Missing Pieces

[Untamed Fire]

I have a secret: I'm broken inside. There are things missing from me that exist in everyone else and no one can relate to me; my truth = their lie...

There is no such thing as "let" or "not let"
There is no such thing as "choose"
There is no such thing as conscience
I went to a party, got stoned, had sex with 9 people at once beginning with one who was the same age as my son ... and felt nothing. Nothing told me don't do this. Nothing at all.

Everything they think I do on purpose I don't. There is no deliberation.
Everything they think is "won't" is actually "can't".
No one understands.

If Satan takes me over again I am going to be lost. I'm not so sure he has not already taken me over again. I feel nothing about this. I want to feel something about it, and there's nothing there. Why?

As recently as July there was someone here who was struggling but still being with God, knowing herself as with God, and now she is gone, what is happening?

When I talk about it everything slips away into unreality. Kind of the way the inhabitants would hide so as not to be detected back in the old days.
Thank you for listening.

 

[Shalia]

((((hugs))))

This disease is so hard to live with. Are you in an OK place right now?

If you are at the point you are doing illegal drugs and sleeping w/ 9 men at a time, it is probably time to check yourself into the hospital. Do you have health insurance so you can do that? Do you have someone who can drive you?

Please don't be scared, and please take care of yourself. I don't know if you've ever been hospitalized before, but it's really not scary or bad. They just help you feel stable again. It is worth going, worth feeling whole. They let me have my Bible, let me spend my time praying, another lady that was there who was schizophrenic and I spent lots of time playing hymns on a piano and singing. That part was fun.

Please go get help and stay safe, OK?

I'll be praying for you. (((hugs)))

Shalia

 

[Untamed Fire]

This disease is so hard to live with. Are you in an OK place right now?

Thanks for your concern, Shalia. Right now I seem to be more or less "clothed and in my right mind" though I still find it puzzling that I have no depth of any sense whatsoever that what I did is wrong. I know intellectually it is, in the sense of, "this behavior is not approved of as normal or acceptable by society or by the Word of God as currently understood within the church". I would be afraid for word to get around to those I know, for others who would be hurt by what I did to find out, or for others who would be disappointed in me to know, but the thing itself is so flat and disconnected from me I feel nothing about it and that bothers me, or rather, it bothers me that I am not bothered, if that makes sense? Some of it is probably that for me -- without God, mind you -- this is (or would be) "normal life as usual". It's how I lived for years serving Satan. About the only thing that stands out to me is how bruised and sore I was the next 3 days and how I really didn't enjoy doing it, any of it. It was like going through the motions of something that used to be exhilirating and fulfilling -- things that were connected to what I used to regard as my identity, destiny, spiritual power -- but was now flat, stale, pointless, purposeless, meaningless, empty. A couple of the guys were like "WOW!" they had never had anything like that before, (I had forgotten about that First Time With the Great Wh0re Herself factor for others, which totally infects and taints and now I feel bad about that, did I put my disease upon them? Open them to demons???) but even that -- seeing how awestruck it left them and all -- did nothing for me. I felt nothing. I did not feel empowered, archetypally validated, elevated, infused, or anything else I would have felt doing those things a few years ago (before I was destroyed, long story).

So why did I do it? I have literally no idea. Sure I could analyze endlessly -- if Sodom is all you knew and you don't feel at home in Jerusalem you'll crawl back like a dog to its vomit even if nothing's there anymore but a gaping smoking crater on the moon named after a deceased rocket scientist. Maybe Satan took me over again ... maybe I felt hatred toward myself ... maybe I was empty and looking to be filled with something that can no longer "do it" for me ... maybe I was crying out to God to save me, to see how bad it was getting ... who knows? I'm used to FEELING something about things that clue me in and LET me know, and this time I felt ... absolutely nothing. I still feel nothing but I don't like to think about it, because then I just feel sick.

If you are at the point you are doing illegal drugs and sleeping w/ 9 men at a time,

They were not all men ... it was an orgy pile, all at once, men and women, coming & going, not one after another in sequence. Mostly men, I think there were maybe 1 or 2 other women. It started with just the one guy I lured off, but ... well ... when I called out Satan's name all hell broke loose. Others jumped in, it just went nuts, people heard me crying out and came upstairs ... this is what happens when I forget to consciously give my sexuality over to the Lord, because I served Satan this way for so many years it is imbedded in my flesh. I have a rare form of sexual deviance that is no longer recorded in psychiatric diagnostic manuals but it USED to be called "satanism" (not kidding). It refers to the inability to achieve sexual pleasure unless the act is tied to something blasphemous or 'demonic'. I read about it many years ago -- was in this scientific books bookstore and thumbing through a manual of abnormal psychology I happened to come across it. I was totally amazed that they used this as a psychiatric definition since at the time, being a Satan worshipper, and being sexually intimate with the devil, I thought was just my personal relationship with him and my own brand of "satanism" the religion (since it's not like Anton LaVey's "church of satan" which is basically atheistic in nature). But I have not been able to find anything about this 'disorder' since then so I guess they stopped using it as a specific label for a specific kind of sexual deviance. (*shrug*)

it is probably time to check yourself into the hospital. Do you have health insurance so you can do that? Do you have someone who can drive you?

