Men lack sensitivity

[hisbloodformysins]

Just as Desi started a thread on women disparaging their husbands, I'm going to start one on sensitivity. I think that this is part of the reason some of your wives might seem irrational to you from time to time. Just the other day, I got really upset over a conversation my hubby and I had, and he still doesn't understand. We both ended up angry and upset. And the whole reason I got mad at him was because he was too busy arguing his point to listen to me and understand where I'm coming from. He thinks that I expect him to agree with me on everything, when in all actuality that is not really the case. I say "your not listening to me...," and he responds by saying "your not listening to me, then he continues to argue his point. He is so focused on that point when the whole time I don't even care about whether he's right or whether I'm right. It's about being understood, or in other words, about him coming across in a sympathetic caring kind of way. And when he doesn't come across that way, I feel so alone. I don't have a lot of people I can go to, I feel misunderstood by the world. And I try to explain this to him, but just like a lot of other men in my life lately, he just doesn't get it, he continues to be unsympathetic and insensitive. I want my husband to be my best friend, I want to feel like he really knows me. And when we go into a conversation, and he continues to have this brick wall up, telling me he knows what I am saying, that he really does understand, yet shows through his actions and insensitivity that he doesn't, it is very frustrating. I find it best just to not attempt to talk to him or try to explain it to him at all, because he never really hears what i'm saying.

 

[gary2468]

Happy belated birthday!

I know you are in pain. There are many people (both men and women) who come from backgrounds where winning the gunfight is far more important than winning the war. These people are hard to convince otherwise because it is so ingrained that if they lose this fight the war is lost. That is why this is such a paradox. By "not winning" the gunfight ( I didn't say lose ) he has a better chance of a treaty with you and both sides will come out unharmed in the long term.

It is very difficult for people like that to relinquish control. They must be reassured during times when you are not fighting that the goal during a fight is understanding and resolution and not "winning".

WHen I am with a person whose only goal is to 'make me understand them', I naturally just tune them out. It is hard not to.

 

[Didymus]

first of all your husband is not your "best friend" he is your husband . they are two different people. Iii have been married 26 years and we have been through major problems. when i think that M is not listening to me i ask him to repeat what i just said. I also insist on eye contact when i talk to him. i enjoy men more then women but there are some things they just don t understand because they are men. and there are things we will never understand about them because we are not men.
finally pick you fights or you will be arguing all the time. this sounds like there is a power struggle going on in your marriage

 

[chriso]

I believe you and your spouse should be best friends. Why can't this work? My wife and I have been married over 20 years. And we consider each other our "best friends" after all we started out as friends. We try to make our interests together. And spend as much of our off time together. We do things each other likes. A man needs to be sensitive to his wife and the wife needs to be sensitive to her husband. You must keep the line of communication open. And neither party should be little the other.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

Anger and bad discussion technique lead to " your not listening to me..., and he responds by saying your not listening to me, then he continues to argue his point." He needs to learn to avoid this at all costs. Actually both partners do. Otherwise it is an endless loop argument that ensues.

"It is very difficult for people like that to relinquish control. They must be reassured during times when you are not fighting that the goal during a fight is understanding and resolution and not "winning". - Ditto that.

 

[GirlieGirl]

Just wanted to quickly say that men lack sensitivity as compared to women. But as compared to men, women are oversensitive. It is all relative to which side you are coming from. God gave men and women different traits and we're supposed to work together and compliment eachother.

WIth that aside, Hisblood, I can understand how frustrating that would feel. I dont' have any cure. If this was my situation, I would tell him that I was retreating because of what was going on as a result of how the argument was being handled. I would tell him what you have described to us without bringing in the topic of the argument. Maybe that way he could see the bigger picture of what's causing you pain.

