Men lack sensitivity

[hisbloodformysins]

I can't talk to him, it's useless, I've given up- no longer do I rant and rave all night because he's just not getting it or doesn't care (ok, I know ranting and raving is wrong, and doesn't get you anywhere, no need to waste your time telling me that). I just get tired of not having someone I can talk to. My best friend blows me off unless it's something of interest to her- and my hubby, well, again, he's just a j e r k !

 

[Warrior Poet]

Men lack sensitivity........ because they forget the small things.

Warrior Poet

 

[Svt4Him]

Can you please tell me what in the world you guys are talking about?? Broad brush painting??? I don't see any paint anywhere, and what does "we don't care mean??" I'm a little confused.

Not all men are equal, and no, not all men lack sensitivity. Some may, but so do some women. Not only that, but some women are too sensitive, as are some men. To paint all men in one category is what the broad brush painting implies, and when I say I don't care, it means I too am insensitive. The wink ( ) implies I was being light hearted about it.

For you I suggest two books.


1. The New Dare to Discipline by Dr. Dobson. Great book.

2. The Five Love Languages by someone else. Also a great book.



And I'd also recommend seeking some help. If God was all a spouse needed, God would have been enough for Adam. We are designed to need another. Don't get me wrong, there are times when you need to run to God. I believe God could meet all your needs. But being in a bad relationship will affect every area of your life.



And divorce is always an option, although the ramifications of it are huge.

 

[nicodemus]

Can you please tell me what in the world you guys are talking about?? Broad brush painting??? I don't see any paint anywhere, and what does "we don't care mean??" I'm a little confused.

"Painting with a broad brush" is an expression meaning that someone is covering everything or in the case everbody with one comment. Saying "men lack sensitivity" is an extreme generalization, thus it is painting with a broad brush.

Then the other guy to make the original point valid said, "yeah, but we don't care" proving that we men are truly insensitive.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Not all men are equal, and no, not all men lack sensitivity. Some may, but so do some women. Not only that, but some women are too sensitive, as are some men. To paint all men in one category is what the broad brush painting implies, and when I say I don't care, it means I too am insensitive. The wink ( ) implies I was being light hearted about it.

For you I suggest two books.


1. The New Dare to Discipline by Dr. Dobson. Great book.

2. The Five Love Languages by someone else. Also a great book.



And I'd also recommend seeking some help. If God was all a spouse needed, God would have been enough for Adam. We are designed to need another. Don't get me wrong, there are times when you need to run to God. I believe God could meet all your needs. But being in a bad relationship will affect every area of your life.



And divorce is always an option, although the ramifications of it are huge.

Oh and, we have read many books, including the five love langauages, and the problem isn't the lack of knowledge, it's the lack of my hubbies willingness to work at things, unfortunately he's a rather passive personality, and I'm very ambitious. He knows very well that my need is verbal edification, verbal communication, but he won't talk to me, he won't listen to me. The only time he's makes these efforts is when there is a threat of divorce. I have told him that I'm very frustrated and I feel like there is no communication, and his response is "oh, poor you....". He doesn't understand, sometimes he thinks I'm just trying to manipulate, he doesn't take me at my word when I say "this is important to me... and when it gets really bad telling him I have thoughts about divorce-" It really does take me actually making the steps towards a divorce to light a fire under his b u t t. A couple of months ago- I even ordered and paid for the paperwork to do your own contested divorce, then guess what, he made an appointment for counseling. It had been good for a while, but now, a few months later, he's back to his same old j e r k self. Oh, but why am I telling you this, you are also an insensitive ...... Oh, never mind, you were just kidding with the sarcasm and everything. I better end this now.

 

[E-beth]

hisblood....

I am so sorry you have a stresful relationship right now. Sometimes people can be just like your husband--they are completely aloof until they are faced with a bad consequence, then they spring into action...for a time. Teenagers are notorious for that.

Could be that he isn't threatened by your talk of divorce anymore. Maybe he knows or thinks you really won't ever leave him. Then when he feels you are solid in staying, he reverts right back to the old non-communication.

My stepdad was like that for a long long time and finally my mom had had enough. So she packed her bags and moved in with her sister. She never filed for divorce or filed for a legal separation. But she did make him date her and talk to her and counsel with her before she ever came back. It took about nine months for him to realize what he was letting slip through his fingers and he changed for her. They will celebrate their 18th wedding anniversary next week. But one time I asked her what she would have done if he had just let her stay gone and she said, "Then I would have known that he didn't think our marriage was worth fighting for, and then I would have had to let God tell me whatto do. But I probably would have just remained separated."