No, I do not have health insurance. I would be terrified to go in hospital. I don't trust the MH system. Once you get a record it follows you EVERYWHERE. Once the powers working to form the Beast system know you have this kind of documented weakness they can prey upon you in ways they would only be "guessing" at otherwise. I don't trust governments that lay seige to citizens and burn them alive for having different belief systems than the mainstreamers. I don't want to give the Beast any more power to hurt and oppress me than it is already going to have when the whole thing goes down and God's people are persecuted openly in the guise of "building a better Christian America".

Please don't be scared, and please take care of yourself. I don't know if you've ever been hospitalized before, but it's really not scary or bad.

I was hospitalized before, when I was 15. It was scary AND bad. No thanks. I don't trust them. They just want money, they don't care about me, and none of them are intelligent enough or connected with God enough to help a case like mine. I don't want to feel better. I want to be whole, cleansed, and serve the True and Living God. Once you sign yourself over to them you never again get to have autonomy in your life. Your self-assessments are deemed totally invalid and worthless, and you have to bow to what they say or it is considered part of your "sickness" to think and evaluate things independently. What do they want to do? Sell your CONSUMER SERVICES to DRUG companies. Big business lining the pockets of other big business. Psychiatry is a multi-billion dollar industry. So are pharmaceuticals. Why should I outsource guinea-pigging my mind for their entertainment? It's cheaper to go to a party and drink/smoke if self-medication is what I'm after!

Anyway it's just not an option for me at this point. I work from home (very necessary condition for me to work at all given my issues) and barely make enough to cover my bills. I have no insurance and I don't have gobs of people surrounding me making my mental health their #1 priority either.

Please go get help and stay safe, OK?

I'll be praying for you. (((hugs)))

I do appreciate you caring, please don't think I don't. Please don't think my being "argumentative" has anything to do with you personally -- it is about me and the concerns I have and stuff. plus trying to understand your mindset which is different from my own. Why would you think sinning would be a reason to check myself into a hospital? for example, and other stuff I don't understand. (Like if I was stealing someone else's credit cards for a shopping binge or going suicidal maybe yes that would be a reason, but just my own sins of the flesh sinning?) I would like to talk with you more about if you are willing.

One thing I can't seem to figure out is this -- right now I'm "fine" because I feel like I am reconnecting with God. And I feel like it is a choice, do I want to regard myself as sick or as whole -- and act accordingly? -- and I feel like if I let myself regard myself as sick I will start acting sick again but if I let myself believe connection with Christ makes me whole I will be whole in Him and act like a whole person in His righteousness. The thing is, I've been here before with these same thoughts/feelings so how do I know for sure? If the bottom falls out again, was it because what I am thinking/feeling NOW is a delusion -- I really am sick, connected with God or not? Or will it be because what I'm thinking/feeling now is TRUTH -- I'm well when I'm connected with Christ and only when that connection is compromised or diminished does the sickness come in and take over? Say nothing of the whole question whether I am truly sick (bipolar) or whether this is demonically induced because I served Satan for so long? So am I in denial now or seeing the truth now? I can't sort it out.

 

[Shalia]

Why did I say hospital? Because your post made it *sound* like you were pretty manic. Drugs and sex with lots of people generally is. Your second post casts some doubt on that, although my *personal* assessment <warning: not a doctor!> would be that your state of mind might be somewhat delusional.

Go look in the mirror, directly in the mirror, and tell yourself this: I am a child of God. He loves me, He died for me, and He cleansed my sins for me. Because of Him, I will go to Heaven, even though I will never be worthy. Thank you, Lord, for cleansing me of my sins. Lord, please guide me, help me, keep me safe in Your arms. I want to serve You. Lord, teach me to love myself as You love me. Teach me to treat myself as a temple of the Holy Spirit, as You say I am. I love you, Lord. Thank you.

