mother of five pregnant and thinking of separation from husband

[sidelia]

For five long years my husband has been on and off of drugs, and it is abuse on my mental state of mine, all his coming downs that come with verbal abuse. We didn't start out this way, we got baptized together went to church, but somewhere down the road he got lost in his past. I'm heart broken because marriage is suppose to be forever, but im carrying all the weight and i can't anymore. Any advise?

 

[1watchman]

Be sure to let him know all this (maybe in a good letter), and make it clear any effort for reconciliation must include more than just good intentions. You both need to put real effort into it, pray together every night and read a chapter together in the Bible, and work at helping each one be all they can be, though don't press for perfection.

 

[sidelia]

Thank you, i will see if i can try and talk with him

 

[mikenet2006]

How bad is the verbal abuse, and is it something you think he wants to work on?

 

[sidelia]

Its pretty constant and for reasons that i do not understand, at tge same time i no that he is on and off drugs and when he doesnt havebit is when becomes agresive and grouchy, i seen this with my own mother when i was a kid when she was using drugs....he says he's willing to work on it, but he never does..

 

[mikenet2006]

Here's an idea, and it's just my advice but I do know about addiction. One of the things that made the addiction linger in my relationship is that we never addressed it directly and never set goals. It was in the background, I said it bothers me and she said it bothers her a bit but it was never something we decided to tackle. The closest we came to making a plan was for if we moved in together I would do whatever it takes, but for me it didn't come soon enough.

Perhaps you can go to him and say.... This is hurting our marriage, this is hurting you, we need to start with something concrete. Much like you told me "don't try, do"

It probably wont be solved over night and he'll probably slip but just let him know your there for him. Beat it together, I never had the chance and it helps so much to have one person you love to support you. He has to want to change and admit it's a problem though.

Have you tried or thought about a 12 step program?

 

[arabianhorselover]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It must be so hard for you. Do you have any family support?

 

[sidelia]

Mike, we do discus his addiction head on and he does a whole lot of talking with no actions, i think he gets scared that i will leave him. I have been very supportive but he keeps getting back on the drugs.

 

[I Eat Pie]

I feel bad for the kids... Hope you won't let this problem affect them negatively...

Praying for you

 

[mikenet2006]

Mike, we do discus his addiction head on and he does a whole lot of talking with no actions, i think he gets scared that i will leave him. I have been very supportive but he keeps getting back on the drugs.

It sound to me like your doing everything you can. Outside help is another idea if he'll go for it, taking on to much yourself can be draining. He has to be willing to help himself when it comes down to it.

 

[sidelia]

The kids don't really know to much, since i try to make sure they are completely uniware, sometimes i get angry about it his addiction but we never say much in front of them, its just hard at times to contain my emotions

 

[If Not For Grace]

Al-Anon is a 12-step program for the families of Alcoholics. It is a spiritually based program that believes changed attitudes can aid recovery. 1 in 4 families are affected by addiction, you are not alone. There is a section on CF and you are very welcome to join us in the recovery threads. Your children are aware..trying to hide addiction is like trying to hide a pink elephant in the living room, if their issues are not addressed it is likely at least one will repeat the cycle. Addiction overrules logic, common sense and is progressive in nature if left untreated, just like diabetes, allergies or any other condition.

You might try a local Face to Face Newcomers meeting. You will find comfort there, whether you share or not and whether your addict enters recovery or not. What can it hurt?

 

[arabianhorselover]

Do you attend a church?

 

[sidelia]

I do but not the way that i should, but i go more than my husband.

 

[arabianhorselover]

I was thinking a church could be a source of support for you.

 

[absorbentghost]

You only devorse for Marital unfaithfulness,these things are hard ,especially pleasing God,best advise it to pray on it,go to get help and resolve the problem,think of how well you two can be for your kids when together in a clean mental state.

 

[Leigh K]

Hey, I'm a husband going through a separation myself.

I can honestly say that once my wife proposed a separation, it made me think about my marriage in a big way.

Separation is a great opportunity for your husband to improve himself.

However, please do make sure he has genuinely changed before letting him back into your life.

Even write him a list of why you are unhappy with your marriage.

My wife did and I can honestly say that it is helping me a great deal knowing why my wife is unhappy so I can address them in prayer and actually look to ensure that she knows I want to make things work.

 

[sidelia]

Thanks leigh for the avise,

 

[Wandering Cat Lady]

I believe he needs to want to change his drug habits before anything really changes. And usually when there is drug use or any other kind of substance abuse, there is a deeper underlying root issue that is causing the person to resort to such extreme measures. It's not like people wake up one day all healthy and then decide they're going to use. He needs to want to change, for his kids, for you, and for himself. Otherwise he is going to lose everything. I would recommend a 12 step program for him or checking into a program like Teen Challenge if it is in that area. However...again it will come back to his choice. You will need to get some support for yourself no matter how things pan out. Your church may have someone you can get support from, or perhaps there is someone you can get some counseling from. I know it's hard, but you deserve the support and another voice from outside your relationships. Good luck and I will be praying for you.

 

[mikenet2006]

She's right.

In my situation, for all the times I got on the ex about what she was doing wrong, and how she may have hurt us. Much of it came down to me, I had to want to change the addiction. While a big part of me did during our relationship I never stood up and did so.

I don't know if that relationship was good for us, and in my situation there were things beyond the addiction that gave us some problems, but I have to tell myself now that if I want a family, if I want what I tried for with her, I absolutely need to change.

I hope things are going well with you, addictions within a relationship or marriage are a tough thing, especially when kids are involved. The ex had a toddler.