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Wow, that sounds like a good idea, but unless I am really convicted to go about it a different way, if I get to the point of being serious about divorce again, then it'll be over for us, for good, unless God works a miracle... because my thinking becomes rather hopeless and I won't want to try anymore if it gets to that point, especially since he's proven over and over again that it won't last. But who knows, right now I'm not at that point and I'm being changed daily by God.... so I may or may not ever get to that point again. Right now I'm learning just to trust God and be submissive to him, regardless of my hubbies lack of care about our relationship. Actually, part of what made him step up this last time and do something is that fact that he's still in college, I'm supporting us financially right now, and my son.... he's worried about how the divorce would affect our son, and well, it puts a lot more situational stress on it because we'd have to figure out how to have joint custody of my son, and how he could afford an appartment and so forth while going to school full time. Oh, I was so excited when he said he'd move out and were making the plans to do so, and I was rather dissapointed when (after stressing over the reality of the situation) he said he wants to try counseling instead and tried to say it was because he loved me... yah right. One of these days he'll be out of college, within the next 3-4 years with a very good paying job, a masters degree and so forth, so it won't be about the situational stress of it anymore. So if things don't continue to get better by then, then there'll be very little hope for us because there won't be anything holding my hubby back, and it won't be about love anymore. But we'll see. You see, I've mentioned in another post that I realize that the problem goes deeper... I have to learn how to be in relationships with ppl and how to endure even faced with problems and lack of love and so forth, because I don't want to be like my grandmother and marry 6 times, she's sticking with the last guy she married, but they still have a lot of things to work through, and sometimes they are so mean to eachother, I want to be stable on the inside of myself, I married my hubby because he's a stable person, but the problem isn't with him- well, he does contribute, but in every marriage relationship you have to learn how to stick with it and be happy even through the bad, because there is no perfect marriage... well, if you have one than count yourself very blessed.

 

[selune]

I hope you go back to your first post in marriage and familiarity. You said "It (the relationship) transitions from a romantic lust relationship to one of familiarity and faithfulness. And I personally don't have those romantic feelings towards my hubby as often as I'd like, for those who have read some of my other posts will know about the problems we have. But my love for my hubby is a biblical love, it's a love that says- "I'm going to love you, regardless of how I feel, because I owe you that". It's the kind of love that 1 cor. chapter 13 talks about. It goes from being selfish to sacrificing for another, because that's what's right."

This thread has taken a huge leap from what you've said before. Now you're hoping for a split?!?

I'm praying for your husband and you. I hope you can work out your problems. How can you know that this time his asking for counseling isn't genuine? You seem to only want to rant and not give him a chance. Many times (in this post and others) you say that the problems are because he doesn't listen to you, but then you say things that sound like you also don't listen to him. I'm not attacknig you, please don't take it that way. I'm truly concerned for your family. You've stated things that you've said to your husband that if my husband said to me, I would be very reticent to respond to him anymore. I hope you two try counseling and really give your heart to God to try and quit being so negative to your spouse.

Blessings and peace to you and your husband.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

Just wanted to quickly say that men lack sensitivity as compared to women. But as compared to men, women are oversensitive. It is all relative to which side you are coming from. God gave men and women different traits and we're supposed to work together and compliment eachother.

This is generally true. What is worse is when one or the other is even worse extreme, which can be the case. My wife is not hypersensitive. I would NOT get along with any female OR male for that matter theat is sensitive alone forget hyper-sensitive, for very long. Gladly, I think I have found my match. Neither of us is a bull in a china shop but we just don't seemed to get bogged down with sensitivities like "I don't like your tone of voice or writing".. or whatever. Part of it may be that's just how we are made or that we tend to give one another the benefit of the doubt and instead of correcting one another, sort of reflect and self correct if needed. I am a lucky person to have a wife that is so easy to get along with. It's not perfect of course but it's not bad. I hope it doesn't sound like bragging, but I am hoping some of my words will help anyone who can use them in this regard.

"Right now I'm learning just to trust God and be submissive to him, regardless of my hubbies lack of care about our relationship."

