Misconceptions about abuse

[Ariel]

Almost 20 years ago I lost two babies to miscarriage. Most of my friends disappeared--they just didn't know what to say. More shocking, some Christians came to me and basically told me it was my fault. They told me "get out of sin and get over it." I was hurting so badly, but I looked for my deep, dark sin. What sin could I have committed to deserve losing two babies? I couldn't find a sin that bad--I only hurt even more.

Then I realized something. People are afraid of miscarriage. It was comforting to them to tell me it was my own fault, due to my "sin." That way they could tell themselves that it would never happen to them. They weren't looking to comfort me at all, merely to reassure themselves that such an awful thing would never overtake their dear, darling lives.

I am telling you all this so that I can say this: if most people don't know how to deal with something like a friend's miscarriage, how can we expect them to deal with our hurt when we tell them we have been verbally abused? They don't understand, they want to believe that it can't happen to them, and if it has they want to believe that it cannot affect them for life. "Forgive and forget" and "get over it" are their favorite sayings.

"Forgive and forget" and "get over it" doesn't work when you have to deal with physical, sexual or verbal abuse. It especially doesn't work when you have been damaged on the deepest levels and are unable to love yourself because of it.

You can get well, but not by forgetting. The way to wellness is the opposite--you need to face those monsters, process what happened, get angry, grieve, and finally forgive and give everything to the Lord, asking Him to restore what was brutally taken away.

You can heal. You can get to a point where those memories are weak wimpy little things that no longer affect your self image and self esteem.

I have done this, you can too. It is possible to heal and to come to a place where you can affirm yourself, appreciate yourself, love yourself--and see the beauty, dignity and worth God made when He created you.

This is possible!

 

[JesusFreak2008]

You know,

(((((((((Diana)))))))))) Those people are so mean to have said those things to you. I feel for you-three miscarriages, three stillborn children. I really feel for you there. If there is anything you ever want to talk about, I'll be glad to talk to you about it.


I was reading on some things on abuse today, and I read something I thought was probably a shock to me. The abuser was often the abused during their childhood, which means the process continues. I found that quite interesting.

I'm still managing-It's amazing the support I'm getting from friends and family in the community because of the break up from an abusive relationship. I have found the hardest thing for me is to learn to trust and love again. And after that comes forgiveness. I really hope I am able to learn to trust and love again, but it is certainly hard. I'm a survivor of physical, mental, emotional, and sexual abuse. It is certainly a struggle for me, but I think in time I'll learn to love and to trust again.

 

[blueskye]

Just to pick up on the first post in this thread....no offense to anyone else who has posted here (((hugs))

It is true that when people say "child abuse" they think of sexual abuse and nothing else. Well, for everyone who is ignorant, physical abuse can be as equally bad as sexual abuse. Someone pointed out to me that R is a type of physical abuse anyway.
Also if you can't remember it it can be problematic to accept that it took place, even if you have proof.

I know I am being cryptic but when I feel safer /more confident here I may tell my story. I was CA. neglect and PA.

 

[Maid Marie]

Being new in this section, I can't tell if my post here has an triggers worthy of warning or not. Maybe a moderator could help.

I found it frustrating that our society equates abuse with sexual and physical contact.

What utterly amazed me one time was when I was discussing abuse with a "friend". She wanted people to be accurate in their definitions and usages of words...so when I said that "abuse" alone as a word doesn't automatically mean sexual or physical...she got mad at me. Kid you not. The woman who got upset when people didn't use words accurately insisted that my accurate use of the word 'abuse' was wrong. And not just wrong...VERY WRONG. At that point in my healing I knew enough to know that that was a sign of a bigger issue in her life [she grew up abused but not sexually or physically]. I kept telling her that I will use the word correctly if only to educate the public more and more in the hopes that others who are abused will have some light shed on her situation. That made her madder, I think. Anyway, a year later, I had to end contact with her because her behavior towards me was becoming abusive. But, anyways I will think about her from time to time and wonder if she ever came to understand why it is important to get the word out.

Children can live in a mental prison that their abusive parents create. Much like the elephant being chained to the ground and eventually only requiring a small rope. It's learnt to be submissive and not escape or fight back.

That's also why we repress most of the abuse and don't deal with it...because we are taught by the larger world to do that.

This has been my revelation the past year or two. That even when folks in the church innocently encourage certain behavior [ie. respect your elders] it can in a bad situation turn into this mental prison or elephant staying in place with only small rope.

What changed for me is when I realized one day that when we listen to human leaders tell us how to be Christians/what God is like I will always get conflicting information. I asked God to be my teacher instead even to the point of having any of my beloved beliefs changed. That has been very freeing as I listened to God instead of human leaders in the church. [btw, this isn't a slam against the church or Christians or anyone really. Just a comment on one way that God used to heal me. ]