use: and it basically emails your "partner" all suspicious websites you've visted, as well as when they turn it off.

Also, don't expect a quick fix. I was in therapy for 2 years before I truly felt like I was broken my addiction.

This is an important distinction. I was nearly destroyed by an addiction, because I could not say "no" to temptation. Like Matt, it was a process of several years before I felt I could say I had broken the addiction. It was several months after that to break the habit. A habit is not nearly as destructive as an addiction.

 

[AztecSDSU]

This probably isn't going to be a popular opinion, but 99% of what Christians call "inappropriate content addiction" is just normal, natural, and healthy male sex drive. Back in the day before the internet, or when dial up speeds made downloading video unreasonable, if you wanted inappropriate content you pretty much had to go to some shop in the seedy part of town. Most people weren't especially inclined to do that. Now you don't, so instead of a Victoria's Secret catalog (or whatever else hands could be laid on) people look at inappropriate content. You're not a inappropriate content addict anymore than a hungry person liking to look at food is a food addict.

 

[leothelioness]

This probably isn't going to be a popular opinion, but 99% of what Christians call "inappropriate content addiction" is just normal, natural, and healthy male sex drive. Back in the day before the internet, or when dial up speeds made downloading video unreasonable, if you wanted inappropriate content you pretty much had to go to some shop in the seedy part of town. Most people weren't especially inclined to do that. Now you don't, so instead of a Victoria's Secret catalog (or whatever else hands could be laid on) people look at inappropriate content. You're not a inappropriate content addict anymore than a hungry person liking to look at food is a food addict.

Like Matt said, if it gets to the point where you can't say no, then you have a problem. Addiction takes over every facet of your life and if that's what inappropriate content is doing to the OP - which it sounds like it is - then it is an addiction.

 

[Clone93]

This probably isn't going to be a popular opinion, but 99% of what Christians call "inappropriate content addiction" is just normal, natural, and healthy male sex drive. Back in the day before the internet, or when dial up speeds made downloading video unreasonable, if you wanted inappropriate content you pretty much had to go to some shop in the seedy part of town. Most people weren't especially inclined to do that. Now you don't, so instead of a Victoria's Secret catalog (or whatever else hands could be laid on) people look at inappropriate content. You're not a inappropriate content addict anymore than a hungry person liking to look at food is a food addict.

A healthy male sex drive would also drive a good many of us to have sex before marriage, sleep with multiple women, for some to sleep with men. etc... Just because we're born with the inclination to do wrong (and inappropriate content is wrong) doesn't mean we should just accept it as a part of us, we should war against it because Christ is worth the struggle. With that said, while inappropriate content is no longer an issue I fail at, I also struggle against an inclination to sin and fail far more than I'd like to admit. But sin is sin and we can't ever be comfortable in it.

 

[Shattered-Reflections]

haha Its easy to be open and honest online, where no on knows me.

So, Ive got a questions, or scenario for you. Take me for example, you say you would ask them not to view inappropriate content anymore if you want to continue the relationship, but in an position like mine that isn't going to change how I behave at all, I'm already fighting the temptation as much as I can, I literally "struggle" with it. How would you feel in that senario, because as much as I want to say "ill never look at inappropriate content again", heck, as much as I WANT it to be true, the chances of it actually being true are pretty slim, and from the outside looking it, it could very well look like I'm not trying at all.

Being willing to talk about it can be tough though, especially when you can't imagine change.

Not going forward with the relationship isn't a gimmick or discipline to make him quit. Because I know gimmicks won't work or that I can change him. Not going forward until it has been address is because I wont make room for it in marriage and because I know people, men included, can overcome it.

If you are only fighting temptation and only using tools then I am not surprise you haven't gotten pass it because sexual addiction has been compared to hard drugs (from non religious sources). Sometimes people can break away with sheer will power or gimmicks, but if you can't you have to replace an addiction with something better and more beautiful. But that's not marital sex or marriage, because sin and addiction is deeper than the substance being abused and the void is more profound than earthly things can fill. Something is messed up and empty in your life and you need to understand yourself and moreover there's a endless depth, a profoundness, a fulfillment, and a beauty in God that the more you know the more things of the world "grow strangely dim". So when people recommend counseling or talking with patios that's why. Addiction isn't just the physical, it's deeper. This is not to say it's an easy or simple matter that can be resolved like it was never there. This is something that can take years to sort out and quit completely. As someone once told me, the addiction/temptation will always be there, but there is also healing and a newness of life.

