Mentally abused

[Zita123]

I should say Menally abused still!! I try so hard to hang on to my marraige.. Every therapist and physic dr. tells me to leave my husband but, I tell them to please just listen and help me cope with him. I endure verbal abuse and mental abuse to the point were my daughters ( 16, 18, 20 ) tell me to just leave daddy.. That tears me apart!! I can't .. My therapist told me " If your not going to do anything about this then come here with a smile" Does that sound right to you? Please pray things get better.

 

[Loopi]

I dont know your reasons for staying with him, maybe because this has become a normality for you, in the respect of you feel almost bound to this.
Mental abuse is something that takes a huge toll on you i know, its dictates such a huge part of you.
To your therapist and children it may seem black and white, that your husband does this, and the answer is to walk away, but i believe that you are in the situation i have seen in my family, where love is what keeps you there, love is the reason you want to learn to live with what he does.
But you have to understand that what he does cannot be lived with. It undermines who god made you to be. He made you free, and he doesnt want you to live under the control of what your husband is doing. It is so destructive and wrong, to your children, but more so to you. I know that i cannot make you see another way, all i can do is speak my heart, and say that ive seen mental abuse drive a wedge into my own home.
I wonder as well if your afraid to walk away from this marriage because your a christian? God does not want to see you hurt the way you are. Have you spoken to a christian therapist or Pastor? maybe they can give you a christian view on this, as well as offering you some support?
I know its hard, and i pray that you make the right choices, be it staying by him, or finding it in you to leave.
Am sorry if this is all wrong, or makes little sense.
If you wanna chat tho, pm me
God bless, i will be praying for you.xxx

 

[Ssarl]

I can understand to some extent what you're going through. I was mentally abused by my parents for 17 years, and at the end Mum freaked out and tried to do everything she could to stop me leaving. But God provided a way out; I moved 800 kilometres away and now I only see them twice a year (though we do phone). If I hadn't left that house, I know without doubt that I'd have killed myself by now; I had to get away to break the cycle of abuse and allow myself to heal. I could never develop a meaningful relationship with God, or any other person, while I stayed there, and I found no help for my struggles.

I never wanted to stop loving my parents either, but what I didn't realise what I didn't have to take their abuse to love them! I've actually done far more to love them by leaving - they seem to have calmed down a lot without the immediate friction there, and I have finally been able to bring myself to pray for them, which I know God is going to honour.

I know you love Him, and so does God, but you have to realise that your worth is of importance here too. What happens to you matters. You deserve to be free and happy. He may be your husband, but it's his duty to love you, not to treat you like dirt. He has betrayed you, and he has to face the consequences of that - and that might mean you have to spend some time away.

It is not unfaithful or unloving for you to want to get away from this. It's quite obvious you don't have selfish reasons at heart... wanting the abuse to end is not the same thing as wanting to leave him. Allowing things to continue the way they are cannot help your marriage, only destroy it. I know it's very difficult to see it this way, but I know from experience that it's true. My abuse left me with some very serious mentall illness, which my family just isn't equipped to handle - this was the final straw that drove us apart, I thought irreversibly. God's Grace is changing that, praise Him...

You don't have to stop loving your husband; just protect yourself. Allow yourself some distance and security - you *do* deserve this, and he's wronged you by keeping it from you. I left, telling my parents that I would not allow them to speak to me again until things changed. Slowly, this is happening - I am still far from looking forward to seeing them again, but I am losing my fear of them and I do honestly pray for them now, I am able to be concerned for their freedom now that I don't have to spend all my energy keeping myself safe.

I know that he might well hit you with more abuse if you try to leave. If you do make the decision, please make sure you have support - it sounds as though your daughters can be a good help to you here. Many abusers try blackmail, threatening to hurt themselves or somebody else if you leave, convicing you you're worthless or have no choice but to stay. The only thing you can do is realise you're not responsible for his brokenness, and refuse to let it rule you... it's not your burden to carry.

Please talk to God about this. I know this sounds horrible, but this may come down to doing God's will in place of your husband's. Your husband's not in a state to understand what's best for you or himself right now; my family certainly weren't.

Praying that you'll come to know God's peace in this situation and make the right decision. You can get through this!

In Christ's love,
Your brother,
Andrew