 

[Oblivious]

I believe you and your spouse should be best friends. Why can't this work? My wife and I have been married over 20 years. And we consider each other our "best friends" after all we started out as friends. We try to make our interests together. And spend as much of our off time together. We do things each other likes. A man needs to be sensitive to his wife and the wife needs to be sensitive to her husband. You must keep the line of communication open. And neither party should be little the other.

Very well said! My husband is my best friend. I couldn't imagine things being otherwise.

 

[nicodemus]

There is a lot of broad-brush painting going on in here.

 

[Oblivious]

oops They really should move the "Edit" and "Quote" buttons further away from each other

 

[Svt4Him]

There is a lot of broad-brush painting going on in here.

Agreed. But we don't care do we?

 

[nicodemus]

Agreed. But we don't care do we?

Oh yeah.

 

[Mrs. Enigma]

My husband and I are best friends.

I do not know your exact problem, but I will give a generic example that I hope will help. If you feel like you are sad or lonely, say,"I feel sad will you hold me?' etc. BE very specific in what you want. If you ramble on for more than a sentance, you have probably lost him.

In aruments you could ask to present your view point, in as short and to the point way as possible. He does not need to agree with you, but tell him it (the pressing issue) really distresses you, if it does. After you said your peice, then let him make the final descision and go on with life. God listens really well. Talk to him if your husband does not agree with you.

My husband won't argue very much at all with me on any big issues. He will let me say my part if I do it submissively, but if I start bickering he will tell me I am done discussing it or to be quiet. He does not tolerate it. This may sound harsh or cruel, but I have a super marriage, and although my flesh hates being told what it can or can not do, it sure is sexy having a manly man who does not let a woman push him around. He protects and rules like a loving soldier or king. There are rules I must follow, but the benefits of anything you give up are well worth it.

I do agree that if you just need someone to talk to for a few hours, men are not that. If it is communion you need, maybe try getting it thru physical touch, playing a game, or some other activity done together.

 

[Jenna]

I don't know that men are insensitive, but maybe just sensitive to different things in different ways. We are very different creatures for sure. *laughs* My husband has come right out and said that I am too complex for him to understand.

As far as the argument thing goes, I kind of wonder if it isn't due to the natural competive nature of many males. I've heard many guys say that they feel competitive with other men during things like games. I wonder if it carries into other areas also where they feel they need to assert their "dominance" to one extent or the other. Plus, you also have the "Mr. Fix it" guys who believe that if there is a problem, THEY have to fix it and know the best (sometimes ONLY) way to do it. lol Men, y'all are funny. You know that? *laughs* It must be that "Y" in there....

 

[King Element]

Well, that's one stereotype that I'll agree with completely. All goes to show that the endocrine system is an extremely powerful thing. For a man to attempt, much less be successful at trying to understand women is a remarkable testament to how most men really do value women. The same could and should be said for most women too.

As to arguing about who's listening and who's not, I believe this is less a matter of gender as it is a matter of what level of consciousness you or he are in. This is information from the bicameral states of being by an author I can't recall off the top of my head. I urge you to read up on "the bicameral mind" by looking through your favorite search engine. By far, it has been the second most important reading material for me.

If he wants to argue about who is right, then he's stuck in the stage where being right is more important than getting a good and successful outcome. That's a lonely place to be when it is in a relationship.

 

[LadyBird]

I don't know that men are insensitive, but maybe just sensitive to different things in different ways. We are very different creatures for sure. *laughs* My husband has come right out and said that I am too complex for him to understand.

Just wanted to quickly say that men lack sensitivity as compared to women. But as compared to men, women are oversensitive. It is all relative to which side you are coming from. God gave men and women different traits and we're supposed to work together and compliment eachother.

