Misconceptions about abuse

[DavinMochrie]

I found it frustrating that our society equates abuse with sexual and physical contact.

If there is no bodily sexual contact or violent physical contact - it's not seen as abuse.

But all survivors of abuse deal with one main element, the emotional/mental scars.

A person can be raped, and beaten....and their bodies can mostly repair the damage.....but it's living with the emotional impact of that abuse that makes it a long time struggle.

It's society's way of not speaking about bad or negative things. Unless you have physical wounds you aren't hurt.

In a way our society works with the abusers to hide the emotional and mental impact by denying it's importance.

Survivors of abuse are eventually told to 'get over it'. There is supposed to be some deadline for survivors to deal with the abuse.

And when abuse comes in a pure mental/emotional form (no sexual or physical attack) - it so much easier for the abuser to hide and or also to deny that it exists.

Children can live in a mental prison that their abusive parents create. Much like the elephant being chained to the ground and eventually only requiring a small rope. It's learnt to be submissive and not escape or fight back.

That's also why we repress most of the abuse and don't deal with it...because we are taught by the larger world to do that.

The world wants hard working people that read success books and practice positive thinking mantras so they can be good little machine workers. Don't say anything negative, don't talk about the past. Just get over it already.

But the impact of the abuse doesn't go away if it's ignored.

The worst culprits for denying the emotional/mental impact of our past abuse is ourselves.

Just my thoughts on the matter.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Sadly you're right . Although I can also promise that not everybody thinks this way...there are people out there who will side with the survivor. I'm not entirely sure how we can change it, except to stand up when others look away and remind people that there's pain in this world and it's not something to keep silent about.

 

[bubblefish]

I completely agree with you.. unfortunately the majority of society want to live in a little bubble where the world is perfect, and mental health disorders do not exist - where emotions mean nothing and we can easily 'get over' things that happened in the past.

Although, not all people are like that.. I have found some who do understand.

 

[vigilantsoul]

Yes, that is what stops me from talking about it. My abuse was not physical or sexual so should be easy to forget.
My abuse was only verbal, emotional and mental. I'm half way through my life and it still affects me.
Get told, it was my past, leave it there, but it affects everything about me today.

 

[catlover]

Yes, that is what stops me from talking about it. My abuse was not physical or sexual so should be easy to forget.
My abuse was only verbal, emotional and mental. I'm half way through my life and it still affects me.
Get told, it was my past, leave it there, but it affects everything about me today.

Just as bad as physical abuse...

 

[ForAMomentIWillFly]

Being a 'survivor' of all three of the above forms, I can say this: few days does it feel like I have 'survived' a single thing.

 

[VictoryNGrace]

I agree and often times I felt like I "survived" and now I"m back to where I dont feel I did survive the abuse of any forms of it weather physical, emotianl, sexual and verbal.. Its just plain hard to get over and yet for me, I tend to try my hardest to move on in life and yet it keeps seeping back up in my memories and things that are hard to get rid of.. So yeah, agreed alot of what you posted..

VNG

 

[flying_kiwifruit]

I completely agree with you.. unfortunately the majority of society want to live in a little bubble where the world is perfect, and mental health disorders do not exist - where emotions mean nothing and we can easily 'get over' things that happened in the past.

Although, not all people are like that.. I have found some who do understand.

completly agree with this. Unfortunally not too many people want to take off there rose colored glasses and see the real impact that abuse has on someone.

But there are those few who do, those people are very special.

 

[.Sabre.]

John, unfortunately, you're right. It seems quite weird that the people who say "deal with it" don't help us to. "Dealing with it" is so much harder to do than it is to say.

 

[Ryanswife]

My step-father was physically abusive, but he was more mentally abusive than anything and even today, as an adult, I still have issues that stem from the emotional abuse. He would call me ugly and worthless and say that my nose is huge and disgusting etc. and no matter what - when I look in the mirror all I see is an unattractive, fat and very physically flawed woman.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

^^That's the same thing I see in my own mirror, Ryanswife, even though my husband loves me very much.

On abuse-that-isn't-considered-abuse, my biggest complaint is when people use the "I was only teasing" defense. They can say whatever hurtful things they want, but if you get upset or angry, it's your fault. Can't you take a joke? Chill, I'm just messin' with ya.

I think "messing" with somebody is abuse too.

 

[Tenebrae]

I've had the opportunity to see the impact of verbal and mental abuse at work in the last couple of months. Probably combined with physical abuse as well, but its not pretty


Stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me is a load of hooyey in my opinion. Words can hurt alot, and leave invisible scars

 

[Ryanswife]

^^That's the same thing I see in my own mirror, Ryanswife, even though my husband loves me very much.

On abuse-that-isn't-considered-abuse, my biggest complaint is when people use the "I was only teasing" defense. They can say whatever hurtful things they want, but if you get upset or angry, it's your fault. Can't you take a joke? Chill, I'm just messin' with ya.

I think "messing" with somebody is abuse too.

I agree. Just because someone sticks a "Just kidding" in there doesn't give someone the right to insult you.

And sticks and stones etc. IS a bunch of hooey! I would rather someone black my eye than put me down and make me feel bad about myself.

 

[Carolyn H]

Words hurt!

 

[kat69]

Yes, words can and do hurt alot. Plus its something that ALWAYS stays with you.

 

[fivepointTULIP]

I have thought so many times in the last several years that it would be so much easier if my abuser would just hit me already. Because then it would be recognized as abuse. Because then it wouldn't just be me being overly sensitive or what have you.
Because then if I tried to tell someone about the Purgatory I live in, and their first response as always was "well, has he hit you?" Then I could say yes and they might take me seriously and listen to the part that really and truly hurts.
It really is the invisible hurt.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I have thought so many times in the last several years that it would be so much easier if my abuser would just hit me already. Because then it would be recognized as abuse. Because then it wouldn't just be me being overly sensitive or what have you.
Because then if I tried to tell someone about the Purgatory I live in, and their first response as always was "well, has he hit you?" Then I could say yes and they might take me seriously and listen to the part that really and truly hurts.
It really is the invisible hurt.

I support you, I take you seriously, and I'm praying for you.

When are people going to catch on that words can hit as hard as a fist, and do more damage?

 

[fivepointTULIP]

thanks! that means more than I can express (but probably not more than you can understand)

 

[Shona]

I am not a survivor because that statement in itself would declare I was still victim to abuse and I am not.

However, I have been on the end of every form of abuse you can think off.

It is not the physical violent or physical sexual abuse which damages most at all - that is easier to recognise and to recover from too.

I have dealt with abuse for years and those most deadened are always the ones who appear to come from families were they are 'loved' and parents, as an example, appear to have never put a foot wrong.

They are killed by an apparition of love which is actually the opposite in reality and is evil - rather than what we would recognise as being an abuse as a society.

 

[hurtnlonely]

Yes, what you say is true. And it's makes it all the harder to get over mental/emotional abuse because it is downplayed and minimized by the society in general. My theory is that everyone gets hurt, and most people deal with their hurts by ignoring, forgetting or minimizing them. So when they encounter someone who has been abused, they can't understand why they just can't get over it. Also, it reminds them of their hurts, which they don't want to remember. So then they actually "blame the victim" so to speak. It makes them feel stronger and superior.

Anyway, not sure if this makes sense. I'm tired and it makes it harder to put my thoughts into words. But I've experienced what you described so much in my life, and it's caused a lot of pain, feelings of rejection and anger. But ultimately I understand that people just don't want to be reminded of their own pain, so they minimize yours (the survivor of abuse) so they can feel better. So I pretty much have to keep everything to myself.