I know some of you interptret the bible differently than I here but I do not want my wife to ever use the word submissive when it comes to me. In fact, I would hate that term. I imagine and hope you are using that term in the most POSITIVE Godly light. If you are using it because inside you feel like your husband is forceful, critical and/or kind of beats you down mentally, he needs a wake up call.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

We need to go back to counseling, because even though we are doing good right now, we have a pattern of spiraling down hill. Like I've said, I'm growing daily, God is helping me, though I am not at all perfect yet, we'll do good for a time, but then we spiral down hill, and it always starts (usually during that time of the month for me) I get grouchy, and for some reason or other he is less sensitive, and then he becomes hardened when I try to talk about things, and then the unresolved issue goes on for weeks because I get more mad and frustrated, and he remains calloused and gets more stubborn and it doesn't get resolved, and it's a little thing that is usually what starts it. But it's not just times during anger, it's that we are so different. We didn't start out our relationship right, it definetely isn't grounded on good communication. And he is the quiet type, he'd rather resolve his own problems and not communicate them if necessary, and I'm the opposite, I NEED not want,but NEED to be open and talk, not for the sake of solving problems, but to be understood, to relate to eachother "oh yah, that's how I feel sometimes to". To have a conversation, to share insights. But I'll share an insight with him, and he's so uninterested or will say a couple of words that shows that he doesn't even understand me, and I get so dissapointed and look for someone else who I can actually share a conversation with. Conversation is bonding in my book, and I don't feel close at all to my hubby because we don't talk, if we do it's like we speak two different languages and he doesn't share my enthusiam nor is he interested..... he's a doer. He shows me his love by doing for me, such as building something for me that I'd like, or taking me to work, or making me something to eat if I'm hungry but sick, and although I appreciate these things and now understand that it's his way of showing me love, I still don't feel loved. He doesn't verbally affirm me, and when I beg for him to tell me why he liked me, why he wanted to marry me, or when he's trying, it's so obvious that he has nothing to say, he really has to work at saying something, and what he does say sounds so superficial, I don't feel like he appreciates what are my strengths, and although most the time he's a nice person, when he does affirm something to me, it's the negative things, it's a complaint, but yet we won't tell me the positives. Part of it is that it's not natural for him and he really has to work at it. But it's necessary for me to feel valued by him. And I have gotten onto a rant, Selune, lately in this thread because we have been experiancing turmiol and because i'm frustrated because I cannot talk to him, I come here to vent some of my frustrations...... what good that does, I don't know if it does any good, it's a substitute for the problem, and it doesn't help when (not you Selune) But that servant guy and the Nicodemus character respond with insensitive sarcastic "light hearted" remarks, because through doing so, like my hubby, they are revealing no care about what I'm going through. Do they realize this, probably not- just goes to show that they are fulfilling the sterotype. And although they don't know me from Adam- and may not know anything about it- it would do good for everyone to keep in mind that this is a ministry forum and it would help to be a little more sensitive because sometimes ppl post things when they really are hurting and are really sensitive, and really need some sensitivity to others. So you two guys, keep that in mind.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

Well said. I think it is important for us guys and gals to know where you are coming from. While it may appear you are making a statement of fact, it is nice to know you are venting so we can better understand. To you it is a statement of fact based on your current experience. I understand what you are saying hisbloodformysins. You are going through a very tough time. God Bless you and I am praying for you!

 

[selune]

Just a question then on the different languages. Does your husband have similar feelings in regards to how you need to talk and he needs to do? Is he feeling frustrated and not validated with you talking and not doing? (That sounds odd but I hope you get what I mean, he communicates emotions/love/feelings through actions, you through words). Maybe with your counselor mediating, start a session of say 5 minutes where he needs to talk with you and respond, then you need to do things with him and respond. After trying this for short times, move to some longer times. Do you show interest in things he does? Maybe that is part of the problem too.

My prayers will be with you.

 

[merryheart]

I think it is kind of useless to say that "men lack sensitivity" The truth is... some men *do* lack sensitivity, but not all, and some women lack sensitivity as well. IMO 9/10ths of the problems between men and women arise from the illogical belief that we are two different species, when in fact, we are much more alike than we are different. A person who repeatedly takes the "I am right and you are arguing" position is arrogant, and the one who *never* gets their point across needs to learn how to be assertive in the relationship. Step #1 in doing this without aggression or arrogance is to have a strong sense of personal integrity. Integrity means wholeness. Integrity means having a strong belief, and doing your absolute best to uphold that belief.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