Then I would go around your house and renounce Satan. Tell him to GET OUT. I've nearly shouted this before. Say "I'm am the Lord's child. Jesus WON, you LOST, I claim Christ's victory, now you have NO CLAIM OVER ME. Go away! Thank you Lord, for your protection. Thank you Lord, for your victory over the enemy. I pray your victory over Satan. Satan, I am no longer your child. I am the Lord's child, his Spirit is within me and you have power over me no longer. Leave me alone!" Praise Jesus and tell him you love him repeatedly. It really is freeing. I've felt dark spirits leave because I've prayed this. Jesus WILL help you.

I've felt the same feelings at times. Heck, I still do. The "do I regard myself as 'sick or whole'" and am I mistrusting God if I don't believe I'm already healed, and when is it delusion and when is it not. It's such a hard and scary thing to try and figure out. <And has been responsible for many a time I've tried to stop taking my meds... *sigh*> I don't know what to tell you on it, or even how to answer. Cause I don't have one. Right now, at a relatively sane part of my life, I believe God gave us doctors and medicines so that we can be healthy and safe and sane. Get me a little manic, and all that belief goes out the window. So... I'm not really the one to talk.

Have you ever looked into the possibility that your being disconnected with what you are doing could be depersonalization or a form of dissociation? If you are interested, I have a link to an excellent article at home, and I'll find it for you later.

I can see how a lack of medical insurance and a bad experience as a teen would cloud the issue of hospitalization, though. <For me, it would mainly be the lack of insurance! 7 days cost over $6000 at the hospital for me. Thank God for health insurance!> I'd have to be REALLY bad off to go w/o insurance. But be safe, OK? It's hard when you don't have a good support network.

This board <bipolar section> is a bit dead. Hoping I don't get in trouble for posting it, but a much more active support board for bipolars is http://bipolar.about.com/mpboards.htm There are hundreds of posts a day on that board, and you'll likely get someone who's BTDT with nearly anything you say.

Let me know if you need anything. I'm happy to help, and I hate to see anyone hurting. God bless you, and heal you.

Shalia

 

[Untamed Fire]

Thanks Shalia. It is helpful just to have someone to talk to who understands this stuff and isn't going to freak out at me over it. You know the old saying "better the devil you know than the devil you don't"? That's how I feel about the daunting proposition of navigating the vast confusing labyrinth of the mental health system. I literally get exhausted just thinking about all the confusing mixed messages about everything in the whole world I would have to begin sorting out if I started letting outsiders label and dissect me. OK, I admit, yes, I have a problem. Yes it seems to fit the description of a few mental illnesses (of which bipolar is just one but probably the most prominent one). No I don't always feel I can handle it by myself and YES it is an EXTREMELY tempting fantasy to me to imagine somewhere out there is a team of caring professionals led by the Spirit of God who can genuinely make a difference in my life (hey, I've read I Never Promised You a Rose Garden too ...) ... BUT ... I know if I were to pursue it, the reality would not match that tempting fantasy. I know no human being living today on the face of the earth can be trusted to render a more accurate assessment of me than myself and in fact many can be actively distrusted as they will doubtless attempt to take advantage of me to inject their socio-political agenda. I know they will confuse me only further, for they might themselves hold to a view of reality that is prone to labeling as delusion anything that falls outside their own experience or what they are TAUGHT to think of as real, and I know enough to know that just because the consensus agrees it's real or not does not make it so -- I'm too smart for my own good in that respect -- after all do we not see these things as the secular world rejects the notion of God, or the material view of science dismisses the potential of the metaphysical/spiritual realm as having viable existence? Drugs and sex are highly politicized issues -- we make them into taboos and associate them with various portions of scripture which SEEM to verify that "taboo-ification" because we are culturally programmed to do so. It is part of our societal structure and finding freedom in either of those areas -- the sharing of sexual pleasure and the alteration of consciousness -- tends to lead individuals to think outside the system!!! So OF COURSE if I go and talk to someone and say "this and that I did and this happened, and I was not happy with it, it made me feel empty inside" of course they are going to validate that flat out in and of itself because it serves the purposes of THEIR agenda to do so. They are not going to care about exploring the deeper issues like what happened to me in 1998-99, where did my identity go, why am I fragmented now, and even if they don't accept as LITERAL truth what I would have to say about all that, EVEN IF they would regard my testimony as borne from delusion, HOW THEN could they "TRANSLATE" that into their own "reality-speak" and discern the hidden meanings of it that I so desperately need to know myself and help me to find them, if they are so busy focusing on trying to convince me to forget it all because it's just "mere delusion"//??????

