Modesty

[jabberwo0cky]

Hey there!
I have been struggling with an issue with my boyfriend. I am a relatively new Christian so I am not skilled at determining what is modest and what is not. My choice of clothing is (in my eyes) very modest; I typically wear tshirts (no cleavage) and the shorts I wear are at least past my fingertips, if not longer. I do however have a few shirts that I would not classify as low cut, but they are lower than, say, a regular tshirt. Looking at me there is never anything showing but skin on my chest- I mean to say, throughout the day, the only way anyone would see anything is if I bent over and stayed like that.
I have changed a lot since I met my boyfriend, since he is very conservative and can't even stand the thought of another man looking at me. He is always prodding me to be more conservative in how I dress, because he wants me to be a more Godly woman. In my eyes, I think he is so wonderful for supporting me and wanting me to grow in my faith. But for some reason it really grinds my gears, too!! I just get so angry and it feels like its for no reason. Has anyone had experience with this, or have any thoughts or advice?? I need some help, I think.
I have been dating this man for a year. I am 23, he is 30. I was raised by a loving Christian father and a mother who only cares about outward appearances, and how "sexy" one looks. I feel like that is a big part of this issue. They divorced when I was 2.
Thanks! Let me know if I need to clarify any details of the situation.
-LP

 

[joey_downunder]

I think it's all a matter of balance. If you are a christian you are one of God's children i.e. a princess, a representative, a diplomat, a representative of His kingdom.

I don't want to give any rules and regulations because what is appropriate in your neck of the woods may be totally out-of-place in mine and vice versa. I live in a very hot humid climate so if I followed some very conservative websites' recommendations I would suffer from heat stroke. What clothes do the other christian women in your life wear?

Probably a few things you should keep in mind though:
If you met Jesus would you be embarressed because of what you were wearing?
If a stranger saw you in the street would they think you were very nicely dressed, very daggy (out-of-fashion/frumpy from going to the other extreme), or just like every other average (unsaved) woman?

If you can try to take a christian brother's viewpoint- can you imagine a young man getting tempted if another young woman wore the same outfit? (Of course leave out young men who lust regardless).

And the anger - it is probably from internalising our very feminist-friendly society's opinions on women's right to wear whatever we want if we want to do that.

If you can read this very conservative website thoughtfully, leave out some of its legalism and prayerfully consider what is relevant to your life, its articles on modesty may be helpful to you. LAF/Beautiful Womanhood » Femininity & Modesty It helped me undo a lot of my excessively feminist mindset before I had my two boys.

 

[1watchman]

There are dangers of extremes, so certainly a woman should not show off her body unless she wants advances by men or unwanted stares. A Christian should not try to attract attention to their body, but to their personality. Honoring the Lord is paramount.

Considering the boyfriend, one needs to be sure he is not a controlling person who would strongly manage every aspect of your life after marriage. Get some opinions from trusted friends who know the man. Talk to your pastor about this person.

 

[Johnnz]

I came across this some time ago. There is an unease about human sexuality around that spills over into topics such as this. This is an issue often debated on the Forum.

"The traditional perception of modesty - by the "moral majority" - is that modesty is about clothing. There is a general assumption that modesty may be achieved by covering certain parts of the body. The more the body that is covered, the more modest the clothing. Standards may vary from place to place and person to person as to how much needs to be covered, but the most common perception in regard to modesty follows this pattern. More specifically, the Church teaches that we should not wear clothing that is likely to incite lust. This is important, and very correct. Unfortunately, it is frequently misinterpreted to mean that uncovering the body will naturally result in lust. People often assume that our bodies are inherently lustful in nature. They compulsively cover up under all circumstances - and then are mollified about their own modesty. But, this is simply a cop-out.​

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By doing this, our bodies are esteemed as inherently shameful. Regardless of righteousness and innocence, the uncovered body is thought to be in some way impure or unworthy. This ultimately denies the intrinsic goodness of the body's creation.
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Rather than inherent shame, there is inherent goodness in our bodies - and clothing neither adds to nor takes away from that goodness. When used in righteousness and in doing good, our bodies glorify our Father. When used inappropriately and for evil intent, therein lies the shame. In either case, it's the righteousness or the evil that determines our joy or our shame - our body is only an accessory or a tool to performing our actions. Herein lies the most important aspect of modesty - that of behaviour.​

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Modesty is a spiritual state of mind that is manifest in how we comport ourselves. It is an attitude that comes from within us - internalized before it is ever made external. If what we feel on the inside is modesty and purity, then that will show on the outside as well - by virtue of our actions and our demeanour. It may also be manifest in what we wear - but this is a far more subjective type of communication. Clothing is highly dependent on context and strongly influenced by cultural and other biases.

When we are truly modest, we are also humble. We do not glorify ourselves or try to appear better than others. We esteem others as ourselves. On the surface, this appears hard to do in our modern society. Everyone is judged by what they wear, where they live, what they drive, etc. A person's social and economic status is readily apparent in how they dress. Removing that status is no easy thing."
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We really must be careful that we don't find ourselves in some essentially gnostic position, where our bodies are deemed as opposed to true spirituality. Attractiveness is to be celebrated, not seen as 'the devil's tool'. That denies our image bearing design.
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John​

NZ
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[LovedSparrow]

This is a tough issue, but I'm glad it's being addressed. Imo, try to ask and do what your bf is saying in regards to if it is too tight or not. Things I didn't realize were immodest were in my husband's eyes.

