Messed up

[Doctor Strangelove]

Miss-a, I really don't know what to say. I guess you could take comfort in the idea that perhaps you were just too functional for your dysfunctional family and that's why they rejected you. I have not experienced extreme rejection and abuse (I would call that abuse) like that. It does add insult to injury when people run you over. To you it is a big thing because some people have metaphorically stomped all over you. But then you learn that from their perspective it wasn't much of anything at all, like they were just walking on grass. Very dehumanizing. Often people act that way to assert their power. They sound like sociopaths who see other people as things to use or casually walk on. I have noticed that a bully will mistreat someone and the victim might think about that for years. But to the bully the victim is just one of many targets, soon to be forgotten.

I hope you have a sense of liberation that you are free of those people.

 

[iambren]

Yes,that was beautiful and beautiful was the word I first thought of. Lots of wisdom in what you said. I now have a couple of verses and praise sheets taped to my headboard for the last couple of years. I've slacked off taking it before God as you recommend.

"The next day out. No closure. That will mess with you."

THIS is key with me. I had a companionate,affectionate,spiritual relationship with this woman for five years. I was 100% sold out at the marital altar,convinced. Post marriage it's like she didn't have the ability to love,finally becoming untouchable and not loving me at all.

It DOES mess with me--Was I tricked,5 years? Is there something wrong with me? Did God play a big trick on me for some reason? The elements of what most people look for in marriage is all there NOW except she says she doesn't love me. Talk about NO CLOSURE,you are right on.

I feel so much in your situation and glad you have healed a lot. Man,that is pretty cold. May His grace be upon all of us.

 

[blackribbon]

THIS is key with me. I had a companionate,affectionate,spiritual relationship with this woman for five years. I was 100% sold out at the marital altar,convinced. Post marriage it's like she didn't have the ability to love,finally becoming untouchable and not loving me at all.

It DOES mess with me--Was I tricked,5 years? Is there something wrong with me? Did God play a big trick on me for some reason? The elements of what most people look for in marriage is all there NOW except she says she doesn't love me. Talk about NO CLOSURE,you are right on.

I feel so much in your situation and glad you have healed a lot. Man,that is pretty cold. May His grace be upon all of us.

No woman marries a man intending to ruin the marriage. You need to find compassion for her instead of taking it personally. She was broken before you found her. She married you hoping that it would make her not be broken anymore...but she was more broken than she realized. If I was a gambler, I would take a guess and say that it started after she got pregnant the first time. The stress of being pregnant can activate a variety of mental illnesses that may never go away. This does not mean you caused it...it means that there is a biological component. There are also a huge number of medications that could have even added to the problem...all the time making you feel more and more rejected.

You did not cause her to be this way. That means there is nothing you could have done to have changed it or can do NOW to change it. Like your depression, it isn't something anyone has any control over. Let it go.....make your own closure by giving it to God. Closure is over-rated...there are very few things in life that we actually get closure for. It just isn't going to happen in any way you would find acceptable.

 

[dayhiker]

I pray iambren that you find a way to let this go. I believe God would have you let it go.

 

[iambren]

Thank you Dayhiker,I agree with you. I do not sense a strong calling to "pray it through" and I do pray for healing. I believe there is a 50% chance of their being a sociopathic substrate or a damage of neglect in the crib that her mother so shamefully cries about. Lot has been written about the inhibition of bonding cells in neglected infancy.

That's the science,it still is sad,but you are right to not feed the sadness but with God's help let it go. I was SO convinced.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

OH miss-a! I think it is SO terrible what your family has done to you. You have proven to be a survivor though, thru Jesus of course.

When I was 13 and my parents were divorced I first went to live with my dad. I didn't want to, I wanted to be with my mom. But when I finally said I wanted to go live with my mom, my dad disowned me completely for 15 years. It wasn't until I wrote to him telling him I forgave him for all he did to me that we began to rebuild our relationship which is now very superficial.

Once I made a comment at a baby shower for my SIL that got twisted to something I would never say, and my husband's whole family didn't talk to me for a whole month. My husband stood by ME though, and when I finally confronted my MIL who had spread the falsehood, she of course denied what she had said. My stepdaughter even told me "why would my grandma lie?" and I was like "WHY would I lie?"

So I can grasp some of your pain, but it's the "no explanation" that gets me. And if it were me, I would keep calling "her" until I heard from her voice why this was happening. I would venture to bet that she would deny the severity of the situation or her part in it.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

Michelle,those verses totally confuse me or it's application. Maybe give me your interp? I'm an OT guy anyway--lol.
... ... ...
...
...
and my mind goes to places it shouldn't go. It would be nice if there was an answer,a turnkey,but it's like when God has times of blessing/cursing ...He's taken me into the latter.

Yes.

God is true to His Word. He always is.

You can rely on that.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

I was 'one' with my wife over ten years, and it looks like a lot similar happened to me and you(and a million other men, btw).

Yes, you(and I, and our wives) were tricked - maybe 5 years, maybe longer, maybe less.

Your wife was also - by the enemy and his methods and his pawns(whether in family, neighbors, church,school etc) (it is extremely likely someone she trusted, maybe you trusted too, tricked her. that's because she listens to someone she trusts, even if they are not at all trust-worthy. very common)

no, God didn't play trick on you - the enemy of Christ did/does, and the enemy tricks(deceives) others that are tricked into falsehood too.

God is the ONLY ONE Who remains Faithful and True always, no matter what or where or when.

the things we suffer, God will turn for the benefit of all who love Him, who live according to His Plan. as it is written, God works all things out for good to those who love Him.(love Him with total devotion, with a single eye to do as He says, to always live His Way).

thus, 'bad things' are results of a/the curse. or you might say rather the results of sin.

for instance, when someone has sex outside of 'marriage to one partner of the opposite sex(i.e. God's definition)',
then they die in sin unless they repent and turn truthfully and faithfully to God to live His Way by grace through faith in Jesus Christ. God doesn't look the other way and just let it go. the penalty for sin is death.

.............
THIS is key with me. I had a companionate,affectionate,spiritual relationship with this woman for five years. I was 100% sold out at the marital altar,convinced. Post marriage it's like she didn't have the ability to love,finally becoming untouchable and not loving me at all.

It DOES mess with me--Was I tricked,5 years? Is there something wrong with me? Did God play a big trick on me for some reason? The elements of what most people look for in marriage is all there NOW except she says she doesn't love me. Talk about NO CLOSURE....