Newman, you asked how would I feel if in the same situation as if I were cruel or to appeal me to be compassionate. You assume I haven't stood there. I would not ask someone to give up something that hard, if I had not myself. I am not being cruel -- I am asking people to experience a greater depth and freedom in life. That is why I stand by that choice. I don't demand everyone to follow this same path, but if someone wants to be in a life long relationship with me he needs to be on the same track.

 

[SnowyMacie]

This probably isn't going to be a popular opinion, but 99% of what Christians call "inappropriate content addiction" is just normal, natural, and healthy male sex drive. Back in the day before the internet, or when dial up speeds made downloading video unreasonable, if you wanted inappropriate content you pretty much had to go to some shop in the seedy part of town. Most people weren't especially inclined to do that. Now you don't, so instead of a Victoria's Secret catalog (or whatever else hands could be laid on) people look at inappropriate content. You're not a inappropriate content addict anymore than a hungry person liking to look at food is a food addict.

I do agree that there are definitely people out there with "inappropriate content addiction" that aren't really addicted to inappropriate content.

But...

Just because we're born with the inclination to do wrong (and inappropriate content is wrong) doesn't mean we should just accept it as a part of us,.

 

[SnowyMacie]

A healthy male sex drive would also drive a good many of us to have sex before marriage, sleep with multiple women, for some to sleep with men. etc... Just because we're born with the inclination to do wrong (and inappropriate content is wrong) doesn't mean we should just accept it as a part of us, we should war against it because Christ is worth the struggle. With that said, while inappropriate content is no longer an issue I fail at, I also struggle against an inclination to sin and fail far more than I'd like to admit. But sin is sin and we can't ever be comfortable in it.

I think what he's trying to say is that there are a lot of Christians out there who say they're "inappropriate content addicts" that aren't actually addicted to inappropriate content. If someone came to me and said "I'm struggling with a inappropriate content addiction" and I asked how often they looked at inappropriate content, and they respond "Well, I usually can resist the urge, I still stumble a couple times a week." That's not an addiction, that's just a struggle.

 

[Miles]

I'm not a inappropriate content addict, or any kind of addict for that matter, but I do think some Christians are overly concerned with this subject. To the point that it strikes me as unhealthy and sex-negative, if not controlling. This isn't the kind of culture I'd want to foster in my marriage. Where's the intimacy when you're afraid to openly discuss things? If either one of us were to develop an addiction, sexual or otherwise, I'd like to keep the lines of communication open. Besides, in my experience, when you're coerced to not do something it can be even more difficult to avoid.

 

[anewman1993]

I know I'm not female, but I thought I would give my two cents because I used to be a inappropriate content addict.

Do you simply look at inappropriate contentography or are you addicted to it? Let me be more clear: Can you say "no" when you get tempted to look at it? If you answered yes to that question, you are not addicted to inappropriate contentography. I want to differentiate the two because they would require two different paths.

If you are addicted to inappropriate content: Go to a professional counselor. No excuses. A pastor is not a counselor, that doesn't count (unless they have a degree in psychology, then I guess it can). If you can't afford one, tell your pastor or someone about your situation and see if they'll help you pay. If you are addicted, the chances are that they issue is deeper than just "I like looking at it."

If you answered no, than it's really more of a habit and should be treated as a bad habit. Get a web blocker or some kind of accountability software no matter what, this is personally what I use:*I can't link to things in a quote* and it basically emails your "partner" all suspicious websites you've visited, as well as when you turn it off.

Also, don't expect a quick fix. I was in therapy for 2 years before I truly felt like I was broken my addiction.

But how do you tell the difference between a legit addiction and just struggling? I ask because there seems to me I have both times where I "struggle" with it, and times where I can't say no, but even in those where I "can't say no" I wonder if I have the power to, and choose not to. Its a deep subject. The longest Ive ever went without looking was 18 days. There was a period of time where I was going maybe 2 weeks between looking on average, but honestly, I just ran out of energy. Its tiring to be on your guard 24/7. I know that sounds like a horrible excuse but thats just how it felt. There was one point where I would watch anywhere from 1-7 hours of inappropriate content a DAY. That pretty much screams addiction, and now I generally watch it once or twice a week. Though I try my hardest not to. I don't have many friends, and when I'm stuck bored, well, my mind goes there a lot of time, its not something I'm proud of, I"m extremely ashamed. Honestly, I WISH i had someone to talk to about it, but I don't, I have no close christian friends and no church home with a pastor I can talk to. The churches Ive visited in my area have not been a good fit at all, a few are extremely cliquey, and the others have no one remotely my age. Most who are in there 20's are married with kids. I'm extremely frustrated, and feel horrible about the sin in my life. Ive not had a girlfriend ever, which is probably feeding into the loneliness. Bottom line, I'm frustrated and don't know what to do.

