Messed Up and dont know where to put this

[foxyfan]

Basically by the end of the day, I'm so emotionally exhusted that right now I just want to break down and cry at night, but I can't because I'm too strong for that. Weak people cry, I'm not weak so I dont cry. The thing is even after I have slept, I dont want to get up and face the day, I just want to lie in bed, and read with little naps as well. The only reason I get up is, if I dont what would my parents think. I get up so I seem normal, and so I dont fail school. But when I get home, I spend my whole time on the computer, only going out to some groups that I still go to, I dont want to go to them, but once again this is so my parents still think I'm normal. I do everything to think I normal, but in the end most of my life is lived on the internet.

I have a school counsellor that I have been seeing just over 2 years, lately he has been saying how pleased he is with me and that I have taken some big steps recentally. I could never tell any of this to him and ruin all that he thinks of me.

Everyone needs to think that everything is normal. I can't be a screwed up teen anymore, I'm to old for that, yet still the thought of killing myself still passes through my mind so often. I dont think i would ever do anything as normal people dont kill themselves. But parts of me so wish I had died in Febuaray 07 when I attempted, but everything is meant to be fine now. I'm not messed up, or at least that what others see. On the inside I'm more messed up than anyone will ever know.

 

[Bryan519]

Bless your heart Foxy! I'm really sorry you are going through this - I know this must be very hard for you.

First of all, let's address the term "normal". The word normal is very subjective and, I believe, should never be used in terms of someone's overall mental health. What that word then becomes is a term of measurement by which we and others use to belittle someone who we feel doesn't match up to that standard. I choose to use the word healthy. That doesn't imply anything regarding the person's intelligence, social standing, etc. You may have clinical depression, I don't know. You will need a doctor's opinion on that. But nevertheless, you can't walk through this alone hun. You shouldn't have to worry about pleasing your counsellor or your parents by acting as if everything is okay, if indeed it is not. They can't assist you if they don't know that you need it.

There is nothing "abnormal" about depression. It's a health issue that needs to be addressed like any other health issue. If you had a broken arm you wouldn't just act like everything is okay and not tell anybody would you? Of course not. This is the same thing. That doesn't make you weak, weird, or crazy. On the contrary, I think it is unwise not to seek help when you truly need it.

Trust your parents and your counsellor. Tell them how you are really feeling and see what comes of it. I bet you will find yourself surrounded by a loving and caring community that would be more than happy to give you the support you need.

Take care hun and keep us posted as to how it goes.

 

[hurtnlonely]

I too was so concerned about putting on a front and trying to act "normal" when I was your age. Now, I wish that I hadn't. There is nothing wrong with you. You are normal! I know things seem like they will never change. But as long as you are alive, there is hope! Change is the one constant in life, besides God. Never give up. Let down your guard, yes; quit trying to pretend everything is OK, yes; but never, ever give up. You don't know what is down the road, maybe just around the corner, maybe several years from now. Also, you are not alone. There are hundreds of thousands of people, if not millions, who have felt/thought the same things as you. Have you tried to talk to God about these things? Pour your heart out to Him, and then ask Him to help and guide you through this darkness. You can be real with God, even when you can't be real with anyone else. He knows all about you and He still loves you!

 

[spacemanspiff02]

I signed up here because I thought I could get some perspective on what to do about my situation, but I find that there seem to be a lot of people going through the same thing as I am.

I too try to put on the "everything is alright" facade and probably spend way too much time on the computer. I almost think you have the advantage that you tried to kill yourself unsuccessfully, so if you go to someone and tell them you still think about it, they will listen and actually try to help you. If you hadn't tried and put up the normal facade and everything is alright then actually succeeded then it would hurt them more. You also have the advantage that you are a girl and girls do cry, girls are supposed to be emotional. So if you can get past it, tell somebody, breakdown, do whatever, just so you can let it out, otherwise it just keeps building and getting worse.
If you have troubles really letting it out, maybe write a letter to whoever you want to talk about it with and let them read it then you'll have everything out and can hopefully move on while you are still young.