I agree. It depends on which side you look at things from. Men are definately sensitive to different things that women are and vice versa. Nobody is right or wrong, we are just different. My boyfriend has said a number of times that he will probably never understand how I think, just as I wont understand how he thinks. Why? Because we are wired differently...that's all. I can totally relate to you how you feel hisbloodformysins. I feel the same way sometimes with my boyfriend. I just wish that people (notice how I didn't say men or women...it's both) could not argue their points into the ground, buy could be more understanding of how others feel.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

You all have good sensitive responses. Through the tough 5 years of our marriage, I have learned the hard way that just because my hubby isn't communicating it in the way that makes me automatically feel valued, doesn't mean he doesn't love me. He communicates it his way, and I have had to learn to understand that, well I have with God's help and grace. And well, I have had to turn to God to get my needs met rather than my hubby, at first when I did this, it was a way of "giving up trying"... couldn't get divorced because that's wrong, but I resigned myself from the hope that my hubby would ever listen to or understand me. So instead of beating a dead horse and ending up irate and ashamed from all my screaming and throwing things, and even occassional physical violence with eachother... I know, pretty bad... but I was so angry and FRUSTRATED... I would explain it to him, spell it out for him, tell him exactly how what he did affected me in just an educational way, yet he continued to do what he was doing, even though I made it very clear to him that that made me feel unvalued..... and just the fact that he did it anyways would so upset me and send me into more despair, because I was trying so hard to connect, to no avail. And he apparently didn't care, or so I thought at the time. So I got to the point of giving up. If I attempted to talk to him about something, and I could see that he really didn't value what I had to say, I'd just leave the room and get on the computer and journal or chat, and of course this was a time of immense growing in my spiritual relationship because God did indeed show himself faithful as my loving hubby, while my hubby was not. And then my heart began to change towards my hubby, started getting more gentle conviction about how my behavior and attitudes affected him. And of course when I stopped applying the pressure, my hubby could tell that in a way I have given up, and this peaked his sensitivity somewhat. And of course the threats of divorced when I'm to angry to think rational and emotionally weak and he's being a jerk also and careless about our relationship- when he realizes that the threat is real, he starts trying again... Anyways, thanks to God, and the fact that there is some hope for us being how we both have some moral character, we have come a long ways are a lot closer. The Irrate fights are fewer and further inbetween....?? Though we occassionally relapse, and we have the daily nit picking, grouchiness and irritation... but we are on a good road because we are continually making progress. It's a learning experiance. Now we have another issue that could be a trigger for fights is disciplinary methods for our child. We both have acknowleded the need to sit down and come to an agreement, because above all else we need to be in agreement. I can't just sit idolly while my hubby spanks my son for every little thing, and he can't stand it that my son is learning to manipulate and go to mommy. We just need to research and come to an agreement. And we need God to be the leader in this area. Please pray for us, that my hubby will be open, you see, he has this thing about him that he thinks he knows best, and it doesn't matter what I say, his mind is set- guess that's the phlegmatic personality for you, but you see, I have this thing where I am strong willed and will not just sit there and do it his way when he doesn't even respect my thoughts and feelings on the issue. I also got some of that phlegmatic personality in me.. He's stubborn and I'm strong willed and ambitous. Thanks everyone for your support.

 

[faith177]

His blood,

I know how you feel, my husband is very stubborn and I am a little over sensitive sometimes, we both are a little controlling and think we are always right, it is causing some problems in our fairly new marriage, ( almost two years) It is in parenting that we have alot of conflict.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Agreed. But we don't care do we?

Can you please tell me what in the world you guys are talking about?? Broad brush painting??? I don't see any paint anywhere, and what does "we don't care mean??" I'm a little confused.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

His blood,

I know how you feel, my husband is very stubborn and I am a little over sensitive sometimes, we both are a little controlling and think we are always right, it is causing some problems in our fairly new marriage, ( almost two years) It is in parenting that we have alot of conflict.

Well, parenting is indeed another conflict that is really becoming a problem, if you go to the parenting forum, you'll know what I mean.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I'm mad right now, at more than one person, GRRRRRRR- and I'll just say that my hubby is an absolute j e r k ! Well, probably not, but that's how I feel right now.