You said yourself you stop thinking their way when you get "a little manic" -- how do you know that it really is "getting a little manic" (i.e. something "wrong") and NOT just that you've been programmed to associate any time you think independently for yourself as seeing yourself as SICK so you will self-regulate according to THEIR agenda??? So you will knuckle under to the system and go take your meds like a good little mental patient, because after all we cannot have you thinking outside the system!!!! And now they want you to work on ME -- now you will come and offer me friendliness so that I will be lured into their prison and come to regard myself as sick and dangerous when I am being SUBVERSIVE AGAINST THE OPPRESSOR, AGAINST THE BEAST because all the BEAST wants to do is SHUT THE PEOPLE OF GOD UP when we prophesy against them and tell them they are WRONG to make war, they are WRONG to oppress the poor and needy, they are WRONG to pander to the selfish and rich, they are HYPOCRITES to LIE and drive truth UNDERGROUND all presumably in the name of building a nice "Christian America" they do NOT speak for God!!!!!!

Now where are the mental health professionals who are real, who will serve the True and Living God in His purposes for me? Point me to them!!! I'll know them because they won't need my money to do what is right for God where I am concerned. I don't really have any other choice -- I don't have $6000 to spend a week at a hospital!!! Why did you let them rob you like this? Were you so afraid of yourself? Why should we be afraid of ourselves???

(Please don't take my venting personally. I'm not trying to attack you!!! I'm taking advantage of the fact that we're basically "strangers" to one another to sound off and get feedback, but it won't work if you let yourself be hurt personally by anything I say, so please don't -- and warn me if that's the case because I do NOT want to do that to a Sister and if that's the case I will back off and shutup!!)

 

[Shalia]

<Vent away. That's what these forums are for. And I think God puts us here for a reason. You seem to need someone to talk to, I'm here to listen. >

First, yes. I was that afraid for myself. I was inpatient three times in the course of seven weeks. It was seven weeks of hell. I never ever want to do that again. Once for being manic/delusional/psychotic, and twice for suicidal ideation. Yes, I was that scared of myself. And scared FOR myself. I had days I woke up and kissed my son goodbye going to daycare and didn't plan on seeing him again that night. Counting the benzos available in my house to see if there was enough there to kill me rather than just put me in the hospital. Yep, I was terrified for me, and so was my husband.

That's why, when I feel myself getting a "little bit manic" <which is true, if I don't take my meds, I'm naturally hypomanic probably 60-70% of the time. It's me.> I take what I'm told to take and when. Those weeks were HELL. I don't ever want to be that person again.

Maybe when you are in a manic or paranoid or delusional state, you can focus on God, you can recognize His importance, you can work with Him to get better, but I needed those anti-psychotics to get down to the point where I could recognize that I wasn't actually being talked to by Him and that I wasn't seeing things. *shrug* I wasn't learning, I wasn't growing, I was... I don't know. You know mania. You've been there. It SCARES ME.

I *like* to sleep. I like being able to sleep. I like being able to keep track of my thoughts, rather than having them run through my head as fast as a gerbil on speed. I like not doing stupid things, like the first time being manic, dumping my husband and running out and having multiple affairs. He begs me to take my pills and sometimes I have to force them down, and I sometimes do it only for him, because I remember how much it hurt him when I did that, and I know that I become a better person when I have control over my mind, rather than my mind having control over me.

Have you looked into finding a Christian counselor in your area? Or even talked to your pastor? Maybe there is someone there who can help you?

I wish I had something to say that made it so you weren't so scared. I've had some major problems with paranoia when I'm manic <and depressed for that matter...>, is it possible that you do to? I'm not out to hurt you, and I certainly don't think that by seeing my psychiatrist I'm working to put the Antichrist in power. And I assure you, I'd do absolutely nothing to lead you in that direction if I thought that at all. But even Christian counselors have to charge money, they have to make money just like you do at your home business to survive.

Science and medicine does have a habit of ignoring and disbelieving the spiritual and supernatural. It's annoying, really. I've heard tell of people being healed of brain tumors, being told they had to have surgery to survive, going to serve a mission in Japan for 2 weeks, returning, and finding out the tumor was gone. And doctors question the scans, and don't believe in the healing. Same with other healings. That's frustrating. But that doesn't mean to write off all medicine and all doctors. Medicine and doctors have done wonderful things. People don't die of flues as often. Flues used to be epidemics. We don't lose our children to polio. We don't die of smallpox. Fewer women are lost in childbirth. Medicine and doctors can be GOOD. There is a place for them. There is a REASON God made humans smart enough and curious enough to create the technology. I do *not* believe all medicine is from the beast, as the Bible says healing comes from God, and doctors can and do heal.

I hope I can help you in any way. It really sounds like you are struggling right now, and if I can help bear your burdens, let me know.

God bless,
Shalia