First of all I do want to apologize for possibly offending any guys by making such a generalized statement, I suppose I'd be a little offended if a man posted something like "women are all nags" (the main reason being I think that is an insensitive sterotype LOL). But, and I don't mean this in a bad way, but with all my experiances I have discovered that men are less sensitive creatures, doesn't matter if they tear up at movies or what. Atleast they are insensitive and don't know it- because well, they aren't built to know it like women are. I believe strongly that men are made to think with logic as opposed to emotion because God made them to be the leaders.... and women are very specially designed to think through emotion first because they are nurturers and help mates...... I believe God's design is awsome truly! But this can lead to problems. It's like you should see me and my hubby try to communicate about something, for example- I'm upset because of something someone said to me at work so I explain the situation to my hubby, and he asks me questions about it, gives me answers, and if I don't accept them or continue talking about it he'll shrug his shoulders, scratch his head and say "well, I don't know what to tell you". And what I am reading from this is that 1: My hubby is busy trying to give me answers because he doesn't want to talk about this. He just wants to get the conversation over with and move on. 2. He doesn't care about how I feel..... But, and guys this has really not been easy, and the only reason I've finally gotten to the point to accepting that my hubby wasn't just an insensitive j... who really didn't love me and only wanted to marry me for sex and who knows what other reason, is because I really have to learn to interpret these his reactions in the eyes of love. And yes, I have explained to him exactly what I'm reading and how it makes me feel, and he still just does not get it....instead of saying "oh, I understand how you feel, I can see why you see it that way, but I assure that that isn't my motive, but this is why I'm doing that........" he tells me I'm wrong, my thinking is irrational and wrong, and he can not sympathise with me if he doesn't agree with me because that would be lying. So what has worked best to lessen fights and preserve both our sanities is to just not bother talking to him about things, because I get way too frustrated and upset. But there are times, like right before I posted this, that I can't help being upset about it, and there are times like that that I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to that can relate with whom I can share all my feelings about things and not feel judged by them because of it.... because my own best friend will blow me off and change the subject back to her because well, that's what is always what is on her mind is her it seems. I'm sorry, but sometimes I cannot help feeling this emotional about it (especially when it's that time of the month)... so I come here, to a board where I don't know anyone from adam, and use this as a substitute, I know, that's sad. But for anyone that is interested in knowing, I feel better now and God is really working a change in me these last couple of days about attitude changes and how to deal with those that offend you. God Bless

 

[faith177]

Can I suggest something that works in our relationship is to agree to let some things go. Sometimes with men and women you are just never going to agree, its fruitless to hold onto your anger and frustration over weeks. We choose to wake up new every day even if we had a big fight the night before, and didnt really work it out. Neither one of us is perfect, but women seem to hold grudges longer and need some sort of closure to make him see our way but that isnt always fair. so say your peace and move on even if he doesnt agree with you at the time, he will think about it.

I can't tell you how shocked I was when I have said something particularily nasty and then hours later in bed he will pull me close to him anyway. It makes me more careful in the way I treat him, to control my tongue. Some days are harder than others my husband is stubborn and selfconsumed sometimes but I try and keep MY actions in check because I am responsible for them, when God calls us and asks why we acted the way we did its not going to cut it to say well he did this and he did that, God judges us on how we dealt with it.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Faith, that is good advice. I'm learning that also, because God showed me that just being silent in anger and looking for another outlet can be damaging to our relationship also. Atleast my theme is not to sin, regardless of what the other person does to you or how they offend you. I cannot control him, only myself. But it has also been important for me to look for other things to do to calm down enough to get over my anger. Because if I dwell on the situation trying to come to closure, it doesn't help. And if nothing else, go to God with your cares "for he careth for you". God is Good, Amen??? And while running to him and letting him be my guide, I have been able to see my own wrongs and been more loving to my hubby. This has helped. But don't be suprised if you see me here a month later venting again LOL, because I'm not perfect yet.

 

[Svt4Him]

We choose to wake up new every day even if we had a big fight the night before, and didnt really work it out. Neither one of us is perfect, but women seem to hold grudges longer and need some sort of closure to make him see our way but that isnt always fair. so say your peace and move on even if he doesnt agree with you at the time, he will think about it.

I disagree. This gets into personality traits. It would drive me nuts to live like this, and it did. My wife had to realize that if she was to keep sweeping little things under the carpet, one day one little thing would cause a huge mess.

 

[faith177]

Marriage takes work, it takes a lifetime to perfect,

hisbloodformsmysins I'm there with you sister, marriage and parenting are the two hardest things I have ever undertaken in my life. Some days its a struggle to not run away and work on a cruise ship in the carribean but I believe that it is helping me grow into a better woman if i let it, if I dont always have to be right and can see the lessons as lessons and not huge emotional why me's.

My favorite verse is James 1:2-4 my brethren count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this that the trying of your faith worketh patience, But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

God is working in us, sometimes he puts people in our life to stretch us, to help us grow. Sometimes i feel stretched beyond what I can handle, but I have to trust that God will not give me more than I can endure, It is through HIS strength that I can stay love my family through the hard times.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

A big amen Faith!!!!!

That's been my scripture reference during my whole marriage. OOOh, it hurts to stretch. But when God says it's time, then what can you do about it if you're devoted to obeying him and his word. You can either go against your conscience, or continue to stick it through with god, and grow. Thanks again Faith. God Blee You!