 

[SnowyMacie]

But how do you tell the difference between a legit addiction and just struggling? I ask because there seems to me I have both times where I "struggle" with it, and times where I can't say no, but even in those where I "can't say no" I wonder if I have the power to, and choose not to. Its a deep subject. The longest Ive ever went without looking was 18 days. There was a period of time where I was going maybe 2 weeks between looking on average, but honestly, I just ran out of energy. Its tiring to be on your guard 24/7. I know that sounds like a horrible excuse but thats just how it felt. There was one point where I would watch anywhere from 1-7 hours of inappropriate content a DAY. That pretty much screams addiction, and now I generally watch it once or twice a week. Though I try my hardest not to. I don't have many friends, and when I'm stuck bored, well, my mind goes there a lot of time, its not something I'm proud of, I"m extremely ashamed. Honestly, I WISH i had someone to talk to about it, but I don't, I have no close christian friends and no church home with a pastor I can talk to. The churches Ive visited in my area have not been a good fit at all, a few are extremely cliquey, and the others have no one remotely my age. Most who are in there 20's are married with kids. I'm extremely frustrated, and feel horrible about the sin in my life. Ive not had a girlfriend ever, which is probably feeding into the loneliness. Bottom line, I'm frustrated and don't know what to do.

I guess it really comes down to this: Regardless of how often you watch it, do you feel like you are control? Don't immediately answer that, think about it.

Let me also ask you this: What's different about the times where you were watching hours of inappropriate content a day, the times where you watch it maybe once or twice a week, and the times where you've gone weeks without it?

 

[AztecSDSU]

Like Matt said, if it gets to the point where you can't say no, then you have a problem. Addiction takes over every facet of your life and if that's what inappropriate content is doing to the OP - which it sounds like it is - then it is an addiction.

Addiction can be defined as a compulsive behavior, but that has to be within the scope of things that a person does not have a natural compulsion to do. Gambling, snorting coke, drinking booze, these things could all be called addictions at the compulsion stage because they aren't normal parts of human psychological and physical development. On the other hand (no pun intended) sex is a perfectly normal and healthy compulsion. Maybe it's different from a guy's perspective, but to me it just sounds like a dude with no girlfriend that takes care of what needs taken care of and then beats himself up about later. 99% of people are self abusers, the other 1% are in denial.

 

[AztecSDSU]

A healthy male sex drive would also drive a good many of us to have sex before marriage, sleep with multiple women, for some to sleep with men. etc... Just because we're born with the inclination to do wrong (and inappropriate content is wrong) doesn't mean we should just accept it as a part of us, we should war against it because Christ is worth the struggle. With that said, while inappropriate content is no longer an issue I fail at, I also struggle against an inclination to sin and fail far more than I'd like to admit. But sin is sin and we can't ever be comfortable in it.

I'm not personally inclined to believe that sex rules for a society where people married during puberty can be applied to a society in which people generally cannot get married before 18. Even then do not typically get married until their mid to late 20's. Just like I'm not inclined to believe that slavery was okay just because the Bible has a tolerant relationship with due to it being a reality of the day.

 

[Clone93]

I'm not personally inclined to believe that sex rules for a society where people married during puberty can be applied to a society in which people generally cannot get married before 18. Even then do not typically get married until their mid to late 20's. Just like I'm not inclined to believe that slavery was okay just because the Bible has a tolerant relationship with due to it being a reality of the day.

Then reject the Bible, reject God and live however you want to live.

 

[SnowyMacie]

Addiction can be defined as a compulsive behavior, but that has to be within the scope of things that a person does not have a natural compulsion to do. Gambling, snorting coke, drinking booze, these things could all be called addictions at the compulsion stage because they aren't normal parts of human psychological and physical development. On the other hand (no pun intended) sex is a perfectly normal and healthy compulsion. Maybe it's different from a guy's perspective, but to me it just sounds like a dude with no girlfriend that takes care of what needs taken care of and then beats himself up about later. 99% of people are self abusers, the other 1% are in denial.

People's sex drives are just like anything else: occasionally, stuff goes wrong and causes problems. No one, to my knowledge, is saying that a person's sexual drive, in of itself, is bad, but what comes out of it is bad.

Is sexual addiction technically considered a real addiction like gambling, drugs, etc. according to the DSM? No.
Do people lose control of their sexual urges and damage their lives? Yes.