Men's struggles are unknown to a lot of women. A man in my life struggles with it, and it is VERY easy to be a cause of lust. Especially in the summer and at the gym for him. If your shirt is skin-tight, (shows your figure), if you have tight jeans on, and it sounds like your skirt may not be long enough, if you're the same arm length as me, that's your upper thigh. I'm afraid it may not be long enough. I would say get his opinion.

I would error on the side of being 'over modest' than wondering. Some men struggle highly with lust even if they are Christians. It's like the equivalent of women struggling with sugar/chocolate.

A good book, I highly highly recommend, is Every Man's Battle. It will give you straightfoward facts about how much men may struggle. It's a daily battle for them. TV, billboards, immodest women, magazine covers. It is everywhere! A lot of women do not realize this. I sure didn't!

Every Man's Battle by Steve Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, Mike Yorkey.
Christianbook.com: Every Man's Battle with Workbook: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time: Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, Mike Yorkey: 9780307457974

 

[JCFantasy23]

It sounds like you are trying to be modest, which is good. It also sounds to me like you already are. There is nothing wrong with T-shirts and shorts. I am more concerned if your boyfriend is being controlling of your clothes to this much of a degree? I could be reading your post wrong though. Big hugs to you friend.

 

[jabberwo0cky]

Thank you all for your replies. I don't think he is controlling, I believe he just doesn't want other men looking down my shirt! He also brought up the topic of "tempting our brother." He is truly a wonderful man and only wants to encourage me to grow in God. I have spent some time in prayer and have read some articles from LAF, and I feel as though my heart has been changed a little. A couple of days ago I got rid of everything that could be considered too risky, and am planning a goodwill shopping trip! Thanks for all your advice!!

 

[LovedSparrow]

Thank you all for your replies. I don't think he is controlling, I believe he just doesn't want other men looking down my shirt! He also brought up the topic of "tempting our brother." He is truly a wonderful man and only wants to encourage me to grow in God. I have spent some time in prayer and have read some articles from LAF, and I feel as though my heart has been changed a little. A couple of days ago I got rid of everything that could be considered too risky, and am planning a goodwill shopping trip! Thanks for all your advice!!

Great job!! I don't know your boyfriend at all, but I'm guessing he isn't being controlling. It is very uncomfortable for Christian men to be talking with a woman who is dressed immodest. It may tempt him to lust. It could be a stumbling block for many men, especially those who struggle with sex addiction. It doesn't take much for men or women to fall back into sex addiction.

It is not the woman's fault if the man falls sexually, it is up to him to control his eyes, but it helps a LOT to dress modestly.

It would be like for us women if every guy walking around was only wearing a speedo. (and he was attractive). Or if everything around us was made of chocolate- tempting!! I think that's how men may feel with women, especially in the summer, who dress immodestly. It's everywhere! Not to mention magazine covers, billboards, tv, commercials, cd covers, etc...

Proud of you!

 

[Mling]

Hey there!
I have been struggling with an issue with my boyfriend. I am a relatively new Christian so I am not skilled at determining what is modest and what is not. My choice of clothing is (in my eyes) very modest; I typically wear tshirts (no cleavage) and the shorts I wear are at least past my fingertips, if not longer. I do however have a few shirts that I would not classify as low cut, but they are lower than, say, a regular tshirt. Looking at me there is never anything showing but skin on my chest- I mean to say, throughout the day, the only way anyone would see anything is if I bent over and stayed like that.
I have changed a lot since I met my boyfriend, since he is very conservative and can't even stand the thought of another man looking at me. He is always prodding me to be more conservative in how I dress, because he wants me to be a more Godly woman. In my eyes, I think he is so wonderful for supporting me and wanting me to grow in my faith. But for some reason it really grinds my gears, too!! I just get so angry and it feels like its for no reason. Has anyone had experience with this, or have any thoughts or advice?? I need some help, I think.
I have been dating this man for a year. I am 23, he is 30. I was raised by a loving Christian father and a mother who only cares about outward appearances, and how "sexy" one looks. I feel like that is a big part of this issue. They divorced when I was 2.
Thanks! Let me know if I need to clarify any details of the situation.
-LP

Christians dress in all sorts of ways. So do conservatives. You should dress however you feel celebrates yourself and your body best. If you sometimes (or all the time) want to dress to please your boyfriend, that's your choice, but it's not an obligation. I'd be wary that he seems to think it's bad if other people are attracted to you, and considers it your fault if they do, though.

 

[LovedSparrow]

Christians dress in all sorts of ways. So do conservatives. You should dress however you feel celebrates yourself and your body best. If you sometimes (or all the time) want to dress to please your boyfriend, that's your choice, but it's not an obligation. I'd be wary that he seems to think it's bad if other people are attracted to you, and considers it your fault if they do, though.

I would suggest reading Every Man's Battle. It talks about the lust and sex addictions that men battle everyday. It is a hidden world to women, we don't know that it exists.

Picture every single man out there wearing a speedo and how it could tempt us to lust after them. This is how it is so for many men. They are taught to bounce their eyes away from immodest women, but it puts them in an uncomfortable spot if they can't get away from the woman that's dressing a little too sexy.

Men picture what we look like naked, and they are able to remember that visual years down the road. If what you are wearing is immodest, it makes it a whole lot worse for them. For some men, it doesn't matter what we wear, they still look at our bodies. But liken it to if you were in a room full of chocolate, everywhere, and saying, "Don't touch." Or it was a sin to think about the chocolate. Without God's help, it's impossible.

My husband struggles with going to church in the summer because of what women wear. It's more common than women realize.